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AngelFester

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Posts: 23
 #1 
My sweet Fester. I just had to let my perfect little man go. And the world still turns. I'm still getting business calls and emails. i'm expected to answer and be part of the world. Well, i don't want the world, I want Fester. I want my beautiful, perfect little Boston terrier. That's it. I don't want to schedule appointments, have meetings, smile or care. I don't even want to eat. I want Fester. I want to feel his weight and warmth next to me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to rescue him from the crematorium. I don't want his ashes. I want him. Tomorrow I have to be 'IN' my life when I don't have my life. I am too overwhelmed to wash my face, let alone pretend everything is business as usual. How can i hide it? How can i get the energy to care or deal with people?
MaxsMom

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Posts: 258
 #2 
Dear AngelFester,

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Fester.  It is so incredibly hard to let our little ones go!  It feels impossible to just keep going on after losing someone as dear to you as your Fester was.  The grief and longing is just overwhelming, especially in the beginning.  When I lost my dog last December everything felt surreal - like I was on the outside of life looking in and wondering how it could just go on.  But it does and it is hard.  I was able to take a little time off from work, but it still was not enough.  I ended up just going through the motions.  Eventually it got a bit easier, but not for quite some time.  This is all so fresh for you.  Give yourself time and if you are able, give yourself permission to go easy or to take time off.  Grief is a process that takes a lot of energy, so be kind to yourself.  You will know when you are ready to do just a little more than the day before.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time and I will keep you and Fester in my prayers.  I am sure that when sweet Fester got to the Rainbow Bridge, my Max was there with all of the other little ones to meet him and welcome him.

Warm Hugs,
MaxsMom~Joanne
randy

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #3 
Sorry to hear of your loss.  In my opinion you don't have to "hide" it, if people don't understand, then they have a problem, to my mind.  Let it out, not to the extent of bursting into tears in the meeting, but make no bones about your outlook on life. Which is more important, to YOU, the joy of your feelings of love, or some munch in a suit who couldn't possibly understand?

Randy

katrs09

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #4 
AngelFester,
       My Sadie died three weeks ago today. I know that I do not know the details of your sweety, but my Sadie had colon cancer. We were told in the end of May she had a month to live, she passed on the 16th of June. The day before she passed she had gotten increasingly worst, I had visited home and she was unable to eat anything and could not even keep water down,this was a Sunday. We were going to PTS on Tuesday because I had the day off and wanted to be with her and my rents did too. Well I went back home and fell asleep, I woke up the next day, Monday, and got ready for classes. Around 10 min till my class was to start my dad calls me and tells me that Sadie passed overnight. So I had to go to class and pretend everything was ok, and then go to work a 5 hr shift after that! I had little time to think but I could not stop crying. It's very hard to put on a smiling face and deal with people when you just want to curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out. I know your pain, however, going to work may help a tad bit because it keeps you distracted. You do need to let out all of your pain and not be afraid to cry, if you need to go in the bathroom and cry your eyes out then dont be afraid to, I know I went through fits of hysterical crying for a long time...even to this day. I know it's hard...just know that all of us here know what you are going through and this is the place where you can find comfort.
-Kathleen

AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #5 
Thank you for your words of support. Fester a.k.a. the sweetest boy in the world, was diagnosed 9 weeks ago with a Glial brain tumor. he went through radiation and chemo. miraculously, the tumor disappeared. Glials are almost impossible to recover from. In humans or animals. that's why a week ago i was beyond ecstatic. all of a sudden Fester's brain started swelling uncontrollably. My poor baby. I had a vet come to my house on July 4th. the worst thing ever. His sister Bug was laying quietly next to him while I held his face. I cradled him in my arms. His body was so limp. i had him wrapped in his favorite blanket. it was so surreal. rocking him back and forth. giving him to the man who was to take him to the crematorium. it still makes no sense to me. giving my baby to a stranger to cremate him. picking out an urn. figuring out what i wanted engraved on it. all weekend long i wanted to find him and rescue him. i didn't want him to be in the cold without his mom. while he was sick, i pretty much just had his body to love. i didn't feel his spirit leave and just his body remain. i'm so angry at myself for putting him to sleep over the long weekend.
Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #6 
Dear AngelFester:
I am so sorry for the loss of your Precious Angel Fester.  These Precious Angels bring so much Joy into our lives and when they leave the Joy leaves with them.  I understand every ounce of your pain as I have been experiencing that same pain for over 15 months.  Christopher was my Heart, My Soul and My Best Friend.  When he left me and went to the Bridge my Soul left with him.  My life will never be the same.  I will miss Christopher Forever.  Take time and grieve as much as you need to as that is the only way any healing will take place.  My only source of survival was this site and the wonderful people who were here for me all times of the day and night.  I would not have survived without my petloss family.  We are all here when you need us and we all understand. 

