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Kuyateh

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Posts: 4
 #1 
My heart is broken and I feel like I will never recover. My Chihuahua, Pixxi, died this past Friday the day after Thanksgiving. I did everything possible to help her. She was in the animal hospital for only 3 days before she died. She had diabetes, pancreatitis and then pneumonia, which finally took her. I took out a loan for $5000. to give her the best treatment. But she left me. My heart feels ripped out. I cry all the time. I can't eat. My life is over. I want to die and be with her. She was my baby, my friend, my companion, my service dog. How do I go on??
seattlestown

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Posts: 6
 #2 
Right there with you ....Friday was the worst day. My sweet baby had to leave. Stupid cancer. Wayyyy too soon. My heart is broken...
VickyMJ

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Posts: 71
 #3 
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of Pixxi.

That’s how I described my loss of my lovely cat recently, like my heart had been ripped out. You are in such early days and the pain is so very raw for you.

I know it’s hard, but all you can do is give yourself time and the pain will lessen a little.

Take care and thinking of you xx
diegowithoutfrida

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Posts: 4
 #4 
I'm so sorry.  I also lost my sweet chihuahua on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  I know how you feel.  It's terrible.  
Fionasmum

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Posts: 730
 #5 
I am so very sorry you've lost your beloved little Pixxi.  The worst thing that could ever happen has happened, and you are lost, broken.  

Kuyateh, nothing can bring your beloved Pixxi back to you any more than my little dog can be restored to me.  The reality, the permanence of this, is utterly breathtaking - you cannot comprehend what has happened, if it's real, and how you're supposed to just 'go on' like everything is still normal.  Nothing is normal right now.  Not you, not your environment, not your heart, not your future.  In your current way of thinking, all of it is gone, along with your identity and your 'normal' life. And you just want her back, please god let me just have her back and let all of this stop because my life has changed too much, too profoundly, and to fast for me to make sense of.   

Having just happened this past Friday, there is absolutely no way to even start to understand if there is a future or how to think of a life where Pixxi is not at your side.  Impossible.  It's not something you ever imagined, and certainly not something you could have prepared for in a million years.  

So Kuyateh, please feel my hand in yours as I try to reach you through this deep dark grief you find yourself in.  I know exactly how you feel, and I care very much about you.

First, it's important to understand that Pixxi does NOT share these awful feelings of loss or despair.  She only knows that she is free from the pain, invasive procedures, and any suffering she endured as a result of her illnesses.  She knows that she spent her life in the company of a person who would have moved heaven and earth to keep her.  She loved her life, with you, and she takes all that love and this connection forever.  This pain is YOURS, not hers, and if you're the parent I think you are then that is some small measure of comfort.  She does not feel what you feel - and you would rather suffer than let Pixxi feel this pain.

Next, I truly wish that I could tell you how to 'cope' with this, as if there's a real way to do that.  Give you some goals or some tips or some dates or some sage advice.  But I cannot. You've never lost her before, and you have literally no foundation or experience that could ever prepare you.  This grief has no timetable, no calendar, no clock that keeps track of where you're supposed to be or how you're supposed to feel.  It's a terribly lonely, isolating and terrifying feeling because it is so hopeless - you cannot go back to last week, and you cannot rewind this.  I was right there, where you are, sure I would never feel anything remotely enjoyable ever again, and that I would be doomed to feel this exact way forever, for I could see nothing in front of me but endless despair and sadness.  I sense that's exactly how you're feeling at this moment.  Wanting to scream, to collapse, to stop the world from turning.  

All I know is that at some point, and there is no date I can offer you, your thoughts of hopeless despair change with an almost subtle rhythm.  For just one minute in an entire day, you'll find yourself not obsessing about her, only to crash back down into floods of tears and physical pain at the very thought of her.  The next day, it is only her, for 24 hours, and this pain. But each day changes, becoming something less raw, less powerful.  I know that some people say time heals, but in my opinion no amount of time can heal - for no amount of time passing will bring Pixxi back.  But what DOES change is you - when you find yourself smiling and remembering what it was like to HAVE Pixxi instead of torturing yourself with thoughts of what it is to lose her.  It just happens, gradually and oh so slowly, till the weight of her loss is gone from your shoulders and you allow the light of her life to take its place in your heart - where she is alive and full of the joy she brought to your heart.  Because then, in your heart, you cannot lose her, and you will never lose her again - she is safe.

