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Scooter2

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Posts: 22
 #1 
Hi everyone, my name is Sara. My 15 1/2 year old soul-mate kitty, Scooter, was first diagnosed with early CKD well over 2 1/2 years ago. At the time, his thyroid level was also high, but not enough to be considered truly hyperthyroid. Frequent montinoring showed fluctuations. His kidney numbers would rise and fall as would his T4. After continued weight loss, we took radiographs of his whole body which showed a slightly enlarged heart but not much else. An ultrasound showed evidence of potential IBD, chronic low-grade pancreatitis, and early CKD. He became anemic at one point, but that normalized on its own.

In January, he officially became hyperthyroid, and we started treatment with a low dose of methimazole. He developed vomiting and inappetence, and then developed a rare side effect that caused him to try to scratch his face off. Stopped the medication and decided to focus on quality of life as surgery was out as an option (heart murmur, bad kidneys) as was I131. Anyways, his quality of life has been good. He’s on Prozac (for inappropriate urination), B12, and an antacid. Still, his weight loss has continued. His heart murmur is worse, and blood work in July showed elevation in his liver values and in one pancreatic enzyme. This all makes him sound like a train wreck, but he’s been happy. We moved to the country in March, and he’s been able to get the outside time he needs (catio and harness walks).

It’s only a matter of time before his body gives out. From a high of 13.5 lbs (admittedly too much), he is now 8.5 lbs.

Scooter is my soul mate. I’ve been waiting for him to give me a sign, but he is tough as nails.

I have to man up and take on the role of God and make this decision, but it hurts so damn much. He’s seen me through everything in the past 15+ years. He’s saved my life. I love him so much.

If you made it through my rambling I thank you. I guess I just need feedback from others who understand. I need to know that it will be ok. I’ve been waiting for the right time. It doesn’t exist.
cosesmom

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Posts: 580
 #2 
Dear Scotter's mom,
I am so sorry for your heart ache. I to know the pain of making that awful decision of letting them go. I did read here on this web site that it always better to let them go one day to soon than one day to late. It took me a while to fully understand what this meant, but I do understand now. It is better to say goodbye while they are somewhat okay than to make them wait until there is no quality of life for them.
  I sent my fur baby to the Bridge on Sept. 18th. It was one of the most awful days of my life. He to went from over 13 pounds to just a bit over 10. He had stopped eating all together over the weekend and I knew he was ready to even if I wasn't. But I had his love for over 16 years and boy what a ride. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I never wanted him to ever suffer and he didn't. I to knew Termy was fading and his body was failing him even if his mind was still strong. As I have said his mind was willing but his body wasn't. I miss him everyday and cry a lot.
It is never easy. I don't think it's fair that their lives are so short but boy do they pack a lot of love in those years to share with us.
Find your love and support here, because you are never alone.
Doggie hugs and kisses
Termy's mom
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #3 
Thank you, Cosesmom! I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Termy sounds like he was a very special little man. I had a talk with my husband tonight. He doesn’t think that Scooter is suffering now, but he understands where I’m coming from. Scooter’s appetite is low. Half of his breakfast was still there when I got home and he has maybe had 1 bite of dinner. He very much enjoyed being brushed, but didn’t show any interest in playing. I have an ideal final day in my mind, although, by the looks of it, the weather has no interest in cooperating any time soon. We’ll see. I’m going to monitor Scoots very closely over the next couple of days. Unless he rebounds quickly, I’m going to have to make the call. I’m anticipating the pain to come and I don’t know how I’m going to survive or at least stay sane. Anyways, thank you for your support and I wish you the best with your healing. Take care ❤️
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #4 
Aaand, he gets a reprieve. I can’t say that he isn’t tough, that’s for sure. He’s still happy. He’s eating again. He played his favorite game earlier and very much enjoyed being brushed. He’s not vomiting at all. He has no symptoms. He has no properly working organs, but he’s still happy. I don’t get it. He’s a legend. I’m sure that I’ll be back soon, but, for now, his friends at the Bridge will have to wait.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #5 
Hello Sara, sorry for the struggles you are going through! Not sure if I can say that the time is ever right.. You've mentioned Scotter doesn't have symptoms and still happy. Doesn't that mean he can still stick around? 
If I can suggest something, give him as much love and attention you can and he's willing to take! At least then you'll have one less thing to feel guilty about.
I hope you two can enjoy more time together!
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #6 
Dearest Scooter's mom,
So very happy for you. Hang onto the good. Love him to the bottom of your heart and make everyday special.
Keep us updated
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #7 
It’s been 2 and 1/2 months. Scoots is in another dip, and I don’t really feel I can write about it anywhere other than here. Feel free to ignore this if you wish. Anyways, Scooter's weight has dropped from 9 lbs to 8.4 (weighing me, than me and him and subtracting so I may be a bit off). His appetite is low, as far as I can tell. He still only rarely vomits. He still asks to go out, although it is bitterly cold, so he can’t go out for more than a minute. This winter has been hard on him as going out, even just into his catio, is a huge part of what keeps him going. Spring is so far away here, and I don’t know if he will make it to see the warm sun return. His health has been like a roller coaster for so long. I don’t know if this is just another low point, of if we are truly close to the end. I’m going to talk to his vet tomorrow. I have a real fear of driving him to the vet as his heart is not good and the trip causes him to panic. I don’t want to kill him trying to help him. I do want to help him be more comfortable if I can. I’m slightly curious to see if his lab results have changed greatly, but I’m not sure if that makes submitting him to more tests worth it. At any rate, I’ll talk to his DVM tomorrow. On another note, I’m supposed to travel far away to visit family at the end of March, beginning of April. I can’t figure out how to explain that I can’t leave if Scoots is still alive (I’m the only one who can medicate him). It sounds as though I’m choosing a cat over family! I don’t know. This sucks. That is all.
soothspader

