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MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #1 
I lost my sweet girl Bella yesterday.  Her heart was failing but I was told that she had a few good months left just days ago.  I called her to breakfast and she slowly came up to her food, sniffed it and turned to walk away.  As she was walking she collapsed.  I didn't know what to do so I tried artificial respiration but she became agitated.  I rushed her to the vets as she was lying on my lap. As I was carrying her inside my beloved passed away in my arms.

My heart is broken and all I want to do is to be with her.  She was my life line for almost 11 years.   She was my constant companion, friend, helper and giver of all kinds of hugs and kisses.
How does one go on after the passing and grief of losing your sweet puppy?
FelinasMom

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Posts: 9
 #2 
I'm so, so sorry. I lost my wonderful dog Felina two weeks ago. Right after that, I had to rush out of town to be with my mother who was in intensive care. I got home last night and the emptiness just hit me really hard. My wonderful girl is gone. I don't know how to go on either. I don't really want to. 
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #3 
I am in so much pain.  I awoke with a piercing pain in my heart....my little girl is gone and there isn't anything I can do about it.  I am so lost, hurting and wishing that I could be with my sweet Bella. She was my life and my soul.  How can I go on??? 
grievingmom

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Posts: 618
 #4 
Gut wrenching.

Hopelessness.

Despair.

Fear.

Anxiety.

Confusion.

Severe pain.

Devastation.

Can't believe it happened.

Anger.

Traumatized.

Shocked.

What you have experienced and are experiencing is something that brings up more than one reaction...more than one emotion. Not everything in life does this to us, but when someone we depended on dies, it does. That's why you are crying out "how can I go on". And it is something many if not most get. I get it. I get it for sure.

You won't be able to "go on" for a while. What you are feeling right now tells you that you can't go on. And those emotions, that experience is going to be with you for a while. And you know what? Give the circumstances, this is an extremely normal and I dare say healthy response. 

Accept for now, that part of what has happened is that you are going to be stuck if you will with very strong feelings that are severely disturbing for a while. In some cases months, in some cases longer.

Experiencing this is something you want to shake off in one shake. But you can't. Not just you, no one can.

You know how childbirth is a process? The lady can be screaming in pain but she has to go through all that for the baby to come out?

You have to go through all of this for it to end. It will end. You won't feel like this forever. Grief, mourning..it's cyclical. It will run it's course. You will not feel this way forever. But for now you do, and you wonder what you can do to make it stop.

Nothing. But you can lessen the blow from maybe a 10 to perhaps a 9 or 8 1/2 by taking very good care of yourself right now. If you need to see a doctor for medication so be it. If you normally eat junk food, start including some healthy meals. If you have no one to talk to, start calling pet loss hotlines and hotlines in general and call every day more than once a day if need be. https://www.petloss.com/phones.htm

And tell yourself over and over and over and over and over again, that "given the circumstances, what I am feeling is normal".

Most of all, talk about it. You can post here every day, more than once for as long as you need. If you need to post every day for years, you can.

I am here too.

- Stephanie


MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #5 
Dear Stephanie,

Thank you for your insight and post.  It is very helpful.  I spent the day yesterday looking for help, first on this message board and next at the therapists office.  I then spent the night holding my sweet baby's blanket and staring at all things Bella. She was my sweetheart for so many years and it seams so unbearable to go on right now.  I dread going to sleep b/c when I wake up I will get another punch in my heart realizing that she is not here.

I don't think I can go back to work or anywhere without breaking down and bawling....I don't need people asking me what's wrong right now because it will only open up my wounds.

She was my life and my happiness. It is so hard as I sit here I am crying so hard.

Thank you for being here Stephanie.

Bella's Mom
my_tiny_dancer

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Posts: 12
 #6 
Dear Bella,

I am exactly 100% the same as you. I slept with Teddie’s blanket for two days now, I keep sniffing a little tuft of her fur that I picked off her brush. It’s so so hard. But I’m crying maybe 3% less than yesterday, and I feel guilty for this too. Part of me wants to be sad forever.

I’m here to talk and sulk if you need someone.
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #7 
Hi Tiny Dancer,

The pain is excruciating.  I hurt so very bad that I just wish I could be with my baby who gave me the sweetest times in my life.

Her blanket is so comforting but, at the same time, painful because she is not in it.  How do we go on from here?

She was my world and I feel so very empty without her.  I know she must be in heaven because she truly was a gift from our God.....but why does it have o her so much??

Bella's crying Mama


grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #8 
Things are going to pick up for you Bella. You won't always feel this way. But the important thing to you, is right now you do.

