Registered: 1208801587 Posts: 48
So it's been a week today since that terrible Monday morning when I found out that my beautiful kitty boy Ulrik has cancer. He died that very morning. I've found a lot of closure on this website and I am extremely thankful.
I go on about my daily life, pretending that nothing has happened. I try to keep myself busy with the most brain dead activities. But at night it hits me.....and I cry and cry and cry. It's been a week and I feel miserable. My pain has not eased in any way. Just the initial shock is gone. But the pain is as intense as it was the minute he died. The more time passes, the more I hurt and realize that he's not here and that I'll never see him in this lifetime. The pain is getting worse than a week ago. Is this normal? When the evening approaches, I become worried. I get nervous just getting into bed because I know that as soon as the lights go off, I'll be crying and the pain will intensify. I can't seem to sleep anymore. I'm afraid of dreaming because he's the main focus of my dreams and I wake up in the morning thinking that his death was only a bad dream. And when the truth hits me, I feel as devastated as the minute he went up to heavens. I'm just hurting so much. I don't know what to do with myself.
Registered: 1182807878 Posts: 536
Dear Pata, I know the feelings that you are having. This past Saturday it was my sweet angel Nikki's 10 month bridge anniversary. Nikki was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer in Oct.05 a month after I lost my other kitty to the same kind of cancer. Our vet gave us some meds for the cancer. She was put on prednisone and cytoxan, both of these are steroids. Last April her kidneys started to fail, she would hardly eat anything. Here weight got down to about 4-4.5lbs. She was on sub q fluids for about 1.5 months but eventully it did not help help her. So on June 26th we came home from working out and something happened to her, we think she had a stroke because her back legs would hardly go when we put her on the floor. So we called the emergency vet around our area cause it was about 10pm. We had to make that horrible decision to put her down. The last couple of weeks of her life were not very good. She was so very thin. That night was one night I will never forget. The tears flowed down my face so heavely, I could not believe my angel Nikki was gone. I miss her so very much my heart still aches for her. The tears still flow as I'm writing this i'm crying. We got Nikki when she was only 8 weeks old and she lived to be 16yrs+4mos. old. But to me its just not long enough. I hope someday that we will meet again on the RB. I long just to hold her in my arms again. I don't know when the tears will stop. I think of her or look at her pics and the tears just fall. Our babies almost look alike in some ways. There are so many things that i miss about Nikki. I told her that there will never be another nikki kitty like her my angel. I do have her ashes next to my bed. I'm hurting just like you my dear. So i know what you are going through. Cancer is an evil disease. Our animal friends leave us all too soon...but their footprints will dance gently on our hearts forever. Thinking of you during a difficult time. I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved cat- Ulrik..... Here is a picture of my angel Nikki.... Nikki my sweet angel mommy misses you and loves you so very much. Love forever, Terri
Registered: 1206449055 Posts: 657
Yes, I think it can get worse. I am going on five weeks and in many ways it is worse. Everyone on here pretty much says the same thing, I think. My bad time is the mornings when I first wake up. It is just horrible. It is like finding out all over again.
I am sorry about your loss--I need to keep busier like you--at least that might help temporarily.
Registered: 1206151108 Posts: 48
I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Ulrik. Yes I think it does get harder before it gets better. Like you I also could not sleep and when I did get a few minutes of rest it only ended up as a nightmare. I kept re-living that horrible day at the Vet over and over again. Its now two and a half months since my Sheba (dog) left us and it does seem to be a little bit better but it still kills me at times. At times I am overwhelmed with grief! My Sheba was 17 when she passed and left behind her best friend of 17 years named Sox (cat). Sox looks exactly like your Ulrik! I have found solace here at petloss and everyone really understands our losses. Please stay on this site and talk in the chat room whenever you can. It will really ease your pain. I hope it gets better for you soon! Take care, Michael
Registered: 1179161213 Posts: 185
It's normal to feel such terrible pain and sadness. You are not alone. I could hardly think after Ava died, and I couldn't stop crying or even leave the house for the first few days. Ulrik was/is a beautiful boy, and I'm sure he knew how much he was loved.
Registered: 1204786493 Posts: 131
Wednesday will be 8 weeks for me. I feel the same as you do, it's not getting any better. I can be so tired, but the minute I get into bed I start crying so hard, I'm awake for hours. During the day I think of Pookie constantly. I can't concentrate on anything else. I feel so guilty for bringing him to that vet. He was the most important thing in my life and look what I've done. Is Muffin Maker helping you in any way? Let us know more about him, how he's adjusting to you and his new home. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but there isn't anything. This is a horrible thing to happen to us. ~~Andee
Registered: 1208278231 Posts: 199
Yeah, I have a hard time keeping it together at night time as well. Certain things will trigger my outbreaks though.
I have been keeping a "Deary Piggy" journal to let her know how I'm feeling every day. I have been trying to keep myself occupied as well so I don't think about it. It's so hard.
