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mybestfriendDookie

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Posts: 5
 #1 
I took my boy in for his routine check-up, only this time I decided to have his teeth cleaned.  The vet said his little heart couldn't take the sedative and he died.  

He was perfectly healthy, still full of pep and energy, ate and exercised regularly, no signs whatsoever of a weak heart or sickness.

I want to believe he was given an overdose from the vet but I can't prove it, and even if it was negligence it doesn't matter because my loyal, faithful companion is gone.  My best fried Dookie is dead and I am absolutely devastated.

He died on Tuesday and it just seems like the pain gets worse every day.  I can't eat, I wake up every hour to his barking, I call his name and he doesn't come.  I keep looking over to his favorite spot on the couch and he's not there.  I don't even want to be in this house anymore because everywhere I turn I'm reminded of my boy.

I can't take this pain.  I am in complete agony and I don't know what to do.  I miss him so much.  He was my life and now he's gone forever.

My heart is bleeding sorrow for my boy...
Krigs

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Posts: 5
 #2 
I'm so sorry for your loss, please know that you are not alone in your grief, our baby Lois passed on Wednesday and I feel the same the whole house is too quiet and empty. Coming here, reading people's stories has helped me realize others loved their pets as I do. Please take care and know we are sharing your sadness
mybestfriendDookie

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Posts: 5
 #3 
Thank you Krigs, and my heart goes out to you/yours for your loss as well... 

I never imagined I could ever experience a pain as deep as what I'm experiencing.  At least if I knew he was sick, or it was 'his time' I could have said goodbye.  But not having the opportunity to do so, especially knowing my boy was healthy and energetic, that's the truly agonizing part about it.

They say time heals all wounds...  well, it's been 3+ days and my wounds just seem to be getting deeper.


Eriksfurrbabies

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Posts: 24
 #4 
Sorry for your loss,

It must be terrible to lose a companion like that, but what you are going through is something we all feel and know. You are not alone and if you need to have a shoulder to cry on we are here.

I can only say how I dealt with the worst pain of it, so if it can be a help to you I would be happy.

Allow the pain and sadness to run freely and fully. Don't try to shut it down by thinking it is silly or such because it is not. It is completely normal and often goes deeper than when we lose a human. You will have many new firsts, firsts of things you used to do with Dookie. Don't try to evade those things but confront yourself and allow the tears to run freely. Crying is a way we humans deal with grief, it is a good thing to allow those tears to roll.

I couldn't eat for a few days, but I forced myself to eat a bit of fruit. Eventually my stomach allowed for some more food.

I learned through my many years of being hurt that the best way for me is to allow the pain and sadness to run its course. But even 4 weeks later I still cry at times, and I am sure that for a long time to come I will still do. Gradually things will become more normal again, and slowly but steadily you will be able to give that pain and sadness a place that does not overwhelm you.

Stay strong and know we are here if you want to talk. Write Dookie's story, it helped me to just write to Nani.
treat_treat

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #5 
I know exactly how you feel.  I look at all the spots my Peanut layed and it breaks my heart everyday.
Mimi23

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Posts: 5
 #6 
I am so sorry for your loss. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve. You can’t keep those feelings bottle up inside. Monday it will be 2 weeks since I lost my 14 yr old greyhound. I cried everyday that first week, and I still tear up when I think about her. It’s a devastating loss, but it will get better...
mybestfriendDookie

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 
Thank you all so much for your words of support and kindness...  I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me, and I am sorry that I don't have the strength to reciprocate because it's clear you folks are suffering from your loss as well.

I am sorry for being selfish in that regard, for what it's worth.

This is Day 5 of my torment and I wish I could say it's getting better but the truth is it's not.  I have not eaten since it happened, and instead I have turned to alcohol to help numb the pain, but still, everywhere I turn in the house there is my Dookie.

Only no.  

Sadly, my wife of 15 years, who is supposed to be there for me, has now started calling me ridiculous for allowing this loss to impact me to such a degree.  I had to leave.  I got a hotel room last night and will likely stay through the weekend, but what's going to happen when I go back home, walk in the door, and my best buddy isn't there to greet me as he's been everyday for the past 12 years??

Any recovery I make these next couple days will just be tossed out the window, and I will again be reduced to a blubbering mess of a man.

...  and how do I face my wife NOW, knowing that she feels my pain and emotions are ridiculous???

I am more lost, confused and full of pain than I was yesterday, and I know alcohol or drugs isn't the answer...  but what's my alternative?  

I don't know what to do or where to turn.  

My sister has been very supportive, but she lives 1500 miles away.  I feel lost and alone...  and it's during these moments in the past when my Dookie was right there by my side offering his unconditional love and compassion.

