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ChicosMommy

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Posts: 24
 #1 
Chico, my 15 yr old shepherd mix, had problems in the last 6-8 months. He had a small hard tumor which grew immensely, and made it uncomfortable to sleep, lie down, etc. He was not holding his water well, which could have been signs of kidney disease. ANd hip dysplacia, which I controled the comfort factor with aspirin and glucosomine. It all caught up to him.

I knew a month ago, something had to happen. I was hoping for him to go peacefully in his sleep. I put off for 2 wks what I knew had to be. Now  I am ridden with guilt. I should have had surgery for the tumor. But he was almost 15 then, and I didnt want to put him thru the slicing and dicing, not knowing if he would even make it thru the anesthesia. I am not a rich person,a nd for a couple thousand dollars, maye have him die, or only extend his life for a short period? As I said, he was 15, and had a good life, active and happy, until the last year.

He was my family after my blood family abandoned me almost 3 yrs ago, after losing my mother. When I moved back to the family home, he was with me for every phase of the move. And loved it here. We were in the country. He could walk larger areas. At least he was in a place he was more comfortable. So I was able to bury him inthe back, camping area. My neighbor made him a 4 ft cross. My friends from Canada sent flowers. It has been a sad day. I mourn him more than the loss of my family (other than my mother) I dont think I will have another dog. I cannot go thru this pain again. I made his grave as nice as possible, planting dahlias, and the flowers from the friends.

But I am here, alone. I look for him, to see if he is resting confortably every time I walk through the door. The house is very empty and very sad tonite. I feel I will never get over it. I was always a cat person, and ended up with him by default. I got him for my Mom for Mothers Day 1993, she said OK, and then changed her mind. I had a dog. Who wanted nothing more than to be near me. I am hurting so much tonite, the emotions are raw.

The thing that disturbed me, is that the first shot, the sedative, took hold, but when the vet was shaving his leg to find the vein to administer the IV for the last part of it, he snarled nd showed his teeth ather. She should have been moreout of it, that it didnt bother him. I was afraid he would be too with it for the last part of the euthenasia. ANd his eyes were open. But I have read here, that is pretty normal.

It hurts like hell, and I hate to even walk int he door, as I know even if he was in discomfort, he would be happy to see me. This is hell. I cant go through ot again. If I even get through this.
Mary

Registered:
Posts: 1,400
 #2 
Dear Chicos Mom:
My heart aches for you.  I am so sorry for your loss of Chico.  It is so unbelievable hard to lose our best friends.  You shared a very special bond with him and that is wonderful.

You have many friends here and please write and share your feelings when you feel the need.  We understand the pain and emptiness.  I lost my sweetheart Meister 6 weeks ago and every day is sad and lonely for me.  It was almost 10 years after we lost our Brutus that we brought Meister into our lives.  I felt the same as you do that the pain was unbearable and I could not go through it again.  Well all I can say is yes the pain is horrible and my heart will ache for Meister forever but what we had was 17 years of happiness and love of our sweet Meister.

You made a beautiful memorial for your Chico.  He will always be close to your hear and is watching over you now at the Bridge.

Many hugs and prayers for you.

Mary
Meister Mom Forever

nickysmom

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Posts: 156
 #3 
Dear ChicosMommy,

I empathize with you completely. My old girl is 14 1/2 and having a time with declining function in her rear legs and a tumor on her lower eyelid I refuse to have removed as long as it doesn't affect her declining vision. At 14.5 years who wants to put their dog through major surgery for something that's not life threatening? I think you made a good call and for a Shepherd to live to 15, you certainly did something right!
Don't close your heart quite yet to the idea of another dog. It's taken me 2.5 years following my big guy's death in 2005 to bring another dog into the house. An English friend not long ago told me, "Don't be sorry it's over; just be glad it happened."
Treasure your memories, mourn as long as you need, and trust that fate will point you in the right direction. Perhaps a cat; perhaps another dog.

Nickysmom 
Becky57

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Posts: 657
 #4 

I am so very sorry, Chicos Mom.  It sounds like he had a wonderful home.  I am so sorry.  I am alone, too, and it is just devastating without my dog.

ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #5 
TOday is not much better. I think I am losing my mind. I am keeping his water pail in its usual place in the bathroom. His rug is still on the floor of my bedroom, and the blanket from the living room I folded and put away, even tho it has a stain on it.
I cant even put away or get rid of his dog food and dish. Its as if Im leaving them for him to come back. I keep saying it, like others here. I want him back. I cant be without him. THe same when my Mom died almost 3 yrs ago, much of her stuff is still in drawers. I just cant do it. Her death and this loss are the worst times of my life.

