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Posts: 28
Hello all,

Friday the 7th I had to put to sleep my cat Nani, 10 years young. 

Throughout the winter I had noticed she was loosing weight, but as I am at home due to bad health issues and constantly around them, it didn't really seem that bad as she was eating like a champion. She always took first dips at the food eating out of two bowls and only after she was finished would her big brother be allowed to eat. Money has been tight the last years as I am on disability payments, but I always gave them all the food they wanted. Even to the point I had to throw away half of their food in their bowls cause they wanted it fresh out of the package.

When she was 4, she had surgery on her left hind leg because she had her ligaments (I am not English speaking so fogive bad spelling) torn. She was in agony and I took her to the vets. They gave me the options available, which were amputation or surgery to put a cable in to replace the ligament. The surgery was 600euro's (675$), amputation was cheaper. I chose the surgery even though I had to get a small loan for the money. I felt I owed my little one that as her father.

Ever since then, even though she recovered wonderfully and had full mobility back, she didn't like me picking her up anymore to cuddle. So I didn't anymore because I didn't want to hurt her. Only picked her up to go to the vets 3 years ago because she was hurting again in her leg. They noticed she had a lot of artritis (RX was done,which was normal they said due to the surgery, and with some pain relief it should not be a problem). The vet had stretched her leg to examine, and we got back home it was if all the pain had gone again. It was amazing. I called the vet immediately and he said it was possible that the stretching had moved the cable a bit to give less pain. I was sooo happy.
Picking her up was big no no still though.

I have had 6 spinal surgeries throughout the last 7 years, 3 in the lower back and 3 in the neck and i KNOW what pain is. I live in pain every single day. Every time I was in hospital I could think of but one thing: my two babies were alone at home. I always pushed the surgeon to release me from hospital sooner so I could go home and be with them. I live alone, my two babies all the company I needed. My mother went to feed them 2 times a day, so she knew my cats even though my big cat is scared of other people and hides. 

So throughout the winter, even though she lost weight I always thought 'she's a fighter, she'll get better. She's been through worse.' I was lazy and didn't want to stress her to go the vet as my regular vet had closed their practice, and I didn't know of another good one.
A month and a half ago my mother dropped by, and as always Nani was eager to come say hi, loudly ;). My mother immediately said that she was way too skinny. I knew deep down, but I didn't have the money to go the vet. I had received a letter from the bank letting me know they would close my accounts in two months time if I didn't repay my debts in full (4,200$). Not being able to work and living of a disability payment I just didn't have the money. But I made the decission to not care, and go anyways and just put myself more in debt and deal with it later.

I got to the new vet and they were so wonderful. The immediate diagnosis they made was possible renal failure. They took blood and urine and I would have to come back the next day. The next day two vets went over the results with me and it didn't look too good. Even though the suspicion of renal failure wasn't confirmed, her results were still way high. Due to her weight (she had come down from 4,9kg to 2,2kg) the results were alarming. She also had very low red blood cell count, 26% and I was told that if it dropped below 20% it was life threathening. They couldn't find an obvious explanation for that so asked me if I wanted to do more tests to rule out certain things. I agreed. She was Coombs positive (her body attacked her own red blood cells). She also had an infection somewhere as shown by high white blood cells. They asked me if they could do an X-ray and ultrasound. Again I agreed. 

They noticed a blatter infection, but her kidneys looked to be ok so far. Then the vet noticed a lump on het intestines and my heart dropped through the floor. My mother has gone through breastcancer, my grandmother and aunt both died due to cancer. I was lost.

The vet told me she wasn't 100% sure, but I could tell from her eyes she wanted to give me some hope. After the exam, she told me that chemo would be possible, but that it would be risky seeing her current state. We would try to combat her infection first with anti-biotics. She hated pills and liquid ones so tried my best to get her to eat it all. She seemed to get better, she had to urinate way less and drank way less water. She seemed a bit better. I was still not happy though, so two weeks later we went back, took another blood test and when that got back the vet told me that if he hadn't seen her, he would have said the test was really good. But he had seen her, so we decided to go for a second round of antibiotics and some steroids. 