Sending Hugs and Prayers Your Way
Georgeann
Christopher's Mommy
Forever
AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #7 
oops. to clarify- i was ecstatic that an MRI showed his tumor had disappeared. then a week later his brain swelled. i was NOT ecstatic about that.
AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #8 
and i'm terrified i'll lose my other Boston, his sister Bug. she has never spent a day without him and is very, very depressed. i try not to wail in front of her, but i alternate between crying, hyperventilating and numbness. i just keep repeating 'i want him back'. over and over and over. i can't believe i am never going to see him again. that is unacceptable. and i don't want to wait to be reunited. i want him now.
Spazziekat

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #9 
Festers Mom,

     I understand completely... all I feel is " I want him back".

          I don't want to wait either.  I envision Freckles in Heaven hanging out in the flower garden with my Grandmother, smelling the flowers and tasting the grass. 

     I'm so sorry my dear, I suffer with you.
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #10 
So sorry about the loss of your  Fester.  You are numb and do not want to face the world.  I too went through this in January and it is the most horrible time of my life.  You want to hide, not eat and keep away from those who don't understand.  My Rupert had kidney disease and it was a sad 13 months for me as I knew soon I would lose him. You never want to let go.  I couldn't bear to take him to the vets for cremation.  Handing him over was so hard and it still brings me to tears thinking about that.  I miss his soft fur and talking and his many tricks he did.  I try to focus on those things to get me through life now.  I have lots of photos and I talk to him. 

I thought I would feel O.K. when his ashes came home but even though he was home I can't bear to touch the box.  I pains me and makes me sad to think he is in there.

You are grieving for the life you had with Fester and it will take a lng while for you to get used to the fact he has gone.  It is 26 weeks for me and I still can't get used to it.  Take each day one at a time.  Can you not have some time off?  Grieving is different but it goes in stages.  Someone told me to cry at night when on my own so I could face people during the day and I tried that.   I live with the hope like many on here that one day I will see my Rupert.  I miss him so much.  RupertsMum

Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #11 

Sorry for your loss of Fester. Maybe you can take even one day off to be by yourself and take care of yourself. Tough position you're in if you can't take any time off. Maybe even a long lunch or an early day might help. Take care.

Mary

Registered:
Posts: 1,400
 #12 
Dear Festers Mom:
I am so very very sorry about your loss of Fester.  We are all here to help you and we understand your pain.  It is extremely painful to lose our best friends.  Please do not feel you are alone in your sorrow.

You love Fester with all your heart and I know letting him go was unbearably painful.  I too have the same pain and sadness.  Please take all the time you need to grieve for Fester.  Keep him close to your heart and talk to him.  He is at the Bridge and watching over you now.

When the time is right please send a picture of your sweet Fester and the great memories of the times you spent together.

My prayers are with you and Fester.

Mary
Meisters Mom
RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #13 

AngelFester I'm right there with you. I am supposed to be on vacation right now. I was supposed to leave on Sunday until I found out my baby passed away. I of course canceled. Now I have to go to work on Thursday and I'm not sure I can pull it off. I'm freaking out.

impactsdream

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #14 

Dear Fester's Mom,

I totally understand your grief. I lost my Boston Buster five weeks ago. He was my little man too. Just know it does get more tolerable. I can look at my little Bussy's picture and smile now and remember how he made me laugh everyday...he was a comedian.

