This week will mark 1 month that my girl went to the Rainbow Bridge. Correct that, that I had to send my girl to the Rainbow Bridge.
I miss my girl so very much that I can’t even put it into words. She was always so happy - so much love coming from that soul. I absolutely, without a doubt, know how much she loved me. I could see it in her face when she would run to me and roll around the floor being the goof ball that she was. Did she know how much I loved her? How do I know?
One day, she was great. Her usually nutty self. Playing around and looking for treats. Overnight, she threw up a couple of times and, being older, I just thought she was having a bad day. That bad day never improved. Would things have changed if I had taken her into the vet earlier – would it have been a different outcome?
My girl was amazing – a miracle! We almost lost her twice when she was a pup and, the fighter she was, she pulled through. Did I make the decision too soon? Did I not give her the chance to fight this time? We were told it was pancreatitis. How does that happen overnight? Did I give up on my girl? Should I have given it a little more time?
I always felt so safe with my girl – no matter what! Even when she was afraid, with thunderstorms and fireworks, I knew she would give up her life for me! I was never afraid.
I miss that face in the window when I would come home - I still look for it every day. I still wish for her to be back every day – that this was all just a bad dream and she is just really laying on the couch. Kind of immature, isn’t it. Wishing for something I know that can’t ever be again. Knowing that although there are traces of her around the house, I will NEVER see my girl again in this lifetime. Calm to anger to despair and everything in between.
With all of the good intent, sayings such as “she is in your heart”, etc., are just empty words to me right now. Like bad greeting cards. I just want to scream “stop” with all of it because it doesn’t feel as if it offers any proof that she is anywhere, except not here! No signs, no visits, nothing.
My family deals with it much differently than I do and that is ok, I am glad for them. We got new puppies, and they are cute – crazy boys. To me, it feels like trying to replace her or that “now that this chapter is over, time to move on”. I feel like I have to carry the torch, so to speak, so she doesn’t ever feel like we replaced her that that my home isn’t her home any longer. I don’t want her to think that I will ever forget her. For some, it is out of sight, out of mind, and she deserves so much more than that.
She left on 12/12 – 12 days until Christmas – and she was 12. I hate that number! How did that time go so quickly! Believe me when I say I know I was blessed, but for now, that feels like a consolation prize.
I don’t know how to get through this, I don’t know how to pretend that everything is ok for the family so they don’t get mad when I just can’t smile. I just don’t know if she KNOWS how much I LOVE AND MISS her!!!!