Registered:
Posts: 234
 #8 
I hope for the best for Scooter, and that he continues to be a tough guy and adds to his legend.  As everyone would tell you, if you postpone that trip in March-April you are not choosing a cat over family.  Scooter, although he may not be a blood relative, is as much your family as anyone.  When parents adopt a human child the mere fact they are not related by blood does not stop them from loving him/her as much as a biological child.  So Scooter is a cat, so what?  As you yourself have said, Scooter has saved your life and you love him.  I hope you find peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead.

Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #9 
Thank you. I’m really at a loss. I’m going to try and bring him in to his vet again (with calming medication on board) to see if I’m missing anything that could help him, although we’ve been over this so many times over the past Year. He can’t tolerate methimazole. He’s not a candidate for I131 therapy. Sub-Q fluids may help his kidneys, although he has a significant heart murmur which means we would have to be very cautious about that. Maybe an appetite stimulant, although what is the purpose if his body is indeed shutting down. It’s just that he still has a spark. He still cuddles. He chased my cell-phone charger (that I didn’t realize was dangling out of my bag) today. If it was up to him, he would live forever! I keep waiting for a sign. Anyways, thank you again for your support ♥️
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #10 
Update - Scooter is tougher than any cat I have known, but even he can not win against this. I rechecked blood work just over two weeks ago. His thyroid is out of control after a long period of near stability. Everything is failing. More discussion and more opinions and the last chance for him was to try methimazole one last time at an absolutely tiny dose. 2 weeks later and he has reacted again, milder than before, but the message is clear. We are done. My heart has been ripped in half. I have to choose a day to have him euthanized. I so wanted him to see spring, but I don’t think he will even make it that far. I was in a depression before this. Now, I’m hanging by a thread. His body is broken. My soul hurts so much.
Sunnys_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #11 
I think you can say that you tried everything that would be medically possible given his fragile state.  Hopefully you can take some solace from that eventually if not now. I still want answers after helping my beloved chow/retriever mix cross over a week ago yesterday.  You go nuts with thinking how you don't want to put them through car rides and such when their bodies are so frail.  But, you also want to get to the bottom of what is ailing them.  I knew of  all of Sunny's issues, and at times it just felt like the vets were saying - well - he's just going to decline - sounds like that's the progression of his disease.  Well, do something about it!  What can I do about it?  We really do rely on our vets a lot - especially when our brains are mush from stress and worry.  If we aren't thinking of something then we need all options made available to us so we can decide.  

You loved your boy and its' apparent - he'd probably go on until the very end for you.  So, as much as it will hurt- and it will hurt - perhaps you can help him pass at home so he won't have to endure another car ride.  

We're thinking of you and with you during this time.