Two weeks ago it was as if she was back to her normal self. Running around, bossing her brother around and letting me know from every corner from the house she was there. I was sooo happy. We had a wonderful week. She even went out for a night, something she hadn't done for years! (her brother does it often). Then last week, I noticed her eyes were dilated, she was walking around as if drunk and in slow short steps. Sitting down and looking around but not noticing anything. She did kept eating though, very well even. But then she started drinking a lot again, started to have litter accidents around the house. She walked around with her hind legs spread apart as if she wanted to avoide pressure on her bowels. I knew at that point, it wasn't good.

She still wanted to come sleep in my lap, give me a bath by licking, so I kept hope. Thursday night she jumped on my desk whilst I was behind the computer and looked at me in a way that broke my heart. I spoke to her asking if she had had enough and she sighed and huddled next to me. I made the apointment for the next day, crying for hours till I got to the vet at 3pm the next day. I knew I had to keep my promise to her when I got her and her brother, to not let them suffer when it came to that point. I discussed it with the vet whilst she was walking around the office, looking fine. The vet told me that that was the difficulty with cats and diagnosing them: the stress of being somewhere unknown perks them up and they show even less. She meowed, looking outside and bumped her little heaad against the window. Vet told me it was not good that she seemed to be loosing her sight. I then made the decission, enough was enough, and she didn't deserve to be in pain. She had had enough pain with her leg, now the renal failure and possible cancer ... 

I stayed with her whilst she was sedated, then they injected her to put her to sleep, and then she slept in peace. No more pain, I told her it was ok to let go, it was ok she wouldn't be in pain anymore and that I was soooooo sorry I hadn't acted sooner to see what was wrong. I kissed her little head one last time but couldn't stay longer. She was to be cremated, I don't have a garden else I would have buried her there.

Her brother is confused the last few days, not understanding where she is. Right now is still looking around, perking his ears up at every little sound like I am, hoping to see her walk down the stairs or come meowing for attention.

I live alone, have nobody to talk to but for my big boy Nikki, so I apologise making such a long post. Having read the stories of others the last days it felt good and warming to see the love and understanding on this forum. I needed to write it down, to tell her story, to let her know just how much I loved her.

Play free without pain Nani, you deserve to be in the rainbow garden. Your brother Nikki and me will never forget you.


Posts: 171
I'm sorry for your loss of your sweet Nani, you did everything you could to take care of her.  It's obvious how much you loved her and your writing tells Nani's brave fight.  Please do not apologize for the length of your post, writing about your experience can help you with your grief.  Please continue to reach out, you are not alone here.  We all have loved and lost a pet(s) and we are here for you.  My thoughts are with you.

Posts: 28
Thank you KatKat.

I have been wanting to reply to your story but couldn't find the right words, I am sorry for your loss as well.

It is true I find comfort in talking about her. I started talking to her picture yesterday which helped a lot. I spoke with some friends lengthy about her, even if they didn't know her and they were so understanding.

One of the hardest part right now is that Nikki still looks for her. I distract him by playing with him which we can do now freely without Nani coming to stop us. It's bittersweet, but it is comforting he and I are still here.

I will have to take him to the vet though because I want to have him checked up to know he is ok should in the coming days he mourn too much. That will be hard, knowing I walked in there the last time to leave Nani behind.

I have cried for the loss of loved ones, I have cried for relationship breakups, but it has never hurt as much as it does for the loss of my Nani. I always knew this day would come eventually but you are never prepared.

My mother told me an interesting fact when I told her that two weeks ago she seemed so good. My mother has had to say goodbye to many relatives, including my older sister I never got to know, so I believe her when she said: 'she had a good week, as many people do before the end. They have a moment they become better, as if nothing was wrong. I've seen it many times and then they decline rapidly. Hold on to that memory when she acted as if nothing was wrong, because it's the best memory you will have. It is also your sign you did the right thing, no matter what.'

So I try to remember that week, not the last week.

Thank you again for replying.

