Registered: 1512446304 Posts: 2
Last Tuesday she was fine, she was 12, still acting like a puppy. Running back and forth through the house. Friday she could barely walk and wasn't eating or drinking. Today they told us her kidneys were shutting down. It all happened so quickly and I feel like I've lost part of myself, and it hurts so bad. I just want to shut down. Does this get any easier with time? I wouldn't with this on anyone. This was her.
Registered: 1279811250 Posts: 730
What a beautiful face and such soulful eyes she has - my heart breaks for you. She is utterly beautiful.
Make no mistake - you HAVE lost part of yourself - at least that part of your identity that has been so tied up in this relationship for twelve long years. She belonged to you, and you to her, and every day was an expressions of that relationship, its sanity, its 'normality' and the expectation that it would go on forever. Now, you're adrift without the anchor she represented, and you have absolutely no way to navigate these days because you have no reference points at all - you've never lost her before, and you don't know what life and 'normal' are supposed to be right now. I know. I remember. I had no idea when I lost my own little dog Fiona that I would experience such a profound change in everything - from how I ran my day to how I planned my activities to going to work to what I cared about and my priorities. Her loss affected everything - and there is no worse feeling in the world than the hopeless truth that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this. Take a deep breath, and please hear me when I say that you owe her this awful grief because she is worth every sleepless night and dark day that this grief will demand of you. Right now, there is no timetable, 'supportive tip' or secret I can offer you that will help you - I truly wish with all my heart that I could. All I can offer you is the knowledge that I experienced every dark thought you have, and every symptom of a broken heart your note above tells me you're feeling. And I am still here, seven years later, with a perspective I truly never thought I would gain in the days and weeks following my own loss. I literally believed I would never feel better, never feel hope, never manage to have a happy or fulfilling life again without my little Fiona. Thankfully, I was wrong, but if you'd tried to tell me that in the early days I would not have believed you. Just as you cannot possibly believe me. For you, right now, there is only grief, loss, and a physical pain that washes over you when you try to process this change. The worst thing that could have happened HAS happened, and you are not prepared for this. The questions are real, "What happens now? How am I supposed to go on without this light in my life? Will I feel like this forever?" Yet you have no answers. Some people will tell you that time will heal your heart. But, in my opinion, no amount of time passing can change the fact she is gone, and she cannot be restored to you any more than my little dog can be restored to me. So what IS the answer? I'm not entirely sure, but I suppose all I can do is try to reach you with this thought - it is not time that changes anything - it is YOU that changes. The voice in your head that is currently lost and unfocused and consumed with this awful grief starts to lessen a little - it's impossible to sustain such pain. Instead of focusing on what it means to lose her, the voice starts to remind you what it was like to have her - and once again, she becomes associated with the joy, the warmth and the love she owned in your heart for the past 12 years. That love did not die with her - it is still there, and it will re-assert itself once the grief becomes blurred, and the raw shock of these days fades to something less painful and less sharp. I cannot tell you when this happens - but I can promise you with all my heart that it does happen. Today, right now, I know what you want and how badly you want it. You WANT her, back with you, beside you, and you'd give anything to have a rewind button. This wanting is the absolute worst of all, because it's impossibility is frightening and powerful. But soon, this wanting becomes wishing and then becomes having. Your beautiful little dog will find her way back into a heart that's ready to keep her safe, inside, where you can never lose her again. It feels like she is gone forever - but I know that she is not. So let this grief live out its time, and be open to the possibility that there IS very much a life ahead of you that's every bit as worth living as the one you've had with her. Ahead of you there is light, you will find it, and you WILL go on. I promise you. Just not today - and that's how it should be. My heart breaks for you in these early days - but you are absolutely not alone. Not here.
Registered: 1498611382 Posts: 580
Aw, what a beauty.I feel your pain and wish you the best. Losing our babies is hard and they leave a big hole in our hearts. Yes the pain lessens but You'll always have hurt in your heart. Hold so very tight to the time you both shared. I wish I could have words to say to you that will make your hurt go away but sadly there are no words. I am still trying to move on with a different life without Termy too. I still cry and talk to him every night. He went to Bridge Sept. 18th and the pain is still there. Again I am so sorry.
Love and doggie hugs Termy's mom
Registered: 1512444830 Posts: 5
Foxy is sooooo cute. I am so very sorry for the pain you feel. My little lucky ( 3 lb Chihuahua) died 2 months ago. I still have crying spells out of nowhere. It does get easier with time. The pain fades away, sad feelings disappear and only good memories remain. It's just that these little sweeties are so innocent, cute and loving it is horrible pain when they go.
The one thing that helps me is knowing they go to a special place in heaven. All the little animals are together having fun. My dog Buddy and other departed dogs have appeared to me in my dreams to show me they only feel happiness - there are no feelings of loneliness or missing us. There is a special angel appointed to each of them, so know Foxy is being loved and is surrounded by many other little dogs.