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foreverksylight

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Posts: 1
 #1 
I haven't really told anyone except for family yet. I don't want to tell others because it doesn't seem real.

So I've had this bird for 12 years. She's been living inside the last three months because she... well, we thought, she mushed up her muscles in her wing somehow from a fall. We know now that this probably isn't what happened.

We took her to regular vet appointments, got her an xray etc, all up spent probably $1200 just on vet visits and medicines and everything last few months. 

We went away for a week and had a family member look after her. When we got back her wing was worse. She was tripping over it, it was hanging low - the vet suggested amputation three weeks ago and I was like ehhhh she's sort of fine for now but since getting back we realised no, we have to do this. The closest vet that does amputation only opened on the 27th after Xmas. We got back the night of the 24th, and the 25th we were busy so we only really had 26th to spend with her.

We took her in to the vet and they were like yeahhh this is an emergency. They determined that instead of just muscle problems... she broke a bone aaaannnd likely had a tumor. They set the amputation for yesterday.

She made it through surgery but died during recovery. That was only yesterday. A little over 24 hours ago. I still have to pay for the amputation which means in total $2500 on a bird that has never had a problem before now. They checked the wing and said it appeared to be cancerous based on how she was too. So the bird was suffering with cancer for months at least and the vet we went to couldn't even pick it up in their xray. The tumor would have been the mushed muscles they mentioned :/ 

I miss her though. She's not just a bird to me she's a best friend. She's been there for so long for me, had so many amazing little quirks and a world without her now feels so dull and gloomy. I have my cockatiel here but he's a bit of a brat and likes to attack us if we don't do things his way - it just makes me miss her more. 12 years though... like, I'm 25. I expected to have her until at least like, 35-40 even. And knowing that from now on I have to live the rest of my life without her is so painful. I didn't always go out and see her but she was always there, always made things better and... like, she was invincible to me. All the other original birds from back in her day died and she was the one that I thought was gonna be forever. I thought I was gonna live happily ever after with her sorta thing (bf and I live with his parents and we wanted to get our own place and give her a big dedicated room eventually etc). Now she's not there and she's never going to be there again.

I also lost a dog of 12 years earlier this year, and a cockatiel of 7 years as well. Like... the same year. I lose all three pets representative of my old home, my old life, my pre-adult life. The cockatiel I have now is not even a year old so he's a different story to them.

But after losing the other two... and having only dreamed of the dog a few times, knowing that my bird only exists now in my dreams and memories hurts. Knowing that it's the only way I'll see her again. That... it's all over. She was here just a few days ago, excited to see me come back. Now she can't call out and "wave" to me anymore. I can't cuddle into her or nod my head with her...

Like it's not fair, I know of a lot of truly despicable people - they live and she goes. To me now the world of a week ago was so bright and happy and like a dream and now is just like... this is life? I always said that when she eventually dies this would be a tough one for me to handle and it is so tough and it hasn't even been that long yet. I didn't nod my head goodbye to her, I didn't sing her favourite song... so much I didn't get to do with her before she left. I know that we have had great times before but still.

Like this year I've really been questioning what I believe in re: afterlife and all that and it just makes it so harder because I really don't know, and anyone that knows me would know I hate not knowing things lol I just... hate the thought of going through life without her there, and I hate not knowing where she is, if she even exists, and the thing that sucks is there's so many comforting theories but they all seem so confusing to my mind to try and logically figure it out and I know there's no logic in death etc but yeah. Sorry massive run there but it really is on my mind. Now it's... just worse.

I know or at least I think I'll move on eventually but... at this point I don't want to and just go back in time for a few more days. If I knew she was going to die I would have spent all boxing day with her instead of leave her in her cage so she didn't trip over her wing. I miss her. And I think she would miss me, well, all of us really. 

There's just so much sadness associated with this (ESPECIALLY since the week I was away I visited my childhood home in another state where this bird in particular also lived with me). I was already sad she couldn't come for the visit. :( I just want her back, like, 12 years was nowhere near enough and I really hate the thought of just... idk dealing with life without her there. I can try and trick my brain into thinking she's back home or back outside in the aviary but that can only do so much. I hope I got recordings of all the sounds and things she did. 

Trying to bury myself in distractions but I just don't want to... do anything. Just forcing myself to really. Like I want to do stuff I just can't bring myself to it.

And I don't want to tell anyone either. I don't want condolences, I want her back and condolences can't do anything for me. The other pets I was ok to tell people but yeahhhhh not this situation. 


We are keeping her cage though but it was put away. Would make me too sad to look at otherwise. She was special. I'm gonna miss being able to cuddle into her, pat her, for her to do her boing boing sound... like I have that thing where you can't remember faces unless you see them, so luckily I have a lot of photos, and I HOPE the sounds don't fade for me either and only appear on recognition. If that's the case... yeah. That'll be pretty heartbreaking for me. I can currently remember them but not sure for how much longer.

Sorry this post is probably confusing and full on but it's tough and I really really really miss her. 

I can't go through photos/videos of her yet though. That's gonna make me way too emotional. Like it's just so hard to comprehend that she's only existing in the past and not the present anymore. I could talk for hours about this sadness honestly. :/ I loved her. 
Ashi

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #2 
I'm so sorry for your ordeal. I lost a bird the other day and though he was only im heart broken . I swear some people don't get what amazing pets birds are. My condolences for all your losses this year :(
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