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skleck

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Posts: 5
 #1 
I had to put my baby cockapoo down (she was 11 years old) after her battle with lymphoma today. She was so weak, she hadn't eaten for like 12 days and could barely stand on her own. I know she couldn't live like that, I wanted her to stay for selfish reasons, but I can't get around the fact that I'll never get to see her again. I took her on a walk this morning (carried her the whole way because she was too weak to stand) and my arms are still tired from carrying her, but she'd gone. I have 2 other dogs who are healthy, but it was so surreal walking into the vet with 3 dogs and coming out with 2. I feel so heavy and broken and like I can't focus on anything. I'm a student at a university and am in the midst of my semester but I can't even imagine trying to do homework right now. I keep looking at pictures of her when she was happy and healthy and get angry because I feel that I was robbed of time with her. Cockapoos are supposed to live like 15 years and her littermate and sister is healthy as can be. I miss my little baby bear so much it hurts and i keep crying. I feel so weak. I can't believe that she's just gone. I'm only 22 and this dog has been around for half of my life, I don't have many memories before Shelby.

I remember the day we picked the pups up from the breeders, was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I had asked for a puppy for christmas for years and never gotten one, after we got Maggie and Shelby I never wanted anything again, they made me so so so happy. I feel like I'm not going to be able to love Maggie as well because when I see her I think of her sister. I 'm just so sad, I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't function, yet I was expected to be normal the afternoon after putting her down in the morning. I can't face the fact that next time I go back to my parent's house she won't be there 
stronics

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Posts: 37
 #2 
skleck,
You can't be expected to act normal after this. I lost my beloved Cooper to lymphoma Jan.19th. Yesterday I was a wreck all day missing him so bad, I cried most of the day. I'm 75 and I haven't been able to get back to normal, what ever that is.
I hope that you find the strength, we know how you must feel.
David
  
Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #3 
SKLECK,  I truly feel your despair and know what you are experiencing is true emotion. Once an animal has touched Your Soul-- Forever ! For all the years of unconditional love on their part toward US, the aftermath of their departure leaves all of Us in emotional turmoil. It is a day-to day healing. Peace be with You, Sherry/PerryXX

skleck

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #4 
Thank you so much for your kind words--I find that that's what is helping the most right now. Having other people validate what a special animal she was and that it's okay to need to grieve and have time to remember her. Today I was a mess, I can't really tolerate other people for very long right now, I'll look at the lovely little picture of Shelby on my phone and start tearing up and need to get somewhere alone so I can cry without judgement.

I just can't focus on anything else right now--Maybe that's because little Shelb is with me trying to help me get through it 😉 It would be hard to focus on anything else if she was sitting right next to me. 
Mondo

Moderator
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Posts: 994
 #5 

Great love brings great grief.  

It has been 4 years since Tuffy passed, and 3 years since Toby passed away.  My boys.

Losing Tuffy was the hardest loss I had, including my parents.  We don't choose our grief.  It happens.

I recall the days and weeks after he passed.  Toby was still here, but Tuffy's absence was so profound.  I thought I heard him, and felt him.  

The first year was very hard. All the firsts.  And then there were times I felt so much better, and suddenly the tears and loss all came back.  

I had to remind myself that he was worth it and that I would do it all over again, even knowing how it ended.  

Give yourself time, and understand what a deep loss this is.   

Hoping that Shelby comes to visit in dreams.  She is still with you, just not physically.

Hugs,
Tuffy, Toby, Ellie and Missy's Dad

ourbrandy

Registered:
Posts: 1,010
 #6 
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little Shelby.  I know your pain so well.

We had a cockapoo also, for 17 years.  Her name was Brandy and she was the joy of our lives.  A little buff colored ball of fluff that we got when she was 8 weeks old.  We had 17 wonderful years with her, but it's never enough.

The grief almost did us in - we said never again can we go through this.  But we did.  About 4 months after having to say goodbye to Brandy we adopted a senior cocker spaniel named Miriam who we had for 4 years.  We had to say goodbye to her this past November.  She helped us get through our crushing grief at the loss of Brandy.  She didn't replace her but she was her own special girl.

What I really want to say is that this grief is different for everyone.  You can't be expected to just "get over it" after having a pet for that long.  It's like losing a family member.  I grieved over these two losses just as much if not more than the loss of my mom and dad.

What helped me the most was this wonderful site with all the caring and compassionate people here, because they "get it."  Even though everyone's circumstances are different our hearts are still broken.  So if you can, come back here often and tell us more about Shelby and when you are up to it post some pictures.  It really does help.

I'm sending you thoughts and prayers for comfort at this most difficult time.

Barb (Angel Brandy's and Angel Miriam's mom)
~forever~

skleck

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 
It's been almost a month now and though I'm not in a state where I'm constantly crying anymore, the pain is still there and the littlest things will set me off. I saw a picture of a cockapoo on instagram that the owner nicknamed baby bear, which is what I used to call my baby Shelby. I am grateful for the tokens the vet was able to give me of my baby girl–I have an impression of her paw print and her collar and a clipping of her fur. The fur still smells like her. I miss her so much and it hurts so much to think of how long it will be before I get to see her again. My other cockapoo, Shelby's sister Maggie, just seems a little incomplete without her sister. She has had to take over as the alpha dog of the household (I also have a younger dog named Mudge) but when I go home from college I still get so sad when I don't see both Maggie and Shelby coming to greet me. 

It helps me to think of Shelby as a little angel dog. I like to think she is hanging out with all the other dogs I know who have passed (even if she didn't get along very well with them here on earth) and the people I've loved who've gone to heaven. My grandparents never got to meet Maggie and Shelby, but I like to think that now they are taking care of them.
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