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butterfly72

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Posts: 22
 #1 

Hello I'm new here.  I have posted some replies to posts, but never really introduced myself.  I lost my 14 year old pom doggy Kato this past Monday, June 3.  I feel like nothing will be right in my world again.  I feel that I can't voice that fully to my friends, because none of them are close to a pet the way Kato and I were.  He was my child.  I cannot have human children, so he WAS my baby.  I'm so sick...I can't get anything done.  I don't want to shower, or eat right.  I don't answer my phone, I don't want to clean the house.  All I do is sit at the computer and cry.  My other doggy, a gentle giant named Toby has been diagnosed with osteosarcoma, and it has spread massively to his chest.  Ironically I assumed he would be the first to go, as I was told he only has a few months.  Then my dear sweet Kato died in his sleep first.  I didn't even want to give up his body, although I know he was no longer there-it was only his shell.  I pulled all his hair from his brush and I hold it to my face and just sob and sob.  My husband caught me doing this, and told me that it was unhealthy.  How can he say that?  I need to remember wht my baby felt like, what he smelled like.  I feel like no one wants to keep hearing my cries, and "Kato this" and "Kato that".  But he was so much more than just a dog to me- he was my life.  He made me a better person, a more responsible and loving person.  There are moments I feel fine, and think everything is going to be ok.  But then I realize thats just because my mind is playing tricks on me.  I deep down think somehow this was all a nightmare-a tragic mistake. That it can't be real.  I get so panicked when I realize I will NEVER hold him again, or look in his eyes and see his soul, and see how much he loves me and I love him-how he knows I am his "Momma."  I feel like I can't breathe, then terrible ugly wailing sounds come from me.  Its like I can't get enough pain out.  Then to top it off I feel guilty, because my rottie is still here, fighting for his life, and I feel so preoccupied with my grief.  I need to be more present to care for him, I love him so much also.  Its just Kato was with me for 14 years and was my first baby.  I even held him like a baby.  He was diabetic, and deaf and blind.  I had to carry him to go potty, and give him injections and pills.  I had to clean him alot near the end, and I didn't mind a bit.   Now I feel empty and lost.  Today I have been very ugly to my husband, and angry and bitter.  I can't bear to be around anyone, I feel like no one can say anything that is right.  I know Kato is in a better place, I know his quality of life got bad, I know, I, know!!  I don't want him to suffer-but that doesn't take away the pain or make me not want my sweet special baby back in my arms.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I don't honestly feel like anything is EVER going to get better.  He had such a special old soul.  Why does everyone think I should be over this loss in 4 days!!  I'm so bitter right now.  Bitter at God.  I already am losing one doggy to cancer, do I have to lose another in within the same time frame?  I just don't understand it, I know I never will.  I'm so sorry I keep saying things over and over.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  Oh-if I only had one more day to hold him.  Why didn't I stay up all night with him??  Why?  He wasn't feeling well that day, and I couldn't stay up with him and hold him?  I'm so hurt and so angry and so lost... 

mccats9876

Registered:
Posts: 460
 #2 
Dear One,

Rest assured that we are here to help you and to listen to anything you want to say.  We have all known the grief and anguish of loss.  And, we understand what you are feeling.

These little guys are our furbabies, and featherbabies.  They share our home, our love, our lives.  They are so responsive to love, they make our days worthwhile. 

The fact that you cared for your dear Kato for fourteen years, through diabetes and the other problems for 14 years, shows what a wonderful, caring person you are.  Your Kato is healthy, happy and now at the Rainbow Bridge, with my dear babies, and probably having a good time.

I am still missing my bridge babies.  You will never forget Kato, just like I will never forget my babies.  Your love is forever. 

Please remember your ailing Toby.  He needs you still.  He is probably grieving, just as you are.

Honey, it is a normal reaction to feel completely lost and disoriented, after a pet passes to the Bridge. Ignore anyone who is not compassionate to what you are going through.  You are welcome to come here anytime and we will give you comfort.  No one knows, like someone who has lost a dear one!

