Registered: 1587490891 Posts: 12
It's been a little over 3 months since my baby boy, Chevy, has crossed the rainbow bridge. I am overcome with grief and guilt. It was the hardest decision I've made in my life and will probably always be the hardest decision. The worst part is having to live with myself and the decision I made. The situation was far from ideal and I blame myself, for not trying hard enough.
I don't want to go too much into it, but I tried so many things. I tried fosters, to ask rescues and sanctuaries to take him, so he could still have a life...and in the end no one could help me. Chevy could be unpredictable (aggressive), even with training and medicine. His every move in public had to be handled with care and controlled. This doesn't help me feel less guilty. Despite being a difficult dog to handle he was still my boy. My little creature. He still loved his mommy. And I loved him so much. When I was with him, I was truly at peace. I can still see him, waiting for me on my bed. I can still hear his tail thumping on the ground, happy to see me. I can see him trying to get to me underneath the doggy gate, he couldn't wait to see his mommy. I can feel him, how his head fit perfectly in the nook of my hand. I can still feel how soft his fur was when I kissed him in between his eyes, you know? that little grove where their nose meets their forehead? I never wanted to live my life without him.He was beautiful, with his gorgeous red fur, and white paws. I miss the way he would dance with his front feet whenever he sat down. He could never sit still. I would have been content to just lay with him next to me for the rest of my life. I will never stop missing him or mourning his life. He meant so much to me, but I feel so guilty, so ashamed of my decision. So ashamed. Those close to me say, if it weren't for me, he would have died a long time ago, alone, in a shelter, abandoned for his issues. That I gave him a life and years of meaningful love. That there are worse ways to go than in peace, with your loved one. But I wish I could have done more, wish things could have been different. I hope he's not made at me. I hope he is happy. I wish he was still here. He would be lying down, next to me as a write this, he would be waiting to be told 'hims good boy, you're my good, sweet boy'. Despite his problems, he will always be my good, sweet boy. I love you, Chevy. Mommy, will always love you.
Registered: 1158205770 Posts: 844
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your words, filled with such love brought me to tears. Please don't feel guilty or ashamed, there is absolutely no reason for those feelings and Chevy would never want you to feel that way. He absolutely would not be mad at you. He would want you to remember all the good times you shared together, all the love and cuddles. It is heartbreaking losing someone we love with every beat of our hearts, no matter what the cause for our loss happens to be. These precious creatures enter our lives filling a space we never even realized was there, bringing us a love we weren't even aware was lacking. With a physical illness there are ways to ease or control pain, which is so often not possible with mental or emotional illness. I believe animals feel remorse but there is nothing they can do, there is something they can't control causing them to misbehave. They would never want to physically harm anyone, especially someone they love with their heart and soul. Chevy was your sweet good boy, he always will be. He knows you did everything you could to make his life a good one, giving him all the love and wonderful care a sweet good boy could ever dream of having. And you gave him the gift of peace, he is no longer tortured by his demons making him do things he didn't want to do. He is in a place filled with perfect peace and absolute love. And you are left with a life that feels so empty without him. But he will always be with you, in your heart loving you as he always has. And there will come a time when you will be together again never to part.
I too lost a good girl many years ago in the same situation and understand how you are feeling all too well. And I lost a sweet little girl three months ago due to kidney disease so I can honestly say three months is still early in our time of healing. I don't think it is possible for a time to come that we don't miss them but we learn to accept that we did our very best for them and there was never a moment that we did not love them and that they loved us in return. I will keep you in my thoughts and praying that your heart will find peace. I am sorry I did not respond to your post earlier, I did not see it until this morning. If you would like to correspond please send me an e-mail. Please take care my friend.