Now he is gone, and my pain continues...

cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 500
 #8 
Dearest Dookie's dad,
It's awful when those closest to us "Don't get it". I lost my beloved Termy  21 months ago and I still grieve deeply. I'm guessing your wife isn't as connected to a pet as you are. Sometimes the ones we think will support us and understand can't be there for us, sadly sometimes we find ourselves facing our deepest loss alone. You're right, turning to artificial means won't bring them back. I was suicidal for about 6  months after letting Termy go and no one but the friends I made here understood. They become our life lines and our reason for joy and happiness. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you have to be strong and act tough. My friend Keith, that I met here on Pet Loss hurt as deeply as you. We made a thread here (MissB") under another category which you are welcome to join. You don't have to apologize, when your ready you to will want to be there for others to offer comfort and support. Just not now and your not being selfish! You are hurting right now and because of your grief, all your thoughts remain with Dookie.
As for facing your wife now, that will be up to you and her. I know my relationship with my hubby hasn't been the same since I lost Termy but I have learned to accept the coolness from him. Leaving may have helped you clear your thoughts but you need to face her sooner or later. I wish you my best. There are those among us that have never given their hearts to a pet and thusly their soul remains un-awaken. You have every right to grieve and hurt, for when our Dookie's and Termy's leave they take a big piece of our hearts with them. Be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need to grieve. Only you can know when to take another step in this new normal that you are going to live. Remember the journey and smile through your tears.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
mybestfriendDookie

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #9 
Thank you Termy's mom...  

The wife an I are okay now, she understands my agony and has been much more supportive; however now I am afraid my agonizing heartache is starting to be replaced with anger and guilt because I am certain Dookie did not die from a bad heart.  Rather, he suffered a stroke from being so stressed out... I know this for a fact because he always fought the Vets terribly. All his life he got unbelievably stressed out at the Vet, and for the last 4-5 years either my wife or me would stay with him for a while after the sedative was given (we had to get him knocked out every year to get his nails cut, and physical exam because he would not allow the Vets to touch him AND putting a muzzle on him only stressed him out more). So one of us was "there" with him until he was fully under, so as to ease his stress.

I didn't do that this time. Instead, I had pressing issues to address with our business so I left right away.

Now I can't escape the feeling of guilt... had I stayed with him until he was fully under my boy would still be alive!!!!! I let my best friend down. He depended on me and he was stressing out, and I wasn't there for him. 

Now he is gone, and I feel worse now than ever. 

I hate life.


cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 500
 #10 
Dookie's dad,

I'm glad that you are being supported. We need those closest to us to be there even if they don'y truly understand. Please let go of the guilt. It isn't honoring Dookie in any way. Dookie loved you and understood that life sometimes gets in the way. We always do what we think is best at the time, we are only human. Poor Dookie and poor you for feeling you left him down. You didn't!!!!! There was a lot of things that could have happened, especially with being sedated. Would you have felt better if he passed after being sedated. No, you still would have felt just as bad. You were a great dad and Dookie knew that. You didn't let him down, you were just doing LIFE. The what if's and the should have's will eat us alive, we need to put them to rest. I lost my sweet Termy over 21 months ago and I still have those thoughts that I should and maybe I could have but I knew I did the best I could have at the time. Termy loves me and everyday I try to honor him by remembering the journey that we shared for over 16  years. I want to continue to live my life as Termy taught me. Please, if it sounds as if I am scolding you, I'm really not but I've been where you are now and it doesn't help. Be gentle with yourself and let the guilt go. Dookie would want this.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
mybestfriendDookie

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #11 
Thank you again, Termy's mom.

I truly appreciate your words of support, but I'm sorry to say that I still struggle mightily because in my heart of hearts, deep down inside I am convinced that I could have prevented his death.

Yes, I know if Dookie could speak to me now he'd tell me that he knows I would never do anything to hurt him, and that he forgives me instantly for any forgetfulness I may have showed.

But the truth is, it's myself that I still struggle to forgive...  I simply do not know how to let the guilt go; however I will say the 'triggers' are coming a little less often with each passing day, so perhaps that's a start.

Still agonizing though...

SpookyWolfe

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 594
 #12 
I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the shock and trauma of losing a pet so unexpectedly. I lost my toy poodle Spooky during a routine grooming. She was just a year and a half old. It was a surreal moment when I picked her up and was told she was dead. It took me a very long time to recover and 17 years later I still get tears in my eyes thinking about it. She was so important to me and we should have had many more years together. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know if I hadn’t taken her that day, she would not have died.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve. We never “get over it” but in time we do get through it.
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