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eddiesmommy

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Posts: 15
 #1 
I live in a walkable town and often take my dog and cat (yes, you read that right) on a walk around the block together. Yesterday, I took the day off work to go to the beach for the weekend to see my family. Before I left, I knew that I needed to take the boys on a walk. Eddie (my dog) was so excited that I didn't even have time to take my backpack off before he was whipping me out the door (he was 13 and still super energetic).

As we rounded the corner out of our alley and walked towards the stop sign, he saw my neighbor walking two of the labs that she puppy sits, and he tried to dart across the road. I said, "Eddie! Get back over here!" and pulled on his retractable leash to get him over to my side of the road again. We continued on and as we were turning to walk right at the stop sign, to continue down the next sidewalk, he smelled something in the park across the street and darted out into the road again. He often does this because he had a very STRONG nose. As I tried to retract him again, I couldn't quite get a good grip because I was holding a smoothie and my cell phone, and a cargo van was making a right turn, couldn't see him, and ran right over my little Eddie.

I can't get the picture out of my head. I see him screeching and flipping around, my neighbor flying across the street to help, the cops rushing over (who happened to be parked on our road)...I was screaming, crying, and my little boy was dying. The police officer took us on a ride to our vet, while Eddie sat on my lap gasping for air, his tongue turning grey, his little body limp underneath me.

When we got to the vet, they were waiting for us and my husband was there. I was bawling my eyes out and brought him onto the operating table. I waited in the waiting room, sobbing, while my neighbors drove over to console me and I'm pretty sure the whole waiting room was in tears. 

My husband came out after five minutes and told me that Eddie's pelvis was crushed and that he was hemorrhaging internally. I couldn't breathe, I was hysterical. Thankfully, when I walked into the back room, I pulled myself together enough to tell Eddie how much Mommy loved him and how he will get to see my Nana, my father-in-law, and his puppy sister, Elle in heaven. I kissed his nose a dozen times and watched as they injected him, putting him to sleep forever.

Since it happened, I've been ridden with guilt. Hysterically crying and screaming in my home, followed by periods of spacing out, then more crying. My husband, friends, acquaintances and family members have been amazing at reaching out, but the thought that I was responsible for my dog's death...I wish it had been me that had been hit. I could've handled that. But it was me who had too many things in my hands and couldn't save my dog...my son. I hate myself for it. 

My question is, how do you forgive yourself for your dog's death? How do you continue to live? The pain is so acute, I can't take it. Hoping for some insight.
Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #2 
Eddiesmom I am so very sorry for your loss and this dreadful event but it was an accident and you couldn't help any of it. You are obviously still in shock and need some time to process what has happened to you. It is so very heartbreaking to lose a beloved animal and Eddie sounds like a lovely dog. I find when our animals leave us it is normally very quickly and it can be brutal for us left behind. Some pet charities have counsellors that you can ring and they are a great help and this site is wonderful too for airing your grief. Know that your boy is happy and painfree now and you will meet him again someday. Look after yourself and I'm sending all my love at this dreadful time and once again I am so so sorry for your loss.
MissingBart

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Posts: 65
 #3 
I am so sorry for your loss.  When someone as special as Eddie goes, they take a piece of you with them.  I hope you can get through this and remember the good times.
eddiesmommy

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #4 
Thank you. It's been awful.
eddiesmommy

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #5 
Thank you for the kind words, Lynnsa. I have contacted my vet about pet grief counseling. Hoping that helps a little!
Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #6 
I really hope it does but small steps and it’s very early days for you wishing you all the very best 😘😘😘
Trshski

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #7 
I remember feeling that way myself. Take it easy on yourself and be kind to yourself just now. Eddie was lucky to have such a kind hearted mom. You gave him a great life. In time, the raw pain that you are feeling will lessen and you will be able to remember how happy you made each other without feeling such sadness. God bless
eddiesmommy

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #8 
Thank you, Trshski. I will try...trying to replace the bad thoughts with the good memories <3
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