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jdubtx

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Posts: 5
 #1 

Jackson was our home's heart, and my best friend. It's almost a week now and nothing is normal.  I have known loss in my life, but this has been more painful than anything I ever experienced. I am broken, and have been unable to eat and I just have crying fits over the loss and absence these past 6 days.

Jackson had oral melanoma, diagnosed back in late Aug '17, after a long run of good health. I'm shattered - dead quiet house, I just sit in a daze.  Sometimes we sit smelling his blankets and toys. He really was the soul of our home, and a cherished member of our family. Lost 8 pounds since his vet home hospice support ramped last week. I just shaved for first time in over 12 days.  Never had sadness and anguish this deep in my entire life.

He had so many qualilty-of-life "good" days right up until the week before he passed. He had a stroke Tuesday May 8th, which left him less able to walk - but he actually rallied and seemed to be doing better. Then he had a seizure Saturday May 12, and we let him go. His oncologist, despite a vaccine we gave him to slow the cancer, believes the cancer may have made it to his brain.  We were going to actually do a ct scan, to learn more, if he got better after the stroke. It seemed possible he might bounce again, but in the end Jackson let us know it was time.

Jackson's end-of-life was as painless as we could make it. Was able to say good-bye in our home, in his favorite spot.. I know he lasted so long thru the illness because he wanted to stay...he fought with so much dignity for just a little dog, but we couldn't bear the thought of  him suffering after the seizure. Our hospice vet was there in 30 minutes and we took our time and said goodbye.

We had such a strong bond with him, he was our every day. We drove when we could have flown places, just to have him with us on trips. As he got older we just stayed home all the time with him. His passing leaves such a huge hole in me. I know it gets better, everybody is telling us. But right now I can't imagine how, and I can't imagine the day-in and day-out without him. The loss brought more anguish more than any other loss I ever had. Jackson was my best friend for almost 15 years.

Love you Jackson. -Mommy & Daddy

cosesmom

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Posts: 580
 #2 
I feel your pain and heart ache. There is nothing as hard as losing our love on four legs. I watched your video and was so very happy that you shared it with us. I lost my Termy in September of last year and it's still so very hard to go on without him. I wish we all could have them by our sides forever and never have to let them go. I felt and saw the love that you gave Jackson and the love he returned.
Again, I am so very sorry. I wish I had words to say that would heal all of our broken hearts but sadly I don't. I am sending you all of my understanding and compassion.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy;'s mom
stronics

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #3 
jdubtx
I know how you feel and it is heart breaking. I'm 75 and lost my dear Cooper in January, I am just starting to get to where I can say his name without breaking down. I miss him so much everyday.
I wish you more peace with your sorrow, it's the hardest thing I've every went through.
David
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #4 
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jackson. I have a similar bond with my dog Arby, who has a late stage kidney disease diagnosis. The human / animal bond is so special. I feel for you -- although my beloved pup hasn't passed away yet... I am bracing myself and really concerned with how empty, lonely, and sad I will feel without him here. I know all of us on this site love our pets and can at least lend a sympathetic ear and offer a kind word... I hope and pray we can move through the loss and the grief ... eventually to gratitide for being so lucky to have had the chance to know such pure, joyous love on this earth while we did.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Jackson. I'm glad he had such a loving family through to the end. Thinking of you during this very difficult time.
Mondo

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 994
 #5 
I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand the devastation, soul crushing anguish.  It's been 4 years since Tuffy passed, (Toby passed 3 years ago, but Tuffy was my Heart Dog) -- reading your post now I am in tears.  It does get better, but it can take a long time.  My mantra in the early weeks was "He was worth it."  Worth the grief.  Knowing how it ends we would do it over again.    The first year really was hard, all the firsts.  The first Christmas without him, his birthday.  Our first trip without him along.  

It does get better, but my opinion is that time doesn't heal.  It scabs over the scars, and we learn to live with the loss.  And we learn to re-frame the loss.  How much we learned, how much we loved, how much we realize that life is fleeting, make the most of our time with our loved ones.  

Now we have Ellie and Missy.  But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Tuffy and Toby.  Their dog tags are on my keychain, and I will often take them out on our walks .. especially when we go by the place where both of their ashes were spread.  Hold them to my heart and my eyes get shiny.

Hang in there .. it does get better.  One hour at a time at first. Then one day at a time.  Some months down the road, there are more smiles than tears.  But can't say the tears ever really end, just like the love never ends.

Hugs,
Tuffy, Toby, Ellie and Missy's Dad


Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #6 
Jdubtx,
Feeling Your deep emotion in the loss of Your beloved Jackson.
Yes, we lived large, loved and touched each others lives for so many years. We love them to the moon and back and they return the Love by actions and yes, seems impossible to see a Life without them-- the Loss is downright devastating.
Been 4m since my beloved of 16y passed.
What I find therapeutic is a lit candle  to honour his Life and to maintain that ''CONNECTION'' of Spirituality, also present are framed photos and music therapy is effective.
May the above assist You in your daily tread in going forward.
To Happier times, Memories are all we have-Cherish.
Thankyou for sharing the handsome photo of Jackson!!
Living On Our Hearts.........
                                                                           Sherry-PerryRIP
MollyJo

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #7 
I feel everybodys pain I lost my boxer Molly 3/14/2018 and I still cry for her everyday, I cant not get used to her not being here my life I don't think will ever be the same, I don't want to do anything, I loved her more than I ever loved a human being, people are right that we give them our heart and soul, it is tearing me up with out molly here, I know she is living in my heart and she goes everywhere I go, I am going to see my molly again for sure I believe in miracles, I talk to my baby girl everyday, God Bless your loss
Dawn1118

Registered:
Posts: 58
 #8 
I totally understand what you're going through....such devastation.  I lost my 16 yr old female yorkie Mocha just 2 weeks ago and I don't feel I will ever get over it.  Her loss has brought me to my knees with grief.  I don't know what to do with myself.  The only thing that gives me any kind of comfort is knowing there are people out there that know exactly how I'm feeling.  I have been told i should be happy that I had her for so long cuz she was an old lady but it doesn't help.  One day at a time now is all we can do and hope for the best.  For me, just saying this out loud is helpful.  I'm possibly considering another puppy.  I am sorry for your loss....Maybe we can all help each other get through this....God Bless you~

Mocha's Mom 
jdubtx

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #9 
Thank you all, so very much, for your kind words and support.  It really helps to hear from people who have been there and understand.  We've been going through so much the past 12+ days.  We miss Jackson so very much, it still hurts.  We got his ashes back home at the start of the week - and it kind of brought everything back fresh again, which we knew it would.  
There are moments here and there where it starts to get a little easier, you feel a light moment...but then something reminds you - or you miss having mealtime and evening walk. Or bedtime, or the mornings where he enjoyed the sunshine in the back yard.   The house still feels weird, I know it will start to get better.  Maybe it already has, but this weekend we're doing a road trip to kind of get out and see family.  I need a change of scenery, it's just so hard after 15 years to not have him here with us.

We started changing up our routine a little, riding our bicycles or just walking our neighborhood since it has been a couple years since eackson could walk that far.  It has a helped a little - but I know this is all a process.     We will love and cherish the memory of our pup forever.

Thanks again,

Julian and Kimberly
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