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Imissyoustella

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Posts: 1
 #1 
I’ll start off by saying, this is technically not my cat i’m grieving for. She belonged to a neighbor who neglected her, so I loved her like she was my own, gave her lots of attention like she should have had, and fed her when they’d leave for days without leaving her food. I loved her like she was mine. I’ve never owned a cat before because my dad hates them, and it’s pretty much only about what he wants in the house (my four other siblings and mum would love a cat, but he says no.). I have diagnosed depression and anxiety, and I started self harming at 12 (young, I know. I don’t know how to handle things well.). Then at 13, Stella came along as a tiny kitten and warmed up my heart so much. I was cutting much less frequently, and I had even been clean for as long as 8 months at a time. Her owners never got her spayed, so around three months back she had a litter of kittens. Things were feeling so good, but then the time came where they got to go to new homes (I took care of them as well as Stella for 12 weeks, as her owners didn’t want them) and as happy as I was for them, it was harder on me because I had grown to love them so much. I was upset over Stella’s kittens leaving, then around two weeks after they all go Stella just goes missing. She is an outdoor cat, but in her year of living near us she had never gone missing for more than a day. She was always at our yard, cuddling up to us, being super sweet and waiting for food and occasional treats (because I spoiled her). Fast forward to today, three weeks after she went missing and she’s still gone. My heart literally feels like it hurts and is heavy, and I’ve started self harming again because i’ve grown so used to her being my happiness and I just miss her. I’ve been having dreams every few days of her coming back, and it just makes it worse because I wake up and she’s not here, and I wish I was just forever in a constant state of dream and I never woke up (which probably isn’t a good way to think, but I can’t help it). I went from having six cats (Stella+ her kittens) to none at all. I feel like I can’t really explain this to anyone else in my family, because none of them really cared for Stella like I did and I don’t want them worrying about my mental health again. I’m fourteen, and I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be studying, with friends, having a fun, casual teenage life, but I’m here feeling like I’m drowning over a loss of a cat that’s not even mine. I just love Stella, the cat, so much and my mum keeps reminding me that she might not be coming back and she might have been hurt. I can’t help but blame it on me. Maybe if I had taken a day off school, I could have spent the day with Stella and tried to make sure she didn’t wonder off and potentially be hurt. I’ve never dealt with the loss of an animal before either, and I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. I’m thinking of seeing someone again so I can be put back onto medication for my depression. This doesn’t feel healthy, and I’m still holding onto all hope that she’s okay and willl just come back, but i’ve already been trying so hard to find her. After school every day I look around the neighbourhood for her, after my soccer I walk home (if the field is close enough) to see if I can find her. I put up missing cat posters, contacted shelters, missing and found animal websites, and she’s all I can think of. I just miss her and want her back, we were even going to talk to the ‘owners’ about maybe being able to adopt Stella (because frankly, any owner who will leave for two weeks at a time without getting someone to feed their cat isn’t good enough in my eyes. Stella was super skinny before we fed her, and seemed unhealthy. They don’t care that she’s missing, or about her at all). I just want her to be okay. Hell, even if she’s living with someone else i’m going to be happy. At least i’ll know she’s okay.

Nobody needs to reply to this, I just really needed to get this out. Thank you xxx
JoeR

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Posts: 67
 #2 
Thank you for your post. Your pain helps me.
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