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Posts: 7
My Dearest Jingles,

I hate January, I hate everything about it. The New Year's hopes and celebrations, the expectations and resolutions, the whole month is just spoiled for me now forever. Last year at this time, you were still with me. I know that you were not feeling well, but the numerous doctors could not figure out what was wrong, and they always chalked it up to your advanced age. That used to boggle my mind, because I so wanted a definitive answer, I so wanted a real diagnosis, I so wanted to know what was wrong, so that I could find a way to make it right again.

Sometimes I wish I had never moved here, because although you were having problems and issues back at the old place, maybe this move is what sent you over the edge. You know that I would never have done anything to hurt you my sweet baby, but sometimes change can be hard, especially since you were an older kitty. Even now after almost a year, the guilt still surfaces and comes at me like a runaway train. If hindsight were 20/20, who knows, maybe I would never have come here, and maybe you would still be right here by my side, but I suppose we will never know that. Guilt can be such an insidious part of this grief journey, and it so often creeps up on you when you think you have  finally put it to rest.

So often I have heard that maybe it was just your time. Maybe you were tired and maybe you were hurting, but I still would have moved Heaven and Earth for one more moment with you. No matter how long I would have had you with me, it could never be long enough. This is the hardest month ever for me, and always will be, because it brings back the trauma of holding you in my arms as you struggled for every breath. I am so sorry Jingleberry, that image will haunt me as long as I live. I have never felt so helpless in my life, all I wanted to do was trade places with you and take on your pain and hurt. I wanted so badly for it to be softer and more gentle, but I guess that we have no control of how or when. If it had to happen, I wanted you to just fall asleep peacefully beside me.

 It just happened so quickly in the middle of the night, and there was no time to get you to the emergency vet. One minute you were sleeping safe and sound beside me, and the next moment I was begging God to help you cross over, and your eyes, I will never forget your eyes, you just looked so scared, so panicked, and so confused. I wanted so badly to go with you, it just felt so wrong because you and I were always together for over seventeen years. It is strange how one single horrendous moment can stay with you just like it was yesterday. I can remember every single detail, it is like it is etched and ingrained in my mind like a relentless nightmare. 

We never spent even one night apart, and when you went toward that light, I never felt so all alone in my entire life. I held onto you for so long that night, and I did not want to ever let you go. I was so worried about you being all alone and scared without me, and if I could have had one wish that cold, dark night, it would be that we would have walked into that light together. I have made it almost a whole year without you my precious boy, but it has not been easy. The colors have gone out of my world and the sunshine has lost it's warmth. You were my little sunbeam finder, you could always find a warm and radiant sunbeam, even on the cloudiest of days.

I just miss you so much, with every fiber of my being, and I love you more than life itself. Remember how I told you in our final goodbye for you to look for Jasper and Pootie Tang, and that they would show you the way home. I have absolutely no doubt that your brother and sister were waiting for you at the gates to guide you to your beautiful new world. I can just imagine Jasper putting his strong, protective angel wings around you, and sweet little Pootie Tang giving you her tiny paw to hold, as they walked with you across the bridge and beyond the rainbow. I can so picture you looking back for just a moment wondering where your mommy was. I am right here my darling little tabby boy, still missing you with all my heart, still loving you with all my soul. Wait for me and always remember, every single day that passes by brings me one day closer to you. You will always and forever be my sweetest little sunbeam and the dearest little love of my life.

Posts: 6
That is such a wonderful letter. My favorite Kitty died Sunday and I haven’t been able to cry and grieve. I was in total denial. Something about Your letter helped me to finally start grieving. I know it isn’t what you intended but nonetheless I am thankful for you and your baby Jingles. I also understand the guilt. I blame myself even though she was 19. its normal to feel guilt.
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