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SueOtt

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Sunday I took Maggie to the vet and made the decision to euthanize her. The guilt I have felt since then feels unbearable. Maggie was a 13 year old Pomeranian. She has had a collapsed trachea for years and always has a bit more trouble in the summer. We sometimes had to use medicine to help her with this. Last month she started making a strange sound sometimes when she was sleeping. It would scare me so I would wake her up, if she didn’t on her own to make sure she was ok. She always seemed confused once she woke up. We also found out late last month that she had an enlarged heart and we had to put her on medication for cushings disease. Friday it was hot and humid and her coughing/honking became worse and was followed by gagging. She wasn’t sleeping as well and was restless at night. By Sunday she did not sound any better so we took her to our vet for an emergency call. The vet did another x ray and said her heart was .5 centimeter larger than it was a month ago and when breathing her trachea was open when she exhaled but completely closed when she tried to inhale. She told us she could send her home with a steroid that might help aid her in breathing but if her breaths were not under 35 breaths per minute we would have to look at other options. She also said using a steroid would put her heart at more risk of congenital heart failure since it was already enlarged. It made it even more difficult because with the pandemic they come out and get your pet and then everything is discussed over the phone. I didn’t want Maggie to continue to struggle so I chose to let her go. I just feel like I gave up on her She trusted me to take care of her and I let her down. Maggie has been such a joy in my life and had gotten me through some very difficult times. The guilt of making that decision is eating away at me. I constantly wonder if I should have brought her home and just tried the medication. Given it and her a chance. I am devastated and just feel like I made the wrong decision. I am heartbroken
grievingmom

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Posts: 639
 #2 
The guilt of making that decision is eating away at me. I constantly wonder if I should have brought her home and just tried the medication. Given it and her a chance. I am devastated and just feel like I made the wrong decision. I am heartbroken

It is understandable that the guilt of your decision is eating away at you. How can anyone.and I mean anyone make the kind of decision you did and not second guess themselves.

I too would wonder if I should have brought her home and just tried the medication. I think the medication would have worked to an extent in keeping her going..but it would not have cured the underlying problems. The trachea and the heart. The steroid would have helped the current symptoms with the breathing. That's all. In other words, this situation would not have a happy ending simply because you used the steroid. So get that idea out of your head.

I was in a very similar situation as yours. Pearl was at a vet office where she had never seen the vet she was seeing on that day. He was saying to euthanize her and I wanted to take her and leave. Instead I listened to him and had a very extreme severe reaction to what I did. I became suicidal. I was horrified at what I had done. Pearl resisted the needle to be euthanized. She tried to jump off the table. It was horrifying. I had to hold her down and I could feel her tiny body fighting the needle. Yet I held her down to get it. Can you imagine the guilt afterwards? And the anger at the vet for putting me in that position. He lied to me and told her that one needle would do the the trick so to speak. And it didn't. He did not give her a relaxant and he didn't let me hold her like he promised. I was really suicidal for years over what took place on that fateful day. Just talking about it upsets me.

You are not the first and won't be the last with a euthanasia situation that has left you really messed up. Trust me I understand.

I can say that while it has taken me years to cope with this, I no longer focus on it like I used to. I was obsessed about it for years and even sought professional help.

I am sorry for your loss. And for what took place.

Sincerely,
Stephanie
SueOtt

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thank you for responding. There are moments that I think maybe I am starting to feel at peace with my decision and then I see that tiny sweet face either through the pictures or just in my mind. While you could physically see Maggie’s chest going in further than normal trying to get a deep breath in and of course you would hear the continuous honking/coughing an then gagging, her personality never changed. She still ate, she still looked at you with those loving eyes, and she still “looked” like a healthy dog. I guess part of my guilt is feeling like, if she was truly suffering or not going to get better, why didn’t she look sick. Somewhere in my practical mind, I know an answer is there. However my heart keeps saying, maybe you just acted too quickly and she was still had a longer live able life left. That I just gave up on her. I understand that this is part of the grieving process. I just don’t know how to yet forgive myself or allow myself to believe I truly did what was best for Maggie
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