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JasminesMom

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Posts: 440
 #1 
Well even though it's been well over a year now, almost a year and a half, there are still moments of intense pain and grief.

We just got out all the summer furniture and prepared the deck for all the outdoor activities I know will come with the warmer weather.  We even had our first barbecue.  I couldn't help but look at the spot where Jasmine's cushion had always been.  She'd park herself strategically enough to watch the children play in the yard and yet in just enough shade to be comfortable.  Now the spot is empty and always a reminder of what is no more.  Sure, I should be grateful for the new loves in our lives and I am I guess, but still the awful gaping hole is there, knowing they're here, because Jasmine isn't.

I know I keep saying that I've accepted the pain as part of my life now, but there are still times the way that pain is still able to affect me, catches me off guard.  I still miss her so much and no one around me really understands and I guess in their own way, have moved on.  I can't really move on, I just accept what is.  I wonder if my new sense of normal will ever be enough.
I don't know.  Having had such a wonderful companion in my life who suddenly one day was no more has changed me in so many ways.  I don't often like the person I am each day, but don't know if I can change that much.  It's like being given the greatest gift, only to have it taken away and then being told now you have to go on without it.  Is that even possible???
I know they say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, but sometimes I wonder!!!!  Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the love Jasmine gave me, but again, the pain of missing her is still so intense I have moments where I just question everything.

I think too having had to make the ultimate decision and letting her go that fateful day will forever haunt me and fill me with doubt.  Did I do right by her?  Should I have waited and tried more, again those nagging questions seem to be troubling me again and I'm not sure why. 

Sorry about the rambling, just having a really bad day and don't know where to turn.  The pain is bad enough it hurts to breathe today. 

                               Hugs to all listening, Kathy (JasminesMom)


There's No Girl Sweeter Than You My Jasmine!!!

bugsdogs

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Posts: 1,288
 #2 
Kathy,
Oh my, can I relate to your posting. It has been almost 14 months for Chancey and Digby and I have the same feelings that you have talked about here. My feelings of intense pain and grief are with me every minute of each and every day. When they have been such a part of your life you cannot just move on from this pain and live your life like you did before. You are not the same as you were when they were with you.

You have them for so many years and have so many wonderful memories with them, they gave you so much love and devotion; I don't know if there are enough words for what they really give us; that to have them gone just like that is so inconcievable to me. One moment they are with you and the next they are gone, forever. That is what is so hard for me to accept, the forever part.

You were given the best gift when you got your Jasmine and you had the best of everything in true unconditional love. The memories you have with her, and you have so many wonderful ones, just don't seem to be enough to get you through each day. Those memories just make you miss her more. At least that is the way it is for me. I know we will have this pain for a long time or maybe forever for some of us. As you said you have accepted the pain as part of your life now, I think that is part of the whole grieving process, we just learn how to function with that pain as it is a part of us now.

I hope some of this makes sense, it is hard to get all of these feelings out on paper, so to speak, there is so much more that could be said face to face. I just want you to know that I completely understand your feelings. As I have said before, I won't die of a broken heart but I will die with a broken heart. I think that is what most of us have come to accept.

I guess all I can say about the pain and not being able to breathe is that you can find some help here, that is where I come when I can't breathe!!

As always,
Helen
Georgeann

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Posts: 2,245
 #3 
Dearest Kathy:
I understand every word and I could have written your post.  Christopher has been gone for over 14 months and my grief is still so overwhelming.  Christopher was part of me just as Jasmine was part of you.  How is it possible to go on when you have lost your soul?  I have no answers.  Like you my life has changed Forever.  I miss Christopher every moment of every day.  I still cry for him many times every day.  The only peace I have is when I am asleep and sleep is medication induced.  I look into the mirror and do not recognize myself.  As for those around me; they have moved on.  This is the only place I have to come for understanding.  My world has changed Forever and I have accepted the fact I must find a new way to live my life.  I have asked God so many times how he expects me to be normal again.  I just have not gotten any answers.  So for now we must all stay together and find our way down this dark and painful road.   You and Precious Jasmine are in my Prayers.  May God's Angels watch over Jasmine and keep her safe until you arrive. 

Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #4 
Oh Kathy,
It is so hard isnt it.  I still cry and miss all of my babies, and some have been gone for many years.  There paw prints make such a dent in our hearts dont they.  Di xxx
Loudpurring

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Posts: 774
 #5 

You know I still mourn for losses over 30 years ago. I don't think you ever get over" it" when "it" is all you have left to hold. I hope you soon learn to live and love your changed self.

necy12

Registered:
Posts: 493
 #6 
Kathy:

I know exatcly how you feel. Spring is here, and until last weekend I was avoiding yard work, that way I wouldn't have to go to my backyard and see Chiquita's grave. But, I finally did it, but I cried so hard. I still cry every once in a while, but it had been a few months since I cried like that. Her 9th month Bridge anniversary is next week, and her 7th b-day is fast approaching and in 3 months will be her 1 year Bridge anniversary, and the thought of all of that overwhelms me.

