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paul1968

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Posts: 15
 #1 
I came on here almost 2 years ago when I lost my female Olde English Bulldog Lizzie and found great comfort here. Well 2 days ago I lost  her half brother Monty who I got 6 months prior to Lizzie. I got Monty 9 years ago when I was at a real low point in my life and we did so much together and he got me through some rough times. I am absolutely heartbroken that I came home from the gym that morning and found Monty just laying on the floor still alive. He was truly the most loyal pet I have even had. He was just at the vets the week before and the vet said he looked and sounded great. Other than a blood test for heart worm I declined any lab work for a senior dog and then 6 days later he passes. Unlike Lizzie who had passed by my back gate where she waited for me every day I truly believe Monty waited for me to get home for one last goodbye. I didn't think much in the morning when he didn't want a treat because if I did I would have brought him to the vet hospital immediately. I came home 2 hours later and he was laying on the floor still alive but he went to the bathroom on the floor. I opened the slider and went to get something to pick up his mess and he went outside to pee. He tried to come back in but was a little wobbly and fell face first on the step which broke my heart. I picked him up brought him in and within 2 minutes passed away in front of me. I wish I was holding my best buddy when he passed and that is killing me. We did so much together and wanted to bring him to the new cabin I'm building to run around the property to mark his territory. I just hope because I didn't do senior lab work I was responsible for him passing. I am heartbroken and I couldn't have a necropsy done on my best friend.
Biscuits_mom

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Posts: 13
 #2 
I am so very sorry for your loss.  Monty sounds like a wonderful dog, and he was lucky to have you in his life.  

It sounds like he may have passed from Hemangiosarcoma.  It's a nasty cancer that progresses rapidly, and very often we don't know that our dogs are affected until it is too late.  My own dog passed suddenly in a similar fashion.  I had no warning, and there were no symptoms.  

The reason I am writing this is because you should know that there is likely nothing that you could have done, and nothing you would have learned by having run the senior blood work.  I had senior blood panels done at an annual checkup a month before my Biscuit passed.  It was totally normal, and her vet gave her a clean bill of health.  Her blood work was still normal even when we rushed her to the vet hospital after she collapsed!  An ultrasound was the only indication that she was suffering from HSA.  There is no effective treatment for this cancer, and even if you do surgery and chemotherapy you would buy your dog a few weeks to a few months at best, and much of that time the dog is recovering.  There are often no good options or symptoms for diseases that take our pets suddenly.

Take care of yourself, and don't let the guilt grab you.  It's a natural part of grieving, but it can be so destructive.  


paul1968

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Posts: 15
 #3 
Thank you so much for responding. In the last month there were 2 times that he didn't eat his meal when I gave to him but within an hour or so he ate and that was brought up to the vet but she didn't seemed to concerned. He never seemed to be in any pain as a matter of fact on Sunday he was out in the yard running around like a puppy. Was able to jump on my bed and jump off. Nothing ever gave me a sign he had something wrong or in any pain. I have 2 other dogs and he played with them when he wanted. He really liked his alone time in his crate with no door and a lot of bedding and laying in the sun. He was most happy when I was here even if we were just sitting in the yard. Thanks for making me feel I did nothing wrong
Biscuits_mom

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Posts: 13
 #4 
I know exactly what you are going through.  My dog (Biscuit) was as lively as usual right up until the moment of her collapse.  She ate normally, ran around normally, and we didn't have a clue that she was sick.  She ate her dinner that night, then a few hours later woke up from sleeping, tried to throw up, then collapsed and lost control of her bladder.  Her death was very sudden.