Please know that you gave Kato a long, love-filled life.  Many furbabies never make it to 14, let alone a baby with health issues.  You did good. 

Please don't blame God.  In our hearts, we all know that our dear furbabies will pass before we do.  Our little furbabies are a gift from God, given to us to experience the most wonderful form of love- the sweet love and compassion one feels for a beloved animal or bird.

You are a better person, for having known Kato.  Send him love and thanks, to the Rainbow Bridge.

Please know that Kato would want you to pull yourself together - for him- and show Toby love in his last days.  You know what you need to do.

God bless you, Kato, Toby and your husband.

Love,

Pat
Benniesmom

Registered:
Posts: 95
 #3 
I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel and share your pain.  Please try to take care of yourself. I know the loss is devastating. I wish my precious boy Bennie had died a peaceful death in his sleep, I even prayed for it so that I would be spared having to pts. I hate those words, but in the end that is what I had to do and it is the worst thing imaginable. I am still fighting the guilt and depression over it.

My mom died in her sleep suddenly 4 years ago. I was devastated, but I thanked God for sparing me the pain of watching her die slowly from a stroke, or something else. I hope I die in my sleep when it is my time. I share this with you in hopes that maybe you might find some comfort in knowing that she went peacefully.

Yes, more than anything we want our babies back, but nothing we say or do will bring them back.

I always think back to a song by Bread: I would give everything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home just to have you back again, just to touch you once again!!

May you find peace and solace.

JennyH

Registered:
Posts: 34
 #4 
Butterfly, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Of course, you aren't going to be "over" Kato's death in 4 days.  I've found that sometimes spouses are hurting just as much but they just don't know how to convey this.

I understand the not wanting to talk with folks on the phone and the other things.  I guess it was good that I had to go into the office for a meeting and I had to go in for duty (I'm a realtor) so it got me out some.  I'm just grateful I didn't have clients I had to take out this week, though.  I don't think I could have done it, so I totally understand what you're saying.

Thinking of you and praying for comfort for you, your husband and strength to help Toby.

Look to the forum for support with Toby as well.
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #5 
Butterfly
I am so sorry.  Life just isnt fair.  Why is it when there are so many people that have animals, and dont look after them, that a dearly loved baby is taken away.  There is nothing I can say to ease your grief.  You cannot get over this in a flash it is too big.  You will cry many tears, you will shout and scream, I know I did.  As for your husband, for 3 weeks I was the same with my dear man.  I got to the point that the more he said to console me, the more I felt that I hated him.  It is all part of our grief.  Come to this site whenever you need, we all understand.  Much Love, Di xxx
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #6 
Dear Butterfly,

I am in tears reading your post, and I am so very sorry your Beloved little Kato passed.  I very much understand the indescribable and paralyzing agony that you feel.  You have lost a precious part of your life, your child, the one you loved and cared for so deeply.  I know nothing is comforting now.  It is better to just allow yourself to mourn, for you have every reason to grieve the loss of your baby boy.

There are people here who care about you and understand what you are going through, come as often and whenever you need to.  Take care of yourself.  Look to your Toby who may be grieving too.

I send you my deepest sympathy, my friend - I know the depth of your sorrow.  I will say a special prayer for your little pom boy, Kato - I bet he was so cute and sweet.

Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever
diane

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 2,719
 #7 
Dear Julie,  I am so very sorry for your loss of Kato.  It is so hard to loose these wonderful furkids who are so much a part of our lives and families.  You have my deepest sympathy.  They ARE children to us and I know  your pain.

I lost my female Pomeranian, Dallas, to congestive heart failure, over 5 1/2 yrs ago and came to this board for support and comfort and have been here ever since.  Please give yourself time to heal.  It takes us all different amounts of time but believe me you are not healed in 4-5 days.  If no one there understands come here for support.  We all know what you are going through.  Go out to a secret special place and scream if you want to.  Cry and let it out.  You are normal and there is nothing wrong in loving our pets.  I can assure you there is not one human in the world that would get excited each and every time they see us, but our pets do.  They put no conditions on love, as most humans do.  So love him and let it out.