I wish I could say something to give you comfort, the only thing for that is time. Just love your little Bug like there is no tommorrow and you'll get each other through this difficult time.

Keep your chin up.



Buster's Mom

Kumalove

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #15 
Dear Festers Mom:

Oh sweetie, I really, really feel your pain.  I only took one day off from work after I lost my lab, Kuma, and it was miserable going back.  I cried constantly and people were so good for a couple of days but after that they expected me to keep a stiff upper lip and get on with it.  People who haven't been through the pain of losing their beloved friend have no idea at all.  Also, most people seem to be embarrassed by looking at another's grief so they tend to avoid you.  I found this with neighbors whom I expected would be at my door to comfort me but weren't.  I did call my doctor's office a couple of days after losing Kuma and she called in a prescription for anxiety medicine.  I couldn't take it during the day but it did help me sleep at night.  Also, I picked up a pack of Ensure to drink because food just wouldn't go down.

The first few days I also kept crying out "I want my baby back".  I couldn't get it through my head that she wasn't coming back.  It took a week before I could stop crying constantly and now, almost two weeks later, I'm able to laugh (a little) at a joke and to a small degree rejoin the world.  I still cry when I approach my apartment because my baby won't be there.  Like you, I have trouble finding the energy to do the little things.  I've been putting on my make-up in front of the living room mirror because the bathroom is too claustrophobic.

I just spoke with a vendor visiting the office.  Because of this post I was very teary and apologized and explained that I had just lost my dog.  He lost his dog last year and he said the time will come when I will be able think about her and smile instead of cry.  He understood that it was like losing a child.  I heard this from someone yesterday, also.  I know in my heart it's true, but it's so comforting to hear it from someone who's been there.


 Now you have Bug to think about.  I'm sure the poor baby is suffering a lot of grief also, so give her a lot of comfort and a big hug from me.

Now, a bit of good news.  This is an excerpt re: Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona who has institued the below:

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners.  They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily.  He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior.  They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal.  He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.

Fester is now at peace.  I pray you find peace really soon, mom.
hugosmom

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #16 
Fester's Mom,

I, too, lost my beautiful rescued Boston boy Hugo two months ago.  I am still so sad.

I am trying to find peace in my life without Hugo. With him by my side I knew I could handle anything.  Just one look at his face and he made everything alright. He was such a special soul.   If only I could hold him again and kiss his wrinkly face. But I can't and that is what is so hard.

Life without Fester is not going to be the same.  Let Bug help you.  My other Bostons have helped me. 

Remember grief doesn't have a plot, it isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end.

If you ever want to email about Fester and Bostons my email is leigh@noisydogstudio.com.    Bostons are the greatest !

Leigh
Hugo's Mom

doodlebug

Registered:
Posts: 237
 #17 
Fester's Mom:

I'm so sorry about the loss of your little guy, Fester, and I can feel every one of those horrific, surreal feelings you are having right now.  My little guy, Gus, has only been gone for 20 days and I'm still not out of my fog yet.  However, I can't imagine having to deal with the day-to-day activities of work (I'm retired) while dealing with this horrible loss.  Ever since we lost Gus, I have felt like I wanted to yell at each person I've seen:  "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT MY LITTLE BOY IS GONE??!!".  I feel so bad for you having to deal with day/day activities (which probably seem terribly frivolous) and not being able to take the time to grieve.

I've found this site a great comfort since the hours after we put Gus to sleep but I must admit that nothing REALLY comforted me at times and I suspect that it will be the same for you.  In many instances, it felt like the pain was something just between me and Gus and no one could touch it.  (My husband has been great but he's also grieving too.)  At times, I still find myself suddenly overcome by a sudden 'panic' or maybe I should call it disbelief when I realize that he's really gone but it's not happening quite as much as it did during the first two and a half weeks.  But, for the first time today, I had a brief moment that I could suddenly feel what it felt like to kiss him in that special place right next to his eye and on the inside of his floppy ear.  I hadn't been able to feel it since he died - I don't know why - but today I could almost feel it.  It brought me a small bit of comfort.  Maybe I'll be able to get a glimpse of his wonderful smell that I miss so much. 

