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SarahD

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Posts: 5
 #1 
I lost my 12 year old dog Dash to a spleen tumor (Hemangiosarcoma) in July. It was and is still devastating. He was the only good thing I had in my life and without him it is so hard.

I have agoraphobia, which means I rarely leave my house and suffer from major anxiety. Dash's love and spirit and need to go for walks was the only thing that broke me from my cycle and made me go out and interact with the world, in what minor ways I did. I couldn't hold him back because of my issues, so I brought him out 4 times a day and let him say hello to everyone he met cuz he was that kind of guy and it made him happy even though it made me uncomfortable.

He was my best friend and main focus; I always chatted away to him and doted on him like he was a child, and being a Jack Russell mix, he was very smart and interacted on a high mental level. His other breed half was a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, which made him very cuddly and emotionally attached. We were a pair. Everything was about Dash.

Now without him, I dont sleep at night. Literally, I am wide awake until about 6 am even with anxiety medication. I feel like when I'm awake and alone with my thoughts, I cant help but go over everything in my mind and have thoughts that by deciding to put him to sleep, I killed him. Even though I know its irrational, was told by two vets that it was an impossible situation and incurable, and he was actively dying at the point I had him euthanized, I cant stop blaming myself and questioning what I did. I even have dreams where he is alive but the vets took him and cured him and just shrug and tell me that I didn't care enough to save him so they stepped in and did, and they are keeping him because I just wrote him off.

We had 10 days between his diagnosis and when he was put to sleep, so it wasn't an overnight thing, even though it seemed so. I had time to reconcile that I was losing him. I had time to make those his most spoiled and loved upon days. I've read about the disease and that its impossible, and vets particularly hate these insidious tumors because they are so bad and incurable.

But I cant get over it. I dont move on. Things dont get easier. I just feel his loss more as time goes on. Its sunk in that I will never have him in my life again and I just blame myself.

I'm sorry this is so long and mental. I feel like my family does not understand the extent of grief and I needed to express somewhere. Thank you for letting me share in this space.

Sarah

cosesmom

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Posts: 580
 #2 
Oh, Sarah!
You are not alone in your grief. We all experience these kind of thoughts. I know I did. I understand that Dash was more like a therapy dog for you and gave you a reason to face the world. Thank you for coming here to get the support you are seeking. I know what you mean about your family not understanding. I don't share my heart ache with anyone but the people I meet here.
For the first six months after letting my heart dog, Termy (short for Terminator) go, I was suicidal. I didn't want to live without him. I wanted to be with him and told him through tears that I was coming to wait for me. But I read a book that made me understand that I couldn't do that. I had to stay here because my mission in life wasn't completed. So here I am missing Termy everyday for the last 15 months. I too felt as if I killed him and I had no right to take his life. But I believe that you and I both couldn't and wouldn't let Dash and Termy suffer. We did what we did out of love and because we cherished them to the ends of earth.
Please, stop blaming yourself. You will see Dash again but not in this world for he waits for you at the Bridge. Dash is still around you, guiding and protecting you as he always did. You have to believe that. It gives us hope that we will see them again because if there wasn't a doggie heaven we wouldn't have anything to believe in. Ask Dash for a sign and he will send you one to let you know he is still there, beside you. Dash sounds like a wonderful companion. He was lucky to have had you to love as you were lucky to have had him to love. Be gentle with your self. Dash doesn't blame you for letting him go and you shouldn't either. You came to the right place, here you will find the support and understanding that will help you.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
SarahD

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #3 
Thank you. I do know Dash would never blame me. I just think it is not natural to our senses to end another life (even though of course we have to keep them from suffering) and that's where the guilt and feeling of killing comes from.

He does send me signs. I added to the thread below about them. I'm very grateful for that.

I'm sorry for what you went through. I have been in that place but didn't want to sound in my original post like I was crying out or acting out on those feelings.
HeartsickII

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #4 
Oh, Sarah, Sweetie...it is that way for all of us ... the questioning ourselves after what really is our unselfish and heartfelt decision....but, truth is you did the best thing you could do for your beloved Dash. It is always so hard but incredibly unselfish to let them go when it is time. I truly believe that they wait for us at Rainbow Bridge, I really do, and that they are healthy now and running and playing until we meet up,again. I now how hard this is for you right now, the journey of grief a rough one, but trust me, you did the best thing you could do.
SarahD

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #5 
Thank you both and I'm sorry everyone here has gone through such terribly similar experiences. I was going to kill myself right before Christmas, but that day my nephew made a surprise trip home from the military, and of course I couldn't do it then. It made me reevaluate and I just try to keep telling myself how it would impact my nephews, who I helped raise. I do have a history of suicides in my family, so I do know. I just want so badly to be with Dash again.

I dont want anyone to freak out and think this is me threatening to do it. I have been looking at a help chat but it's so hard to gather my thoughts in real time. I feel like my brain has unravelled with all this grief and no sleep. I wish I could stop fighting myself and guilting myself. I know it was out of love that I ended his life but I cant stop beating myself up for it.

It does help to share here, so much. Thanks for listening and understanding.
SarahD

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #6 
Yes. Thank you for the reinforcement. They have a chat link that you can use now too for a one on one. I've been trying to muster the strength to reach out there. My agoraphobia makes it really difficult to use the phone.

Getting support here and the knowledge that this level of grief isn't uncommon has really helped.
Trishataz78

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #7 
I lost my best friend of 14 years 2 days before Christmas and have cried...sobbed daily. I read that losing a pet is actually more painful than losing a human in your life in many ways because they always love you and never judge you they are always happy to see you and never treat you with anything but total love. So you are not wrong to feel devastated. You need to seek professional counseling tho and I only say this because you sound like youโ€™re struggling. My prayers go with you and I pray you try to do the right thing for yourself...your fur baby would want you to be happy.๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•
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