Registered: 1365141631 Posts: 3
I can not describe the pain I have been in since my precious, sweet, amazing, CHILD and best friend of 22 years , BooBoo, (2 decades and 2 years) passed away in my arms.
I got BooBoo when she was only 3 months old. A gorgeous lilac-point ragdoll kitten with baby blue eyes. She stole my heart the second I laid eyes on her.
I took her home and treated like a baby (I don't have children and I have never been married). I protected her, adored her, spoiled her, worried about every little thing with her, talked to her like a person. I never ever let her outdoors. That was never an option. BooBoo was my safe place. My rock. She saw me through everything...and some extremely hard times.
BooBoo was my life. IS my life.
As a singer and songwriter I wrote a song about our life together...in which she is actually on the recording. All her meows, purrs, licking sounds. The song is called The BooBoo Blues. I wanted her to be on my cd and a part of my music...forever. (the cd is on my website (Vedamuzik.com) if anyone wants to hear the song. I tell you all this to show you just how close I was to her. She was my soul mate. Anyhow, BooBoo was not a cat to me, but a human. My baby. I am LOST w/o her. Completely lost. And time does not heal all wounds. Not for me anyway.
Since Halloween morning@ 9:55am when she passed away, choking in my arms and gasping for breath (the vet had given her a narcotic called Buprenex the day before to give her some "relief" and to "try to increase her appetite". Instead, her frail 4.6 pound body couldn't take it and it basically knocked her out and she seemed to have no control over her upper body. She went to go throw up and couldn't hold her head up and choked. I tried everything to save her. As I held her in the bathroom, crying and screaming for her to breathe, I administered Cpr. Twice. She looked into my eyes and let out a gasping sound and drifted away...
I died inside that day. She took me with her. It's been nearly 4 months now and all I do is cry out to her, scream for her, go into sobbing fits and panic attacks. I don't sleep (it's 3am as I type this in tears). I wake up and miss her. Beyond miss her...I ACHE for her.
I am suffering a lot of guilt for not putting her down like everyone was telling me to do. She was having trouble holding herself up and walking. But I became her legs. I held her up. I took her food to her (which until the last 2 days before she passed, she was eating. She LOVED to eat. She ate her cat food AND human food. What I ate (within reason), she ate. She would "yell" at me with a "BUUUUUR-OW" sound. Never a Meow. She would burrr-ow for me to lift her up into her bean bag bed that sat right beside my chair. She could get up on her own but she would look back at me and let it be known that she wanted lifted and gently laid down on her blankey. She would put her left paw in the palm of my hand while watching tv...she could be fast asleep...once I got up out of my chair, her little head would pop up and she would be up and following me. If in the shower, she would yell out for me until I came out. If on the phone, she would yell for me to get off. It made everyone who called me laugh so hard. She was my little Queen BooBoo. I am bawling as I type this. Our story together is so special. Our relationship so unique.
Halloween was our favorite holiday. I always dressed her up. Last year she was a Unicorn. (she's been almost every Halloween costume and has over 30 outfits).
All I can say is said perfectly in a Michael Bolton song: "How am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been loving you so long
And tell me, How am I supposed to live without you
And how am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been living for...is gone"
-Broken without My BooBoo:(
Registered: 1394551257 Posts: 234
I will say I read your website and you are obviously strong and determined, leaving what would seem to be that perfectly good job and packing up to head to Nashville to make it in a very tough business. But those qualities that led you there in no way preclude also having a heart and soul and getting hurt. Those 22 years BooBoo spent with you represent, no matter how long you live, a significant portion of your time and not having her there a terrible disruption in both your daily and existential routine. What is a mere four months since she left in comparison to that? Nothing really. As others here would tell you, this is not something you get over but rather through, a little at a time and certainly not lineally. I happened upon this quote earlier this morning and I think it is true:
Walk fearlessly into the house of mourning. For grief is just love squaring up to its oldest enemy, and after all these mortal human years love is up to the challenge. I have had a cat for ten years, and albeit I am certainly much older than you I cannot imagine my life without him. For sure, cats can be well, cats (hence BooBoo's insistence on being picked up to her throne) but they in many ways bring out the best in us, as they remind us on a regular basis that we are not alone, nor necessarily in charge. As a songwriter I imagine you know the power words have, but yet I know of none that can truly assuage your grief. All I can do is tell you you are certainly not alone as you walk this path and hope your journey leads you to a place of some peace.
Registered: 1515548302 Posts: 123
Veda, Heartbreaking to read your passage. Definitely a family member and to have lived 22 years, 8030 days, that is a real void to You. We have all lost valuable members of Our family on this Forum and speaking on behalf of ALL of Us, OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO ''YOU''. We DO know how you feel ! . May his Memory be a Blessing. PEACE to YOU, Sherry/Perryxx
Registered: 1365141631 Posts: 3
Thank you Soothspader and Always there. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes and made my heart swell up with emotion. I sit here in a restaurant in Nashville typing this as my waitress asks me "are u ok?". No. I'm not "ok", but as always, I say, "yeah, just going through a hard time".
I am so blessed to have found this site. I am going to need it. I wish I could give everyone a free cd so thry could hear my song I wrote for BooBoo. She actually meows the word "Mama" in the song. She had so many different meows. But none of them came out as a "meow" sound. If not human, she was extremely human-like. After 22 years around me, how could she not be? I would start singing and she would mirror my sounds back to me exactly as I sang them. It was magical. I always thought my Grandma Veda (who I am named after) came back to me in a cat form. And that form was BooBoo.
I named BooBoo, booboo because she had a nodule at the end of her tail that made the breeder (BooBoo was a rare lilac point rag doll that I found at The Madison Square Garden Cat Show in NYC) who picked her out of all of her liters, reject her and told me she couldn't breed her due to the nodule. So long story, short, my baby girl's "boo-boo" in her tail brought her to me. Her imperfections to her breeder made her PERFECT (puuurrrfect) to ME.
God, Y'all...it's hellish with out her. Thank u for your love and support. My heart goes out to you as well for your heartache and grief for the babies you lost. God hold u tight and never let go. Amen.
Registered: 1518139560 Posts: 2
Your story made me have all of the feels. It's very clear to me that the love that you had for each other was remarkable. I lost my baby girl 2 days ago, and she was the best cat I've ever had. How lucky we are to have had the time we had with these wonderful creatures?
Registered: 1365141631 Posts: 3
Errai, we are beyond lucky. We are Blessed. God hold u tight and never let go for the loss of your baby girl. She was also blessed to have you. One epic and magical, angelic day we will hold them again. That will be my Heaven.