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angiemama02

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Posts: 4
 #1 
I am so guilt ridden and heartsick, I can barely breathe.  Speedy was a very happy and healthy 13 year old lab mix.  I adopted him 13 years ago this month when he was only a puppy.  I had Speedy before my husband and I started dating, he has been there through three moves and three children.

On Sunday afternoon, my husband let him outside, and was busy doing something, so he walked back in, intending to let Speedy back in in just a few minutes.  That didn't happen.  He got sidetracked, had to leave, and left him outside while I stayed at home with the kids.  I was busy with my nine month old, and cleaning up from our daughter's birthday party the night before.

Several hours later, I suddenly realized that Speedy was nowhere to be found.  I panicked and ran through the house looking for him before I ran outside to see if he had been left out.

There was no sign of him.

My heart sank, I immediately called my husband and the search began.  We called every clinic, animal control, shelter, anything we could think of, and did the same yesterday morning.  While my husband was at work, I printed out 100 small pictures of Speedy and hand wrote his details and contact information on the back.  When my husband came home that evening, he and my son walked around handing the pictures to our neighbors asking if anyone had seen him or knew anything.

Turns out, one neighbor did see something.  She saw him stumbling around, disoriented, and called our subdivision manager to see about him.  Speedy ended up collapsing in a man's driveway that didn't care to "deal" with him, and so by the time the manager came to get him, he had passed.  He then, placed my precious, sweet furbaby into the dumpster.  By the time we found this out, the dumpsters were empty.  I don't even have his collar to hold onto.

I am so sick with guilt.  I don't know if he was hit by a car, or if he died of heat exposure.  He was outside and forgotten, probably felt abondoned by his own family, and died, what I can only imagine was a painful, terrible way to go.

At some point in the afternoon, I heard crying outside, but it sounded like a little dog, and it never crossed my mind that it could have been Speedy.  I think it was though.  I think he was crying for my help, and I ignored it.

I don't know what to do, I feel so sick, so sad, so heartbroken.

 

LukesDad

Registered:
Posts: 564
 #2 
Angiemama, my heart goes out to you!  What a horrible ordeal for you and your family to have to go through! 

This was an accident, pure and simple.  Neither you nor any of your family members would ever have let something like this to happen purposely.  It is a normal part of the grieving process for you to want to blame yourself, but I hope you realize that your precious Speedy does not blame you for the events that led to his passing, and that his love will be with you always!

I know the pain that you are going though.  I lost both of my pups last month, three weeks apart.  Like you, I had these dogs from early puppy-hood, and they were 13 and 12 years old when they passed.  I was fortunate to have been able to be with then when they left their old, sick physical bodies, but even so, I went through tremendous bouts of guilt and self blame for not doing things differently......focusing on the "What if's".

Allow yourself to grieve.  It's only natural when you lose one so close to you.  You will be on an emotional roller coaster for some time to come.  I've found a great deal of support and comfort from the folks on this forum, and I encourage you to use us for your own support.  May God comfort you in your pain.  LukeAndLilsDad  (Rick)
Sewzen

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Posts: 1
 #3 

My heart aches for you and there are no words that come to mind other than to say that I am deeply sorry for your loss.

angiemama02

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #4 
Rick, thank you so much for the kind words, you really told me what I needed to hear.  I am so sorry for your loss as well.

Sewzen, thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

I feel like I am drowning in grief and guilt.  I can't imagine ever forgiving myself for this horrific accident.  I am just sick thinking of how my poor baby suffered, all while I was inside, not even aware of his pain.

My Speedy was known to lick away my tears when I was sad.  I only wish he were here with me now.
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #5 
I am very sorry to hear about Speedy.   It is so sad that one of your neighbors didn't let you know sooner about Speedy.  Your story is so heartbreaking and I know how hard it is being without this very sweet boy.  I love his picture!  He looks so sweet!!  I hope you will cherish all the special times with Speedy and know that he is doing just fine at the bridge.  He is with the greatest group of animals!!