It's OK that you held her blanket and looked at her stuff.  At one point having the ashes (in their container) next to me in bed and physically held close to my heart helped. I even opened the container and put my finger in there to see what I felt. The remains are in plastic but nonetheless it made me feel better. I even slept with the canister of ashes under my blanket as though my baby was with me.

I understand the intensity of what is happening to you. I think that is one thing some people don't understand or even overlook or dismiss.  Prior to pet loss I had felt sadness, even heartbreak but never had I felt such deep sorrow and panic along with terrifying physical sensations all at the same time with such intensity. I was petrified of my own feelings and didn't want to be in my own skin. I couldn't escape myself. This horrible experience and nightmare was with me everywhere no matter what I did. I concluded that based on my feelings and physical sensations something was seriously wrong. And I decided that what was seriously wrong with me was I was dying.  It scary when you 100% believe you are dying. What was going on with me was so out of the norm of anything I had ever experienced before in my life that I was convinced it could only be the ultimate in bad things happening..and that would be my own death. Truly life was a living and ongoing nightmare that only got worse before it got better.  It gets worse because in the beginning shock protects us from the full impact. But as we thaw out, we feel and experience what we were protected from. And that is hell on earth.

Now I know that a combination of horrible emotions, feelings, physical sensations..all at once is not the least bit uncommon in grief and trauma. 

I eventually saw a doctor about medication. Tranquilizers and prescription pain killers. My chest felt like it was splitting open. The pain was so unbearable that only medicine helped. Thoughts of the future without my beloved sent me into a mental tailspin of crying, hyperventilating, you name it. What a vicious cycle. Nothing gave me permanent relief. Nothing. I mean the medication assisted, but nothing helped get rid of the overall experience. The only thing that got rid of was time. In my case years.

Please keep talking and sharing. 

Love, Stephanie

MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #9 
Hi Stephanie

Just awoke this morning with an unbelievable sadness that is overwhelming me....guilt, sorrow, pain, heartache....She is not here to take outside, to cuddle with, to play catch with and to love. I must go to work tomorrow for the first time since Bella's passing and I am so fearful of the tears and the judgment of others who will not understand my pain. 

My Bella was the world to me and the pain I feel is unbearable...crying as I am typing.  I wish I had held here close and kissed her head more often than I did.  How will I be able to come home from work with out her greeting me with her kisses and ferocious tail wagging???

I feel that I am slowly dying inside.

I miss you so very much my baby Bella.
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #10 
Dear Stephanie,

You're descriptions of the grief and pain I am feeling is so accurate.  I wish I could disappear and end it all so that I can be with my precious baby,  She was my world and without her it seems that nothing matters....I could just melt away and cease to exist. How does one ever get relief from the pain and unbearable sadness???  I am supposed to go to work tomorrow and people say that that is good and will help me to forget for a little while but I do not think that I am able to go in.

She is so much a part of my life and happiness.

Please please dear Bella know how much mama hurts without you with me

I love and miss you my sweet baby girl.

Hurting mama
grievingmom

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Posts: 618
 #11 
Hi Hurting Mama,

I fully understand the torment you are in right now. It simply doesn't go away. At least for now.

I was so afraid of what I was experiencing (disturbing emotions, scary physical sensations) that the only thing that gave me any temporary relief was hearing someone say that this isn't going to last forever.

And so I am going to tell you that Hurting Mama...what is happening to you right now is not going to be what the rest of your life is like. As unbelievable as it sounds, some day what you are experiencing right now is going to change. It changes very slowly. And starts out in small ways. It isn't like right now you are living a nightmare that won't go away and some day you will wake up and it will be all gone. No. It goes away in little bits and pieces. Whereas maybe you are crying literally all day right now, some day you will have a day where you don't cry the entire day. Only part of the day. So that's one way it is starting to change. Very little ways that you may not even notice. But because you have so many strong emotions and physical reactions to what has occurred, you may not notice the changes right away.

I was truly petrified because nothing I could think or say to myself gave me any hope that life would one day be free of what was going on. I could not think myself out of this.

Keep talking. You won't always feel this way.

- Stephanie
my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #12 
Dear Hurting Mama,

I am feeling the same dark thoughts about disappearing and joining Teddie today. But they have eased in the evening, when I went for a walk to a part of the city where me and Teddie didn’t visit together so I didn’t have my usual horrible flashbacks of our sweet peaceful walks with her on our old beaten paths.

But please keep watch over these feeling and if these dark thoughts become overwhelming and uncontrollable, please please call someone close, or a even a helpline.

Today I read that our little ones would want us happy and healthy, so I am trying to keep this in mind.

