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Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #1 
Sunday night I sat down for dinner with my pup as usual..we always ate together. Minutes after he cleaned his bowl he ran to the back door. I let him out and figured he needed to throw up...he would let me know when it was urgent. I watched out the kitchen window as his tail and ears dropped and he dropped onto his belly in the middle of the yard. I knew there was a problem. I ran into the yard picked him up and ran through the house and put him into the back seat of my truck..the same spot where he rode with me every day. We got to the vet and being the champion he was, he walked right in.
His stomach had twisted. A surgeon was on her way to perform an emergency procedure. His heart was struggling and his kidney levels were off. I don't know if it was from the trauma or if he had issues I wasn't aware of. I gave him the best of everything but who knows? The doc said he would be there a few days for observation and the surgery would take a couple of hours. I drove home, giving him a goodbye kiss before I left. He gave me a little tail wag in return. I got home and 20 minutes later the phone rang. His heart stopped and they were doing CPR. I drove back and about 30 minutes later they wheeled my boy into the room on a table,covered with a towel. He was gone. My Little Man was just 7 years old.
He was my guardian angel. A gift from the heavens, a miracle. He showed up at the lowest point of my life. I was in the throws of alcoholism..drinking myself to death. I suffered ptsd from over 10 years of service in the fire Department. Panic attacks, nightmares, broken relationships and a trip to rehab..he was there through it all.
I got back from rehab 2 years ago. Every day he woke me up and ran to the door..walkies time! We'd go to the lake and park, grocery store, target, run through the neighborhood..anywhere and everywhere. Back home he got a treat while I ate breakfast. I would do yoga and meditate..he would lay right outside the door. I showered and walked out to see his big furry body waiting outside the door. Naps, meals, tv time..anywhere I went he was next to me.
I'm crushed. He's not here anymore . I keep looking around corners, behind chairs and under the table. I look in the back yard and his favorite spot, the front door where he could watch the whole neighborhood. Mornings are the worst. He's not outside my door anymore. I hung his leash and collar up for the last time. I don't know what to do when the sun rises now, God I miss my friend. Every tree he peed on, every patch of grass he scraped with his big paws..the park, the lake, every store I came out of to see his big bear head bouncing in the windshield...all memories of the places me and my partner would go every day.
He drove across country with me twice..lived with me in San Diego. Beaches, mountains, hikes twice a day and just as many car rides. So many stories, so many memories...impossible to put into words. No kids, no wife..it was just me and my soul partner.
I have a guru. I'm into mysticism, reincarnation, soul journeys...i get it. I know whatever his life is goes on. But my house is as empty as my heart right now. He left too soon and I'm devastated. I don't know where he went or why he chose this time but I miss him being here so much. I cry over his box of ashes..that's all I have left. The tears aren't stopping anytime soon. I'm in survival mode. He is an Akita and he did his job with honor and supreme loyalty. He was my best friend, my angel and he was MY Akita. Anyone familiar with the breed knows what I mean. I miss you so much Little Man...
KatKat

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 #2 
Akitas are such beautiful, loyal animals.  I have been the owner of one in the past and she was amazing. If I remember correctly, Helen Keller had an Akita and referred to her beloved pet as "my angel in fur."  I'm sorry for what you are going through right now.    Feeling devastated is understandable, our pets are such an important part of our lives.  You both added to each other's lives.  I hope letting you know that it matters to me that you are hurting and I understand because I have grieved over my pets many times brings some comfort.
DanC

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Posts: 27
 #3 
I’m so sorry for your loss. Everyone in this forum understands the pain you are in. I had to euthanize both of cats in the last little while. The house feel empty without them. One of them was extremely affectionate and we miss that affection. The only advice I can provide is don’t fight the grief, process what you are feeling. Cry as much as you need, talk your beloved dog, just go with the flow. The grieving process is not linear but more likes waves. Just as you start feeling a little bit better you will be hit by a wave. That is totally normal. You probably feel more than one emotion simultaneously, and that is normal as well. Once again, so sorry for your loss.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #4 
Hi there. Yes, she did indeed choose an Akita to be her service dog. I really appreciate your response and I want to thank everyone here for sharing. The only thing worse then the pain of losing my boy is the thought that I'm all alone now. I don't really know what this life is but we are all in this together.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #5 
Hi. Indeed she did choose an Akita as her service dog. Having had 3, I can understand why. I want to thank you for your Reilly and thank everyone for sharing their story. The only thing mire painful then the loss is the thought that I'm all alone. I don't know what this world is but we are all in it together.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #6 
Hi. Indeed she did choose an Akita to be her service dog. Having had 3 of my own I'm not surprised. I want to thank you for your response and for everyone who shared their story with me. The only thing worse then the loss of my boy is the pain of thinking I'm all alone.
KatKat