The suddenness makes this hard to reconcile.  A month has gone by and I'm still confused.  I miss her so much. 


paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #5 
I just want to say that I'm very sorry for your loss as well. I live here with my son and sometimes I come home and my pets are all I have. I still have 2 others but nothing will ever replace Monty EVER. I truly hope to believe there is a rainbow bridge and he playing with his sister Lizzie. They were so close. I also hope someday I will meet up with every pet I have ever had to at least see them one more time. Crazy I know its only a pet but everyone I ever had was special in their own way. Of all my pets he needed me the most. The look in his eyes when I walked the door from work or a vacation were priceless. Like he was worried I left him for ever but I came back. 
Kittenpants

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Posts: 4
 #6 
You did nothing wrong! You cared for Monty and he knew it. Even if you had done a blood panel, there is no guarantee that something would have showed. It's so hard when we lose a beloved pet- I just wanted to respond and let you know you are not alone.
paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #7 
I just want to say thank you for the kind words and reassuring me that I did nothing wrong. I know its gonna take time but what happened that morning I will never forget. I hope he is in a better place, safe and he never has to worry where I am and when I will be back home. 
BrooklynDogMom

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #8 
Paul, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Monte.  He sounds like he was such an amazing best friend and companion.
Please do not feel guilty about anything.  I just recently had to put to sleep my best friend and companion Bella.  She was a senior with a lot of health problems and I did everything, I mean everything, to prolong her life.  Let me tell you after 5 weeks of medical intervention I regret all of it.  I wish I had let her live out her life until it was her time to go, and then put her down.  I did a costly surgery that she just barely survived, followed by 5 days in the ICU where she caught pneumonia and had a terrible flare up of pancreatitis, which almost took her.  When I brought her home she was in terrible shape and needed a lot of round the clock care which luckily my mother flew out here to help me.  She slowly improved and had I would say about 2 weeks of feeling "normal-ish" until this Thursday night when things went south very quickly and I had to put her to sleep.  So all that time and effort (and maxing out my credit cards) for poor quality of life.  I felt bad for her.
I think we all feel regret no matter what we do or don't do.  And the reason we feel that way is just because we LOVE them so much and would move heaven and earth to keep them healthy and alive for as long as possible.
It was Monte's time to go.  You gave so much to him and he gave you SO much in return.  There really was probably nothing else you could do in order to extend his life and keep up his quality of life at that age.  Please don't beat yourself up on this, just focus on your love and mourn how you need to mourn.  I am thinking of you.
paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #9 
Again Brooklyndogmom thank you so much for the kind words. I also want to say I'm sorry for your loss as well. I have done in the past what you have done and tried everything to keep my pet alive. I can only hope it was his time and nothing else . I will never know and like I said in previous posts it was all so sudden and had no idea. One way or another I hope he is it at pea
ce. In time the hurt will go away but the memories will still be there good and bad but I will try to focus on the good times we had. A friend told me he was put into my life for a reason, he did his job and got me through the rough patch and now he was tired and knew I would be ok and passed on. I will miss him and our walks on the beach. But I will remember them for ever
Kittenpants

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #10 
Just as an aside, when I took my Maxine in to her vet, I knew in my heart she was dying. They asked to do a blood panel and I consented- we went over all the numbers and ON PAPER there seemed to be nothing too out of sorts- only 1 number was elevated (her renal number) and ON PAPER perhaps a person might have thought "oh, lets do medical treatment." Her blood counts were good, lungs healthy, every number except one was slightly elevated.
However, my wonderful vet decided to do an X-ray (no charge, he just wanted to have complete info- which I will always be grateful for) and there was a very large mass in her abdomen. That info, combined with her age and swift decline in quality of life helped me make the difficult decision.
All this is to say that you should not feel guilty for not doing the blood panel. We did it (several hundred dollars) and it showed nothing. Yet, she was clearly dying. Sometimes things don't make sense. I still think about that blood panel and if it should have pointed me in the right direction for treatment- but it's just punishing myself and me trying to find a reason for the loss of my kitty to make sense. All the doctors at her vet office were in complete agreement- euthanasia was the absolute right thing to do for her. It was really, my last act of love for her. Saying, I am willing to be in pain (over losing you) rather than have you suffer or feel pain. It really is the ultimate act of love from us.
Sending you healing thoughts!! We will never forget, but hopefully it will hurt less with some time.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #11 
Dear paul1968,
First of all I'm so sorry for both of your babies passing!
You got some good advices on here and not sure if I could add anything new to it.

I have read many times that furbabies don't want their humans to see them suffer, so then many of us don't see the signs until it's too late. Also read it often that at the vet's visit everything looks fine, but not long after everything goes bad. 

My doggie had cancer and was told he has about 2 month to live, maybe 6. We sure tried many options to keep him alive, but we choose the more natural way, instead of chemo and such. He lived 11 month after that vet's visit.