I promise you with all my heart that this despair, this terrible wanting, changes to different thoughts, different ways of seeing her life and her loss - all of it at a pace you can manage, and with the love you share with her close to the surface.  Some days are a little bit brighter, many more are terrible and miserable, but ultimately all of this grief leads you to place and a future where you have peace again.  Right now, you're in shock, with disbelief at what has happened.  The shock wears off, and you feel this intensity of pain.  Then you feel shock again.  Then nothing.  Then grief.  Then guilt. Then you find you've been distracted and haven't though about Pixie for 5 minutes.  Then more guilt.  The you find yourself making a plan for next week.  Then a terrible night.  All of this is possible - and all of it happens to each of us as we grieve. No roller coaster comes close to the wild ride of this grief.  And there is no way to predict what will happen and when - but you WILL get through this, I promise you that you will.   

You've probably gone through much of your life without Pixxi in it - and you lived, you laughed, you cried, you had ups and downs, you had family and friends and you thought your life was probably just fine, thank you very much, as most of us do.  Connecting to the idea that you had a life before you knew Pixxi, while it might feel impossible right now, is the beginning of connecting to the possibility that there is a life AFTER Pixxi.  Not the same life you shared with her, but that doesn't mean it won't be equally as good as life was before Pixxi. But right now, that's not want you can hear or understand, because all you want is her - now, and forever.  

Finally, I know that Pixxi did not exist to leave a legacy of longing and despair.  She would want to be associated with warmth, joy, love and happiness - for those are the real qualities that defined her relationship with you.  It will happen, just not today, or tomorrow.  But soon, I promise.  She didn't leave you - she is here, now, with you, inside you.  

Today is one of the bad days Kuyateh.  There will be others, and there will also be good days, better days. But, oh, I know what you want and how badly you want it - I truly do.  And my heart breaks for you.  But you're absolutely not alone, not here.  Be kind to yourself, and allow this grief to wash over you - for Pixxi is worth that and so much more. You won't stay in this place - the light of her love is more powerful, more real, and it's that light that will guide you out of the darkness. My heart goes out to you.  
Kuyateh

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
I still can't eat and all I want to do is sleep. When I sleep I don't feel the pain. Pixxi's daughter won't leave my side. But even that doesn't comfort me very much.

I have another Chihuahua that is expecting a litter any day. So I think maybe I can love one of those babies. But no. If I do I feel like I am replacing Pixxi and just pushing her aside like she is nothing. But she wasn't nothing she was my everything.

Am I losing my mind? If not it sure feels like it.
Kuyateh

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Posts: 4
 #7 
Fionasmum you said it perfectly.
Amaria

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Posts: 5
 #8 
Fionasmum, I know this wasn't intended for me but thank you for taking time to write that! Its been a week since I lost my boy and I just feel so so alone. Kuyateh, I am so truly sorry for your loss. Mines too was my whole world for 13 years, I'm lost without him. The pain is unbearable. I want my little soul mate back more than anything. I guess none of this is particularly helpful to you, I'm devastated as you are. It's hard to see how to make it through this right now. I'm sorry.
Kuyateh

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #9 
Amaria I feel for you. I really do. It isn't fair that we have to lose our babies. In about 10 hours it will be a week since I lost Pixxi. I try to keep my mind busy but I still hurt and grieve.

So,Amaria, I understand how you must feel. It hurts. It hurts so bad you don't believe that you can live through it. It feels like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. They say 'time heals all wounds'. But they don't tell you about the scar that wound will leave on your​ heart.

This is a wonderful site. I praise God for leading me to this site to help me as well as others.
Kuyateh

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #10 
It's been almost two months now since I lost my baby Pixxi. I am not doing any better. I cry at unexpected times and cry myself to sleep every night. (crying right now)

Certain places I can't go because it stirs up the memories of when Pixxi and I use to go there. I haven't been able to go out anywhere except for the couple of times I went grocery shopping. That was hard for me.

Now new thoughts decide to haunt me. I had Pixxi cremated and she is by my bed BUT I feel guilty for cremating her. She was so beautiful and that beauty I had burnt up. I feel like I did something terribly wrong. My heart is breaking all over again.

I have PTSD with terrible nightmares. Pixxi, besides being my best friend, was my service dog. Now I feel so alone. I have a household full of pets but I am so very alone without my Pixxi.
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