I also read about the Rainbow Bridge and since i was unfamiliar with the story before, it simultaneously broke my heart and consoled me a little bit. I would love to meet Teddie and cross the bridge together, even if it’s just a little make-believe dream...
MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #13 
Stephanie,

Thank you so very much for being here. You do give me hope in the future with your kindness.

Thank You

Baby Bella's momma
MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #14 
Thank you Teddies mom.  I believe that the good Lord has sent people like yourself to show me the way.  I feel so lost and alone.  Its like the sun will never shine again or that I will never experience happiness again but knowing that there are caring people such as yourself out there t makes this awful journey a tiny bit more possible.

Thank you,

Bellas Momma
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #15 
You are welcome.

I do mean what I've said. 

While this whole thing is not going to go away any time soon,  it also isn't going to be
with you for the rest of your life.

- Stephanie


Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #16 
I’ve read this entire post through my tears and I feel like I’m reading my own words. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since I had to lay my sweet baby girl to rest. It was unexpected and I’m still in shock. But you see, next week will mark 3 years since I let go of my little man (my first pup) and I’m stuck in my grief for him. I carry so much guilt and self blame for both of their deaths. All the what-ifs have been slowly killing me over the years. I still cry every single day. The feeling of deep despair and that I can’t go on because I want to be with them again. I’ve tried a few therapists and just haven’t found the right one yet. I’ve been very reluctant to try meds, but I’m starting to reconsider. My two pups were my children. My soulmates. My everything. I don’t have human kids and I’m not married. My family and friends have given up on me which drives me deeper into a hole. To Bella’s mom, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. You definitely are not alone. To Stephanie, your compassion and kind words are something that I need in my life. I feel like I’m in constant agony and a prisoner of my own mind.

Sincerely,

Angie
grievingmom

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Posts: 618
 #17 
Dear Angie,

I am glad you shared.

It is interesting to me that you stated you are stuck in the grief from your little man who you had to let go of 3 years ago. It is interesting to me because it is extremely insightful. And being so insightful is going to help you. You laid your little girl to rest 2 weeks ago and it was unexpected. All deaths are traumatic, but an unexpected one more so. There is a word for what you are experiencing and it is called cumulative grief.

As wonderful as it would be to believe that every time we suffer a loss we have time to process that loss and integrate it into our lives before we suffer another loss, the sad truth is that it
does not always happen that way. When one death is followed by another death, new pain is piled onto pain that was already there. New fear is piled onto  fear that was already there. Other terms for this is called “bereavement overload” or “grief overload”. I know so much about it (well maybe not that much). But I am very personally familiar with it since cumulative grief, grief overload...is a very big part of my story. So that's how and why I am able to say the things I am saying. From my own experience with cumulative grief I learned what it is. And it is gosh awful. You are feeling double the pain. And in some cases depending on how many losses someone is dealing with, triple the pain and more!

When someone is thrown into cumulative grief or grief overload, what that means is that it is a kind of grief that one person really can't handle. And that is not said with sarcasm or belittlement. It is said with truth. We are made to be able to handle just so much. We aren't made to be able to handle anything and everything life throws at us. When a person has grief overload or cumulative grief, it's more grief than one person can bear. By definition that is what it is. I had grief overload as I said, and it was enough for me to want to be commuted to a mental institution. I am dead serious too. But I did not pursue that avenue for a couple of reasons. (Although I know a man who when his dog died he had a nervous breakdown and spent 3 months recovering in a hospital to treat his breakdown.) I did not choose that route because I have seen the inside of the local psych ward around here and no ay would I want to be a patient there. I went to visit someone along with some others who were with me to visit the person and the place was so awful that even in the midst of my cumulative grief, I had the presence of mind to say "I'll suffer, but not there". And also, I had one more pet to take care of. So I made it a my business to go to my general practitioners office about once a week. My insurance covered it. They knew what I was going through and the Physician Asst. there would see me. We called the appt. a "medicine check follow up appt" but the appt was really to talk to her. She was not a psych professional nor was the general practitioner. But that was actually better for me because I had sought out several mental
health professionals, NONE of whom understood the depth and intensity of what was happening to me. So I was forced to give that up. Pet loss is not viewed in this culture as a legitimate form of actual grief. There is also a word for that too. (Yes, I learned alot along the way due to my hellish nightmare.) The word is "disenfranchised grief". Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not socially acknowledged and therefore people are discouraged from openly mourning about it. Pet loss is almost seen as a joke. That's why there is so much talk about "go out and adopt another pet". It's isn't not having a pet that is making you grieve. It is the person your pet was and the loss of that relationship that is making your grieve. Adopting another pet is not the solution. Anyway, I was told by many to adopt another pet. And as I said, I didn't miss not having a pet. I missed the pet(s) who had died. There is a huge difference. I raised my cat Emerald from kittenhood to age 19. When she died, I missed HER. I didn't miss having a cat. When my dog Tum who I raised from a puppy to age 16 died, I missed HER. I didn't miss not having a dog. When my cat Pearl died at age 13 that I had raised from a kitten, I missed Pearl. I didn't miss not having a cat. You know what I am talking about. But not every mental health professional views the bond between a person and a pet as the same as a bond between two people. So their approach is not the same and for those whose bond was the same as the bond two people have (with our pets)..a therapist who can't wrap their mind around that can't help you no matter how nice they are or how well educated. When I referred to my pets as my children one counselor said "they weren't your children, they were your pets". See the distinction there? If I am seeing a therapist because in my heart I lost a child, someone who doesn't see my pet as having been the equivalent of a human child isn't going to be able to help me.

