Registered: 1288386490 Posts: 10
I lost my beloved best friend and companion, Mouser, last Tuesday morning.
She and I found each other the day she was born 16 1/2 years ago. I am almost 51, live alone, no close family and only a couple of not so close friends that live in other states. I have not been able to work for the last 6 years due to severe depression and have been living off my savings. It is very hard for me to even leave my house to get groceries. We had a pet dog when I was a child and other than that I've never had a pet in my life, that is until Mouser came into my life when I was 34. She has been my only companion since, and the only thing that keeps me going. She's all I have and now she's gone. About a year ago I noticed she was eating less and less and slowly losing weight. I tried every kind of canned cat food, dog food, chicken, turkey, hot dogs, tuna, whatever I could think of. I took her to the vet but they could find nothing wrong. She would eat a little and share bites of my dinner with me but just wasn't getting enough nutrition. About a month ago I noticed she was having trouble chewing what little she would eat so I added water to her canned food and would make like a slurry that she would eat, but not very much. By now, she was skin and bone. The last 2 days of her life she stopped drinking water except for a few sips. She was telling me she's hungry and thirsty but just wouldn't drink or eat. I could see in her eyes and face she was ready but I just hoped and prayed for the best. I took her to the vet Tuesday morning hoping there was a solution, medication or ?. Her teeth and temp were fine but the vet said she's so old and probably having organ failure, said he could do tests to find out but even then there would be nothing he could do. Then he told me what I feared I would hear, that her time has come and I had to make a decision, bring her home and watch her suffer for a few days till she passed or euthanize to relieve her from her suffering. He gave me about 20 minutes alone time with her to say goodbye. I held her close to me and told her what a good girl she is and how much I love her, thanked her for being my best friend for all these years and how grateful I was to have her in my life. I held her, stroked her soft fur and the tears just flowed without control. I held her while she got the injection and she passed in my arms, all the while telling her how much I love her. She did not resist. I felt/saw her spirit rise from her body. I then spent the next 20 minutes holding her lifeless body against mine, talking to her, crying and praying, I just couldn't let go. I could not bring her body home with me as my ground is rock hard and have no place to bury her. I would have liked to have her cremated but I live hundreds of miles from the closest place that does that. The vet told me he has a friend that takes the pets to his property in the mountains and she would be buried in a beautiful place beneath the aspen trees. That gave me some comfort. I have not stopped crying since, can't eat and am feeling all alone in my empty house. My heart is ripped out and my world has ended. I am completely devastated and can't find the words to express what I'm truly feeling, but I know you kind people know as you've gone through the same thing. I emailed family and friends, but have received no replies. This is a pain I cannot bear alone, and while looking for pet loss grieving/counseling online, I came across this site. I've read many, many posts here and can feel the love. What a wonderful community! Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I was able to write more than a few words due to my sadness and tears.
Rest In Peace My Beloved Mouser
April 15, 1994 - October 26, 2010 Thanks for taking the time reading my words. Sincerely, Jim
Registered: 1279850525 Posts: 282
Jim, I am so truly sorry that Mouser has passed. You have found exactly the right place to express your sadness for losing her and to find comfort from others who know what you're going through. I really hope that your family and friends return your message and offer you some support. I also sent out an email to my family after my pup passed, and even though we are all relatively close, I only received a reply from one brother and one nephew. I was amazed. No matter whether they understand or not, this is deep grief and we need our loved ones to help us through it. It sounds like Mouser had a life filled with love and happiness. It's an amazing thing when we find that one special fur-baby who completes our world. I hope it comforts you to know how much joy you gave to Mouser. She was fortunate to share her life with you and you were the lucky recipient of all of her love.
Registered: 1288054136 Posts: 14
I am so sorry for your loss Jim. Mouser was a beautiful girl, and it is obvious she was well loved. I had to put my furry best friend to sleep last week, so I know exactly what you are going through. It's as if there is a hole in your heart, soul, and entire world. It feels as if the grief will not ever go away. This message board has brought me so much peace already, and I have only been on here a couple days. It is so nice to be able to post what you are truely feeling in your heart, and know that everyone here knows exactly how you are feeling. And it gives me hope that in time, things will get easier. With the help of all of the supportive people here, we can get through this. Know that you are not alone.
