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chygyrl

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Posts: 4
 #1 
Let me start by saying that I was born with dogs in the house. There has never been a time when I was alone, without a furbaby to cry on when  one of my others passed. But now, my house is empty. And I need to vent.

She was a throw away. Dropped into my backyard by an idiot. That's how we met. I had two other dogs at the time who found her first. All they wanted was a sniff, but she was so little and they were so big, she got scared and cried. I heard her and came out to find her huddled in a corner. I picked her up and she burried herself into me. I walked around the neighborhood, thinking someone lost her, but no one claimed her. So, I called my mother (we live together) at her work to let know know about this little German Sheppard puppy. My mother's response? "We're keeping her, right?"

I denied it. Nope, we have two dogs already, we don't need a third. That night, she cried and cried. So I put her up in the bed with me. She came to me and laid her little head across my neck and fell asleep. So much for not keeping her. I had "sucker" written all over me in a language she could read.

Two weeks later, one of the other two dogs we had, Kemo my baby boy, developed a brain tumor and had to be put down. It was sudden and it hurt unbearably. But there was Cheyenne, jollying us out of our sadness, letting me cry on her when it got to be too hard. Five years went by and she became my baby girl. She still slept on my bed, just not across my neck anymore. For which I am grateful as she grew to 75 lbs. Six more years of snuggles and cuddles, walks and chasing squirrels she would never catch, but sure loved trying. She was 11 and had stomach ulcers, bad hips and knees and spent more time sleeping than anything else. The winters hurt her terribly and her stomach was always unsettled now.

We decided to let her go two Tuesdays ago. Our vet loved her, saying that she was such a good dog. All I kept thinking was "maybe a little more time."

Now the house is empty. So very empty. There's no shadow behind me, helping me do whatever I was going to do. There's no body at the foot of the bed, even though I still fall asleep in the position that wouldn't disturb her. There's no one to take naps with anymore. No one to feed at night. No one to take car-rides with. The first day alone all I could think was "my god, what have I done?"  Was I wrong to put her down? Did I do all I could for her? Was there some time left and now it's gone too soon? What have I done?

I'm the strong one in the family, always doing what needs to be done with a stone face, letting everyone else grieve first. I don't cry around my mother. It hurts her to see me cry, so I wait until I'm alone. I walk thru work putting a brave face on, trying to focus on everything else but the fact that my fuzzy baby is gone. I can't sleep at night and if I do sleep, I have nightmares. I can't eat because all I can think is "why bother, there's no one to share it with." No more thick soft fur to dig my fingers thru. No more head rubbies after a good meal. No more ears too big for her head, but soft enough to bury your nose in. No more absent minded "What?" face. No more Cheyenne. God, baby girl, I'm so sorry.

My mother and I have agreed to adopt again. We go down to the agency next Saturday to get two more dogs. The silence and grief are killing us slowly. And while I know they will never replace my Cheyenne, just as she never replaced my Kemo, I'm hoping that they will help ease the grief and the silence. How do you ever get used to the silence? How do you stop crying? How do I know I did the right thing? And what if I'm not good enough to get to the Rainbow Bridge? Will she ever forgive me? How do you deal with feeling lost all the time?
mollyboltsmom

Registered:
Posts: 991
 #2 
First let me say how sorry I am for your loss of Cheyenne. You two had that special bond that only comes to us once in a lifetime if we're lucky. You loved her and she loved you.
Life will never be the same. You will mourn her(that's the stuff you show the world), and you will grieve for her(that's the inside stuff). And as you talk about her and share her here things will get better. There is no time limit on grieving the loss of your precious Cheyenne. There's no "right" way of doing it. You talk, we listen and support you. You can be yourself here, after everyone else in your life is sick of hearing about it.
When you can, share a picture of Cheyenne with us. It took me 7 months to be able to do that. And share your memories of her; after a while, the good memories will overtake the bad ones and give you comfort. And vent when you need to.
Peace to everyone mourning their special furbaby today.
Molly's Mom
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #3 
I know how you feel without a dog.  Before I lost my little Basil, I had always had another dog in the house, but when he was pts there was just silence.  A big yawning hole, as though all of the goodness had been sucked away.  My Bas found me too, although he was grown up when he came to live with me, sounds as though your girl knew where to go, just like my Bas, suckers arent we just.  3 weeks after losing Basil, I got another dog.  He is a big lump, whereas my Bas was only tiny.  He is a big cuddly boy and cannot get or give enough kisses and cuddles.  I t was so wonderful to have a baby to love again, I realise that I am just not complete without a furry friend.  He is a rescue too, and he landed on his paws when he came to us, he is spoiled rotten.
As for the guilt, I think that we all feel that way, I think that is just a normal feeling after losing a loved one.  My Bas was 19 or 20 when he left, and I still wondered if it was the right time.  In retrospect, he was deaf, nearly blind, had hardly any teeth, had a chronic heart condition and had to be lifted up and down to his favourite spot.  If that wasnt the right time then..........
If you have loved your babies like I know that you have, there is no way that you are not going to get to the bridge, love is the most precious thing on this earth and beyond.  Think about it, if the world was full of people who loved one another, it would be a perfect world.
I am so sorry for your loss.  I promise that you will meet your girl again, and all of your other babies, they are not gone, just moved out of sight for a while.  Much Love, Di xxx
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #4 
Sorry for your loss of Cheyenne. Sounds like she had a hard time getting around with her hip/knee arthritis. Animals don't like to show us their pain either, so she may have had more pain than you even knew. When you made the decision, you based it on what you felt, at the time. Now, you're second guessing yourself. That's the part you're caught up in now. And, it's normal to feel guilt, along with other emotions after something like this happens. Loss stirs up alot of emotions and can be hard to deal with.
Sounds like Cheyenne was a very good dog and she knows you stlll love her alot.
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #5 