But moving forward. As far as taking medication, that's an individual choice but as far as my own story, it did help. Angie, one of the symptoms I developed was as feeling that my chest was physically splitting open. The pain was so real I saw a cardiologist and also my general practitioner. He believed me (the cardiologist didn't) and my general practitioner gave me prescription strength pain medication for the searing chest pain. I had tried over the counter stuff and it didn't help one bit. My anxiety, fears and panic was so off the charts, I was afraid to walk from one room to the next because I didn't know what was going to happen once I got there. That's how bad the fears and panic became about "what is going to happen next".

Like you I was hesitant to take the tranquilizers. I was having a really bad day with the crying, the hysterics, the racing heart, the panic, the feeling I was going to burst open and I called the pharmacist and asked "Is this a good time to take this medication?" and he said "yes!". Those medications also have a name Angie. They are called "rescue medication".Rescue medication is medication intended to relieve your symptoms immediately. When someone is in a severely bad state, they need to be rescued. Medication when used for it's intended purpose is a legitimate aid in coping with what we are talking about here. My sister developed a substance abuse problem. Not from taking medicine as it was intended, but taking it for reasons it wasn't intended. I feared if I even took medicine and followed doctor's orders as to how it should be taken that the same thing would happen to me that happened to my sister. But it didn't. I did not take it recreationally. I was on the verge of suicide and needed help badly.

As for family and friends ignoring you after a while...that is sadly not all that uncommon. I actually had no one in my family to confide in which is why I talked to the physician assistant at the doctor's office so much. My older brother told me to adopt another pet and when I said "no" he said (in his well meaning but insensitive way, trying to use tough love) "You are being selfish because there are many animals out there that need a home". Telling someone who is suicidal they are being selfish for not adopting another pet is not helpful. Trust me on that one.

You said you are in constant agony and a prisoner of your own mind. That's very well put because it accurately describes your current state of affairs. I was like that for years and feared I would never recover. I didn't know a whole lot about mental health but without actually finding out if what I came to believe was true, I concluded on my own that my experience has caused some "permanent" mental illness to befall me. In reality, major mental illnesses do not happen overnight. But I was thoroughly convinced based on my experience that a severe and I do mean severe mental illness had befallen me and it was the kind that would be with me for life. I live in NY and have seen the forsaken mentally ill people walking around the streets of NYC abandoned, unloved and unwanted. I was convinced 100% that I had developed some similar illness. The kind of illness that would be chronic and permanent for the rest of my life. I believed that with all my heart and would have bet a million dollars I was right. No I was not walking around the streets like what I have seen in NYC but in my own mind I knew something was seriously wrong. What was wrong was I was both in mourning and suffering from PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder or just post traumatic stress from what I had been through. Did you know that if you are traumatized by the death of your pet or pets such that you develop trauma symptoms that won't go away, it is called PTSD.  When this happens the person is suffering from "traumatic bereavement".  Not just bereavement, but traumatic bereavement. They have two different issues going on. Trauma and grief. Incidentally..when someone dies our initial reaction is grief. But as that grief plays out over a longer period of time, we then enter into mourning. According to experts, someone who has been traumatized from the death of their pet or pets to the point where the trauma symptoms are not going away, such people have to resolve their trauma reaction before they can properly mourn. Yes, the trauma has to be worked on first because it interferes with the normal progression of mourning.

I may sound like I know alot about this, however I learned about it from my own experiences which occurred between 2012 and 2015. I was really suicidal and it was either kill myself or learn all you can about what is happening to you. I am a "thinker" and I knew if I could logically understand what was happening to me, that it would be a start. Not that you can think yourself out of pain per se, but I needed to know what was happening to me.