I believe we will always have those moments, remember our furbabies were a huge part of our lives, therefore, for the rest of our lives we will have those moments of pain, sadness, and I know I will forever wish I could have my baby girl back.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Annette
Chiquita's Mom
kdclairmo

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Posts: 540
 #7 
Dear Kathy, wow I could have written your post word for word as I feel the same way about the loss of my Peanut.  In a few weeks it will be our one year anniversary without her and lately I have really been feeling bad about it.  I still see her in all of her favorite spots in the house and my heart just breaks because I know I will never hold that sweet girl again. I agree that is is so hard to move on and not feel pain after suffering such an intense loss. The bonds we have with our furbabies are one-of-a-kind and when they are broken by death it leaves an empty part in our soul that they once filled. Yes they are still inside us and we will always have our precious memories of them but it is not the same as having them physically with us to kiss, hold, and to love on.  As you know from all of my previous posts I too struggle daily with the decision we made to put P to sleep: did we do it at the right time, too soon, should we have waited? I know that you have struggled with these questions as well.I think all of us that have had to make that decision have. I know for me as well that that decision will always haunt me as well, wondering if we did right by her.  I do know she was not getting any better, we did watch her on a slow but steady decline and I try to remember that when I feel really guilty. I would have hated myself if I had to watch her scream in agony begging me end it so perhaps we did do it at the right time for her, not for us but for her.  I remember Jasmine's story well and all that you did for her at the end.  You have nothing to feel guilty about either.  Please take care and I do hope that you have a better day today and know we are all here for you.

Hugs
Karen


JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #8 
Dear Karen:

Thank you for your kind words.  I know you understand and miss your Peanut as much as I miss Jasmine.  Thank you too for all that you said about my struggles in having to put Jasmine to sleep.  I know you understand.  Again, thank you for taking time to post a response.  It helps to know I have friends here more than I can say.

Dear Annette:

Again, thanks for all the support.  I know how much you miss your Chiquita and can relate.  Thank you for taking the time from  your own pain to reach out to me.  I really appreciate it.

Dear Loudpurring:

Thanks for the advice.  I am trying to get used to my new self one day at a time.  Don't know if I'll ever love who that is but I am trying.  Thank you for posting.

Dear Basil:

I agree about the pawprints.  Jasmine sure left them on my heart and that is all I think that gets me through some days.  I know just from her influence in my life she'd want me to go on so for her I do.


Dearest Georgeann:

Again, thank you for taking time from your own grief to post a reply.  I know you miss your Christopher and I know what your journey's been.  I think we can relate on so many levels and it always helps to hear you are thinking of me and again praying for both Jasmine and me.  You are a true friend and again, I thank you for all the love and support you always show.


Dearest Helen:

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  I know how much you miss Chancey and Digby and how their loss has so profoundly affected you.  I am so touched that you took the time to post all you did and it helped more than I can say.  I agree too this is the best place in the world to go when having days like I did yesterday and reading all the wonderful responses has indeed helped me breathe easier today.  Take care.

                           Hugs to all my friends, JasminesMom (Kathy)
MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #9 

Dear Kathy, I understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming, like a wave that comes over you.  You go on because you have to but there is always that hole in your life. I too have changed since I lost my beloved Mr. Meowgy. I hate people who don't understand or ask me how I am doing. They don't understand I am not over it! Like you I question everything. Why didn't I have him longer, why was my happiness taken away so soon, so suddenly. I guess we have to just be grateful we had them and their love and the joy for as long as we did. But, I know, it is so hard when it is gone. Jasmine knows how much you love her and I am sure she is still with you, all around you. There is nothing we can do but try to remember the happy times when our lives were "normal". That is the price we all pay for loving our babies so much. I wish you peace and comfort. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom

JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #10 
Donna:

Thank you so much for your post.  I agree that the pain that follows when we lose our babies is because of the great love we have for them.  I wouldn't trade that but at times her loss in my life just seems so overwhelming.  I know you understand and miss your own Mr. Meowgy.  They are just so special aren't they?  Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.  I really appreciate it.

                                 Kathy (JasminesMom)
HerbiesMom

Registered:
Posts: 196
 #11 
I'm having those same "summer" feelings, too.  I miss Herbie so much and he loved this time of year.

I feel so much, yet I also am void of words because words have stopped helping me.  It doesn't change anything.

I know we are all going through the same thing, but I feel alone in this.

Herbie's Mom
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #12 
Hi Kathy

I can relate to what you are saying.  I had a bad moment when I woke up this morning.  Mornings were nice as my Rupert used to go outside to the toilet and then come inside to get in bed with me.  I miss that along with all the other wonderful things he did.  Everyone has moved on but me it seems not me.  Everywhere are reminders of him, his bed, bowl that his sister uses, his photos I have enlarged and put all over the lounge and bedroom. It has been 18 weeks and I feel I can get through the day when people are around but when I am on my own it is so different.  I am a mess.