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~

jkgibb1

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #6 
I was so saddened to read about Speedy.  The events you describe and how you reacted to his missing remind me a lot of how I felt when Kitten went missing.  (My cat who died in the car trunk--I shut it not knowing he ws inside.) 

Have you thought about asking your vet about the heat exposure as the cause of death?  I am no vet or dog expert, but if your dog was outside, I think he would know how to seek shade and to keep cool.  Perhaps talking to your vet might give some insight into what might have happened.   

What I don't understand is how someone could dispose of a pet dog in a dumpster!  This is not a very nice person!  Shame on the man whose driveway Speedy passed on and the manager for not doing more to help him or find his owners.  I don't understand people like that. 

I am very sorry for your loss.  I understand the grief, the guilt, the self-blame.  I wish I could say something to make you feel better.  Please know that others understand your feelings.

Irene
angiemama02

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #7 
Mare, thank you, he was a very sweet boy and put up with alot of silliness with the kids.  

Irene, I am so sorry about your poor sweet Kitten.  And, I have been wondering about his death, because our yard is almost completely shaded, so he wouldn't have been in the direct sun.  I just don't know what happened, and I suppose I never will.  I just pray that he didn't suffer for long.  It just breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for your comforting words, friends.  It means the world to me.  
River

Registered:
Posts: 262
 #8 
I am so sorry for your loss. I loved the picture of Speedy that you posted. I agree with Irene, shame on those people who didn't do more to help him. Some people are just so senseless.  
beautifulbaby

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #9 
Angie, I just saw your post today and I am so sorry about Speedy.  He is a beautiful dog.  I can relate so much to that feeling of helplessness.  It is an awful feeling that is eating me up inside.  I wish I could have saved my baby from the coyote, I wish I could have been home 15 minutes earlier.  We have never recovered our babies body either.  It is a horrible feeling that he is out their somewhere and that I cannot protect him even though I know he is not here anymore. I do my best everyday to let the pain go, I cry alot, I come on this website alot but it is still a very lonesome feeling to be in pain even though I have people that love me.  When I read your story I could feel your pain.  I can see that you hurt.  I know words can only be comforting for so long, but you are not alone in this.  Keep coming back and keep letting it out.

Hugs to you and your family,

Cathy 
Anza

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #10 
Very sorry to hear about Speedy.  Few weeks back I lost my Bruno.  I can understand your feelings.  Even I feel guilty for taking Bruno with us on that flight.  Yesterday I took Max to the vet clinic for his first checkup . I felt very sad when I saw  RIP written on my Bruno's records.  Even though Max was near me, the whole night I was thinking about my Bruno. 
Divert your mind to something else.  Don't think too much.  Try to be busy.  We have to overcome this.  We are not aware of what is happening the next moment.  Anything can happen to anybody.  At least there are some good people here to give us mental support.  We are all here for you.

Anza




fostersmommy

Registered:
Posts: 893
 #11 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't even imagine the pain you are going through with this kind of a loss.  People suck and I am sorry that they didn't try to find you.  It will take a lot of time to feel better but eventually it does get better.  And then it hurts like heck again.  And then it gets better again.  Lean on this board because the people here are wonderful.

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,901
 #12 
such a heart breaking gut wrenching story.    you weren't even able to have your baby's body to say goodbye to and taken care of properly.    i know this must be eating you up inside.    i hope you know deep within yourself that speedy is up at the bridge waiting patiently for his family members to join him in their time.    he is happy, whole, strong and healthy.   that is the way he is now and forever and i hope for your own peace of mind that you can picture him this way.   

as with others here i don't understand how someone could have done such a heartless act without trying to find the owners of what was obviusly a well loved family pet.    no heart or compassion in that person.   karma will take care of that one for you.

come here as often as you want and need to and talk, vent, cry, mourn all you have to.    someone is always here to listen and to help and support you.   when you are up to it and if you wish to, please tell us more of what your speedy was like.   he must have been quite a character and very patient as that cute picture tell us.    he does look quite 'cool' in his shades.
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