I suspect that there isn't too much that can comfort you right now because we can't give you the one thing you really want - your little guy.  Just put one foot in front of the other and and you'll slowly walk thru the fog.  Unfortunately, there are no easy paths in this one.  We all know it and we're all walking thru it but, at least, we have a place to talk about it here.

Take care of yourself and we'll be thinking of you.....
Gus' mom



AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #18 
thank you everyone. thank you.
BabydogsNana

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #19 
Dear AngelFester,

My heart just aches for you and the pain you feel with the loss of Fester. I, like impactsdream and hugsmom, just lost a Boston and I relate COMPLETELY with what you are experiencing. I want my sweet girl back too; she wasn't even sick.  She was would have been 8 yrs old in Nov and died from a snakebite in the backyard and I wasn't there...I never had the chance to say goodbye... (Today makes one month to the day.)

Please, know that we all are here and want to help you through this grieving process. I KNOW that your sweet Fester is at peace and playing with Hugo and Buster and my baby Reina as well as all the other furbabies. He is ok and trust me, he KNEW how much you loved him. Bug will miss him too.  Try to give her extra attention and I agree with others that say "Bug can help you through this difficult period".

When you feel up to it, please post a picture of your little man Fester and we would love to meet your baby Bug too!!   

I haven't posted about my loss yet but I think your "Boston" post was a sign, maybe, and it's time for me to share too. Soon.

You are in my prayers,

Jan
BabydogsNana


beausmom

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #20 
WOW  I was shocked to see how much our stories are the same ..not with the illnesses but how the vet came to the house his big brother Bailey was there I held him and as I am reading what you wrote its not even 2wks  ago and to this day I have so much guilt about the pts part.  I really do.. and how do  I help his brother for he to has never not one day...in 15yrs not spent a day without him..he is lost..and he is 16 and just not sure what went on...

We did let Bailey see beau after he passed and we actually kept him and brought Beau to have him cremated ourselves in fact we saw them shut the door, it was not easy but we just wanted to make sure he was with us here to the end and we went back 2hrs later and got him..its so surreal still is I keep asking my husband where is Beau..my baby he was and always will be the love of my life....just the best thing that ever happened to me ever...I am honored that I had the pleasure of having him! 

Just cling to people who care and understand and as time passes and everyone is living their life we all know how you feel and are going threw the same motions...  having had losses in my life, I know life does go on and you never forget or ever really get over it but know how to live with it... Our 2 pups are our entire world..and when our son came along after a very long history of trying to become parents 19yrs..  our world was perfect and now losing Beau  only 6mths  after our son was born..  I feel part of my world has gotten lost stopped spinning and then I look at the rest of my world and its everything i want but yet hard not to miss him..its impossible.... everything we do and everywhere we go..  he should be here just like Fester should be with you!!   

Hang in there!

Beausmom
JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #21 
Dearest AngelFester:

Oh my, can I feel your pain, in your recent post.  I am so sorry everything is so overwhelming right now.  We've all been there.  Some of us to worse degrees than others, but one thing remains the same, we all miss our furbabies and want nothing else but to have them back again and hold them and feel their warmth.

All I can say is you are not alone and there are always caring people here ready to listen and understand your pain.  As far as the day to day operations of life, it's true we are all expected to go on with things and for some of us it's easier said than done.  But I can tell you from personal experience that just putting one foot in front of the other and taking things a moment at a time is okay for now.  As far as the grieving process though it gets a bit easier with time the feelings of pain and loss never really go away.  We just find a way to go on because we have to.

Fester is in your heart and with you always and though you wish you had so much more, remember his love will see you through this dark time.  Hope you are feeling better soon.  Take good care of yourself.