Posts: 28
Today I had to go get catfood for my big monster Nikki and some toys I promised so he could keep busy and get some new scents that would not have Nani's scent on it. 

I nearly broke down in the shop realising it was the first time I was getting food that was not for her as well, first time in 10 years. I also felt so bad that Nikki was alone at home now. In the last 10 years I've only ever been away from home more than a night was when I was in hospital. I just realised how many times I turned down invitations from friends to go away for a weekend. I even turned my parents down for special occassions for weekend away with the entire family, blaming my bad back.

We've been spending quite some quality time together, Nikki and me. He's still searching the house or looking at spots where she usualy was. It hit me that since her leg surgery, she had become what you could call a couch potato (just like me haha) but that Nikki was always an active cat. Whenever he got too energised she would come to him as if to say 'hey, tune it down'. Now, he looks confused when that doesn't happen.

I got a waterfountain as people told me it can invite cats to drink more. Thinking 'why didn't I think of this before' I got one in the shop and when I got home and unboxed it, I realised I DID get this before but that neither of them ever drank from it. 

I am releived that I managed to give my little one the chance to have no more pain, but  I still feel sad she isn't here to give those little licks that sometimes annoyed me. Sleep tight little one, we're there with you and you with us here.


Posts: 28
Hello you crazy little one,

A week ago today around the time I am writing this, you came down from the attic and tried to jump on the couch and then lay down on my chest. You didn't have the strength really, but you still managed. You set down on my chest legs tucked under you and wanted to lick my hand, but you only managed a few licks. I stroked you over your back and I could feel your bones sticking through, despite all our efforts and medications you were losing more weight.

You had eaten that afternoon but since then didn't even come downstairs when I put out supper for you and your brother. You looked so tired sitting there on my chest and my heart broke. I knew ... I knew time was nearly over.

I tried to give a liquid snack in the hope you would eat that and you gave it a few licks, more to please me than for yourself. I knew ... I knew time was nearly over.

Later that night you jumped onto my desk whilst I was behind the computer and I asked you if you had had enough and you sighed, tucked your little paws under you and sat there next to my arm whilst I made the appointment online for the vet the next day. I knew ... i knew time was nearly over.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me little one, tomorrow is the day I had to let you go a week ago. Tomorrow is the day that time was over ...

Posts: 3
You're in my thoughts. You're not alone

Posts: 28
Well my little one,

Friday was hard, very hard and I spent most of the day in tears. I perk up my ears when I hear something thinking it is you that is coming to me. I miss you on my lap when I'm on the couch and just can't find the energy to do anything.

Your brother Nikki is lost in the house though without you. He seems ok that you are no longer here and if anything he's blossomed in a playful way. I am not angry with him for that, I am happy that he doesn't cry for you anymore but it has made me realise that Nikki needs a companion.

I can't play with him as I should, you know I never really did that, it's just too painful physically for me. So I have decided we will look for a companion for him. They will never ever replace you and I'll love you always, but I do not want Nikki to waste away. Besides, he needs to be more active because he is getting fatter by the day from all the spoiling I'm doing.

I've said my goodbyes to you little one, and I think the positive energy I've been feeling is you giving me that sign that it is all ok, I'll never forget you, I'll never forget our 'talks' we so often had.

Be well Nani, and go play with your friends on those fields beyond the rainbow bridge, I want you to be happy.

Posts: 28
Today was another hard day. Had to go to the vet with Nikki, Nani's brother. I was seen by the vet who put Nani to sleep in the same room. I already had it hard going inside the building, but then the same room just opened the flood gates.

There are 4 vets there, and the three that I saw all said the same thing to me: you made the right choice for Nani. If you would have waited longer she would have just suffered longer. So that did comfort me a bit but nevertheless it brought back the picture of Nani laying on the table, asleep ... gone ...

Good news though is that Nikki was found very healthy, except his teeth for which he will go next week to have them cleaned. Once that is done, I will hopefully be able to get a companion for him so he can play more.