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 #7 
You are not alone.  
cosesmom

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 #8 
You are never alone, all of us here has experienced a loss of our beloved fur babies. It hurts to the deepest level of pain. I feel you heart ache and pain. Once in our lives we get to share life with our heart dogs and is we are lucky we may share our lives with another. But there is nothing that compares to a Heart Dog. I feel love in every word you wrote. Remember you loved deeply and were loved in return. No matter when we loss them, weather it be old age, accident or something completely unexpected. It just hurts!!!!
I lost my heart dog over 19 months ago and I miss him every single day. I still shed tears for him. I am starting to remember him and the journey we shared. Like you, the paths we walked, the trees he marked, etc brings a smile to my eyes and I say to him I love you Termy. Old age took him from me. Even though he was just over 16 it still wasn't long enough.
I am sending you my compassion and understanding and pray you find comfort. Remember your journey with you boy.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #9 
Thank you for the kind words and sound advice. I'm sorry to hear about your kitties.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #10 
And thank everyone for sharing and helping me to find my way through this pain.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #11 
I'm glad we are able to help you through your pain.  Sharing with you also helps our healing.  We are all in this together.  Hugs to you.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #12 
It was one week ago last night that my boy left this world. Mornings are the worst. I would go to bed, tell him I'll see ya in the morning, and know the next day I'd hear his big paws clawing at my door. He would rumble down the steps as a got dressed and if I want quick enough he'd start his 'wooing'.
I'd grab his leash and my shoes..he'd hear the chain jingle and start spinning and hopping by the door. He'd hop into the back seat of my truck and off we'd go to the lake for our daily walk. I wonder if all the people there we would see are wondering what happened..where did that guy and his big dog we would see every day go? Thanks everyone for being here.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #13 
What wonderful times you two had together.  He had a life filled with receiving and giving love.  Pets give so much to our lives and when they leave there's a hole left.  I'm sorry for any pain you are feeling, wish I had magic words to sweep it away.  I'm sending you a virtual hug.


Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #14 
It was a beautiful, cool, crisp day here. Would have been ideal to take my boy for a long walk and wrestle around in the back yard. It's been 9 of the longest, hardest days of my life since I list him so suddenly. I have no wife or kids and enjoyed the peace and quiet of just chilling with my best friend. Now he's gone. It's quiet, it's empty and ive never felt more lonely. Thank you all for being here.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #15 
Must be very difficult to feel so alone when you are dealing with the loss of your beautiful boy.  I care that you are hurting.  Please continue to reach out, continue to express your grief, I know I can speak for others on this site - we are hear for you.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #16 
Thank you so much for all the love
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #17 
Back at ya for all your continued support.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #18 
My hope for you today is that you find a moment of happiness no matter how fleeting it is, a moment where your grief is relieved just enough that you can take a deep breath and find some peace even if it's just seconds.  You loved your boy so much and I know he felt the same way.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #19 
I'm sort of going through the motions..I see everything is there but I've lost the excitement..like watching a movie. It's just not the same.
Thank you so much for the well wishes. I hope the same for you and everyone else.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #20 
You are so very welcome, I have to say I feel the same way.  Talking to people is such an effort that I only do it if I have to and my life doesn't have a lot of happiness right now, my affect totally changed in one brief minute. I do what I can to get through work and try to find some things to distract myself when I'm home.  My thoughts will continue to remain with you.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #21 
Strange day. Beautiful outside..sunny and crisp..but I want nothing to do with it. Normally I'm outside finding beauty in all aspects of life..water, plants, birds, squirrels, wind and sun. Those are things I enjoyed on my hikes with the pup..our walks were the perfect start to the day for both of us..now I find it hard to get out of bed, he's not there and that's not changing. I've been faking through a huge spiritual transition over the last few months and I think this has something to do with that journey. All my friends are reminding me how much I've changed and grown over the past year or so and he knew I was on my feet and ready to explore my life..it was ok for him to leave, he did his job. I don't know what my life will bring but I know this loss has changed me forever. I will never be the same without my little man. Miss you katsu.
Thanks everyone for reading n sharing. Wish you all a peaceful evening.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #22 
Dogs have a way of finding people that need them.....Filling an emptiness we don't even know we have -- T. Jones

Our beautiful pets change our lives in so many ways.