Sunny's Mom
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #12 
Thank you, Sunny’s mom. Today, Scooter was given his wings. It was a long fight that we were never going to win. I’m so sorry for your loss of Sunny. Maybe Sunny and Scoots will run into each other at the Bridge ❤️
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #13 
This is the first time I’ve woken up without him. I only got 3 hours sleep at most. The rest was spent in an absolute panic. I hoped it was all a bad dream when I woke up, but it wasn’t. The pain is unbearable. Now, I have to drive out into a snowstorm and work and somehow be functional. I am broken. I can’t stop crying. Why couldn’t there be another way?
Sunnys_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #14 
I understand completely about being expected to function (and going out into the snow certainly is not helpful).  I"m so sorry that society expects it from us - and often our financial situation requires it.  I dreamt of Sunny lsat night.  I have had a horrible 1.5 months starting about 4 weeks before he passed.  The anxiety is killing me and I'm having some minor health issues.  I am unable to concentrate - and now feel like some depression is setting in.  It's surreal that Sunny is gone - and I'm sure it will be that way for Scooter too - likely for some time to come.  I'm so sorry he isn't there and that you had to part.  Please be careful out there and take care of yourself extra during this time.


Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #15 
I brought Scooter’s ashes home today. That part seems unreal to me. It’s not him anymore. The loss, however, is very real. I am not sleeping well. I’m mostly feeling depression and panic with sudden overwhelming moments of guilt and “what if’s”. If I could, I would hide away in bed for a long time. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I work full-time and haven’t been able to even take a little time off. I’m also expected to act normally at home. All of this pretending is wearing me out. Or maybe that’s just the grief. I miss my Baby Boy.
BuddyBear

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #16 
I am so so sorry to hear about Scooter. Reading through the posts, I can see everything you guys went through together the last several months. I can so relate. We had to put my dog, Buddy, down 2 weeks ago - and it was the hardest day of my life so far. The day we got his ashes back was a really really tough day. It made it all feel so real - in a way it had not before then. And I so understand what you mean about having to pretend and act normal. Not everyone truly understands this loss we are going through - so I feel like I have to keep it together at work every day and pretend all is OK. It is not easy and can really weigh on you. I just take breaks when I need to and go to the bathroom at the office for a good cry! And share my sadness with friends and family who knew Buddy or truly understand. Please try and take care of yourself - a friend of mine gave me some kind words as I've been grieving the past 2 weeks. She said that taking care of myself as I grieve - and making sure I try and eat and sleep - is a way of honoring Buddy and his life and the love we have for him. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you - but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. 
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #17 
Thank you, BuddyBear. I wish you comfort in your healing journey. It has now been over two weeks since I last held Scooter in my arms. I initially shoved much of my pain down as feeling it all at once made me feel like I was going to die. I think that there is a lot of pain buried still, but I’ve been able to let some out, a little bit at a time. The other day, it wasn’t freezing cold for once - in the 40’s F. The sun was out, and the very first signs of spring appeared. The first robin, geese flying overhead. I felt thankful for the sun, and then burst into tears as it was the kind of day Scooter would have loved. If he could have held on for 2 more weeks... if I had tried another drug, an appetite stimulant, something... He could have enjoyed that day. But he’s gone. I made the decision I did at that time on that day for good reasons. I can’t take it back, and I have to trust myself that I made the right decision. I took his ashes outside into the sun. It didn’t make sense, but I did it nonetheless.

Things have been so quiet. Scoots was always more vocal than my other cats, but hyperthyroidism made him more so. I will miss his yowling sarcastic voice. I picked up my phone the other day and found it open to this app I have that records voice memos. I had recorded Scooter purring shortly before he passed. Although I still can’t look at his pictures or videos, I listened to his purr. My phone being opened to that app seemed like a sign.

I think I may heal. I may end up ok. But I won’t be the same.

I always said that Scooter's death would create an opening in the home that meant that another cat could be rescued, preferably another “Black Star”. I’ve looked. I want to open my home to someone else. We have the room. We have a catio for safe outdoor adventures. They would get the best medical treatment.

But I’m not ready yet. I will keep looking. There are too many cats stuck in shelters.

Scooter’s death should mean life for someone new.

We’ll see.

I miss him.
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #18 
Hi Scooter's mom,
I just now saw the post you made on my thread about Squeeker. I am so sorry I did not notice your post and respond to you sooner. I can say I completely understand what you went through, as my kitty Blackie had kidney disease and eventually passed away from complications of kidney disease. And then you know about my journey with Squeeker's cancer battle last year...

I am so very sorry that you had to give Scooter his angel wings. It hurts like hell to make the appointment and then go through with it. I made that appointment twice for Squeeker. The first time I canceled it because I thought he was rallying. But I was wrong and finally realized that there wasn't anything more I could do for him other than to release him from his pain and suffering. So I had to make that appointment a second time and finally let him go. It will be a year ago tomorrow that he flew off to heaven with his angel wings. It was so hard to do, and I completely understand how you feel when you say you feel as though your heart was ripped in half.

