Hank, I am so so so sorry, I let you down when you needed me the most, I love you so much I wanted to know you got hurt I needed to know, why didn’t I know? I would have come to you, comfort you take you home make you better I hate that you were all alone, I am so sorry you deserved better than that I should have gone out to look for you because you were not there in the morning why didn’t I do that? I should have done that I should have gone out to look for you first thing in the morning maybe you were still alive, maybe you would have come home and still be with us.
Instead you were there alone, did you know you were dying? I hope you didn’t suffer, you tucked your paw under and put your head down and closed your eyes, I wanted to be there I needed to be there you were mine and I loved you and I left you like that to die alone I will never ever forgive myself for that never, the guilt will always be with me I let you down.
You were there like you were asleep, with your paw tucked in and your head down and your eyes closed, I cried so much I stroked you like I always did, I stroked your head and you nose and your ears, I stroke your back, your fur is so thick, you were so cold but you were still mine just for that moment, I kept saying your name, I touched your paw I touched your back I did not want to let go of you, I kissed you and hugged you I put my face next to yours I wanted to be close I kept saying how sorry I was how much I loved you and that I cant let you go I wanted you to wake up I wanted to take you with me hug you warm you up bring you back to life as I could not believe that you are gone
I still don’t, I see you everywhere in the house outside, I kept thinking you are just behind me and maybe you are but in a different way and maybe it is just in my head, I don’t know how to stop the awful guilt, I don’t know how to stop that feeling that I let you down, that you were there alone, I don’t know how to stop that pain that I felt seeing you all cold and gone, it was tearing me apart I could not breath I keep seeing it and I keep feeling that pain I did not wanted to let you go, I did not wanted to leave you to walk away whilst you were there I feel like I was abandoning you, my heart was broken.
I feel sick I feel so so so sick my chest hurts my head hurts and when a moment comes when my mind is somewhere else it just get pulled back to those awful moments when I realised I lost you, when I realised you were alone dying and when I saw you and touched you and could not let you go. I feel broken into thousands pieces by those moments I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to heal, I don’t know how to forgive myself I miss you so much I love you so much I just keep on going back to when I was stroking you and you were so cold, I wanted to bring you back to life I could not believe that you were gone, I never wanted for this to happen its tearing me apart and I don’t know what to do about it. I keep on saying the same stuff to myself, over and over again, I keep reliving the moments and trying to remember that last touch if I could I would have ran back to that vets right now and just sit there with you for as long as I possibly could and never let you go because I feel so terribly guilty for letting you die alone and that is going to stay with me forever.