Registered: 1219887733 Posts: 11,059
Your story is heartbreaking. I am very sorry your Mouser has passed on. When you know your pet has given up the fight for their life, it is so hard to let them go. You keep hoping and praying for a miracle and it just doesn't happen. I know how empty your life is without this delightful girl to share your days. When my little bunny first passed on two years ago, I was in such a funk. I found it very difficult to get out of bed each morning, but somehow made it through the horrible days. Coming to this site helped me tremendously and I hope it will do the same for you. Everyone here understands how you feel and how much you miss your little one. I hope your family and friends will help you through this time also. I will keep you in my prayers. Mare precious Christoph ~ my sweet bunny boy ~
Registered: 1276206575 Posts: 628
I am so sorry to read about the loss of Mouser. I truly understand your pain and depression. You have come to the right place; we all understand because we have all been there. We lost our Beagle, Bonnie Lou this past June. We had her for 13 years and she was like a daughter to us. All I can tell you is to take it one day at a time. Come back here anytime you are feeling lonely and depressed. The people here are wonderful in desperate times. And these are desperate times when we loose a pet. Know that you gave Mouser a gift of love by letting him go to the rainbow bridge. I used to pray to God to take Bonnie in her sleep so we would not have to make that horrible choice. But it was not to be. Also know that you are not alone. Also know that Mouser's spirit will always be with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight and please come back here anytime. Clara
Registered: 1269842402 Posts: 1,901
jim-i am so very sorry that your best friend has passed on to the heavens. you have indeed come to the right place to share your pain, grief, sorrow and yes..............even the happy times. we all understand and know how difficult of a journey it is to move on with our lives without our beloved and wonderful furry friends no longer by our side. that aching, emptiness and lonliness can just about destroy one's hope for a brighter tomorrow.
rest assured that you gave your beloved kitty mouser a wonderful life filled with love. please allow that love and time to allow you to heal even though it may not feel like it at the moment. if you are suffering from severe depression i hope that you are seeing a dr to help you through this and now maybe even a greif counselor would also be beneficial. maybe there is the chance that there is a no kill kitty shelter near you that you could volunteer at or possibly foster a kitty or two for them in the future when you are ready to do so. it seems as if many of our closest friends and family although they may love and care for us are not able to give us the kind of long term support and understanding that we need during this heart breaking time in our lives. it is up to us to reach out to others and this place has truly been a God send for all of us. we all need love and support and also need to help others. it's the gift of love that we all receive and in turn give back. please try to get out in the world a bit more even though it's painful. mouser would not want her much beloved daddy to not have some happy moments in his life every now and then. it could be a form of a tribute of yours to mouser to try to fill up your heart with all the love that she has given and left for you. she was the brighest star in your life and this is something that will shine on forever not only from her spirit but also from yours. come here often and talk all you want and need to. this place and the lovely folks that frequent the board are very caring and understand completely how devastating the loss of a furry friend is and the depths that it can reach. and thank you for posting a picture of this lovely girl of yours. she is quite stunning. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Registered: 1288219855 Posts: 130
Dear Jim, i am really sorry for your loss.. I was reading your story and i could not hold back my tears.. I wish i could tell you that the pain will fly away in a day but i cant.. The only think that i can promise to you is that we all are here for you.. We all understand you and we feel the same.. Just think that Mouser does not want her daddy in pain.. She is thinking of you, she loves you and one day you will meet her again!
Take care of yourself and God bless you.. Maria..
Registered: 1272672086 Posts: 356
Oh Dear Jim,
I am so sorry for your loss of Mouser. She looks like a wonderful girl and companion. You shared the most important thing - love, friendship and respect over the years and neither of them is going away with her passing. She will be with you forever.
You have found the right place to share your sorrow, pain and hopes as you heal from her passing. Share her stories and celebrate her life as it will help you through the roller-coaster ride of emotions your grief will take you through.
My thoughts are with you and Mouser.
