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mcrtnyfan

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Guilt, yes I'm feeling much guilt. My Old English Sheepdog had his 13th birthday on Monday, January 21st, by Friday January 25th I had to let him go.
He had been having hip and hind leg problems for the past several months. I tried dusequin, cosequin, some pet wellness tabs i saw on facebook, nothing worked. I had to hold his knees when he squated to pee, he had a hard time doing #2 to the point where his legs collapsed.
I called his Dr and she gave me something else to try. It seemed to work but didnt last long. I was pumping all this medication into him on top of his phenobarbital for his seizures that started when he was 8. He couldn't stand up and needed help and if he tried he would have accidents. He slept alot.
His Dr. Told me to bring him in the next day but i thought that this was the time where i had to let him go.
The dr tried to talk me into trying something else, it may work it may give him a few extra weeks or a couple of months and if that stopped working onto something else.
I didnt want to put him through that. Mac was a one of a kind dog, he was special, he was gentle, he was dufferent out of all the dogs i ever had even my first old english sheepdog Nana Martha.
But i had made the decision. He wasnt standing up straight and his legs were starting to face inward.
She tried to be Mac's voice but i made the decision. Should i have tried one more thing 2 more things? Thats what I'm thinking now and the guilt is eating me up inside.
I stayed with him as i did for my last OES. I should have stopped it right there and tried the next medication, but why to just wind up with the inevitable?
Mac was a special dog who will never be replaced. He followed me wherever i went, was happy to see me when i came home. We slept together face to face and i would hold his paw. I got him when he was 2 months old.
All thats gone now and i cant stop crying. He was my heart, he took my heart and I'm to the point where i don't want to live. I want to be with him.
This has just hit me the hardest out of all the dogs ive had.
Guilt, yes its killing me and i wish it would because i cant handle being without him.
Im glad i had a 13th birthday party for him, my family was there and they brought him gifts, i made him his special cake, everyone loved him because he was so special, kind, gentle.
Whats the use of being around now if i cant have him with me.
I loved him so much and must have told him that 100 times a day. I would whisper in his ear "dont ever get sick, dont ever leave me, we'll go together when the time comes". But the time came for him sooner then later.
I wish i could go back to Friday and try one more medication, but its too late. The guilt is definitely killing me.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #2 
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mac. Sounds like the two of you had a wonderful life together. I don't think you did the wrong thing by having your sweet Mac euthanized against your vet's opinion. I will tell you that out of many fur kids that have shared my life I always listened to my vets, two of those times to the detriment of two kitties. One was in kidney failure, the other had an incurable disease. I was taking them to the vet every two weeks. I saw they were failing and asked her to put them to sleep and with each she said it was not time. It was beyond time and they were suffering when I took them to another vet. You know Mac better than anyone, you saw his efforts just to go to the bathroom. I believe in listening to doctors but they can be wrong. Please don't feel guilt, you did nothing wrong. Let yourself grieve but know you did everything in your power to give Mac the kind of life everyone deserves, filled with love and joy. No one could ask for better than that.

Marsha
mcrtnyfan

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thank you for trying to make me feel better but this guilt i feel is so heavy on my heart. It just keeps running through my head that i should have at least tried one more thing. I feel like i gave up on him too soon. It was just another vet visit for him thinking he'd return home. I should have been there for him. I feel like i killed my beautiful boy. I wish i could take it all back. Ive watched so many videos of him walking normal, standing straight, running and he definitely wasn't doing that anymore but the decision was made hastily and i could just die and be happy knowing i cant feel this pain anymore. It hurts too much and i hate myself for the decision i made.
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #4 
Please, don't beat yourself up. What you did was for love. Your precious Mac was suffering and deep in your heart you know you did what was best for Mac. It was so unselfish. When we make the decision to let our Heart dogs go, we always second guess ourselves and beat ourselves up with the "what ifs" and I should haves". I did. I still feel some of the pain and guilt when I let Termy go almost 16 months ago. It gets easier as time passes but we never completely heal. Our hearts hurt and always will. I was suicidal when I let Termy go and wanted to be with him no matter but I know I wouldn't be reunited with him if I did. I need to finish my life's journey with out him, this is what he set me up for. You didn't kill your beautiful boy. You helped him end his suffering just as I did with Termy. We loved and were loved. Just be gentle with your self for one day you will remember the journey and not the last walk.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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