It has been almost a year since Scooter passed away; how are you doing? You are right that you will heal, but it won't be the same. It never is. But, eventually you will be able to say your life was so much better with Scooter in it. I can definitely say that about my Blackie and also Squeeker. They bring so much to our lives, they give us so much love. And we return that love without giving it a second thought. So it is by that love that our lives were enriched and made so much better. And that is why it hurts like hell when they are no longer with us.

You mentioned you were thinking about adopting another cat. Have you started searching for another cat? Have you found another kitty to bring into your life and heart? Others may say otherwise, but it has been my experience, that, when you find the right cat you will know it is the right fit for you. It might take time for you to open up your heart to the new kitty, but once you do, your life will be truly enriched once again by the pure love that can only come from a companion pet.

I hope you are finding peace and healing in your heart. Please post again and let us know how things are going. I'd love to hear from you again...

Take care,

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #19 
Thank you, Kelly!

Yesterday marked 3 months since Scooter passed. When he died, I was in such immense pain that I thought it would kill me. I shut my emotions down. I’ve only been able to open the door to my grief a little over the past month. I’m now able to look at his pictures, and I put up his pawprints. I still miss him very much. I definitely still cry at times.

My husband and I ended up adopting a new cat, Samantha, at the very end of March. She wasn’t adopted as a replacement, but we knew we needed to fill Scooter’s spot in the household. Samantha definitely needed and still needs our help. We love her very much. The other two cats aren’t sure how they feel!

Samantha is almost the opposite of Scoots. Scooter was quite wild, and he depended on his adventures outside (he was harness trained) to give him life. He was born feral and was trapped at 4 months of age and then spent 6 month in a cage at the shelter. Samantha is being introduced to the outside (supervised adventures) for the first time at 5 years old. Scoots was loyal and friendly to me only, but we were very bonded and we trusted each other 100%. Samantha is friendly to everyone, but doesn’t listen to anyone ever. Scooter struggled with never ending weight loss. Samantha is very morbidly obese (on a diet). Scoots was a terror at the vet. Samantha charms everyone she meets, even at the vet. He was black and sleek. She is a dilute blue/peach tortie smoosh. If the two met, they would have hated each other.

I will never ever forget my soul kitty. He was my best friend, and he essentially saved my life. I owe him everything. I desperately hope that there is an afterlife so that I can see him again. There are not enough words to say how special he was to me. I’m so thankful for the many years we had together.

I do think that we found direction in our pain, and I’m thankful for Sammie, despite her medical issues.

Anyways, thank you for your kind post. How have you been doing?
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #20 
6 months tomorrow. All I can say is that no one has filled the hole you left and no one ever will. You were my best friend. You were everything. The house is more full than you remember. Sammie is a good girl. We have ducks now living in your barn. My days are full and busy. But I still miss you with all my heart and soul.

No one is you. No one will ever be you. You were a once in a lifetime cat. I love you. I miss you.

Thank you for spending your life with me.
soothspader

Registered:
Posts: 234
 #21 
I know this doesn't fill the empty space in your house or the hole in your heart, but I am quite sure that as much as you thank Scooter for spending his life with you, he would thank you just as much for giving him a great life, one filled with care and most importantly love.  
Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #22 
Thank you, Soothspader. I have been healing, and my bond with Sammie grows stronger.

However, I’m here tonight because of a little Rouen duck I adopted shortly after Scooter’s passing. Her name is Daphne, and she is gravely ill. Scoots, I know you wouldn’t naturally have been friends with her, but please watch over her tonight. If she must go to the Bridge, welcome her warmly and help her find Margie so that neither will be alone.

And to all the Bridge animals I have loved, to Lancelot, Mimi, Nemo, Peanut, all the others I met in life and work. I love and miss you all.

Scooter2

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #23 
Today is Scooter’s 1 year Bridge Day and I miss him. Last spring, we tried to fill the hole he left with new life. Now, we have Sammie + 3 ducks (+ our other two cats). Scoots was in his own league. No one will ever fully match up to him, which is NOT to say that the others haven’t found their own special places in my heart. Daphne is working at being as demanding as Scoots. Sammie makes a darned good alarm clock! Tiggs is just soaking up all the extra attention as our new “senior cat”.

I still miss and love Scoots and always will.

Happy(?) Bridge Day, my Baby Boy.
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