Registered: 1288125073 Posts: 50
Jim -- a big hug to you. I had to make the heart breaking decision of having my cat of 10 years euthanized last Thursday. She stopped eating and drinking minimally. She got pretty thin and there was just a look in her eyes. I took her to the vet just a week ago and an x-ray showed fluid in her chest and abdomen. That was of concern, but her blood work wasn't off the charts. The vet gave her an antibiotic and some IV fluids and told me to continue the antibiotic for 24 hours and if she wasn't eating by Wednesday I should consider .. . She seemed a bit improved Monday night -- I guess the fluids helped because she was horribly dehydrated -- a little more active (she had been spending a lot of time being sluggish and hiding) and she did try and eat some -- mainly licking the gravy off her soft food. Then Tuesday rolled around and she again didn't eat (maybe just a few licks of gravy, but then turned away) and just drank a tad of water here and there. I noticed BTW for a few days she couldn't even jump up on my bed very well. She would fall at first try, and either I would help her or she would go around the front and get up by using my hope chest. Anyway, by Wednesday morning even her balance seemed a bit different, yet I just couldn't make that decision without knowing what was wrong. A little whisper inside of me told me to get a second opinion and that vet spent a lot of time helping me find the answers -- it finally came down to an ultrasound Thursday morning that revealed my baby girl had a malignancy all in her abdomen. From there, everything is a blur. Next thing I know I am deciding to have her euthanized and I was with her until the end. Now, I am devastated and heartbroken, and I even feel I did the wrong thing. Maybe I should have waited a day to think about it .. but then, she wasn't eating, she could hardly get on my bed to cuddle with me, and she spent a lot time hiding. She had changed, she was very sick. But, there still seemed to be a life in her which makes what I decided to do all the more difficult. I still haven't figured out what to do with out her. I do have another kitty and I am trying to bond with her better -- Muffin was a "mama's girl" so she was my baby while my other cat Binkie was more of a "daddy's girl" -- but I feel when I do something special for Binkie that Muffin is wondering why I didn't do that for her, or didn't do that for her enough. I just don't know how to do this, Jim. I don't know how to be without my baby. I feel I let her down, I failed her. I promised her I wouldn't give up on her ... I feel I did. I will always wonder if I should have done this or that -- that one more thing .... I wish I could have her back.
Jim, I suffer depression and anxiety so I completely understand where you are coming from on that. I haven't told anyone else this, but I went to see Muffin Thursday morning to visit with her, but I suffered a bad panic attack and I could only spend a few minutes with her -- little did I know later that day I would be making the hardest decision of my life. I am angry at myself, my anxiety, for stealing precious moments with her from me. I am angry for allowing that to happen. I have been through so much over the last couple of years and I reached the point where I was agoraphobic. I have slowly come out of it by being able to go places, but then I panic and I want to run. That's what I did that morning, I ran. I will never forgive myself for that. Jim, it saddened me when I read how you reached out to people and no one responded to you. This is not the time to be alone, or feel alone. I am so glad you are here because you will get the support you need by all these wonderful people. We are all going through this journey without our babies together. I have been amazed that people feel the same way I do, which makes it safe to vocalize what is really going on inside of me. Being honest with yourself will make this journey not shorter, but less bumpy. I really believe Mouser is still with you, and perhaps before long she will let you know she is ok. I keep asking Muffin to do that for me. Whether in a dream, or another sign, if I just knew it would really help me. What I like to think, though, is all these animals that have been lost are all together at Rainbow Bridge. Our loved ones didn't go alone and they wait for us ....
Registered: 1280313280 Posts: 596
Jim, you are not alone anymore. While we may just be cyber friends, we are friends none the less.
I'm so sorry about Mouser. The first few months are so difficult, and it feels like the pain will never end. We've all been there, and understand the pain and sadness you're going through. Please make sure to eat and stay hydrated. You need to keep up your strength. Mouser would not want you to forget about yourself. In order to honor her memory, you must stay healthy so you can keep her alive in your heart. She will hopefully send you a sign that she's still near. Keep your eyes and heart open to her so you can recognize the little messages she may be sending to you. It's all so much of a struggle to keep going, but you must. We are here for you, so visit with us often and share some stories about Mouser with us.
Registered: 1288386490 Posts: 10
Thank You so much to each and every one of you for your caring, compassion, support, experiences and stories of your loved ones. That means so much to me. Y'all are awesome and I just want to reach through my monitor and give you all a hug. I am so glad I found this site. As I read through each one of your comments, I can't help but cry, but somehow I feel just a bit better, I feel the love. Tomorrow will be 1 week since Mouser passed. I still find myself talking to her, telling her good morning, good night etc. asking her if she wants her brush-brush and some sunshine, calling her all the nicknames I had for her. She would always come and get me, like 5 times a day, for her brushing and she would get on the arm of After maybe 5 minutes, and no success, and no doubt freezing her tail off, couldn't have been more than 10F outside, she gave me that 'look', "Please let me in, daddy, I'm not the hunter I think I am, today."
