Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
Hi everyone, Monday, May 19 was my sweet Peanut's 11 month bridge day and ever since then that aweful achy emtpy feeling in my heart has just gotten worse. I miss her more than I can even express. Last night I curled up on my bed with her urn against my chest, how we used to snuggle like that when she was alve, and tried sooo hard to imagine what it felt like to hold her, smell her, nibble on those big soft brown floppy ears. For a split second I felt her but then it was gone and all I felt was a cold wooden box that I was wrapped around. When she was first diagnosed over 2 years before she passed with a lung tumor and we were initially told she only had 6 months at best to live I tried so hard to prepare myself for her passing then. I always knew it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to go thru because she was everything to me, I planned my life around her. Whenever I thought about her gone I got a horrible feeling in my stomach but I kept doing that to be prepared. That little dog just had a will to live, despite her ailments, despite having bad arthitus, then peeing all the time, and all the other things. She just kept going and going. She was a fighter and she just loved to be glued to me at all times. I remembered when we took her to that same specialist vet over a year after her first diagnosis she told me she was shocked that P was still alive and that she looked so darn good. Yes the tumor had grown but she looked so happy. She said whatever I was doing was working so to keep it up. There was another time about 4 months before P passed on that she had a bad fall and had trouble standing because she was so weak and my husband and I were SURE that the vet would say to put her down then but no they said give her some pain meds and she how she was in the morning and I can't tell you the total feeling of happiness I felt sitting in the back seat of the car holding her in my arms bringing her home that night. It was indescribable. I should be thankful we had another 4 months with her from that incident, she could have been gone then. But I just hurt in my heart all of the time. I have received so many blessings in my life but still I feel like a piece of me is missing, there is a void that is always there and that never can be filled. The guilt I have felt of putting her down when we did is still there as well but some days it eases a bit when I think of how she was and despite never giving up she had to have been in pain to some degree and logically how much longer could she really have lasted and would she have really suffered then if I had waited. It was done in a peaceful way and she was comfortable and my husband and I were with her. I would have hated to find her in the house passed away from falling and struggling to get up, which could very well have happened. It is hard to look at her pictures, her urn, all her favorite spots in my house, which were everywhere. My twins are now 17 months old and they love doggies.They see her picture and point to it and say "doggie" in these really high-pitched sweet voices. She used to snuggle up to them when they were babies I bet if she were still around she would have been soo good with them. Oh I dread the one year mark and Father's Day as that was two days before we put her to sleep last year on 6/19/07. I miss her and that is never going to go away. Will life ever get better and happiness return?
Thanks for listening. Karen
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
Sorry for your loss of Peanut. He's just adorable-that cute little face of his.When I was small, I grew up around a beagle (a neighbor's)--they're something special about beagles, to me.
I read, on your other post, about his food antics and I laughed out loud. They're mischievous, too, in a good way, I've heard. I hope it gets better for you. I'm sure he knows how much you'll always love him.
Registered: 1175993036 Posts: 440
I remember too well your story of your beloved Peanut. I can't believe your twins are 17 mos old now. How time flies. I can still feel the pain in your post and how I understand. I still miss my Jasmine terribly and it's been almost a year and a half. I can understand how you are dreading the one year mark. It's a hard one, that's for sure. I think like many of us here, whether our furbaby's passing is expected or not, at a young age or even old, it doesn't matter, the pain and loss is the same. We all loved them with our whole heart and they unselfishly loved us back the same way. How hard it is to lose that when they leave. I try to remember the good times and still cry at the not so good ones. I miss her always but try to believe she is still with me and part of my heart and will always be safe there. I have times that's not enough and how I long to hold her the way you want to hold your Peanut. Please know you are among friends here and we support you all the way. Sending hugs to you during this difficult time. JasminesMom (Kathy) Forever In My Heart Sweet Girl!!!!!
Registered: 1196453169 Posts: 1,415
Dear Karen-- I know how you feel. I'm so sorry for you and your loss of the cutest furbaby--Peanut. She was everything in your life like my Teddy was to me. I could have written those words myself. It's strange, this morning, as I was "talking" to her and telling her how much I missed her, I was thinking the same as you--that there's this void in my life, this empty feeling that will never go away. Oh how we wish to hold them again and cuddle with them. Everywhere I look something reminds me of her. Maybe it's because we took such good care of them and did everything for them, that the bonds are so strong and the love too deep to let go.
