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KekeGrammy

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Posts: 10
 #1 
 My daughter cat Keke died in my arms August 13, 2018 @ 2:20am. I loved her so very much. She had been healthy and happy until she developed a saddle thrombus on August 8. This precious girl was my soulmate and a love of a lifetime. She had turned 15 on May 4. She was a lovely talkative calico who was such a cuddler. She slept in my bed and I was never lonely. We were each other's comfort animal. The night she developed the thrombus I took her to a speciality vet hospital and tried everything to save her to no avail. I feel guilty because I put her through all the medical care. If only I had known the outcome I would have done things differently . She was a constant in my life and such a perfect friend and companion. My life is empty and hollow now. I have to see her pictures and videos, hear her meow several times a day. I just have to have her in my life.  I miss her terribly. My heart is shredded. She was amazing. I realized during our time together that our relationship was magical. I dreaded her death. I am grieving now but can't cope with her loss.
How can I live without Keke? It feels wrong and very lonely.

I wrote the text above in August shortly after Keke passed. Today is October 7.
It was so wrong for Keke to die. She was loved, so wanted and needed. Her face is more familiar to me then my own. She was my perpetual precious child. Happy to give and receive love. Forgave me always.. And quickly. I have lost my best friend.
I have my human family, and that is wonderful. But I am alone in this bedroom where we cuddled, where she was by my side after every on of my surgeries, and also where she died in my.arms. Lonely and grieving my Keke.
I guess I thought if I loved her enough she would always be with me. I Thanked God for her every day andvthat her lifespan would be longer. It just feels incomplete and surreal without her. I thought God knew how much I loved her and needed her. I told him daily. I am tired of this life without her. She gave me love... Always love. I want to be with my Keke. She loves and needs me. Is she ok now? Where is she? Who is taking care of hrr? She misses me as much as I miss her... I know this.  Why were we pulled apart?  My true love is not in this empty, lonely room. I feel that she is not far away, within my reach,  just not here now...not in this life anymore.
Mondo

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Posts: 994
 #2 
I lost my boys in 2013 and 2014.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It's life changing, soul crushing, earth shattering.  Pain unlike I ever felt when Tuffy passed in 2014.  Lost my folks in each of the previous years before, and they were my hardest until then.  

My feelings after Tuffy and Toby left are echoed by your words.  

She is not far away.  She is in your heart.  Her presence can be felt.  A piece of your heart went with her, but, a piece of her heart stayed with you.  Until you meet again.


KekeGrammy

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Posts: 10
 #3 
Thank you for your post. Most people I talk to don't understand. They think I should be over her death by now. I loved her as a daughter. A perpetual child who needed me to care for her...and I needed her to care for me.
I have two human daughters and had a son who died as an infant. That grief was real. This grief is just as profoundly real. Love is love..it knows no difference between species. Losing Keke after 15 amazing years together is the stuff of nightmares. She was my comfort animal and I was hers.
It feels hopeless, but your kind words provide a possible future with my Keke. Our souls and hearts are joined. Love like our just can't dissipate with death. I pray this is so. The thought of never seeing her again is a soul crusher.
grievingmom

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Posts: 640
 #4 
You thought if you loved her enough it would keep her alive. I felt the same about Emerald. She had a stroke right in front of me. I saw the saddle thrombosis happening in the living room. The walking in a circle. I called the vet who said not to worry about it and gave the unprofessional reply" Maybe she was walking in circles because the lighting in the living room is dim". Circling as it is called is what happens with saddle thrombosis.  She died a few hours later at about 1:30 am in  a pitch black apartment except for a night light. I was holding her as she screamed for her life and gasped for air.


>>>>How can I live without Keke? It feels wrong and very lonely.<<<< You will live without her. Just like people who lose a limb do 'go on'. The the 'going on" is hellish. Yeah, you will live? But will you have quality of life? That's up to you. How you spend your time if going to be your decision. It has taken me years to even begin to rebuild my life with her.

>>>>Is she ok now? Where is she? Who is taking care of hrr?<<<<<

I have suffered because of these thoughts. She was my daughter, I was her protector. I didn't give people permission to hold her, to pick her up, etc. I watched out for her. And then in the blink of an eye she is taken from me. Who took her. What are they doing to her. Is she hungry, is she crying. Is she being abused? 

- Stephanie
KekeGrammy

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Posts: 10
 #5 
Oh Stephanie, I was also holding my Keke as she died, gasping for breath as well. It haunts me. I just can't get that image and pain out of my mind. I spent all her life keeping her healthy.. And then she died in my arms. I was her protector... It was contrary to past efforts.
PoisonIvy

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Posts: 60
 #6 
I have struggled with similar thoughts and feelings since my dog died last Wednesday.  He was already a senior (11 years old) when I adopted him, in March, and then I found out only two days later that he had cancer.  So the entire time I had him I wasn't just his mom but also his caregiver.  So when his health declined suddenly last week and I had to make the euthanasia decision, I felt as though I had messed up.  I acknowledge that there are many worse things than the unexpected and quick death of a dog suffering great pain from a fracture caused by the spread of cancer, but still....
KekeGrammy

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #7 
In your case, your dog, but it is all the same. Love knows no species.

"Nevertheless, at the moment my cat died, her loss was the very worst kind of grief for me in the whole world . . . Never apologize for grieving. Remind yourself as often as needed that the very worst kind of loss is always yours. Learn to acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief . . ."
       
     ~Bob Deits, Life After Loss
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