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Posts: 1
Today is October 13th and yesterday we decided to take our cat Quinn to the vet. She was a rescue and lived with my partner for 2 years, 1 year with me. She always nestled up to me and would follow me around everywhere. She loved me and I loved her back.

Last year about this time, my partner brought Quinn for a routine checkup and discovered she has CKD or Chronic Kidney Disease. Time went on and I guess I pretended like she would live forever...

My dog: Smokey

Just a year ago I lost my family dog at the age of 15. My heart was ripped from my body. He slept curled up between my legs every night for 10 years. I decided to do my duty and that I owed him me being present during euthanasia. I wanted him to be comfortable with loved ones during his passing. His back had become curved, his rear right leg no longer working, not able to hold it in... so it was time. My mother called me saying tonight was the night and so in shock I met them at the clinic in a hurry. But it went horribly... He was scared. He didnt trust the doctor and wouldnt stop moving when she tried to give him an IV. So they asked me to help hold him so she could successfully setup the IV. While holding him he yelped and bit me, panicking and giving me such a betrayed look... I broke down... I dropped to my knees, hyperventilating, snot running down my face, eyes like a stream. He fought the sedative hard... he didnt want to leave us... but eventually he succumbed and went to sleep. To this day it haunts me and I haven't moved on in the slightest. Feeling like a piece of my soul is forever missing.

My cat: Felix

I decided to fill that void with giving all my love to a new kitten that my aunt was giving away. She housed a stray over the winter and accidentally ended up with a litter of kittens. I figured I could give a loving life to at least one of them. So I took him home and he became my first child that was completely my responsibility. About half a year after losing my dog one day I wake up and notice Felix is loafing, not playful at all, not eating or drinking, so I brought him to the vet. $800 later they say they think its because of a blockage in his intestine but arent 100% sure. They tell me that it would cost about $2000 to find out and even then it might not be successful... Im a college student and couldn't afford it, so my only options were euthanasia or to surrender him to the humane society. So I surrendered him... I wanted to give him a fighting chance. I had to say my final goodbye because I was not allowed to re-adopt him after surrendering him... again my heart broke.

My partner and I's cat: Quinn

It is October 13th and yesterday we brought Quinn in to see the vet and get some bloodwork done. You see about a year ago around this time my partner called me, when we were still living separately, to tell me Quinn was diagnosed with CKD or Chronic Kidney Disease. I'm not sure why but I expected her to live for years to come. It hadn't dawned on me that the road was most definitely short... Yesterday we chose to go home and receive the phone call there instead of waiting around at the clinic. Quinn is about 7, we don't know for sure since she was a stray but shes generally a reclusive cat but would shower me with affection when I got home. About two days ago she stopped eating, would stay loafed in one position all day and meow uncomfortably when we touched her.

There we sat, waiting for the call... then suddenly an hour later the phone rings.
My partner answers and then relays the news to me. Again, for a second I stand still in fear as she tells me "The doctor said she isn't producing anymore blood cells and blood cells normally only live for a month or two" I immediately start shivering and tearing up, my partner walks over to hug me but I pull away and storm outside... I start punching the wooden fence over and over until my knuckles bled amd my hand couldn't take it anymore. I drop to the ground in tears, snot running down my face in a bad panic attack, unable to breath or reason. I eventually calm down and my mother comes over to help console us but on and off I burst into tears while my partner is holding it together fairly well. We setup a little bed, litter, and water in our bedroom which the cats are normally never allowed to enter so that she can sleep close to us for the night. You can tell every day she is just getting more and more tired and malnourished... Today I tried going to work while my partner had an exam and then watched the cats but its been awful... I have to leave the building every 30 or so minutes to cry outside, I have a headache, dry heaving, and no appetite at all. It almost feels like I need to die with her... That I need to protect her in this world and the next. She comes up to us every now amd then with a pitiful meow almost as if shes telling us shes scared and every time I hear it it breaks my heart over and over again... im broken and have no idea how to get through this... again it feels like life is over and that my heart is permanently scarred beyond repair...

My partner said she is going to keep an eye on her condition and if she starts really not looking good shes going to bring her to the vet and have her put to sleep... I cannot bare the thought of that moment. Every second I am dreading it and wanting to throw up.

I don't think I can bare to be in the room when it happens. My partner whom is the true owner said she will be there with her for it but Im scared the cat will need me there in those final moments but I also dont want to stress the cat out by being a mess the whole time... I don't know what to do for that moment and would really appreciate your advice.

I need your love and support badly and any advice on where to seek help because it feels like i'm dying inside.

Thank you so much for reading this and any support or love, this is 10 times more painful than my grandmothers passing...

Posts: 167
I also had to face a similar situation last Dec 2017. After a very difficult and traumatic process, I decided to euthanize my cat, Karma who had cancer in her mouth. Initially I also thought I would not be there as the deed was done, but in the end I manned up and saw it through to the end. That was the most horrible, heartbreaking ordeal, I cried like a baby at the clinic and in public for a long time after that. I think the people were quite taken aback at the sight of this 62 year old man sobbing and whimpering like a baby, but I was past caring about that. The images of those last moments will haunt me till my dying day. The feeling of bringing your beloved pet to the put to sleep is an indescribable pain! Also, the grieving has been very very difficult. I have been in tears everyday since then.
Whatever decisions you make, things may be very tough from now on. There is unfortunately no real way one can prepare for this process, especially that of euthanizing our pets, and the grieving process can take a long time too. You just have to accept it and go through the storm as best you can. In my case, when I am in tears and sad and missing my K cat terribly, I just remind myself that she is worth it, and I would go through it all over again for her.

Posts: 639
I tell myself I am very sorry I euthanized my pets but I am not the person now that I was then. On the day I did it, I was a mess. And that is and was not the real me.
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