I wish there was an answer, but I highly doubt I'll ever find it. We must be grateful for this wonderful place where we all can understand the heartache and grief we endure when we lose such wonderful creatures. HAPPY 11-MONTH BRIDGE DAY, DEAR PEANUT. I hope that you are enjoying the party with all our furchildren and are happy and healthy again. Karen--I hope that you can find some peace in your life as I have been searching for some myself. Many hugs---Teddy's Mom
Registered: 1210885549 Posts: 45
Karen - my heart goes out to you, I am sorry for the loss of your baby. I feel your pain & loss. We wonder if it will ever get better. your post made me cry. i know, my heart hurts it was a week yesterday since i lost my precious Savanna having her 15+ years. You reminded me of myself all the years Savanna and i slept together curled up beside one another; i could always go the sleep and felt safe somehow when i settled next to her. its hard, last night i woke up at 2:30 crying and looking for her and the her side was bare. it is hard to take. we will rest assured that our babies are out of pain and are content. i believe with all my heart that my savanna and your baby is looking down at us and wanting us to know that they are okay now. How can our hearts not hurt?? Because we loved them so completely and in return we receive unselfish & consistant love. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless, Elaine / Savanna, my constant companion
Registered: 1194654202 Posts: 881
My heart is with you and I understand your pain. These anniversary dates are so debilatating. I feel like they kind of slam into us as a huge reminder that our precious ones are no longer with us..in the physical....where we need them to be. Peanut was your soul connection and please know that he doesn't judge you...we're the ones guilty of that. Peanut only and always knew your love. I'm curious..have you contacted an animal communicator? I'm planning on doing that soon. I've been reading several books by two of them...one is "Pets Tell the Truth" and the other is "Animals in Spirit". My thoughts are always with you and they are with everyone who enters this Site. I hope you find some peace. Many hugs, Donna
Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
Hi Donna, No I haven't ever considered that.. an animal communicator. I know there were a few others on here that have done that or attended seminars on it. If you do that please let me know what happens and if you have success. I find that so interesting and wonder if it really works.
Registered: 1211298031 Posts: 95
Dear Peanut's mom; I know your pain all too well, I am going through it right now. My Bennie has lymphoma and a huge lung tumor. He is on chemo. When I first discovered this site and wrote the other day, I was at my wits end. I thought his time had come to an end and today and yesterday he is doing well. It seems the chemo is helping a little, but I know it is just temporary. I feel your pain and share it. Please know that you are not alone. I know now that I am not. We are all with you. That moment you felt Peanut's warmth, she was with you trying to comfort you, even if just for a brief second.
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
I am so very sorry you are stuggling so with the loss of Peanut, but I totally understand it. I was just typing a post about my girl Betsy when I suddenly dissolved into sobs. Somehow (oh, how stupid of me!) I thought it would get easier with time, but I have found recently that I am missing her more now than I did the day she passed. I guess I was in shock then. There are just so many reminders of her everywhere. I am sure it is exactly the same with your precious Peanut. So, now I can clearly see that I will miss her and long for her every day of the rest of my life. I will continue to have these knock-me-flat waves of grief that hit out of nowhere. And, I will often have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is a daunting and frightening proposition, this life without Betsy. It is a bad deal....a nightmare that never ends. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so negative. I am just having a very rough week and I miss her like crazy. I know you can understand these feelings. So, my heart goes out to you. Bless you and your family. May you all be comforted by beautiful and gentle memories of your precious Peanut girl....and my her spirit be beside you every day of your life. Hugs and love, Melissa Betsy's forever mom
Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
I just want to thank all of you so much for reading and responding to my post on Peanut my sweet girl who I will forever miss. She was everything to me just as I know your furbabies meant the same to you and while I do not wish this grief and pain on anyone, it does help to know that others know exactly what I am going thru... the pain, the emptiness, the total void in my life. Has anyone heard that song by One Republic called "Apologize"? I love the song but everytime I hear it I feel like Peanut is singing it to me and the main lyric in the song is "Its too late to apologize, its too late" and I just keep thinking over and over again how she didn't want me to end her life then and that it is too late for me to feel bad about it because it is done and I can't take it back. See, here comes the guilt again just when I thought I was starting to get it under control. I think as humans we just have a knack for second guessing everything after the fact. I always knew it would hurt me to the core when she passed but NEVER could I have imagined it would hurt and affect me like it has this past year.
I am regressing here but again I just want to thank you all for your kindness and reaching out to me despite the pain and suffering you are experiencing as well. It means the world to me. Karen
Registered: 1189564584 Posts: 493
Oh Karen...I am sorry I didn't reply earlier. I have been so busy at work lately, that I am too tired to get on the computer when I get home, but like I told Georgeann, I always have my petloss family in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
I know your heartache, I still feel the same. Soon, it will be 9 months since Chiquita left us, and in July will be her 7th b-day. I still can't completely accept that she's gone, it seems like I am functioning but in a denial stage, still. Our hearts are broken forever, our babies will never be replaced. We love and will love other furbabies, but the special place that Peanut, Chiquita, Christopher, etc. have in our hearts, will remain theirs. Please know that even when I am not on the site, I still think about you, all of the furbabies and all of the wonderful people here. Sending you Many, Many Hugs, Annette Chiquita's Mom
Registered: 1205159567 Posts: 1,015
Dear Karen – It breaks my heart to hear you’re still grieving so deeply for your sweet P. I wish I could do or say something to help mend your broken heart. Your Peanut paid you that split second visit for a reason – to let you know that she’s o.k. I do believe our angels are always right there beside us . . . sometimes we just have to open our hearts just a little bit from the sadness to see and hear them. Please know we are all here for you. Sending you the very warmest of hugs tonight Karen. Rusty’s Mom.
