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Chris10

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Hi everyone. I’m new to the group unfortunately. I had to put my dog Willow down about one week ago. She was about 11 and a half years old, boxer, it was definitely her time. She was dx with cancer last Monday (feb10) and we ended up putting her down Wednesday (feb12) b/c she got real sick fast. She also had Addison disease and hypothyroidism for last 5-6 years which we treated. She had a great life and she was always my top priority. I took her everywhere and she was my shadow for 11 plus years. Even though I still cry everyday im at peace with the fact she passed and the day we had to put her down. But what’s really causing me guilt is the amount of time I spent with her on her final day. Not getting into too many details but basically Tuesday night (feb11) while we were sleeping, or trying to sleep, was when I first thought that I would have to put her down the next day most likely. It was 2 days going on 3 with her not eating/drinking and her cough was getting worse. And I started to hear a little labor in her breathing. She was restless. So next morning she could barely walk. I wanted to call off work but I called off that Monday and I felt bad doing it again. . I’m traveling dds and if I don’t go the whole team shuts down. I wasn’t ready to take her first thing to vet so I put her on couch next to my mom. (She always layed there when I was gone). I called work and told them I could only do half day. My plan was to come back home spend a little time w her and barring s miracle take her in to be euthanized. Well I worked half day. Rushed home. She was even worse than in the morning I knew she was going so I rushed her to vet and put her down. So I was there in the end with her. My mom thinks she waited for me before letting go. Which I agree with. When I walked in she put her paw on me with the last strength she had. She was actually trying to comfort me cuz I was balling. So problem is I feel extremely regrettful/ guilty that I went into work even though I left early. I should have called off totally and spent more time with her or maybe have taken to vet a few hours earlier so she would have suffered less. I wouldn’t have been fired or anything. I’m soooo mad that I decided to work half day and I totally regret it. And it’s gett a little better but this guilt is eating me alive on the inside. I just need to talk this out.
nikeajax

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Posts: 3
 #2 
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I understand the feeling that you could have done more for your pet/spent more time with them.
It's something I will struggle with almost as long as my mourning lasts. But you need to realize that nobody is perfect, and even the most well balanced people do/don't do things we then feel we should have/shouldn't have done. You have to remember, that this is just a fraction of time compared to the long and wonderful life you gave to Willow. And besides, the mere fact that you were with her in the end is wonderful in itself. I'm sure she was at peace during her last moments, because you were there for her.
You shouldn't feel guilty that you weren't with her more on that day. Instead try to think about how soothing it must have been for her to have you by her side even in the last moments. You two had a precious relationship til the very end and I'm certain she knew how much you cherished her.
You gave her a wonderful life and a wonderful end.
Chris10

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thanks so much for replying nikeajax. It’s crazy but I never even thought of that. This whole time I’ve been only focused on the guilty feeling. Thank god that I made it in time for the final hour and we were together. My mom believes and so do I that she was waiting for me to come home. It’s only been about a week so it’s still fresh. A friend of mine said at first all you can think of is the final days which of course are painful no matter how it ends. But then as time goes on he said you start to let some of those last days fade and think of the better times which were many in 11.5 years.
It’s getting a little better over time but I really do miss her. I still find myself looking for her and even talking to her. (I don’t think I’m crazy). But I really needed to hear something positive about that last day. I hope the guilt lessens cuz it’ will definitely affect my health in long run. And this might sound weird but if my dog Willow is still out there in spirit? Or whatever? It would upset her if she could sense my inner stress, pain and guilt. If we were happy she was happy.
Chris10

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #4 
Nikeajax, thank you for your response. You know I’ve never even thought of that part. I’ve been so focused on my time missed I’m ignoring the fact that we were together in the end. A friend of mine said right now you have strong memories of her final days and it’s easy to go real negative. In time he said those memories will fade and you’ll remember all of your good times. I hope that’s true.
It has gotten a little better day by day. It’s only been a week. I really do miss her. I still look for her and don’t think I’m crazy but I still talk to her. I hope she can still connect with me somehow or hear me somehow. Who knows?
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