her couch, next to the french doors, where she could soak up the sunshine coming through the glass, and I would brush the heck out of her, talk to her, and she would just purr away, such a happy kitty. She loved to look out through the glass and watch the birdies fly by, her eyes wide open, her gaze darting to the left and to the right. Sometimes the birds would land on the porch and peck away looking for little bugs or whatever, and she would make the funniest 'chirp' sounds, I don't know how else to describe it, and it would always make me laugh. Now being mostly an 'inside' kitty, she didn't go outside very often, and certainly didn't like the cold and the snow, but 1 winter a couple years back while on her couch gazing out the window she saw some birdies, began chirping at them and then went to the door insisting to go outside so she could chase them, at that point, she didn't care about the snow, she just wanted to 'go get 'em', so I obliged and let her out, she went stalking through the snow, slithering through the bushes, ready to pounce at the first chance she got, She never did get one, but I did get a pic...... Mouser,I will be lighting candles for you and all the other fur-babies tonight. Thank You for this memory I was able to share today with my new friends here at PL. It warmed my heart and made me smile for just a bit, and I hope it does the same for them, too. I love you, Mousie!
Registered: 1288125073 Posts: 50
Jim, Mouser was beautiful! Your memory of her in the snow trying to catch those birds just made me smile and chuckle -- and I love that expression on her face when she realized her attempt didn't pan out. I needed that. Animals are so much fun -- those that don't have them are missing out on something beautiful. Muffin used to help me keep my kids in line -- they would come over to pet her when she was on the bed with me and SLAP!!! She would raise that paw and go for it. That's how my 3 -year old remembers her. With my oldest, though, she and I would laugh about it. Funny, too, all three of my kids almost became afraid of her. They would go the other way when they saw her coming! Muffin knew her mama needed help with the kids and she was a good disciplinarian. :)
Gosh, I just wish I could have her back. It's been 4 days now. It seems like a lifetime . .
Registered: 1279850525 Posts: 282
The pictures of Mouser and the story sure made me laugh. It's all the funnier because you narrate that it's only been 5 minutes between her confident stomp out in the yard and her demanding stare into the window to get back in. She seems embarassed to have misjudged those birds as easy pickings. Thanks for sharing! God knows we all need a good laugh.
Registered: 1282282893 Posts: 100
dear jim, mouser is a gorgeous cat! she looks very well loved! so sorry for your loss... its never easy losing a loved one. i came across this site a few months ago and everynite i just come on and read everyones stories and reply if i can relate to them. this site helped me understand so much about grieving... we all have our ways of dealing and everyones healing time is different to. i also know about depression. i know it SUCKS! have you tried medicine of any sort? i am curently on lexapro and thank god that it helps me! i couldnt leave my house either. so i know how it feels. i also suffered from those not so lovely panic attacks when i was 18 they started. i am 27 now and somehow i learned to get passed them... i was working as a hair stylist and had to take time off it got so bad i couldnt function. my parents helped me so much. they were the ones that helped me threw all the emotions... friends? what are they it felt like! they tried to understand but couldnt fully. i didnt blame them... i then met the father of my 2 boys... i have no time to panic but somehow have time to be depressed! like the saying goes... this to shall pass! but when!? my best advise to give you is to get out, do something you mite not usually do, and most of all talk about your feelings to who ever will listen. and you found the rite place! always feel free to share your feelings here!
Registered: 1288767473 Posts: 4
I was so moved by your story I just had to write, because I can relate to you. Mouser was beautiful, you really did have a buddy for life. I do feel your pain because I too, have recently lost my beloved cat Prince. I didn't adopt him, he kind of adopted me when I was in 3rd grade as I stood waiting for my bus, he would never leave my side. So that christmas my dad invited into our home, and he was my little boy, my buddy. So, you know when yesterday( Monday) night when i found his lifeless body laying on the floor, I lost it. He was the best cat, he lived to be 19 years old and he has one close call in his life when I almost lost him. Thankly though, he lived that long. I will never forget him, but I do miss my little boy every day he's gone. I admire you for having so much love for Mouser that you let her go, the way you did, most people dont have that much courage and love in them to do that. The one thing you did though was loved her like no other and I know she will never forget that like I know my Prince won't either. God bless you and take your grief away, so you can be at peace. You came to the right place to share your story. Thank you!