                   Hugs to you, JasminesMom (Kathy)

MyDearestPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #22 
I'm so very sorry for your loss of dear Fester.  I had to put my Peanut to sleep on July 5, she had cancer, too.  Huge tumors in her nose/snout.  I feel exactly the same way you do and have been saying the same thing...I just want my Peanut, nothing else, just my Peanut...over and over again.  And I also have that feeling of being detached from the rest of the world and I don't care one bit.  The world be damned, I want my Peanut back. 

I'm not working right now but have other responsibilities and it's very hard to function.  The only thing I can think to tell you is take some time off from work, if possible.  If not, as soon as you're alone, put on your pj's, make a cup of tea and allow yourself to grieve.  He was as much your child as any human would be and deserves to be mourned. 

As the days are passing, I'm finding that necessary distractions, however unwanted they might be, do allow our bodies and hearts a bit of a respite from the intense pain.  It's still there but the intensity isn't as sharp because we must focus part of ourselves on something else for a time.  I think this allows a bit of healing to take place.  It's verrrry slow going though.

My heart goes out to you and Fester's brother.  Please remember that you're not alone.

Sincerely,
Marie
Peanut's Mommy

AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #23 
It's true. Like so many of you say- everywhere i go i want to yell 'don't you know Fester is gone? DON'T YOU KNOW MY CHILD IS NEVER COMING BACK???" instead, i go to the gas station, nod hello to be polite, go to the grocery store and smile when the clerk tells me his latest joke etc. all the banalities of life. Ir sounds so absurd to say 'my dog died.' That sounds so trivial. t makes me feel as if I am disrespecting him and minimizing him. My dog died. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I wish there was a better description. I wish the world would stop for awhile.

thanks to all of you. my heart breaks for your losses.
ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #24 
I am so sorry to hear about your Fester. I took the nite before off to be with him, and have to go back to work Monday, and am dreading it. I know how you feel about not even wanting to go out and get back into the world.


Rileysnana

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #25 
Angelfester I feel your pain. My best buddy Riley passed away last night. She too was a Boston. Just 7 1/2 years old. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor 6 weeks ago after she started having seizures. We did everything we could and had her on meds that controlled her seizures until this last Monday when they came back. We admitted her to the hospital and were optimistic until they couldn't get the seizures under control. They called us at 11:00 last night to tell us her breathing was laboring and she was slipping. We had them put her to sleep at that call. As for me....I am consumed with heartache. I have been crying since last night. I just can't believe this has happened and just don't know how this pain is ever going to go away. I can't eat or leave my room. Somebody please tell this will get better I have a million "what if's" running through my head and I ache to just see and touch her. I wish I had been there to hold her while she passed but she would have suffered too much by the time we got there. This just seems like a bad dream. I fell asleep briefly this morning and when I woke up I thought is was just a bad dream until I realized I had tissue in my hand the horror was real. I feel everyones pain and I'm so sorry for your loss. Riley's Nana.
Christine

Registered:
Posts: 227
 #26 
My heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your little Fester...my daughter has a Boston Terrier, Kallie.  We feel Bostons are the absolute best of the best!  Kallie is just a year old and we have all fallen in love with her.  She just recently became ill...fortunately, it was something that could be 'fixed' rather easily.  But we were all so very frightened. 
I know what it is like to lose a beloved pet.  It will be 2 years this September that I had to PTS my own beloved Snuggy.  But he lived a long life - 15 years (but I must say that it never is long enough compared with us humans).  I cried into my computer keys for a good year - if it wasn't for Petloss, I don't know what would have happened to me.  It was out of character for me to be so vulnerable...this place allowed me to grieve.  Please take care of yourself...I know you won't believe me now, but time does have a way of easing the pain.
Hugs,
Christine
Snuggy's Mum
randy

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #27 
My sympathy.  I know the pain, it never passes but does ease.  Sorry if offended anyone by by previous post, "suits" as as capable of love and compassion as anyone else.

Randy

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