I'm trying to believe that it's really up to our furbabies when it's time to go, and even tho we try our bests, at some point we lose. And it's heart wrecking at that point, no matter what we do or don't, just like BrooklynDogMom has mentioned: "I think we all feel regret no matter what we do or don't do."  I've been reading lots of posts since my baby boy passed, and realizing it's true. 

You've mentioned that you wish you were holding your best buddy when he passed and that is killing you. I know this doesn't help much or any, and I sure know the feeling, but you were at least near him when he passed..
When we had to put our baby to sleep, I couldn't even be there to support him and hold him, because I was a wreck emotionally, couldn't stop crying and it was heart wrecking to even think about the fact that he will be gone.. Makes me cry just to write about this.. Dang it, and I don't wanna cry anymore.. 
I don't mean to sound like I dismiss your guilt/feeling of not holding him, but I'm trying to say that "we do the best we can at the time". I don't really like this quote, but heard it many times ijn the past, and I guess in some cases it's actually true. 

I like your quote: "In time the hurt will go away but the memories will still be there good and bad but I will try to focus on the good times we had."

I want to try to focus on the good times and not on his last few days of struggling and seeing him dying, but it's still challenging to me. Today marks 3 month when he passed, and I truly want and need to focus on the happy times and the unconditional love we had for each other.

Thanks for reading.
I hope you can be strong to take care of your self and your two other babies who needs your love!

I like what your friend said: "he was put into my life for a reason, he did his job and got me through the rough patch and now he was tired and knew I would be ok and passed on" even tho I understand how hard it is to lose them!

Blessings
💖 Lizzie 🐾 Monty 💖
paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #12 
Heartbroken and Kittenpants thank you sooo much for the kind words. Its people like you and everyone on this site that help us all get thru these awful times.. Thank you all. I feel better knowing each day will get a little easier
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #13 
Dear paul1968,
I much appreciate your words, can't tell you how much it means! When I get feedbacks like yours, it surely makes it even more worth it to try support others. I mean it's always nice to know my words can help someone.
Blessings to you ⚘
seattlestown

