Registered: 1552344392 Posts: 3
I have never experienced positive feelings as long as I’ve been alive from anything other than my dog. I was a miserable baby who my parents used to think had something neurological making me incapable of smiling. I was a miserable toddler who every preschool and daycare I went to was ‘concerned’ about because not once did I ever play with toys or laugh at the movies we watched or interact with other kids. And passed between more than 10 special ed placements as a child and teenager for severe and persistent, treatment resistant mental and physical health problems. Everyone who knew me at any point growing up will corroborate that I never liked anything, or had fun, or had friends who made me happy/who I cared about (I had a few kids throughout my life who came over and wanted to be my friend, but they just made me anxious/angry/sadder; I don’t have any capability of bonding, trust, empathy, attachment, etc. except for this dog) or felt decent feelings from anything at any age—until we got my dog.
I was 8, I’m 21 now. He just got put down yesterday morning and I just got let out of the ER with stress induced cardiomyopathy from letting him go overnight. Everyone loves my boy. People don’t know or care who my family is, but they LOVE him. His vet broke down crying when he went in Friday, right in the waiting room when he first saw him in front of everybody else. Every time he’s gone into the vet looking rough, the receptionists all cry no matter who’s on at the time and ask to hold him, the nurses sit out and wait with us—my whole family has never seen them do this with other pets and owners in our life so it was almost kind of embarrassing. When we first open the door everyone behind the desk gets up and comes over to say hi; but they don’t do that with any of the next pets to walk in. His groomer has offered, unprompted, to babysit him if my family ever goes away. It’s not even a place that assigns groomers—you get who you get each time—but in 13 years he’s ONLY ever been groomed by her; she ensures that. My father who hated dogs and told me repeatedly I’d never have ine in his house cried for the first time since before I was born on the night we brought the new puppy home, just because he loved him so much. and became a person who touts his classic-dad ‘my child has four paws’ bumper magnet and cries over every dog video he sees. My grandfather who still HATES dogs cries on the phone to my dad whenever my boy is sick. He’s just a dog who is immediately, unusually strongly loved by everyone who encounters him. And remembered, forever. People I went to different school placements with who didn’t even like me have hunted me down on facebook just to ask if JJ is still alive. I was actually fine knowing he’s about to die for a long time now and even this week. I mean not happy or functional or not-miserable—just nothing more than my normal. I didn’t cry once over the anticipation of losing him. He went into the hospital Friday and my mom kept saying he’d probably come home soon on saline shots and up his painkillers but it would only be a couple more months...I already knew he wouldn’t be coming home though. I’ve always been oddly connected with him like that. I finally went to visit him Saturday afternoon and they said he was really poorly off and won’t be getting any better, but he was manageable until his doctor comes back Monday but I said we should just let him go—he wasn’t going to be leaving here and I knew it. But my parents wanted to wait til Monday so they went home but I stayed overnight 100% positive he’d be gone within 24hrs. The vet called me in at 9ish in the morning and said he’s declining a lot, they called his doctor who recommended we let him go because they couldn’t let him be released like that but they couldn’t do anything to improve his condition either. So I should call my parents to come back because it’s time. I told him to put us in a room much further down the hall when they get here because my dad screaming at me will scare everyone outside waiting. In the vets office while it was happening I screamed, puked, and passed out; in the hospital all I did was hold the blanket he died on and his collar and sob for all 13 hours I was there without stopping so I didn’t actually talk to anyone or know what we’re supposed to do about this TC syndrome (less than 40% of cases are men and less than 3% are people under 50, but I’m 21), and now I’m in my parents house *still* holding them and sobbing 31 and a half hours later, only pausing when the pain in my head makes my vision reduce to pinholes, to have PNES seizures, or pass out, or vomit. Twice now my tears have just stopped and my eyes have so gotten so irritated rubbing them makes my eyelids bleed, so I’ve just taken to sobbing vocally. and when the tears are there again they come. I’m soaked in sweat right now and my lips are seared with stomach acid, I spent all the time I’ve worked on writing this today still sobbing and hitting my head with my phone. I’m mostly dictating now because I can’t really see or move my arns. I’m exhausted but trying to stop crying and screaming just makes it happen harder. I need to get out of this house ASAP, it’s making me sicker looking at every item and wall in every room I’ve been in knowing he’s not here. This house has never been my home but it was survivable with JJ. I have **never felt anything close to neutral or positive emotions that didn’t come from being with my boy. Not from thinking about my dog—that makes me really sad if I’m not with him, even when he was young and alive. Just being with him. Through 50+ medications, every form of therapy with 11 different psych teams (countless individual specialists), neurofeedback, biofeedback, EMDR, TMS, 19 longterm hospitalizations since I was 6 (only counting psych—it’s closer to 80 or 85 if you include physical stuff), and all the stupid ‘alternative’ options like ~mindfulness~ or organic food or whatever that either didn’t do anything or just made me sick. Nothing that has ever happened to me that ‘ventually gets easier with time’ has gotten anything but harder with all the years that pass. and nothing has changed the fact that my only moments of decreased urgency to die through it all were with my boy. And now he’s gone. I was supposed to die before him. Spending a little more time with him has been my only reason not to, though I’ve permanently disabled myself attempting anyway quite a few times. I’ve always gotten myself to put it off a few more days, or to call 911 if I’d already attempted, so I could spend a bit more time with my dog. But he’s gone. I don’t see any reason not to be gone too now.
Registered: 1552344392 Posts: 3
Middle-aged but still a puppy: Visit at the hospital Friday night: In the waiting room all night, kept company by his favorite toy to lay his head on His old license, moved to my neck knife chain forever, though it won’t be long until I’m with him again. 11/24/06-3/10/19 11:15AM
Registered: 1535970667 Posts: 21
My thoughts are: You loved and had his love for all those years, honor his love by taking in a pup, a rescue or stray or perhaps someone will gift you a wee one who needs love, care and comfort. Just my thoughts. Best Wishes Carl
Registered: 1552344392 Posts: 3
Please no. I’m never having another animal and I dont even have anywhere to live right now, or money to feed myself every day or get $1.50 disabled fare bus rides, let alone adopt a pet.
I don’t like animals, I just like him. I never want to interact with another dog again, but Im allergic to dander animals (JJ didn’t shed but he still made my skin blow up and bister and I had to wear my vogmask around him) and terrified of cats, and small animals are dangerous trauma triggers for me. And reptiles/amphibians aren’t safe for my immune problems. I unfollowed all the animals I followed online when I realized I dont give two ****s about them without JJ to see in them. I never really loved other animals, but I didn’t mind scrolling through them. Now it makes me sick. I’m fine with how helpful that is for others but I absolutely never want to see another dog again. I wouldn’t feel right taking in a dog just to make it sit on the street and drift between air b&bs just to lose me in a day or less anyway. Sorry
Registered: 1552801370 Posts: 2
Your boy was special and no one will ever replace that or take it away. It is a bond that you can remember and that's it. But you have to live to remember him. Or who else will? Who else will tell the story but you? you have to live to remember him and honor him, and live the life that he wanted you to have, by supporting you all these years.