It's still so many days of new 'firsts'. I still catch myself thinking about stuff Nani was usually there for. I bought meat in the shop without thinking about it and when I picked it up I thought 'Nani loved this meat' ... and it is with so many things that suddenly you realise 10 years have gone by so fast.

We'll get there, and I'll see all my cats again at some point, of that I am convinced.

Posts: 28
I am so sorry my little lady, but the goldfish you loved to watch died today. It has brought back all the memories of you watching him and talking to him. I miss you so much and even if I don't cry every day, days like this just make it all the harder.

Your brother misses you as well and he is so bored without you, I am lost in the house as well because I don't hear you talking to me anymore. You used to drive me crazy with your talks sometimes but I would give anything right now to hear you again.

I know nothing could be done for you and it was the best thing to do but ... I feel guilty for having put you to sleep. I am so so sorry my little one ... I miss you so much I don't know I would do should anything happen to your brother.

Nikki will have his teeth cleaned Thursday and I'm afraid something will happen to him. I know I'm crazy thinking that but I just can't shake the feeling of. I know you would be waiting for him but I would rather have you both here.

I will never be able to explain what you and your brother mean to me ... but you know you were the world to me for 10 years. I miss you ...

Posts: 28
It's been four weeks now my little Nani, 4 weeks that have been empty. I have been dealing ok so far but as I type this the tears start again ... I miss your talks so much my little one.

Nikki is doing fine though he is not too happy I got a rescue cat to keep him happy. She is as energetic as you were and I think he was getting used to being at ease. He's not aggressive towards her though so you taught him well! I really like Mindy but she still has to get used living here. She wants to rub her little head all the time but she doesn't know yet that I can do that. But time will teach her that she can come cuddle with me like you used to.

Mindy will never replace you, nor would I want her to. She is unique as you were and will have a part in my heart, next to you.

I truly hope you are happy wherever you are and you are having lots of fun. We miss you, we'll always miss you my little lady, but I hope you are happy and carefree!

Big hugs to you my baby, I love you

Posts: 28
Hello little one,

It's been months since I've been here, but hardly a day has passed that I haven't thought of you. I kiss your little licks when laying on the couch in my lap, your miauwing to draw my attention .., I miss you so hard ...

If tears would have granted you another day, you would have an endless life. I feel so bad for having you put in your carrier to take you to the vet even though you didn't like it. I feel so bad I didn't turn the car around when you miauwed in the car, I feel so bad for not having asked the vet to let you go outside one last time when you walked up to the door ... I feel so bad for what I had to do .... I know you were suffering so much and I am grateful that I could at least make that stop. But I hate myself so much for it ...

To think I'll have to go through this again scares me so much.

Nikki is doing well, even though he isn't thankful I took in another cat. Mindy is doing well, she has adapted well and is slowly trusting me more and more. I think her previous family gave her some traumas but slowly she is getting out of her shell.

Nani, I will always love you, and to people who might read this, never fear you will forget your pet. You will never forget, those special little rascals are with you in your mind for life.


Posts: 28
I miss you soooooo much, I was doing well but tonight i broke down.

It's been over a year now, and I still feel as guilty as I did the first day. You deserved so much more, so much better. I took you to the vet in such a rush ... I hate myself for it. I didn't take time to cuddle that one last time. I didn't ask the vet to let you out into the garden one last time even when you were looking outside. There was no last time with you and I hate myself for it so hard.

I am so scared of anything happening with Nikki cause I can't bear the thought of losing him too.
You two have been there with me through my pains, my heartbreaks, all my bad times whilst others just left me. You were there to give me that lick to say 'snap out of it' ... you came to lay in my lap and sleep ...

We will move house soon, and we'll have a small garden where Nikki and Mindy can play safely. We'll only have a room at the start so that will be a major change versus the house we live in now. But I'm sure you will be there to watch over us.

Words can't ever describe how much I love you and I hope you understand I only did what I did so that you would have no more pain.

Nani, I miss you and I will never forget you. I will see you in the everlasting garden across the rainbow bridge when it is my time to be with you again.

Posts: 9
Always remember...
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