Some days I wonder whether I really had him or not.  It seems so long ago that I cuddled him.  He was so affectionate and cuddly and I especially miss that.  I dwell on on the things he did all day some days.  I don't think we will ever move on.  Not sure I want to. Might forget him then.  Lost a cat when I was 19 and I still miss her.  They take a large piece of our hearts when they go. I feel like I killed my best friend that day.

All the best Ruperts Mum
JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #13 
Dear HerbiesMom and RupertsMom:

Thank you both for taking time to post a reply for me.  I agree that sometimes I feel alone too but then I remember all the wonderful people I've been blessed to meet here at petloss and I'm grateful for their love and support always.

I agree too about not wanting to move on and not wanting to forget or feeling like having them here was like a dream of some sort for it feels so long ago we held them tight.  I agree no matter how long I live I will always miss my Jazzy Girl.

Thanks again for your support.

                     Hugs to both of you, JasminesMom (Kathy)
choochoo

Registered:
Posts: 115
 #14 
Jasmines mom,
           your feelings are so clear in your words and they are the feelings i am having now.Its only been a little over 6 weeks for me but i feel exactly as you do.I guess ill be having them for a while as my story is similar to yours.you miss your girl so much your stomach hurts,you cry when you see something thats reminds you of her ,you want to hug her one more time.and of course as i still do i wonder if we made the right choice to put our girl to sleep.Its all sad crazy thoughts but they all come because we loved our girls so much.Yes it is like losing the greatest gift you could recieve.I too go around not liking myself alot and emotions just come out of nowhere.I know everyone says their spirit will always be with you but that only helps for a while then the emptiness starts.It seems so unfair to have someone who loves you so much and bonds with you and then is taken away and in our case even worse when we have to give someone else permission to end the life of someone we love so much.You are not alone in these feelings and maybe we will always have them but somehow we have to go on and love again because thats what our girls would want.I totallly feel for you and hope maybe one day we can at least understand these feelings but when you give so much of yourself to someone it is so painful when they are taken from us and the reality sets in that we will not see them again at least on this side of the bridge.There is a nice soothing poem called a dog named Bo done by jimmy stewart on the tonight show about his dog.It helped me to hear it.Go to youtube.com and on search write a dog named bo.it will make you laugh and cry but it sums up our life with our pets.My prayers to you
JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #15 
Dear choochoo:

Thank you for your kind words.  They were spot on.  It helps so much to
know others share alot of the same feelings here and can relate on so many
levels.  I've found this site to have truly saved me.  I don't think if I'd kept
bottled up all that I've been feeling and am still feeling I would still be in this
world.  I loved Jasmine so much and gave so much of myself to her, I don't think I'll ever fully adjust to life here without her.

I agree though too about our girls wanting us to go on and if possible love again.  I am doing just that with the two additions we added to our family since Jasmine's passing.  Our cocker-pom-retriever, Amy is so wonderful and affectionate and always seems to know what I need, much like her older sister did so that definitely helps too.  Also, we rescued and saved our rottie Molly from being put down in October and she too has found a place in my heart and I feel good we were able to save her.

Again, thank you for posting.

                       Hugs to you, JasminesMom
mssavion

Registered:
Posts: 613
 #16 

Dear Kathy, your letter made a lot of sense, we can all identify with the void left in our hearts when we send our precious fur babies to the Rainbow Bridge.  It is not odd, and it is not weird, it is right and understandable to miss them desperately, every day of our lives.   Jasmine was your special soulmate, and no one can take her place.  Even though her physical presence is not visible to you anymore, her little spirit will never leave you, and will always be by your side, protecting you, and loving you, until the day you are reunited.   Hugs from Houston,  Jan

CindyH

Registered:
Posts: 577
 #17 
Oh Kathy...you know I am right there with you.   The timing too, being the same for me as you and it is still deeply hard.    Sometimes I am okay for a time during the day and then it just hits.   Today I was driving home and I don't know why, but I started to cry about her.    God how I miss her terribly.   I am sharing all this with you, as I know it is what you feel about Jasmine.   It is so damn hard and I wish it wasn't.    We were so loved and loved them back so deeply.   You know I am always here if you need a friend.

Lots of love and hugs,

Cindy
Merry's mom
JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #18 
Dear Jan:

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I agree that I will miss Jasmine desperately for the rest of my life and I do feel she is watching over me til we meet again.  I appreciate your kind words so much.


My Dear Friend Cindy:

Thank you for posting.  I've been thinking about you too lately and I know you can relate because as you said we lost our babies around the same time.  Merry was just as special as my Jasmine and I'm glad we have each other and the rest of our pet loss family to help us through.  The same goes here, I'm always available if you need a friend.  Take good care.

                          Hugs to you both, JasminesMom (Kathy)
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