I made a nice burial area for him in the back (luckily I am in the country and have my own land, so he can be here with me, in a way) planted flowers. I promised to visit him every day and bring him something, even if it is only a flower, a stuffed toy, or a note from me. I hate my job even more now, I feel it kept me from him many nites I wanted to be here with him. I guess the anger had to be directed somewhere. ANd he hated it when I left him. ANd feel guilty about the times I became impatient and raised my voice, because I needed to hurry to go to work or sleep days to  be able to work at nite. I wish I could do so many things over.

I have to return to work Monday. I dont want to. I only want to be here, in the house he lived. :(
ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #6 
I also had made plans to go to a festival in 2 weeks. I planned it in April before things got real bad. ANd felt guilt at the fact I let Chico go, so I could be free to go. I suppose not, because when I made the appt with the vet, I knew I wouldnt be going.

My friends say, GO! Its what you need. It will do you good. I dont think so. I am sure even in 2 weeks, I will not want to socialize. I dont want to go anywhere I dont need to. I would rather be here, in his house, and go to his gravesite and talk to him. Is that crazy? I imagine some people in my everyday world would think so. And I am sure the people here will fully understand.
RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #7 
Wow atleast your friends and neighbors are being supportive. I guess mine are too but flowers? NEVER HAPPEN! My neighbor building a cross? I don't think so. People just don't get it. Anyway, I'm sorry about your baby. Just keep coming here and we can all take care of each other.

Rusty Nail and Saxon.                                              Saxon with his Big Bird.

randy

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #8 
I understand..  When I lost Peppy, I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even answer the phone. 

I've not been a religious person, but I find that changing due to my buddy Schultzy who is very sick right now. Religion, not in the traditional sense, but in my own interpretation.

How much did Chico love you?  Beyond description is how much.  What would Chico want for you?  The same you wanted for Chico, happiness, comfort, and the love of remembrance.  Every time you think of him he's somewhere thinking of you.

Randy

ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #9 

I am very blessed to have found this place. Thanks to everyone, and I can see how supportive everyone is of each other and thier loss.

sweetpepe

Registered:
Posts: 143
 #10 
(((((((((((ChicosMommy)))))))))))))))))

Sending many hugs to you.

I hear what you are saying about possibly surgery.  Our Pepe had been in pain for nearly two months.  I had xrays done and all they detected was bad arthritis in his spine.  The vet said he may have kidney stones but that would require an MRI which would be another 300.00 with no guarantee of finding an answer.  And, like you, I didn't know if he was strong enough to survive a surgery.  He was nearly 13 and the last month of his life he'd yelp in pain when you barely touched him and at the end his leg had tremours suggesting a neurological problem, not just the arthritis.

It hurts so bad to make that final decision and I think so many of us go through some guilt and "what ifs".  But really we do what we can and we do it out of so much love for our dear friends.

I wish you peace.  I'm glad we can come here and share.
ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #11 
I have thought a lot. Many have said they will look forward to being with thier pet in Heaven someday. That thought has comforted me. Thus the reason for Rainbow Bridge.

I am one to look for something to made me worry or even crazier. I have not always been the best person. We all have done things we regret. What if, when I go, I am not sent above? I will never be with my beloved babies. Chico and the kitties. It is a silly thing to even bring up, as there are no guarantees of anything. Great, something else to keep me awake at night.

Am I just overly nuts, or has anyone else ever had this thought?
RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #12 
Everyone has done things they weren't proud of. I think anyone who loves an animal as much as you do will go to heaven. ;) I guarantee you will see your baby again. I saw something on Larry King the other day with psychics. I wish I could get one and see if they see my baby. I'm still not sure if those people are for real or not.
ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #13 
I hope. Thank you. I was thinking of a coworker who went on a cruise this year. Her old puppy was sick, with hip dysplacia, and just old age. Could hardly get around,barely eating. A dalmation mix. She went ahead with the cruise, boarding the dog. And left a friend with the decision to PTS if necessary.

The poor baby was snarling at everyone, and was just not a happy pup. Jill made the decision. How could anyone go away, no matter if it was planned or booked, when thier baby was in that bad shape? I should not judge others, but I felt badly having to go to work and leave my baby home. I just had to vent about it, it has been on my mind for months, moreso now.
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