Well, I hope I have not worn out of my welcome.

Keep talking Angie.

- Stephanie



MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #18 
Dear Stephanie

Oh My God....did I need to hear what you said this morning.  I woke up with a start and immediately thought of my loss of Bella.  I was paralyzed with grief so much so that I did not want to get out of bed.  I forced myself to and read your post and cried like a baby (sad tears)
for my loss.

I must try to go to work this morning to people that do not understand my grief and I am so fearful for what is going to happen.  I don't think I am ready to go back...its only been 5 days since my sweetheart passed but I am afraid of what  people will think if I don't go to work.  I am so scared that I will have a major melt down.

My heart is breaking, I miss my Bella more than words can say.  Please keep me in your thoughts.

Bev
MyBabyGirlPeanut

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Posts: 102
 #19 
Dear Angie,

My heart breaks with you.  Please take good care of yourself.  My good thoughts are with you.

Bella's Mom
Bev
my_tiny_dancer

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Posts: 12
 #20 
Dear Stephanie,

Thank you think thank you for writing all this. It was really helpful and consoling to read. Our grief is valid, I keep repeating this to myself today.

Today is a hard hard day and I don’t see that point in it when Teddie isn’t with me. She wouldn’t loved today’s snow.

Hugs to all here...
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #21 
Had a really rough day today.  First day back at work.....could not concentrate, could not talk to anyone all I could do was think of my Bella and hold back the tears until I got in my car to come home, then the floodgates opened.  Thought I was a little bit better then I had to open the back door where Bella would dance around me and give me kisses.  I am just so heartbroken.  I miss my baby so much.

Bella's Mom
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #22 
Bev....I am right there with you. I lost my baby girl two Mondays ago. I took off the first week and went back last week. I am a dog groomer so I work in a place where people do understand, but I will tell you that it doesn’t make it easier. I used to bring my babies to work with me and now Margarita’s little area is empty next to my table. Seeing all the clients so happy with their dogs just makes me more upset. I would sell my soul to have my babies back. It feels like I will never find peace.


Tiny Dancer....I am so sorry for your loss as well. Maybe we can all try to get through this together. Baby steps. Hugs to you.


Stephanie....Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for everything you said. I was nodding my head for all of it. I’ve done a lot of research as well on the different types of grief and I definitely have PTSD from losing them. I had a slight nervous breakdown yesterday and almost drove myself to the hospital. I am so terrified of being locked away in a padded room though. I’ve been taking Ativan for a few years for panic attacks and sleep, but I’ve built up a tolerance and it isn’t working anymore. I’m pretty sure I have complicated grief and now cumulative grief. I’ve been frantically searching for a therapist who understands the animal/human bond, that’s IF there are any out there. You are correct in that most therapist don’t take pet loss seriously at all. That is so absolutely disheartening. You are so right about people telling us to get another dog. That is the worst thing a person can say to me. I get so angry every time I hear it. I want MY dogs not just any dogs. I’ve always been an animal person and never been without an animal in my life due to family pets and such. But, my two babies were the first of my very own. And they were both with me from 8 weeks until 15 years.


I will tell all of you this....my biggest fear is that I don’t think I will EVER get through the relentless guilt that I carry. My brain is so messed up that I’m blaming myself for pretty much everything in their lives. This very moment, I’m stuck on replaying Margarita’s last few days. Do you guys mind if I tell you about what we went through? I will save Aztec’s story for another time because it will be too much at once.


Thank you all for listening to me. You don’t know how much this means. I’ve been holding everything in for so long because no one understands anymore.
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #23 
Dear all,

My thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you as we face another day without the sweet babies that we all loved so terribly much.  May we all find peace and comfort.
Please come to this wonderful message board as we travel this sad road together.

Sweet Bella's hurting Mom
my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #24 
Margarita’s mum,

Of course, tell us about these days, it will be healing and we are hear to listen. It helps so much
I wrote a long post about our last night with Teddie myself, and I did feel a little bit better once I got it all out.

I so so understand you regarding blaming yourself for everything. I have gotten so obsessed and stuck, that I was replying things that happened YEARS ago, blaming myself for every day I wasn’t with Teddie, for every memory i have lost of the times that we were together. To my broken brain it means I didn’t love her enough, if I forgot some particular details of this day and that day. I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t remember kissing her goodnight on our last night together. I hate hate hate myself for feeling tired and asking my mum to sit with her for a day so I can have a me-day and go to the cinema. I would give up all films and fun things in the world now just to be with Teddie for a little longer. I hate myself.