Registered: 1287391363 Posts: 22
I am so sorry for your loss of Mouser. She was such a beautiful little girl. My brother had a male cat that looked so much like Mouser. He had to have him put down a little over a month ago. 3 weeks/2 days ago I lost my beloved Toby, 14 year old Australian Shepherd. I also suffer with depression (35 years now) and am having a very hard time getting through it. He was my whole life, like my child (I couldn't have children) and I am so lost without him. Like you I am so glad I found this site. People here are wonderful and understand what we are going through. I am so sorry your family has not responded to your loss. I look at it as it is their loss because if they have never loved an animal as deeply as we do they really have a loss in their life to not have the joy and love an animal can bring. I have no friends either and my family has been as understanding as they can. They know the love I have for animals and my Toby but most of them really don't have an understanding of how much it hurts to lose them. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Our loss is so very painful and it feels like we will never get through another day. I know coming here has helped me so keep coming back and sharing your feelings. You are not alone. Much love, Terri
Registered: 1271588451 Posts: 94
My heart breaks for you and myself and everyone on this site truely feels your pain. I have gone through the exact same thing you did with our 14 year old Lhaso Apso. You are not alone in this saddest time of your life. Mouser had a live like non other and for that you should be very proud of yourself. The grieving steps are horrible, but you have to give yourself time to grieve and go through it all. Our furbabies love us unconditionally and that is why it is so hard for us to make the decisions that we don't want to have to do. Mouser brought alot of joy to you and belive or not my friend, one day the tears will stop and smiles will come to your face and the memories will flow. I didn't think it would happen, but it did. Keep posting on this site...alot of wonderful support here. Lois
Registered: 1283908729 Posts: 27
Dear Jim, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing in March 2009 with my soulmate kitty, Bootsie. I had him for almost 21 years (He came into my life when I was only 15), and the loss has rocked me to my core.
You've found a wonderful place in this board. We're all here to help you along this painful journey. Feel free to email or private message me at any time.
Registered: 1288386490 Posts: 10
This is dedicated to Mouser....I miss you so much my baby girl !
written by Mark Tremonti In Loving Memory Thanks for all you've done I've missed you for so long I can't believe you're gone You still live in me I feel you in the wind You guide me constantly I've never knew what it was to be alone, no Cause you were always there for me You were always there waiting And I'll come home and I miss your face so Smiling down on me I close my eyes to see And I know, you're a part of me And it's your song that sets me free I sing it while I feel I can't hold on I sing tonight cause it comforts me I carry the things that remind me of you In loving memory of The one that was so true Your were as kind as you could be And even though you're gone You still mean the world to me I've never knew what it was to be alone, no Cause you were always there for me You were always there waiting But now I come home and it's not the same, no It feels empty and alone I can't believe you're gone And I know, you're a part of me And it's your song that sets me free I sing it while I feel I can't hold on I sing tonight cause it comforts me I'm glad He set you free from sorrow I'll still love you more tomorrow And you will be here with me still And what you did you did with feeling And You always found the meaning And you always will And you always will And you always will And I know, you're a part of me And it's your song that sets me free I sing it while I feel I can't hold on I sing tonight cause it comforts me
Registered: 1219887733 Posts: 11,059
I loved your story about Mouser's winter adventure. The pictures are great! I know how difficult it is to be without her. Our pets complete us and being without them is a huge struggle.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful poem with your petloss family. Mare precious Christoph ~ sweetest bunny boy ~
Registered: 1289557842 Posts: 150
Yours is a heartbreaking story. My wife and I are with you in the spirit, dear friend. I hope the wonderful outpouring of empathy and care of all the good people responding to your post brings you comfort. Mauser most certainly hopes so. Your friend, Stanley's Daddy
Registered: 1271588451 Posts: 94
What a wonderful poem...what a great dedication to Mouser. I know the emptiness you are feeling and the heavy heart...it's a terrible feeling when our companions of so many years pass on...to me it's worse than the passing of a human. The unconditional love that they give us, there are no words to describe it. I miss my dog Buffy very much, memories I will cherish and keep in my heart forever . Love your posts...great stories. Lois
Registered: 1235168855 Posts: 10
I haven't visited this site in quite some time, but tears flowed as I read your story. This site and these friends were my saviours when I had to euthanize my gorgeous girl, Ally (cat) in February 2009. Reading the responses to your letter, I don't feel that there is anything that I can say that will offer any more comfort than has already been extended. What I CAN say, Jim, is that I too thought that I would NEVER get past that excruciating grief. But, I did. Ally will always Part of my recovery was making a decision after several months without her to adopt a new baby, and be able to offer all of the love that I had to another. I knew that I would know in my heart that it was the right time, and I trusted my intuition. Jim, my new baby, Trixie, has filled my heart and my soul with joy like I would never have thought possible. I talk to Ally often, and know that she approves and would love Trixie to bits if she were here. As much as you are struggling now, know that there is hope for you to love another furbaby just as much as your Mouser, but perhaps in a different way. There are so many unloved pets out there that would be so lucky to delight in the love and care that you have to give. Take comfort Jim - there IS light ahead for you.