Registered: 1215612299 Posts: 10
I had to PTS my baby 20 hours ago. Her name was Opus, and she was my incredibly sweet, smart 20 year-old kitty. Opus and I fought the good fight against kidney failure for several years, and she was a beautiful, elegant, defiant trooper to the end. But this past weekend, her little body just started to give out. We had her on IV fluids at the vet for 30 hours, during which time she rallied a little. The vet (the best!) called me Monday night and Tuesday morning with very positive progress reports. I began preparations to welcome my little puddy back home that evening, and I couldn't wait to fall asleep with her next to me that night. But then at 10 a.m. yesterday, my vet called to say Opus had taken a sudden turn for the worse and that I should come quickly. Apparently, my little pumpkin had started going into seizures. They put her on valium to keep her calm and comfortable, and when they rechecked her blood work, all those fluids hadn't made a dent in her creatinine/BUN values. We could have tried some other things -- blood transfusions, more days on fluids (which would have required transportation to a place that could provide overnight care), but we were assured that these measures might only give her days. And even that wasn't a guarantee. But I'd made a promise to Opus earlier in her illness. I told her that I would be with her absolutely all the way to the end and that I would make decisions that were best for HER, not for me. And then I spent the rest of my time praying it that I would never have to make such decisions. I had never asked/prayed for a miracle before this past Sunday. Despite all this talk of praying, I'm not a traditionally religious person (although I am spiritual), but if I had any cosmic/karma chips to call in, I called them in that day. But as you might guess from my post here, it wasn't enough. So, we made the decision to let Opus go and to stop her suffering. I was there for the whole thing, as I had promised. As we prepared to take her into the room where the procedure would be done, my little button went into another seizure. It was a horrific thing to see. The vet administered more valium and she quickly calmed down. I waited for her to come around just a little bit so we could say goodbye. I wanted her to know that I was there and to hear my last "I love yous" even though she was too weak to reciprocate with even the smallest meow. In retrospect, I wish that I'd waited longer and spent more time with her, talking to her and holding her. But I was afraid she's go into another seizure and or that I might lose my nerve. She went very quickly and quietly, for which I am grateful. I took a tuft of her hair and her lone, white cheek whisker with me. I kept my promises to my baby and yet I couldn't feel worse. And now I have a home full of memories - and nothing more. We lived in this place together for 16 of her 20 years, and it is steeped in her presence. Every corner, every wall, every window. The entire house sports its usual fine veil of black cat hair, even though she is gone. I'm reluctant to vacuum/dust because I want to keep that fur right where it is. It's all I have left of my sweet girl. My deepest fear is that my baby was unaware of my presence as we let her go. She was out of it from the valium, but all the while, I cradled her and I kept talking and kissing her, asking her to please forgive me and telling her how much I loved her and how lucky I was to have her as my kitty. She was my heart for literally half of my life, and now I don't even know how to begin to go on.
Registered: 1178570509 Posts: 1,288
How truly sorry I am for you loss of Opus. I had 18 years so I can understand the pain of this loss of your twenty year love affair. The main thing I want to tell you is that yes, she heard you at the end. No matter how much vallium she was on she heard you and knows how much you love her. I know that she felt your presence and was content in the knowledge that you kept all of your promises to her. There never is enough time, time to hold them more or love them more, there just isn't enough time, ever. She was very lucky to have you as her parent. You have come to the right place to help you start to learn how to live without her. It will not be an easy process, this mourning, but it does help to come here. Once again I am so very sorry for this loss of your most precious love, Opus. Helen
Registered: 1213807858 Posts: 1,400
I am so sorry to hear about your loss of Opus. I know it is extremely sad and difficult time for you. I am sure she knew you were there and heard you tell her you loved her. I know that our beloved pets feel our special love and presence no matter what the circumstances. My Meister, a toy poodle, left us a month ago at age 17. He also had a seizure and on medications. A couple of month prior I would carry him up the stairs after he went out and say to him You are mommies boy and a very good boy and kiss his ear and told him that whatever happened he would always know I was there when I kissed his ear. I kissed his ear for the last time on 6/5/08 and I absolutely know he knew I was there. You definitely shared a very strong love with Opus and that's why I am sure she felt your love and knew you were there with her. I will pray that you find peace and I know you will always have wonderful memories of your precious Opus. Mary Meisters Mom
Registered: 1215470503 Posts: 22
Oh, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree with the others that Opus heard you and knew you were there. The bond between you wasn't one sided - Opus felt it, too, and, therefore, had to be aware of your presence and love. What Helen said is so true - there's never enough time to love them. A lifetime isn't enough. My heart goes out to you.
Sincerely, Marie Peanut's Mommy
Registered: 1211242652 Posts: 355
I am very sorry for the loss of your precious Opus. I can tell you shared a very special bond with her like I did with my precious baby boy cat Cheeseburger. I lost him on May 4th, 2008 and I miss him so much.
Cheese was very sick and we also had to let him go. When we went to the hospital, my baby cat was on oxygen, but when the nurse put him in my arms he started purring his wonderful deep purr. My son said, "He knows his Mommy is holding him." I thought what an extraordinary soul Cheeseburger is - so sick with cancer, and still he found the strength to purr and in turn was comforting me, just like he always did. Your Opus knew you were with her, she could feel your love. I am hoping my Cheeseburger was there to greet Opus when she crossed over. Cheese was a very sweet boy. You have friends here that care and understand. We listen and support each other because we all know how devastating it is to lose an angel. Bless your sweet Opus. Dee >^..^< Cheeseburger's Mom firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.catster.com/cats/790486 http://www.catster.com/group/Our_rainbow_bridge_angels-13931 myspace.com/cheeseburger1997 My Handsome Boy Cheeseburger
Registered: 1215734192 Posts: 2,285
I know that feeling. My Mandy passed on last Thursday night. I didn't even want to wash my hands when we got home. I didn't want to take a shower. I didn't want to vaccuum. I didn't want to do anything that would take even the slightest trace of her away. It's such a terrible feeling. But doing these things does not wipe away the memories and the presence of our beloved pets. I ran into someone I knew that very night on the way home, he asked how I was doing. I still had her collar in my hand, I couldn't bear to put it down, and I said this is all I have left. I immediately realized I had so much more than that left. She gave so much and I still have it all, all the love, all the memories, it's all mine to keep forever. No one can take that away from me, or from you.