Will this pass...? Or am I truly horrible

I’m sorry for this...
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #25 
Bev,

Thoughts and prayers to you too. All we can do is take it day by day and support one another. It’s so incredibly difficult. Hugs.


Tiny Dancer,

You are NOT horrible. I completely understand those feelings and I hate myself too. So much. I also feel I didn’t spend enough time with my babies. I keep thinking that I wish I wasn’t such a social butterfly and stayed home with them more. The obsessive thoughts are ruining me. I hope that you are able to recover, but I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will share Margarita’s story now in a another post. Thank you so much.
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #26 
Bev,

Thoughts and prayers to you too. All we can do is take it day by day and support one another. It’s so incredibly difficult. Hugs.


Tiny Dancer,

You are NOT horrible. I completely understand those feelings and I hate myself too. So much. I also feel I didn’t spend enough time with my babies. I keep thinking that I wish I wasn’t such a social butterfly and stayed home with them more. The obsessive thoughts are ruining me. I hope that you are able to recover, but I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will share Margarita’s story now in a another post. Thank you so much.
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #27 
This will be lengthy so I apologize in advance:

I moved back up north where I’m from to be close to family about 6 months after losing Aztec. I had lived in Florida for 22 years, owned a business and LOVED it down there. I didn’t want to move, but my life was literally on the line. I was in crisis mode. Another tragic event happened to me only 2 months before losing him, so I was sent over the edge once my boy was gone.

I relocated in Sept. of 2017 and took Margarita “Rita” to a new vet in Jan. of 2018. I was bullied into dental surgery, they didn’t follow proper protocol and then they almost killed her. This vet has very high reviews and my parents were taking there dogs there without a problem (they were seeing a different vet there and I hate myself for not asking for her instead). Aside from arthritis and a sensitive stomach, she was a very healthy 13 year old pup. The jerk vet who also owned the practice even commented on how healthy she was and said she could probably live until 20. After that terrifying incident, she immediately started going downhill. I completely blame myself for ever agreeing to that dental. I hate that vet and honestly I’m not fond of very many vets due to bad experiences with both of my kids. I thought about contacting the state board, but I was basically told “good luck with that”. So, now poor Rita was dealing with cognitive issues and a heart murmur that wasn’t there before the surgery.

Fast forward a year later....Feb. 2019, Rita had her first 2 seizures which was terrifying to watch. The ER vet AND neurologist both suggested a brain tumor and that I let her go. I feel like vets just don’t want to deal with senior dogs, so they always go right to putting them to sleep. I told them no because I wanted to try medicine first to see how she did. Also, I opted out of the MRI to test for the brain tumor because I was scared to put her through anesthesia again thanks to the dental incident. She was on medicine and seizure free for almost a year until 2 weeks ago on a Saturday morning...which I will get back to. She did have more issues going on at this point. The dementia was progressing which was the hardest to deal with, arthritis and anxiety, vision loss and she lost most of her hearing. I had her on several supplements to help with her ailments. She had a ravenous appetite, went to the bathroom fine and still wanted to cuddle with me every night. She saw a cardiologist every 6 months for her heart murmur, but the checkups never changed, so no meds were needed for that. She overcame horrible stomach issues which ended up being an ulcer and her food. She was losing protein in her urine for a while and that cleared up. Her most recent bloodwork 3 months ago was nearly perfect. So I really had high hopes about all of this. She was such a strong little 4 lb girl!!!

So back to Saturday morning...she had a weird episode two times within two hours. She was out of it and didn’t look right so I took her to a different ER this time. They suspected a stroke, vestibular disease, or brain tumor that finally grew. Again, they suggested I let her go. I said I wanted to take her home for a couple of days and monitor her. She hated being at the vet. They gave her meds for vestibular disease and sent me on my way. The episodes started looking like partial seizures to me over the next 2 days, but they weren’t lasting long and were getting farther apart. So I thought she was improving.