Bless you and the spirit of your beloved Kato.  My little Dallas was waiting for him as soon as he arrived at Rainbow Bridge.  She will watch him for you.

Love,  Diane
butterfly72

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #8 
Thank you all so much for your wonderful words of support.  I actualy did get out today, felt I owed it to my husband to do what he wanted to do today.  Ofcourse we took our sweet Toby with us, and I loved on him all day long, and that really helped my heart today.  I did talk alot about Kato today, and had some tears, but no anger today, and that was nice.  The anger just exhausted me yesterday, and I woke up drained and feeling "defeated", for the lack of a better word.  This board has restored my faith in mankind, with all the caring, loving people that are here.  I also realized today that Toby really needs me now, and I need to be present for him now.  He has been down since losing his "big" brother, and I need to make sure he knows how special he is and how much Momma loves him too.  I know I most likely have limited time with him, and I don't want to hate myself for not being there for him when he needed me the most.  I know when he goes I will be a complete and total wreck again, but I just can't bear to think about that now.  I have to be thankful for the time I have left with, I guess.  Just today I told my husband that maybe my little Kato wanted to go to the Bridge first, so he can show my big scaredy cat Toby the way.  Even though Kato was a 10 pound baby, and Toby a big boy at 140 pound, Kato was older and was always the boss.  He taught Toby so much, and we would laugh when we would see them playing, tugging the rope between them.  Toby so gentle and careful with little Kato...his big brother in a smaller body.  Kato was always brave and not scared, but Toby has always been more of a scared boy, a little unsure.  So it would be just like Kato to once again show him the way to the light.  How heavy my heart is...

Thank you all for being there, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this wonderful board, I really don't.  Thank you for your prayers for Kato as well as for Toby and my husband.  We really need them now.  And I will, as I have been this week, praying for all of you and your fur babies.
Julie

p.s. Diane, I cried when I saw your picture of sweet little Dallas.  How beautiful she is!  All poms seem to have that same wonderful expresssion in their eyes, just like Kato.  I'm sure your little girl helped show Kato his way. It helps to know he won't be alone there.  :)

rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #9 
To Julie

So sorry for your loss.  It hurts so much.

You are angry at this time for losing your precious Kato and it is one of the stages of grieving.  Rupert has been gone 19 weeks tomorrow and I still cry and feel extremely sad.  He was in my life for 15 years and he was my friend and companion.  I have lost 3 cats in the last 10 years but he is the most profound.  Some days I find it hard to get out of bed.  You need to surround yourself with understanding animal loving people.  Come to this site.  We have all suffered loss that has affected us in the worst way.  Friends don't always understand.  I have Rupert's photo (all enlarged) all over the place and I talk to him all the time.  Some people would think I'm crackers but it makes me feel better as I always talked to him when he was alive.  He used to talk back. 

Spend as much time as possible with Toby now.  There will be plenty of time to grieve later when you are alone. My kids were worried about me as I wasn't eating and all I did was cry.  Now I do it when they are at school and my husband is at work. He doesn't understand

Best Wishes for you grieving. Ruperts Mum


diane

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 2,719
 #10 
Dear Julie,  I am glad our responses to your loss helped in some small way.  I know and remember well the gut wrenching pain of loss.  We will continue to be here for you.  My Miss Dallas was only 3.2 lbs when she died.  She was 11 1/2 yrs. old. 

I would love to see photos of Kato when you feel up to it.  Also I pray for your husband and your Toby.

Love,  Diane
heffalump

Registered:
Posts: 58
 #11 
Hiya Butterfly72

I am so sorry to read of your loss of precious Kato
It truly is a devastating time and it is still very early days just now.