I am so sorry for the loss of Cheyenne. i know how hard it is. She was 11 years old and unfortunately that is quite old for a Shepard. Hip displasia is very uncomfortable at best and downright painful at times. The stomache ulcers, Shepards have a tendecy to get inflamitory bowel disease. Perhaps it was turning into that. Either way bot of those are so painful and why would you want to pu her through more pain? For what purpose if she was not going to get any better? Not fair to her, not fair to you. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing.

JennyH

Registered:
Posts: 34
 #6 
I'm so sorry for your loss of Cheyenne.  I understand beating yourself up for not knowing if it was "the time" or not.  I did that with our Katie, 20, who struggled with cancer for about a year.  I now felt we should have let her go sooner.  It's hard to know though, isn't it?

I also know what you mean about the silence and not having another pet there to share your grief of loss.  When we lost others, we always had those left to snuggle and hold and cry with as the ones left mourned the loss, as well.  There was great comfort in sharing that.

Someone offered us a cat the other day.  I was tempted as the silence is a strange thing in our house after all these years of having companions we've known for years.  After I thought about it though, I had to be honest with myself and I told them I wasn't ready.  I'm sure this friend felt if I just "replaced" Ernie immediately, all would be well.  I know she just didn't understand. You can't replace, but you can open your heart to other ones. I'm still adjusting to not having a history with a pet that spans decades.  For the moment, I have to grieve.  Maybe one day, we'll be ready to have others.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up.  You obviously loved her very much and she loved you.  You did well by her.  You didn't want her to suffer and it sounds that she was suffering.  Don't second guess your decision. You did the right thing for her, hard though it was.
chygyrl

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #7 

Thank you all for your wonderful support. It isn't as good as a fuzzy body, but it's very close.

I'm hoping to get my Cheyenne's pictures up.

Funny thing, we have a lot of stray cats in our neighborhood that would wait until the dogs were done eating, then snack on thier food. The night we put Chey down, a particularly bold little black boy came by our door about the same time as when the dogs would be finished eating. We have a clear back door, so we could see him walk to our patio looking for his snacks. My mother saw him and sighed. She then put out a small bowl of food for him. I told her it wasn't wise to feed a stray, but she just shrugged. The following night... I fed him. And have been feeding him since. He comes by at a very specific time every night. I can't help but laugh at my mother and I. Even when we have nothing to take care of, we're still taking care of something.

Chy


basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #8 

I can see that little guy is already twanging your heartstrings.  Before long, he will have moved in.  Have you thought, that perhaps he was lead to you and your Mum to give you some comfort, cos he sounds as though he needs a friend.  Lots of love, Di xxx

chygyrl

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #9 
Thought I'd show you what my baby Chey looked like.



Her ears were just too big for her head. We'd called her "Radar dish". When she was little, she'd love to lay in the flowers, watching the world go by.



She loved water, so we got her a little pool. After a long night working, my mother came up with putting goldfish in her pool to keep her busy. This was her most favorite thing to do. She'd spend hours in the pool, chasing them

Chy


basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #10 
Chey is gorgeous
I notice that she has furry trousers at the back, they look so cute.  Love Di xxx
AngelCareOne

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #11 
Chey is positively precious and so are you! I'm so sorry for your loss and know you'll have another fur kid who needs and loves you greatly. You're a Wonderful Mom!
 
You're in my thoughts. How awful about your nightmares and I sure do empathize with you. I hope to gosh you can catch some sleep before too long. You're going to need all the rest you can get when your next fur kid shows up at your door. Big Hugs!
 
Always,
Angel xxx
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