Come Monday, she had a small one in the morning. She was very anxious that day and wouldn’t settle. My mom got me an essential oil diffuser for Christmas that I never opened. I made the stupid decision to try it, thinking it would calm her down. She had another seizure about 20 min after I turned it on. Immediately, I shut it off and opened the window and she calmed down. An hour later she had another one. At this point I should have take her back to the ER. Then 2 hours later, she had 2 back to back and the second one wasn’t stopping. I sat there and waited like a dumbass thinking it was going to stop. When it finally clicked that it wasn’t, I rushed her back to the ER. They injected her with more meds and it wasn’t stopping. They said she had brain damage because the seizure lasted over 20 minutes. It was time to let her go and I was shattered. I can’t believe I didn’t just admit her to the ER instead of taking her home. I can’t believe I didn’t call the vet when I noticed the episodes changing into seizures. I can’t believe I let her have 5 seizures in one day. I can’t believe I sat there and waited during the final one. I completely failed my sweet girl. It’s all my fault because I knew better. I knew what to do in the event of seizures and I didn’t act on it!!! What in the hell came over me??? What did I do??? This wasn’t an accident, these were terrible choices made by ME!!! She would still be here if it weren’t for my stupid mistakes!!! I feel like I killed my sweet baby!!! This is pure agony!! Please forgive me, Rita!!!! 💔😭💔
FelinasMom

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Posts: 9
 #28 
Hi Chihuahuasoulmates,

It really hurts to read your story. I am so sorry this has happened to you and Rita. It pains me so much to think that you believe you killed your baby. It may take some time to realize but you didn't. I'm a biologist, not a vet, but it seems to me that there was something really wrong with her neurologically. And it seems like it was progressing and getting worse, and that's not good. I can tell you from my own experience with my dogs that there is terrible regret from waiting too long. Maybe one of the best things I've heard that helps me in times like this is "better a day too soon than a minute too late." I hold on to that because I just had to make that terrible decision. I won't ever know exactly what was wrong or what if I had waited, I just had to rely on the experience of the vets and make the decision that I believed at the time was right for her. Sometimes we do the things we do, or don't do things, because we know intuitively that it won't make a difference. Maybe that is why you hesitated to take her to the vet when she had those seizures. Your heart probably knew what your mind wasn't processing. Please be kind to yourself. 

Felina's Mom
my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #29 
Dear Rita’s mum,

Your story was heartbreaking and I felt it so be similar to mine - me and Ted too were sent home from the vet (at 1pm) and told to only come back if she was throwing up. But she seemed to get better, we had a lovely bath and I brushed her fur peacefully on the bed. I was sure tomorrow would come. She had a strange episode at 6pm when she started to move in a strange way and her head wasn’t holding up, but this passed within a minute, and I was sure it was just fatigue from the chemo. At 11pm she had trouble standing up on her own, but since this happened last week and the vet said it was normal during chemo, we just cuddled up for the night. At 3am she was gone, in my arms. Stupid stupid stupid for not keeping her at the vet when we visited during the day. But she was so scared...
And stupid for not rushing to the vet at 6pm.
Could she still be with me?
I am thankful she went peacefully with me awake by her side, but I think it was too soon and I failed to save her.

Rita’s mum, I think you did all you could in that situation. You fought and fought for so long! And I think Felina’s mum is right, perhaps something inside you knew it was better to stay home for a bit, in a calm and familiar environment for your sweet Rita, instead of putting her through the chaos and sterility of the vets office in such a stressful time when her seizures were the scariest. I try to tell myself this as well...

Ultimately, Rita and Teddie would have left us very soon whatever actions we’d have taken. And it breaks my heart but also I keep thinking that at least they are at peace now, and compared to their sick days, right now they much much better off...

Be strong.
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #30 
Dearest Rita's mom and Tiny Dancer,

I feel your awful pain and sadness.  I pray that someday we will all be able to find some peace. Our pets truly are a gift from God and as such we would do anything for them to be able to be with us forever. Unfortunately that is not how there little bodies are made.  They are here to teach us about life and to make us better people in hopes that someday we will all be united with extreme joy and without all of the pain and suffering.

Let us pray for each other in this terrible time of sadness that we all come through this together and as better people....our babies would want that.  In the mean time let us be here for each other and help each other as best we can.

Sincerely,

Bella's crying Momma
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #31 
Dear Chihuahuasoulmates,

>>>I will tell all of you this....my biggest fear is that I don’t think I will EVER get through the relentless guilt that I carry.<<<

When you look at the rest of your life as being exactly as it is right now, you won't ever get through the relentless guilt. And looking at the rest of our lives as going to be  exactly as they are today is what happens to many of us. That's because day after day, week after week, month after month and even year after year nothing changes. So why should we fool ourselves into thinking  "things will change" when they clearly aren't? Isn't that just fooling ourselves? We can see first hand things are not going to be better someday, because we have had many "somedays" since the death and nothing has helped, nothing has improved. Aren't we just facing reality by saying "this is going to be my lot in life forever"? Well, yes and no.

The thing is, it will change. But the bad news is that it can take a very long time. It took me at least 5 years before I could look at Pearl's end of life experience with some of the blinders off.