I identify with you as our bouncer was our surrogate baby as we were told we couldnt have human children and she was our world

You will never ever forget kato as kato will never forget you either

It is such early days and your emotions are all over the place, i too felt that no one truly understood my grief until i stumbled across this website late one evening

Sending you much love and strength

I did find the chat room to this site such a huge help during the early days (its now over a year)

Hxx
Sheila

Registered:
Posts: 55
 #12 
Julie,

I feel your loss too - I am right there with you.  For a month, I was tending to my Whiskers because he was having a health downturn related to renal failure.  Suddenly, my Rascal was seriously ill (nearly 20 years old) and gone in 5-6 days!  So, I know what you mean - being almost cruel!  This was just 2 weeks ago.  I share all those exact same emotions with you.  I don't know how I will make it either.  I am forcing myself to do somethings.  Sometimes, I am horrified at what happened.  I think I am still clinging to hope that this isn't real.

However, I know that Rascal is safe and happy and that he visits me.  I talk to him constantly and tell him how much I love him.  I ask him for help in getting through this. 

Perhaps knowing there are others in your same shoes will help you.  I come here often.  I feel like I am losing my mind.....but this life goes on and somehow we have to also.

Whiskers is hanging in there (18-19years old) and I think improved.  He will go to the vet this week.  I also have a 16 year old chow/shepherd mix, so I know that I have to get my act together for these two older pets.  I'm there with you - keep posting, together we shall survive somehow..... what else can we do?

Sheila
mw0263

Registered:
Posts: 139
 #13 
Dear Julie,

I am so sorry that you must endure this pain.  I know the feeling of the uncontrollable crying (sobbing) that just takes over.  Not wanting to eat or even get out of bed.  Understand that it feels like we lost children.  I've always said that they are like babies, because you must take care of them and they can't talk to you to tell you when they don't feel good or even their likes and dislikes.  But just like a child their mother figures it out and knows what her baby wants and needs.  I can tell that you are a great mommy to your furbabies and they are both so lucky to have you there for them.  Kato was a wonderful big brother to Toby who I'm sure misses him very much.  I hope you can post a picture of your boys soon.

The people here are wonderful and very comforting and I know that this is the place where you can tell us all "Kato This" and "Kato That" because we would love to hear it because we know how comforting and healing it is to talk about them.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that someday soon you will post your Kato and Toby's pictures for us all.

Margaret
dianae2002

Registered:
Posts: 317
 #14 

Dear Julie,
 
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby Kato. You have suffered so much these days, I can understand your pain.I felt exactly the same. I lost my sweet little dog Jessie two months ago. My husband also told me after some days to try to go on and not think about my loss. It was so hard. I cried and I could not eat or sleep good. But then I concentrated myself on my other furbaby, my cat Neko and I gave him love and he somehow sensed my pain and gave me comfort. I'm so glad I did that because two weeks ago I lost my Neko when he was hit by a car. Now I can say it hurst but it gets a little better everyday. I always think of my little angels and how happy they are now. The best is just to go out, to try to focus in other things and then little by little you'll be able to go on in peace.
 
Diana, Jessie and Neko's mom.
CindyH

Registered:
Posts: 577
 #15 
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.    After a year and a half, I still grieve the loss deeply of my Maltese, Merry.    When I look back to that first week of her loss, first few weeks, first month, I have no idea how I got through it.   But somehow as painful as it was, I did.    I wanted nothing to do with anything, was not eating, sleeping and like you, sat at the computer and cried and cried.   My husband too, told me to stop doing this or that because it was unhealthy.   I felt he did not fully understand the connection I had to Merry and the huge loss in my life.  I will share with you what I have shared with others.   That deep piercing pain you feel right now will somehow lessen a bit.   You will still hurt, still grieve, but it will not be so raw and unbearably painful as it is right now.    What also helped me a lot in the beginning stage was reading pet loss books before going to bed.    I got a bunch out of the library.    It brought me peace to be able to relate to the authors and other stories and realize my pain was very real.    I will keep you in my thoughts. 

Many hugs..

Cindy
Merry's mom
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