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #14 
Paul...my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your best friend. A dog is not “just a pet”. They are sweet angels full of love sent to us by God to help rescue our hearts during all sorts of life difficulty. I lost my soul mate, my heart dog, my spirit angel....this past Friday. She would have been 9 in January. It was the horrible ravaging Hemangiosarcoma. I had no idea. There were a few issues this year with what I thought was arthritis being aggrevated by running and playing. The vet suggested supplements.
Fast forward to the fall... She ran after geese and...what I thought was the same injury aggrevated. Her abdomen was in pain (hindsight). Vet check done again. Blood work showed a bit higher white blood cell count & slight low blood pressure. All other tests were ok. Her eye showed a blood clot which at the time I thought maybe she hit her face in a branch outside. But vet did eye tests and no surface injury could be spotted. And we checked 3 bumps that seemed to come over a 2 month period over the summer. Thought maybe just harmless cysts. So they did aspirations to send for tests. Test showed more blood filled masses than regular cyst findings. So surgery was recommended. I found 2 more bumps...and during surgery the vet found another by her bum. Those tests took almost a week. And my baby had 6 large incisions and stitches where the masses were removed. 5 days later she needed a restitch on one incisions as she wiggled out of her cone through the night and bit a few off. Oh my gosh I was so upset at this point. And she was suffering. And on meds etc to help her but traumatized me as it was tough to administer down the back of her throat. She hated pills... And of course antibiotics and liquid anti-inflammatory meds. Then the dreaded call a couple days after... She had the worst form of cancer a pup could get. Hemangiosarcoma. So fast. More bumps were surfacing the following week as well... So the week after she had stitch removal and continuing meds. The week after that...the rest of the stitches removed. Then the last week stronger meds and prednisone to help with swelling, eating and drinking... We were literally in bed together 24/7 for a month outside of potty breaks and the vet checks. I did manage a few short walks & one last trip to the park....but I could see how slow she was getting. Then the last 2 days...no excitement at her favourite words....car ride, walk, park.... The whole last 3 weeks she would only take to hand feeding and certain meats etc. She didn’t eat her fave treats as by then a mouth tumour on her gums caused pain with crunchy chews cookies and treats. The second last day she did not move as much and by night time would not eat. Her gums bum ears and lips were so white. The colour was draining. The last day her breathing was shallow & faster. Her bum was a bluish white. Her nose was so dry. And she wouldn’t eat. By 1pm that day she came down for her last potty break. Then a huge vomit. I called the vet tech. My baby began to look unsteady on her feet. I had to carry her upstairs to bed and she flinched quite a bit like her chest was in pain. I got her resting comfortably. Kept her warm again under the covers. Laid with her... 4 hrs later the vet tech called. She was given the update. Arrangements were made for her to come see my baby here at home. It was time. The vet tech confirmed very laboured breathing and dropping blood pressure. Seattle could no longer stand on her own. She was surrounded by her toys treats and fave things in our bed. With lots of pillows & fuzzy warm blankets. I was in shock. That night was time for her to go Home. My heart was & is broken. She was my everything. My rescuer. My sweet baby. My only child. After retiring early unexpectedly in mid 2011...she was with me 24/7 practically. My house feels incredibly empty now. I am still in shock. At times through the day it hits me hard. It will take years to grieve... I miss her terribly.
Sounds like your baby had this horrible terminal cancer. The worst and most uncommon form in dogs that sweeps through their sweet bodies lightning fast. With no warning. No obvious symptoms. No signs screaming out after initial & very expensive sequence of vet tests. I maxed my credit cards. Over $5000. And the horrible surgery she endured which likely aggrevated the tumours more & made them progress faster. The last X-ray showed tons of masses throughout her body. All around her organs. By the end....they stop eating. They cannot stand & collapse. Their lungs are very laboured. And the tumours can put pressure around the heart as well. There is no cure. It destroys the body quickly.
I hate that it happened. I know how you feel. I want my baby back. I feel like I was robbed the last 4 or 5 years I should have had during a healthy life span. I am in shock. I am numb. And I will be for a long time.
She was one of the special ones. I was so blessed to have her. She was the best life gift ever. She carried me through so much.
I hope you find peace in knowing that it was likely this invisible raging cancer that over took your sweet boy. I felt so helpless. How do you go on when God calls your baby Home too early. I have to find comfort someday to know she is no longer suffering.
Hugs xo 🐾🐶🐾❤️🙏🏻
paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #15 
Dear Seatlestown I am so very sorry for your loss as well. I know exactly how you feel I cannot believe he is gone. It is so quiet here without all his snoring when he would nap or sleep. Monty was second dog to pass at home but as my son and I talked he said he gave me the respect for me to see him one last time before he passed. Like I had said before his half sister Lizzie passed waiting for me at the back gate where she greeted me every day and that killed me. I wish I had some answers on how either had passed but it wouldn't bring them back and I could not have them cut up to find out possibly why. Today is 3 weeks he is gone and I still think he is here. I wake up at night and listen for his snoring. Its all seems like a bad dream. I truly am an animal lover and I'm in the business where I deal with people everyday and its a welcome sight to come home to a pet and their unconditional love. Hang in there please that's all we can do. Each day that passes does get a little easier but there is times of weakness. I try to think of our walks on the beach and how he looked at me knowing I was his dad. 
DogDaddy

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #16 
Paul, your story was a good reminder that, though the death of our pet is traumatic, we are so very lucky to be able to hold them when they pass. I just think of how nice it would be to be wrapped up in the arms of the person I love the most when I pass on. I know it doesn't help because I was holding my sweet JayJay when he was euthanized yesterday...it's easy to get trapped in thinking about it from our own perspective, but I think it often helps to try and think of what they are experiencing. 

Stay strong. 

Alan
paul1968

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #17 
Alan thank you for reaching out and I'm so sorry to hear about JayJay. I was steps away from holding my buddy when he passed. After he fell on the steps from coming in from outside after knowing enough to go outside to do his business one last time I picked him up and carried him inside. I went to the kitchen to get something and when I turned back his eyes started to glaze over and by the time I got to him he had passed. I did hold him the second I got to him but it was to late. The comfort I do have I was right there. 
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