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KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #1 
I made a terrible mistake and because of it my dog killed my 11 week old kitten on Monday.  In addition, I had to have my elderly ferret euthanized that same morning due to seizures but because of the loss of my sweet little kitten I can't even grieve for my beautiful Ava.  

I thought I could make a kitten work in our home, after all my dog would lay on the couch with my ferret and my husband at night.  I thought, just like my ferret,  "I'll never leave them alone" which I didn't.  I didn't let the kitten around the dog when he was eating.  My kitten trusted me and she died in a horrific manner right in front of me, I picked her up and held her while she died and I screamed, and I screamed and I screamed.  I can't stop crying, I barely can eat, I'm losing wt, I fall asleep and then awaken with every thing running through my mind "I should never have brought the kitten into my home, I should have put the dog up when the kitten was with me, I should have, I should have, I should have.  I see her sweet little face and I her sweet kitten mews.

I had just received a shipment that contained a new toy for my kitten, a plastic tower that had balls in it that the kitten could bat.  The dog was laying in his kennel which was around the corner for my couch and I set the toy on the floor, the kitten was with me, she jumped down and went under the couch.  My dog came around over by the new cat toy, I told him no and right then the kitten ran out and my dog violently grabbed the kitten and I couldn't do anything but pick her up after the attack and hold her and scream and cry.  My grief is immense.  My guild is immense.  On top of everything my daughter had acquired the kitten from a co-worker and had kept her a few days for me in the beginning and she is devastated.   The kitten trusted me and I let her down.

My husband loved the little kitten and loves our dog but he still doesn't deeply bond with animals like my daughter and I.  On top of it, I was the one who put the kitten at risk so he's trying to be sympathetic (not empathetic) but he doesn't get my level of grief because he says "in the end they are animals and unfortunately they do things like this."  He tells me not to blame myself but how can I not.  I so want to turn back time and fix it all but I can't.  
  We are telling people except for a few that we re-homed the kitten because so many people are judgemental.  Trust me, I have "learned my lesson."  I will never have another animal in my home with my dog.  My dog is a rescue, he was a year old when we adopted him and he has been very loving and kind with us.  Even though I know he, in fact, was just being an animal, I am not able to engage with him like normal because I am so sad, I'm not being mean, I give him a pet, I see to his needs but I'm just devastated.

Thank you for letting me express my grief.
DanC

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #2 
Hi KatKat

I’m so sorry for your loss and how everything transpired. I can only imagine partly what you are going through. However, the kitten was added to your household with all the best intentions and based upon your experiences with your dog. It is impossible for you know your dog would act this way, as you never experienced this behaviour. We don"t have the ability to verbally discuss the situation with everyone involved.

As someone once wrote in this forum, guilt is a liar. If knew this would happen that is a different story, but rather you were guided by your heart to provide a loving home for everyone. You had no control of the situation and the emotion of guilt is misleading you. However, we all seem to experience guilt as the pain is is deep we want to punish ourselves.

Once, so sorry for your loss.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #3 
Thank you for your kind words. 
LiLi007

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
KatKat :( I am so sorry. My condolences for both of your babies. I understand and appreciate your support. I have a love hate relationship with time. Always racing around the clock during life’s important moments but always standing still when our feelings face imprisonment. You couldn’t have known. We don’t plan for the inevitable. Our life is so filled with joy when we have our fur babies that the last thing we think about is them in harms way. We take every precaution to ensure their safety and accidents still happen. I understand your feelings towards your dog. It was the same with my son. I avoided him because I didn’t want to say anything hurtful. He knew I was in pain and he did his best to comfort me but I was numb. I know he was in pain and was facing his own guilt so I did not want to add to it. My appetite is barley coming back but not fully restored. When my baby was around I was always tired from work and school and when he left I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to sleep the pain away. I started to keep a journal and write to my baby as if he’s still present... recounting our best moments. Some pages are warped with tears. I make it a habit to write him when I feel down. It has helped some. I’ve asked him for forgiveness and often times, for him to visit in some way. I also understand your reasons of telling people she was re-homed. When I returned to work I cried by myself and someone noticed. My plan was to tell everyone it was a freak accident. Nothing more. Unfortunately, a coworker badgered me to tell him what the accident was and I was not ready to talk about it. I mean 10 minutes of trying to get it out of me UGH. I barely want to open emails because I’m not ready to see the reminders from the vet or groomers asking to book an appointment. I’ve kind of been buying all these memorial pieces trying to honor his memory which isn’t good but I can’t help it.

I’m not in a place to promise that things will get better but I hope they do for all of us. Always here for you.
LiLi007

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #5 
KatKat :( I am so sorry. My condolences for both of your babies. I understand and appreciate your support. I have a love hate relationship with time. Always racing around the clock during life’s important moments but always standing still when our feelings face imprisonment. You couldn’t have known. We don’t plan for the inevitable. Our life is so filled with joy when we have our fur babies that the last thing we think about is them in harms way. We take every precaution to ensure their safety and accidents still happen. I understand your feelings towards your dog. It was the same with my son. I avoided him because I didn’t want to say anything hurtful. He knew I was in pain and he did his best to comfort me but I was numb. I know he was in pain and was facing his own guilt so I did not want to add to it. My appetite is barley coming back but not fully restored. When my baby was around I was always tired from work and school and when he left I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to sleep the pain away. I started to keep a journal and write to my baby as if he’s still present... recounting our best moments. Some pages are warped with tears. I make it a habit to write him when I feel down. It has helped some. I’ve asked him for forgiveness and often times, for him to visit in some way. I also understand your reasons of telling people she was re-homed. When I returned to work I cried by myself and someone noticed. My plan was to tell everyone it was a freak accident. Nothing more. Unfortunately, a coworker badgered me to tell him what the accident was and I was not ready to talk about it. I mean 10 minutes of trying to get it out of me UGH. I barely want to open emails because I’m not ready to see the reminders from the vet or groomers asking to book an appointment. I’ve kind of been buying all these memorial pieces trying to honor his memory which isn’t good but I can’t help it.

I’m not in a place to promise that things will get better but I hope they do for all of us.
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