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savannahcalifornia

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Hi all, I am in crazy grief right now. I am a student, and last night after one of my finals, we had to rush our cat Hobie to the emergency vet clinic. He had thrown a blood clot. He was diagnosed with HCM two years ago. Just this time yesterday, he was alive and well, purring and eating. He was a super healthy senior for the most part except for this condition. I knew it would get progressively worse, but they hadn't even put him on medication yet. I knew I would lose my best friend eventually, but not this soon.

It feels like someone has taken a sledgehammer to my chest. It feels like I'm just disintegrating. The grief is terrible.

Anyone who has lost a cat to this knows how terrible losing your friend to saddle thrombosis can be. 

I'm at this point where I'm terrified for my parents. They have mild health conditions, but what if it's actually much worse? For my other loved ones. When will they be taken? I'm studying premed, but I just don't trust doctors right now or maybe ever. I feel his vet downplayed how serious this was. I can't believe how fast and suddenly our cat was ripped from us.

I love Hobie so much. He was my best friend since I was seven years old. I had a dream about him soon after he died, I almost felt that I could reach out and touch him...but it was only a dream. I woke up to see my hand extended towards nothing. 

My sadness is wild. Please, someone tell me they know this feeling...I feel like I am dying myself.
Sweetpea7

Registered:
Posts: 34
 #2 
I’m so sorry. I am crying with you!
I’ve had this fight or flight feeling since my kitty passed last week. I’m crushed.simply devastated!She had a stroke .eek!she was over 20.ii knew she couldn’t live much longer. But ...! I’m heartbroken.dealing with guilt.The pain is enormous !

Sending (((hugs))) prayers
Love,
Sweet Peanuts mom
arosettamason48

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #3 
savannahcalifornia,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I promise you that you are not alone. I've posted this so many times but I lost my guinea pig, Greenbean, on Sunday. He was my best friend and I've never ever loved something so much. One minute he was squeaking and bouncing around and eating and purring and climbing all over me and I left my room and 30 minutes later he is gone.

I died on Sunday when he did. I have been sobbing nonstop for 2 and a half days. All I want is him and I can't have him. He was the light of my life and I never kept him in a cage when I was home.. he fell asleep with me and woke up with me. I have never in my life felt this type of pain.

I don't know how anyone else is functioning enough to be able to leave the house or go to work because I cannot control it. I have suffered from depression for so long so I am sure that plays a role but my grief is so unbearable that I am on a leave of absence until I can get myself together.

This house is so quiet. Everything reminds me of him. I keep expecting him to be there but he's not. I keep looking at the spots he was the last day of his life and I absolutely cannot for the live of me comprehend how such a beautiful and amazing creature can be so alive and happy and full of life one minute and the next their entire soul and personality and love and happiness is ripped from them, just to leave a shell of what they once were.

The pain isn't getting any easier for me. It is getting worse. I am being forced to move on without him and to learn how to live again without him. How does a 28 year old woman teach herself how to live with something they revolved every waking moment of their lives around?

My thoughts are with you. I don't have any advice other than to share my own story. I'm never going to be the same person ever again. He was the only light in my life and because of my oversight and reckless negligence, my best friend is gone.

Please continue to come back here and read everyone's stories. For me it doesn't take away the pain, but it does help me to not feel so alone.
arosettamason48

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #4 
Sweetpea7,

It brings warmth to my heart to see you on so many posts offering support when you are going through such a horrific tragedy on your own. Thank you for being there for all of us
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #5 
Bless you, your heart is shattered. I know your pain all to well. I lost my beloved Termy over 15 months ago and I still grieve and shed tears for him. I am sorry that your baby Hobie was taken from you so quickly. Even if we prepare ourselves for losing them it still never an easy thing to deal with. I am also sorry that you felt left down by the person that you entrusted the life of your baby Hobie to. Please be kind to yourself and grieve. It will get better, over time but you will never forget the journey you made and shared with Hobie. For six long moths after letting my Heart dog Termy go I wanted to be with him and life meant nothing. Now I feel better but I still deeply miss him as you will for Hobie. Give it time and come here often. We are here share the same loss and understand.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
kclaura

Registered:
Posts: 44
 #6 
The pain we feel with our losses is so real.

How is it possible to be in so much pain, and yet numb at the same time?

Day by day, day by day.

I weep with all of us
savannahcalifornia

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #7 
Dear all, thank you SO much for these kind words. For the past 24 hours, I have not been functional enough to open my computer. When I made this post, it was just a grieving howl into the void. I wasn't even expecting a response, really.

All of your stories break my heart, for your Greenbean, for your Termy, for your Sweet Peanut. Cats, dogs, guinea pigs, it is almost like alchemy the way these animals turn us into their devoted moms and dads. I can feel the love for your babies just emanating off every word. 

None of these sweet children have really passed away, they are so alive right here, right now, in our pain, in this crazy kindness you have all shown me, a total stranger. There was nothing like today, a day full of funeral planning and counseling: I came home, took a Xanax, waited for sleep (which is really just a brief respite from the pain), then having the weird thought to check my email. I feel like you have all hugged me.

I am a spiritual person, so I hope you all don't mind if I pray for Greenbean, Termy, and Sweet Peanut along with my prayers for Hobie tonight. They are all angels; yes, they were taken from us too soon, but every minute with them was a minute full of unconditional love.

I don't know how your baby Greenbean died, but I do believe he is in a higher place now, watching over you, loving you, and hoping that you treat yourself with the same compassion and love that you obviously had for him. 

Termy's mom, what a mom that you are. Thank you for giving me an idea of the road ahead. I am happy that it gets more manageable, even if it will always hurt. Termy must have been a very beloved dog; that's something for him to brag about in heaven to the other dogs.

Sweet Peanut's mom, it doesn't matter how old your kitty was, it is totally crushing. There is no way you can prepare. I am crying for your Sweet Peanut. going through a stroke. You must have taken amazing care of her for her to live over 20. I like to think our two cats are walking on the rainbow bridge together, maybe telling stories about their moms and what a wild ride their twenty years on earth has been. 

Thank you all so much and thank you to these strange, but wonderful, wonderful, wonderful pets. 

arosettamason48

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #8 
You are so kind to have taken the time to read all of our stories and remember the names and what happened, while you are grieving so much on your own.

When I came here only a few days ago I was not expecting to get any kind of response either. I just needed someone somewhere to maybe just read my story. While the pain has not subsided and it truly is worse than it was when I found him, everyone here has helped me to feel like I am not alone in this at all.

I hate that any of us are here. I wish our pets would never leave our side and that we could all transition together at the exact same moment into wherever it is that we go.

Thank you for praying for all of us. I was raised Catholic, seeing as my mom went to Catholic school her entire life, but religion was never forced on us, though I have always had so much faith and belief in God. I've honestly never thought much about heaven and hell and I can't say I ever truly believed that we all meet again in the afterlife, but the last few days so many people have told me they believe very much in that and when my mom told me she does too, it helped me a little.

I know that Hobie is watching you too. He knows how much you loved him. He was your best friend and you were his. I think the dream you had about him was him telling you that it is okay and that he will see you again someday.

I read something last night that gave me a brief moment of peace. Throughout my life, regarding the passing of loved ones, I have heard quite a few times that our loved ones are always still here because "energy cannot be created nor destroyed." I found something detailing that, which says that even though our pet's bodies are no longer working, it means absolutely nothing in regards to their soul, personality, and life because a soul does not just die, they are simply being prepared to transition to the heavens where they know they will see us and love us again.
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