Registered: 1160702030 Posts: 847
Dear Karen, You sound so much like myself, as at the eleven month mark is when I really went downhill. I read of how for many people it got better after the year mark, but for me it just got worse. You really did many things right to have her for two years after her diagnosis when she was not given nearly that. I know what joy you must have had bringing her home that time when you thought it might be time. I remember when Tweeny had a tumor removed in 2003 and how joyful she was when I set the carrier down in the living room and I opened the door. She just could not believe she was home again! She went around the living room in a circle twice, stopping to sniff each thing along her way. She was just so happy, and I was extremely blessed to have her for three more years, especially since the first two vet opinions didn’t sound hopeful, I’m glad I went for that third opinion. We do everything we can for them because of our deep love for them. Your beautiful Peanut had a very wonderful life for you and she will always be thankful for the love you have given her. Your heart is still hurting deeply and I wish you peace as you approach that one year mark. Much Love, Tweeny’s ma
Registered: 1207026279 Posts: 699
I've read your post several times and would have posted sooner but for being at a loss for words. I had climbed into your post and was living the whole thing with you, and my heart is aching with sadness for you. Looking at your sweet Peanut's picture of her laying in her little bed all curled up, well that brought me to tears. Everything you've written rings true and so familiar to me - you have written what I have found so difficult to express, I am often wordless. I hurt so much with you. I hope your Beloved Peanut will stay a little longer the next time you feel her near, and that she will let you know that she is OK. Hugs, Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever
Registered: 1211643021 Posts: 23
I hope my words can be of some consolation to you. I was up all night crying as I lost my beagle Barney 10 days ago. I was so drawn to your posts as your Peanut looks so much like mine, just lighter in color. The face and expression are the same. I want you to know that I envy the extra time you got to spend with Peanut. I found Barney on the road almost 13 years ago and he was a full grown adult then. He may have been 14-15. I don't know. To have 17 years is amazing. My vet says he has seen them live to 16 so Peanut lived a more than full life so you should have no regrets. I know why you do though...beagles ARE such fighters and I know mine had such a will to live...I neglected his health signs over the last six months, passing a lot of it off to "old age" and am inconsolable over that. In my other posts I will try to address that. I see that you did everything. You need to be so glad for that. It is so easy to feel like you "let them down". I know that Peanut was very sick but based on your posts, even her eyes must have still shown a spark which is what makes you question about giving her more time. That may be how beagles are....I want you to know that Barney still had that spark the night before he died...on his own. The vet sent him home with me on Tues with heart pills, but he would still not eat and I was giving him water by a dropper. Nothing Wed. That night I petted him and he looked at me the same way he always did. That is what makes it so hard. I planned on taking him in the next day to be put to sleep anyway as he wouldn't eat at all. I woke up to find he had died. So, please don't feel any guilt at all about your decision. You prevented more discomfort to Peanut. You prevented the ultimate shutdown that I witnessed Barney go through. Your pain and questioning is a tradeoff for the pain she didn't have to suffer IMO. You should be glad for that. I read with tears the wonderful life she had with you. Especially when you described sitting in the backseat and taking her home with you. You are so lucky to have had a second chance and I know she was just as filled with happiness that continued in those last months.
Registered: 1174875149 Posts: 2,245
I am so sorry that I missed your post until now. I have been having such a difficult time lately. The pain just never seems to end. It hits like a Tsunami. I know how much you miss Peanut and how much she miss you too. You gave her such a beautiful life and I know that you would have done anything to save her. Unfortunately like all of us, we get old and then it is time for us to leave. WE are so fortunate that God gave us these beautiful Angels to Love and Cherish Forever. Although the pain is overwhelming I would do it again without question. I know that you would too. Love is Forever, but so is the pain of loss. There is just nothing anyone can say to make this grief easier. I simply have no idea how you are dealing with this and trying to take care of 17 month old twins. It always breaks my heart when I read your Tributes to Peanut as I know how long you waited for your twins and now you must deal with this overwhelming grief. I know that I will miss Christopher every day for the rest of my life, just as you will miss Peanut. We are so fortunate that we all have each other as without our Petloss family I do not know what we would do. I am always here when you need me. You and Peanut are in my Prayers, Always. Love and Big Hugs Georgeann and Christopher Forever
Registered: 1165864486 Posts: 577
I am so sorry for your loss. I am going on a year and a half next month (still can't believe it) and lately I have been having a hard time. They say it comes in like waves. Sometimes I am a little bit ok and then I get smashed down for a while. It has been hard, so I feel for you and truly understand. Please know you are not alone.
So many hugs to you! Cindy Merry's mom
Registered: 1211851862 Posts: 8
I really know how you are feeling because my furbaby Ishy left this world this Memorial day. I went to her vet today to pay for her bill from last week and they already had her ashes. I will be curled around her wooden box tonight, you are not alone in your sadness. Maybe Peanut found her and they are curled up with each other missing us. Take care, Ishy's mom