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mw0263

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Posts: 139
 #1 
I had my beautiful golden since she was 8 weeks old.  She was just 6 weeks short of being 15 years old and has been through alot with me.  A divorce, a miscarriage, my sisters sickness (3 times my sister had died on the table but was brought back in a 2 year span), my daughter leaving and going to college (a semester abroad in London and 2 years in Chicago) and the list just goes on.  She was my best friend and I miss her immensley.

The last few years I could see her progressively getting worse.  Having a hard time getting up and down, no long did she jump up on my bed at night or climb the stairs.  She started getting really bad with the arthritis at the beginning of this year.  I had her on arthritis medication and medicine for her seizures.  We discovered a seizure disorder when she was 5 years old so becuase of this medicine I had her blood tested every 6 months to check for an signs of kidney or other organ failure and even the last test (3 months ago) came back just fine.

About 3 weeks ago, she took a turn for the worst on a Saturday and I made an appointment with her vet to put her down the following Monday.  Well she made a recovery and I decided that we would try the laser therapy for her legs.  Well for 3 weeks she was walking better, she tried once unsuccessfully to jump up no my bed and wag her tail which she did do in a long time. I can't express how happy I was that we tried that. 

Anyway, this past Saturday she fell down and could not get up.  She laid there, with me close to her, for about 24 hours.  At first she wouldn't eat or drink but I kept pleading with her so I think she ate some food (very little) to make me happy.  On Sunday morning we got her up and she was walking around but very unsteadily and then fell again where she stayed for the day. 

On Sunday things got worse and I knew I had to put her down.  It seems that she had internal bleeding and with her age and all factors added in, I had no choice.  I know this in my head but my heart feels like I betrayed her.  My best friend, my comet girl, my T and the Mommy's dog ( my nicknames for her).

She was finally at the place where she could bearly lift her head and was no longer giving me kisses (which we both loved).  I gave her some benadryl to take the edge off because I know that she hated going in the car to the vet so this did help alot.  The whole thing was actually very peaceful and was probably the best of a really bad situation.

Now I'm left without her and can't seem to even think about anything else.  I think I hear her, I wake up at 6 in the morning to feed her and let her out.  I just miss her so terribley and feel so guilty about having to make the choice to put her down.  I hope she forgives me for doing that to her but I just couldn't see her suffer anymore.  Now, it's only me suffering and I can handle that (I hope).

When I said good-bye, I told her that she will always be in my heart as long as it beats and that she would come home to me and stay with me until the day they bury me and on that day she'll be taken from our home and put in my casket with me.   I just hope this horrible pain becomes more manageable as time goes on.

Thank you all for letting write this whole thing out and putting in down on paper.
HelenY

Registered:
Posts: 1,415
 #2 
mw-- I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful golden.  I have tears in my eyes from reading your sorrowful story.  I'm reliving the tragedy of my little Teddy girl as I know the feeling of watching them try so hard to stay with us yet being so weak and unable to go on.
    I just hope that you will begin to heal and think of her with happy thoughts.  I've been trying to do the same, but it's very hard because we miss them so.  I still cry for her every day and it's been almost 7 months since she's been gone.
    You will be in my prayers, and please show us a picture of your precious girl.

                             Many hugs---Teddy's Mom


              
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #3 
Dear  mw0263


Your pain starts after they pass.  I lost Rupert in January and reading these threads still brings me to tears.  It has been 17 weeks and I get through the days but February was soooo hard.  I couldn't eat, sleep or function.  The only thing I got out of bed for was to take my kids to school.  If not for them  I would have stayed in bed.  I have started to move on but I miss him all the time.  It was 15 years of my life.

I had to pts and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  I had nightmares about it.  The guilt ate me up for so long, even now, but he was dying before my eyes and my husband was a mess and he couldn't do it.  I know it was the right thing to do but I was brought up to love and care for animals and this goes against what I believed. 

Thinking of you.  You have done the right thing.  Your friend is not in any pain right now and hopefully we will see them on the Rainbow Bridge.
Ruperts Mum  
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #4 
Dear mw,

I send my deepest sympathy to you - losing a Beloved One is devastating, and more so when you had to make the decision to release your precious Golden Girl.  I have not gotten over the helpless and agonizing feeling when I knew my Boxer Boy, Grunt had to be freed from his suffering.  So, I know your pain.

She was a brave girl.  It is so hard when you see they are trying to stay and want to stay but their poor bodies just can't handle it anymore.  Love shared, a wonderful life together, she is a blessing and a gift and that lasts forever.