I wish you a peaceful evening as well.


MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 131
 #23 
Dear Napalmakita66,
Your story is so heartbreaking. I know the grief you are going through. We all here are unfortunately experiencing our share of grief. What a sad day for you. He sounds like he was the light of your life. It sounds like you both shared a rich and loving life. You did so many things together.  A lot of memories for you to cherish. 

I'm sorry for your loss. He was young. That was very respectable of your vet to call you right away when they were doing CPR.  A good caring vet will do that.  My dog was young, only 6. I wasn't told until hours later they gave him CPR. He was not my regular vet. (It was Christmas Eve, saving my dog's life maybe got in the way of their holiday party. Why should they be there with him during recovery when seconds count.) 

It's so nice to see our dog greet us with lots of kisses when we come in the house. They shower us with love we can't measure. I still have his (Parker's) 2 brothers to care for.  Parker was the sunshine and leader here. I understand you very well when you say you are looking around corners, chairs, his favorite spots.  I always expect to see Parker peeking around the corner in the kitchen to check if a morsel of food dropped.  The days are still hard for me. Not the same. It's wonderful in the morning when they greet you and they are so happy.  Your day already starts off great even if the weather isn't nice.  I miss that, too. Parker was always the first one up. The first one to do everything, full of energy.  I tuck my little guys in at night and I still want to tuck in Parker, too. Reality sets in each time. 

You are missing your best friend as I am missing my little leader here.  Excuse me for saying, but it is not fair. They were both so young. The quietness makes reality set in.  I am lucky to have his brothers, but it's quiet without him because he stirred up the craziness and got the party started. 
Again, I am sorry for your loss.  I'm still grieving after almost 5 months. I cry everyday.  I'm working on my acceptance, first I have to drop the guilt.  This forum is good source of uplifting messages to help heal. We understand grief and loss.  Keep coming back if you need a shoulder.  When you are ready maybe you can post some pictures of your handsome best friend.   Thinking of you.   ~ Parker's Mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #24 
Hi Parker's mom..thank you for the amazing response. Your puppers story is gut wrenching. They were too young. I mean, I can't imagine the universal plan or why this had to happen, but I thought I had many more good years to spend with my Katsu.
My brother and sister are both awaiting pics of my beautiful boy..God he was handsome..a stunning look that stopped people on the street..only his goofy personality and scary smarts were more impressive. But I'm not there yet. I occasionally look at his pics and I break down fast. One day I'll get around to it and I'll share them here as well.
It's gonna be a lonely Friday night. Started that way too. Hearing the city workers this morning cutting grass in the neighborhood breaks my heart. All the people at the park where I walked him would look for us in the morning. Park Rangers, guys cutting grass, taking out trash, planting flowers..they all would wave and say hi. Ask what kind of dog he was, how much does he weigh..Everyone loved him. I wonder if they think about why we haven't been around for two weeks...what happened to that guy and his big, fluffy dog? I can't even go back to that park.
Thank you so much for the feedback and for sharing. It's nice to have people who care and are going through similar situations. Be well
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #25 
You're right what has happened to both of you is not fair.  It's sad, heartwrenching and a loss that goes beyond words for those of us who love our pets.  I didn't have my beautiful little girl for as long as you two had your sweet boys but I miss her every day and pray that she is running free somewhere, playing and knowing that I loved her with all of my heart and wanted to protect her but in the end the universe was bigger than me and she was lost to me.

My thoughts are with both of you.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #26 
It's been a day full of tears..but a few laughs too. Thanks everyone for being supportive
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #27 
Glad you had some laughs they are much deserved.  I hope as the days move along that there are more laughs and less tears.

Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #28 
Thank you as always. Yesterday was a slight relief, but it was like being in the ocean...just a matter of time before the waves came crashing.
I cleaned out my truck yesterday morning. The one my pup and I would take our daily adventures in. I was balling the entire time. All the hair, his nose prints on the windows, spare gloves and hats I kept for walks on cold days, the giant weatherproof seat cover...the same one he took his last ride on two weeks ago today. it was his truck, I just drove. It was incredibly difficult, everything seems to be right now.
I guess I'm depressed. Not much appetite for life. I get through it but it's empty. He's gone and I just miss him..what more is there to say. One thought has been going on in my head since I dropped my cousin and his wife off at the airport this morning...I just can't believe he's not here anymore. Thanks for letting me share
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #29 
Many years ago I got a puppy, he was the first dog that was "my dog", not a family pet, my personal dog.  He was beautiful and we were both devoted to each other.  When he was 13 he became very ill and I had to say good bye to him.  My husband at the time couldn't or wouldn't be present at the time when my boy was leaving this earth, I stayed with him because I couldn't bear to let him go through it alone.  It was awful, I cried for months, I'd find a clump of his hair somewhere or see a picture and that's all it took to re-break my heart.  And then one day it got better, may have been a little easier for me because I also had a very young child that needed me at the time.  One day I was cleaning out some things in the garage and I came upon his collar.  I sat on the floor and put my face in it and I cried for what seemed like hours.  Our pets bring so much light to our lives.  Their light may dim a bit but never completely goes out to those who love and cherish them.  Their memory remains with us and in time the pain lessens but in the beginning it just seems it will never get better.  I know you know all of this because you have written the same thing to me.  I just wish the time to feel better was with both of us right now.  
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 131
 #30 
Hi Napalmakita66,

I understand and think the same, not knowing why these things happen. I think all the time that this is not right.  I was expecting my dog to live until 12-20, his expected life span. If he had to be taken away, a fair age to me would be at least 12, not the young ages our precious ones were taken.  The pain and tears aren't stopping soon. I could have filled a 5-gallon bucket with tears this week and I'm into my fifth month next week. I lost the first couple of months of my life after he passed. I don't remember much, but I do remember it was a very dark place. I didn't get much done and I wasn't eating or sleeping regularly.  

Your loss and pain is more raw, only 2 weeks. So very new.  Grieve as long as you want and need.  It's healthy to cry and communicate your feelings here on this forum and/or with outside support. I hear you, things are not the same now.  Parker was full of energy and kept me laughing with his crazy antics. The laughter stopped the day I lost him. 

"His" truck will be a memorial place for you for a long time, in between the tears  At some point, when you are ready or healed, it will be a calming place to be. Parker's muddy paw prints on the back seats of my care and I am never wiping them off.

I wish it could be better for all of us. This loss is the most excruciatingly painful experience in my life. For as much pain and sadness we are having, I hope Katsu and Parker are having that much in happiness.

I hope what they say is true, that there really is a Rainbow Bridge and we will meet up with our sweet angels when we go. I wish I knew for sure because it would relieve me of the thought that I will never see him (Parker) again.  I'm thinking that Katsu and Parker are by the Rainbow Bridge having fun romping in the fields. I am praying for your beloved Katsu, my Parker, and the many other loved ones who have made it to the Bridge. 

I pray there really is a "Bridge" where when it's our time, we can meet up with our babies again. 

Peace and comfort to you.

Parker's Mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #31 
I imagine we will all get together one day and have a great laugh over everything we took so seriously. I've studied universal law and reincarnation..Edgar Cayce spoke about everyone in our lives belonging to the same soul group. We've lived together and interacted before, we'll hook up after this life and do it all over again like a play with a different script.
Who knows? But your right..it is very raw. For some reasona thought popped into my mind today..maybe I could have done more. O should have walked him more, played more...maybe he was bored. It's a brutal thought and I know that he had an amazing life. He drove across country with me twice!! He's done and seen more then most people. I just miss him and I feel like it was his choice to go. I just don't know why. I guess the lesson will be revealed one day. For now, I have to deal with it.
He was the best and there is no replacing him. Part of me doesn't even want to move on...it seems like I'm leaving him behind. But that's not it...he's fine and I'm being selfish. One day at a time....
Thank you for the response and I wish you all the best.
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 131
 #32 
Thank you for listening.  This is the most agonizing thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like I am slipping backwards. I saw one of Brent's videos. I wish I knew for sure some things, it would ease my pain.  I now have a psychologist who is helping me with my grief.  He said he treats my grief the same as if I lost a child, because grief is still grief.  I'm glad he listens. I first went to someone else when this first happened and I couldn't believe what she said to me. I was so despondent. It had just happened.  I didn't go there for a fashion show. She said I looked like a homeless person and next time I should wear makeup. Then she told me it was free will that he went to that vet. That's not something I wanted to hear so early in my grief. T hen she said, "Woe is me."  That was the last time I went to her. 

