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sophie93

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Posts: 12
 #1 
One week ago my darling little boy was rushed to the vet after vomiting up a lot of blood, he had become limp, was breathing extremely heavily and struggling to keep his eyes open. The vet suspected that he had eaten rat poison and recommended a blood transfusion which we did immediately. His red blood cell count had dropped to just 15% and with the transfusion jumped up to 28%, however a few days later dropped back down to just 16%. After four days of coasting along his bloods dropped even further so we did another transfusion. This didn’t bring his levels up. I was called to come in and see him, as soon as I saw him I started balling me eyes out I hadn’t seen him since the day it happened because each day they had told me he was improving and that they were confident I could take him home that afternoon or the next day or the next day so I was feeling super guilty. I also thought I was going to have to have him put to sleep. They told me that his levels were sitting at 15% and with the right medication they could go up even more over the next week. He was put on steroids, antibiotics and vitamin K to calm his immune system and to give his body a chance to rebuild his red blood cells. Three days went by and his levels slowly grew, the vet seemed very positive but made it clear we weren’t out of the woods yet. He was eating normally again and seemed so bright, walking around and barking like he was getting back to his normal self, the vet couldn’t believe it. This morning I got a call that he had taken a bad turn and vomited up a lot of blood and was struggling to breathe again. I rushed in to see him, the vet told me that they suspected he had grown a stomach ulcer as a reaction to his medication and they weren’t sure how much blood he had lost with the little that he had left, there wasn’t much they could do or guarantee with the way he was. If I chose to give him medication to reduce the stomach ulcer, he may not have been able to increase his blood and his body may still shut down. I had to make the horrendous decision to euthanise my little baby. He was 10 years old, had been by my side since I was 17 years old and has been there for me through so many hard stages of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I feel so guilty like I should of noticed something sooner and got him to the vet sooner, or even given him a third shot at getting better but was so worried about how much pain he was in and could have been if I pushed him to keep fighting. The vet told me they weren’t sure if it could have been a stomach ulcer/tumour all along or if it was rat poison. I love him so much, how do you let go of a companion that has been there for so long.. I can’t stop thinking about him flopping and taking his last breath as I sat shaking and crying not to mention the last time he looked into my eyes and licked my face. I hope he knew he was loved and felt safe and comforted in his last moments. I can’t bring myself to wash my hands because they still smell like him. I just want him back. 💔
sophie93

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #2 
I can’t help but feel guilty that I didn’t try and help you one last time, I know the chances were low but what if it had helped and you were still getting better.. I am so sorry and I love you so much. I visited your grave today and I swear I heard you breathing. My bedroom is riddled with memories of you in every corner it brings me to tears every time I come in here, especially at night because you always slept right by my side, like the human baby that you were. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I can’t stop replaying yesterday morning and being overcome with this hot, sick wave of emotion. I wish I had given you another chance, I wish I could have saved you, I wish I could have just one day at home with you. You were such a soft and gentle, cheeky boy and you made me smile every day. It’s moments like getting up in the morning without you jumping about excited to get up with me, coming home from work with you greeting me with a shoe in your mouth and even feeding times that seem to be the hardest. I didn’t wash my hands yesterday I couldn’t stop smelling them, smelling you, and as I was about to shower this morning I just stood there shaking and crying and clutching at my hand as if it were you. It felt like I lost you all over again as I put my hand under the water. This doesn’t feel real. Please come baok.
EileenD820

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Posts: 20
 #3 
I am feeling the same way.  I wish I would have done more for my precious Midnight.  I've been riddled with guilt since last Thursday.  Today is the first day I haven't cried (YET), although it feels like it's creeping up.  I hope you find peace with your decision, as I am desperately trying to do myself.  My thoughts are with you, and I share your pain.

Eileen
sophie93

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #4 
Thankyou so much for your response. It’s such an awful feeling, after a week of him being so up and down and vomiting up a lot of blood again after becoming so much better it was so hard to understand why it had happened. I think that’s what I’m struggling with most. His spirits were so high and he seemed so good for nearly five days and then overnight went so downhill. Trying to hold onto the thought that I was his guardian angel and stopped any future pain coming his way, it’s our obligation as their mothers to do that for them but it just seems so awful as it’s not in our nature as humans. Thankyou it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this and my thoughts are also with you
sophie93

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #5 
Does the empty feeling ever go away? I feel like I’m doing okay and then just sink right back into that dark space. I feel like part of me is missing and can’t stop smelling the jumper I wore when it happened, he snuggled into my sleeve for hours before saying goodbye. I’ve kept it at the end of my bed, it makes me feel like he’s still here. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wash it.
EileenD820

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #6 
Sophie,

Take it one day at a time.  I had a good day yesterday surprisingly.  I followed up with the vet to find out when I would be receiving Midnight's ashes and I should have them by the end of the week.  That was somehow comforting to me to know that she's on her way "home" again.  

I've found if I stay busy, the raw emotions are held at bay, at least until I quiet down.  I thought I heard Midnight barking today during one of those quiet moments.  I firmly believe that our beloved pets are still with us.  You just have to look for the signs.  

I read your post again.  You did everything you could for your sweet pet and I'm sure he knew it.  As you come to terms with this, your heart will heal.  It will take time, but it will heal.  I've found comfort in just joining this group and talking about my feelings and interacting with people on this board.

Be kind to yourself.
sophie93

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #7 
Thankyou Eileen, I really appreciate your response. I’m glad you will have your girl home with you soon. I thought I was going crazy hearing the breathing and barking but I totally agree I think they stay right by our side. You have been a huge help thankyou so much for taking the time to write to me. It’s a huge adjustment after having them in your life for so long, it does bring a smile to my face knowing I gave him a great life. I hope you’re still doing well.
Julesnjemma

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Posts: 11
 #8 
It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm going for my daily walk and Jemma would have loved this weather
twinkiesmom

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Posts: 839
 #9 
Sophie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little Piper last Monday. She was fourteen years old and had been diagnosed with kidney disease 18 months ago. She did so well for so long and then went through a week here and there of not wanting to eat but with a lot of coaxing she would start eating normally. The last week I sensed it was different and I was right. Like you I had planned for her euthanization to be done at home and when Covid 19 began I was so worried that she would have to euthanized in clinic and I was right. In the end it didn't matter. Sunday she laid on our deck soaking up the sun and went for a last walk of just a few yards but she enjoyed it immensely, looking around, wagging her tail. Monday she was too tired to care about her surroundings and after cuddling for a bit it was time to let her go and her passing was peaceful. The empty feelings ease a bit when you accept you did the right thing for your baby but it takes a long time for the tears to stop. When you feel like crying let the tears flow, I think they help us to heal, but remember the special moments when all was right with the world the two of you shared, a funny thing she did that made you laugh. You will miss her but she is never truly gone, a part of her lies within your heart and the bond of love remains unbroken.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #10 
Sophie I believe I called your baby a little girl and if I did I apologize. Sometimes when replying to a post my feelings get in the way.
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