Hugs,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever
mw0263

Registered:
Posts: 139
 #5 
Thank you all so much for your replies.  It sure helps to know that there are others out there that have gone through the same feelings and thoughts.  I am new to this site  but have found it to be very comforting.  I hope that in the future my sadness can help someone else, I know that my girl would have wanted it that way.  She always strived to make people happy.  Anyway, this is a wonderful place even though it has a lot of pain.  Bonding with people that feel the same way about their animals is a great feeling.  Sometimes I thought that most people thought of animals (in my case dog) as just an animal (dog) and it should not be too difficult to get over these feelings.  I sure my glad that I found all of you.  I absoultely love that you said "Love shared, a wonderful life together, she is a blessing and a gift and that lasts forever".  How wonderful is that because it is so true.

Thanks again and I can't figure out how to put my girl's picture on this site so if you can help with that I would appreciate it.



 

 

kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #6 
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved golden, my heart broke reading your post because I really know what you are going thru and the loss you feel as I am still going thru it myself and it has almost been a year since we had to put our 17 year old beagle Peanut to sleep. She, like your golden really got me thru some rough times in my life and everything always looked a little brighter because I she was always curled up next to me and needed me to take care of her.  It is truly amazing the soulful connections that we make with our animals and it is a love like none other, you can't even describe it in words because it is so beautfiul and one-of-a-kind. You have to know in your heart that you made the best decision for her..to free her from her pain and old age.  Peanut was old too and had horrible arthitus and was not getting any better. She also had a lung mass, kidney problems and we had to carry her up and down the stairs and really provide her with special round the clock care. I still feel guilty for doing it when we did thinking maybe we should have waited a bit but others on this site have told me the outcome still would have been the same and she probably would have just suffered more than she already had and it would have been selfish of me.  Those precious babies give so much of themselves to us and rely on us to take care of them and unfortunately one of our tasks as their caregiver is to make the decision when we need to let them go, to end their pain, because in most cases as much as we want them to they don't just pass peacefully in their sleep. Plus they hang on so hard because all they want is to be with us, it is oftentimes very diffifult to really know how much they are suffering. We do the best we can with what we see them doing, etc. Your golden girl held on because she loved you sooo much, her body just couldn't do it anymore. She knew you loved her and she doesn't blame you for anything. You didn't take anything away from her..you gave her a beautfiul gift, the gift of eternal life. She is happy and free and healthy again with all of our furbabies up there to play with and keep her company. She will always be a part of you, she is tightly in your soul and will be there forever.  These first few weeks really are the hardest. I remember the morning after we put P to sleep, I was in my office working from home and I heard her collar tags jingle. She always did that in the morning to tell us she was ready to go potty because she couldn't jump down off the bed anymore and I heard it as clear as a bell.  I got up because for a split second I forgot she was gone and it just killed me.  I went in the bedroom anyway why I don't know and there was my other dog Baby laying on the floor but we don't keep a collar on her indoors because she always used to shake it and wake up our twins.  So it wasn't her, it was bizarre. I think because they are so much a part of our daily lives that we do expect them to still be there and it is hard when we realize they aren't. P never made much noise but boy the house seemed so quiet when she was gone. Please take care and come here as often as you like. The people here are wonderful souls and have gotten me thru the last several months.


Hugs
Karen

JerryC

Registered:
Posts: 1,569
 #7 

Sorry for your loss I too had to do what you did. A week ago yesterday I helped Peaches to the bridge she was 16 year old Chihuahua. What you told her was so true, they live on in our hearts for ever. God Bless you. You did the right thing There is a space on the home page of this message board that explains how to post a photo.

mssavion

Registered:
Posts: 613
 #8 

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved golden.  Golden's have a special place in my heart, as I was privileged to be the mommy of a precious golden girl for 12 years, my Nike left for the Rainbow Bridge 10 months ago today.  Take one day at a time, and don't let anyone rush your mourning.  You have suffered a devastating loss, and need time to grieve.   I feel your pain, and wish you comfort and peace in the weeks ahead.  Hugs from Houston, MsSavion

 

10 months ago today I held you for the last time. God Bless you precious little doe, I miss and love you so much.  x00x0x0x0x0    Mommy

Sandy

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #9 

I am so sorry for your loss.  We just lost our German Shepard Sunday. It was sudden and she was 8. I am so glad we did not have to go thru the process of putting her to sleep. I cannot imagine how hurtful that must be. Our dog died suddenly without warning, but, that did not make it any easier. We just thought we would have a little more time with her. I hope you will find comfort in reading all these posts from people just like us who are greiving.

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