Registered: 1197081544 Posts: 686
Unfortunately, it does seem to get worse. Initially, we are in such shock that it just doesn't sink in. As time goes by, we remember our precious babies and the times we spent with them. Sometimes it seems as though absolutely everything triggers a memory and tears. It has been 4 1/2 months since I lost my Gus. I have come to accept the loss and I make it through many days without tears. At other times though, I get teary eyed over nothing. At one week, your grief is so new. I was a zombie for the first two months. Coming to this site is so comforting and helped me more than words can explain. I think that you will continue to find comfort here and in time I hope that your tears turn into smiles as you remember your sweet boy and the times you shared with him. I love the pictures of your sweet Ulrik. What a happy, contented boy. It shows what a wonderful life he had filled with your love. Hugs Kate (Gus' mom)
Registered: 1196441749 Posts: 567
I'm sorry for your loss of Ulrik. Unfortunately, yes it is normal that your pain gets worse. I think it's because we are in shock when it first happens, then in time realization sets in. We are on an emotional roller coaster. It has been 6 months May 8 and I still cry at night and hate the night. Not as often as I use too, but still do. It's very difficult, we try to do "normal" things, but it is hard. But please know that you will start to remember the good memories. It may take some time, you need to grieve, but they will come. I think our furbabies would want us to remember the good times, I believe this is true with Ulrick. It's OK to cry, to be sad, it's all part of the process. You will be in my prayers during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing his pictures, so cute. I love the one of him sleeping. When you feel up to it share more about him and your life together. It will help you heal to talk about him. Thoughts and prayers, Nina Maria's Mom
Registered: 1206414832 Posts: 196
I think it does get worse. I wish it weren't so. Herbie has been gone nearly 10 weeks and last night was two years for Belle. The times of day that used to be special and happy and such sweet times are now painful. Everyone says time helps and we DO all know this is true. But it takes a long time. The pain for me is very strong, and every day is deeper. The shock is leaving, but the pain digs deeper each day. THere are so many different layers to this horrible grief. Before Herbie died, I spent so much time holding him and burying my face in his fur. I wanted to remember everything -- Every detail was so familiar -- every marking, scar, the feel of him, his smell, his voice -- And now I am having a hard time remembering and it breaks my heart. I thought before that if I could just soak in everything about him, it would help sustain me when he was gone. I can't even put into words how strange it feels not to have him here. For so many, many years he was with me night and day and my life and schedule and every move I made had him and Belle factored in. It is surreal -- and I am even now in disbelief that I was so blessed to have these wonderful little creatures in my life. I am losing the feeling of intimate familiarity and it is killing me that all I have left are a handful of photographs and my empty home. And that this emptiness is now forever. I spent a third of my life in total with Belle and Herbie. Ten weeks without Herbie and two years without Belle is my hell. I know what Nina Marie's Mom means about how difficult it is to do "normal" things. I have no "normal" without Herbie. It took us a year or more to have relative normality after we lost Belle and our two porch ferals who were Herbie's family, too. Herbie was my comfort and we clung to each other. But now I've nothing and no one to comfort me in this loss. It is a double whammy and I am suffering like I've never suffered before and I am frightened about my future and getting through each day. I have no words of wisdom, but at least you know that you are not alone. Herbie and Belle's Mom
Registered: 1176724832 Posts: 70
The grief and sadness is totally normal and it is truly all encompassing. I lost my sweet baby Kismet 4/13/07 to a car- 2 days before his first birthday, as well as my sweet Allie cat 5/16/06 to FIV and FeLV. Though the pain does ease over time, it never truly goes away. I still find myself crying randomly missing my furbabies. Your Ulrik looks very much like my Cassie from when I was younger. I love the top picture of him lying on his back- my Mel lays like that and I have never seen another cat who likes to lie like that! Hang in there and take the time you need to grieve. Jen
Registered: 1209334884 Posts: 12
I had never been to or heard of this wonderful website until yesterday. I read your story and cried for you and your baby. You and I had a really crappy week, this last week. You lost your baby on Monday and I lost mine on Friday! I found out Friday at 2 pm and cried until 5 in the morning, slept for a few hours and cried the next two days! I had to cancel all of my patients on Saturday, b/c of my grief! My eyes looked like punching bags! I HAD to work today and really found some relief from telling my patients what happened. EVERYONE seems to have a story about a beloved pet. I found that the toughest old men that come to my office would well up with tears over the loss of a pet 8 yrs earlier. It was so comforting to know that we ALL miss our special babies. When I left work, I didn't want to go home. Because I know that I have to drive past Mr. Ozzy's little grave at the front of my property. I didn't want to go in my house b/c I knew he wouldn't be there. But, his baby sister NEEDS me, just like your new baby needs you! She looks all over for him, isn't eating much and has toots and diarrhea! I know she is hurting and I am trying to hold it together for her. Animals can really sense our sorrow and I am finding that when I cry around her she feels awful, too. I am finding comfort tonight in the idea that your baby and my baby are together! My cat, Ozzy was soooo great! I'm sure they are already great friends! Some people think they are waiting for us and some people think they come back to you in another animal, whatever you believe. But, I know that EVERY cat I have ever owned had a small part of Ozzy's amazing personality! And I comfort myself that he will find me again! Whether it be through another cat or when I die! God made these cats ESPECIALLY for US! There will be bad day, and good days, and feel-guilty days, and I want-him-back days! You are NORMAL! But try to hang in there and give your new baby LOTS of love. The human heart has so many "chambers' for lots and lots of different love. I carry my Ozzy with me everywhere I go. He owns the biggest part of my heart. I will never let go of him, and I don't have to. Neither do you. And if you feel like crap today, then that's OK. I hope it helps you to know that I feel like crap, too! And when I go to bed tonight without him, I will cry myself to sleep. You are not alone! If you need to talk, let me know.
Registered: 1205715660 Posts: 763
Yes, the pain can and does get worse. I really wish I could say time heals but that is not necessarily true. It will be 8 weeks since I lost my beloved Mr. Meowgy and I too am just functioning. Not feeling. Your words could have been out of my own mouth. Continue to come to this site. The people are so kind and understanding. It will help. I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Ulrik. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
I hope you find some peace soon. I can feel your agony--it's so hard loving a pet so much and losing it.