You're right. I have to be strong my other 2 guys. They depend on me. I can't let them see me cry. I don't want to upset them. They know something's up. They just don't know exactly what. This has put pressure on my marriage.  My husband was the brains of the dental cleaning idea. If you read some of my posts, you'll know I was against it. I wanted to wait to get it done, I was worried about the anesthesia and my little boy being so frightened. Plus, I had no intention of having that vet continue treating my boys. I wanted to return to our first vet, Dr. Chris (his first name), or as I call him, Dr. Dolittle. He has such a good way with animals. He treats every kind of animal from mice to horses. He owns horses. My little Parker just started feeling comfortable with him, as he was always scared of people handling him. The way Dr. Chris is, it was probably hard for Parker not to like him. He's wonderful vet who makes house calls and holds vaccine clinics so you don't have to pay for an office visit. I question why we continued to see that other vet. Dr. Chris was right down the road until late last summer. He moved a little farther away, to western NJ. I'm in eastern PA. We didn't know he was that close by. We were only supposed to go to that other vet for a couple of visits for my Beagle.  

This is where my husband comes into the picture. He insisted we start taking all the dogs to this other vet. That was the beginning of the end. My little Parker only went there 2 other times and it only took that vet 3 visits to kill my dog. There was so much wrong that he did breaking the law. Too long to list. It was only after my little boy passed away that I found out.  I have state complaint going out, if I can just finish it without breaking down. So, I am juggling with my grief and some resentment toward my husband, because he didn't listen to me. He said he just wanted to keep our dogs healthy. I can't get the idea out of my head that I didn't want to go there. Something told me it was wrong. I didn't act on my intuition. I am so sorry now. I let my little boy down. He's gone. That's where I stand now. I have mixed emotions running through me. 

I want to forgive him and myself, but the loss of my dog and the grief overwhelms me right now. I don't know when I will be ready. I need more time. The tears are still flowing.Sorry for rambling.
I will keep you in my thoughts as well. I hope we both can get to the point where we can cherish our memories without tears. 
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #33 
I didn't get my boy to his regular vet either..it was a Sunday night and I had to get him to the only 24/7 facility available. At first I wondered...did they do all they could? Did they do something wrong? Did they take too much time? The fact is it doesn't matter now. I can blame everyone, everything, the universe, God...I can "what if" for the rest of my life. I did the absolute best I could. You did the best you could and I'm guessing your husband did too. Unfortunately, we all make mistakes, some small some not so much. I understand your frustrated, hurting..maybe a little angry. I've felt all those emotions too. But fighting and blaming won't fix it... Being angry only hurts me and makes and adds to my pain. The closer I get to accepting what has happened, even if I can't understand why, the better I feel.
That therapist you first saw sounds like a real idiot. I'm sorry you had to deal with her rubbing salt in your wounds. Compassion is so important to healing. You respect and support people on pain...never judge.
It may not mean anything right now..but as I sit in my house alone...it's so quiet without my boy...I hope you can find a way to spend some time with the other pups...your still the pack leader and they probably want to help but they don't know what to do. They can probably help you as much as anyone. I'm sorry if at any point it comes across as me giving advice, that's certainly not my place. I just have thoughts..most of them are the things I tell myself. I hope you can take some small steps toward healing...you deserve to feel good...we all do, even though we've made mistakes.
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #34 
The therapist who said those things to you is not only a terrible therapist but a terrible human being.  I'm so sorry that you experienced that.  She should not be practicing in her profession.  

Napalmakita66 is right, we all make mistakes.  Can't get through life without them, please be kind to yourself, you deserve to have some peace.  

My thoughts are with you.  Sleep well everyone.  Good night. 

-K
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #35 
Tonight marks week 3 of the day my heart sank, my soul was crushed and my life changed forever. It was about this time, sunset...twilight, the ultimate symbol of transition in nature, when my amazing little man passed over.
It's been hard. Quiet and empty... depressing. You were my best friend boy..,my guardian angel..my partner..you were a part of my soul. I know part of it is still with you, wherever you are in this vast cosmos.
I'll never forget our adventures. Your loyalty, your companionship..your love. You will always be my Akita..i hope you know how proud I am of you. I'll see you again some day little man. Goodnight Katsu
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #36 
Thinking of you and Katsu.  Wishing you a moment of peace from the heartache.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #37 
Thank you KK..And the same to you
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #38 
On this memorial day I'm remembering you boy...the day was hollow and quiet without you by my side. We all miss you Katsu
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 131
 #39 
Thinking of you and Katsu during this Memorial Day week.  I wish Katsu and my dear Parker peace wherever they are. Please watch over us, Katsu and Parker.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 127
 #40 
Very sweet of you. Thanks so much!! They would make a great team...
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