I became a sheer mental case over her passing and all that it involved. I did. I was a complete nut job. Am I saying you are a mental case? Am I saying you are a nut job? Heck no. I am saying I was.  My behavior was desperate and not appropriate after Pearl died. And for a very, very long time. I went "crazy". I genuinely wanted to murder the veterinarian who was on duty the day I took her to the office and also the veterinarian I had hired to cure her. Carrying those feelings around for a long time is not normal. Oh, it's normal given the circumstances but having those feelings speaking in general terms isn't. Yet I did. For years.

What you are going to eventually get that you don't have now is a perspective of what happened that is much different than the perspective you have now. But like I said, it isn't coming any time soon. That change you are looking for. The change is how we view what went down. That's what changes everything. I don't mean some phony sugar coated change of mind. I mean a realistic change of mind.

If someone told me what I am telling you when I was in the thick of it I would think "B.S. You don't know what you are talking about because there is no freaking way you can understand what is going on in my heart and mind". And you would be right.

But the thing is, I can tell you based on my own experience which was the worst experience of my life, things changed. One thing that helped was actively doing things to take care of myself. Am I am saying that's the short sweet answer? Heck no. But doing caring things and sticking to it helped me feel more cared about. No one cared that my pets had died. I had to start showing me I was worth caring about. And show I am worth caring about by taking action. Self care is healing. It isn't a cure all. I am just saying it contributes to the healing. ESPECIALLY when no one else cares. No one cared one iota that my pets died. 

I had a family of 3 girls and me. We were a family of four for 13 years. Then within 18 months 2 of them died and 18 months later the 3rd one died. My whole family died.

I also learned from that experience that prior to them dying, I had no solid relationships. With anyone. I was like an island on her own. And having some kind of relationships is vital to our existence. I had really very poor relationships.

That is something that is still a work in progress. I had so much anger in my from prior traumatic events I couldn't trust anyone nor did I like anyone.

I am sorry you are suffering. It's a terrifying, hellish nightmare that you don't wake up from. It is there 24 hours a day. Oh you might have a few minutes reprieve or even a few hours, but it comes back.

Take care,
Stephanie



FelinasMom

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #32 
Dear Stephanie,

You've got friends here. We all understand. I lost my last two dogs within the last two months. Two years ago, I had three. I love dogs but can't imagine getting another one now. I feel like my time with Felina was cut short and it wouldn't be right to give to another what I can't give to her. I don't know if I can go through this again either.

Please take care of yourself.

Felina's Mom
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #33 
Dear FelinasMom,

Thank you for sharing what has happened in your life. Multiple losses close in time are double the trouble as far as anguish is concerned. And my heart truly goes out to you.

I understand fully what you mean about adopting.

My pets died between 2012-2015 and I have not adopted again. Experiencing what I did was such a nightmare that I would never put myself in that situation again. Unless pet loss has been a living nightmarish hell (more than just sadness) for someone, it wouldn't be easy for them to understand not adopting again. I would rather be bored and lonely than adopt knowing what lies ahead. Never in a million years when I adopted my girls close in time and age did I have any inkling that their deaths would turn my world upside down in a way I could never have imagined.

Having lost your last two dogs within the last two months and having had 3 dogs two years before that..and looking at your life now, it is a drastic change.

I really know you are suffering as you should be. And I am so sorry to hear of your losses.

God bless you now and always,
Stephanie
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #34 
As I sit here this morning looking out at the snowfall that you so loved I can't help but cry my eyes out over you.  You left me 1 week ago and the pain, guilt and heartache are too much to bear.  You were such a huge part of my life. You would wait for me to come home from work with tail wagging and whimpers saying I missed you mama.  We would then go through our usual routine hopping on the couch and reading the mail, only after you pulled the blanket over us.  Oh, little girl, how does one get over all of the heartache??  I miss you with all of my heart my sweet little one.  How I wish I was with you.  Please give me a sign that you are up in heaven with the rest of our loving family.  I can't bear not knowing that you are o.k. Remember my sweet little one that if I could be with you again I would do anything. I LOVE YOU BELLA!!!!!

Love,
Mama
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #35 
I think I am going out of my mind.  I just received a call from the emergency vet telling me that my precious little girl Bella's cremains and paw print are ready to pick up.  I want her home with us but I am afraid to go back to the hospital where she passed.  I am so fearful to walk in to the last place we were together.  Does she forgive me for not being able to save her?  Does she forgive me for leaving her with strangers?  Does she forgive me for having her cremated?  My heart is so broken I can barely move.  She was my life and happiness.  She was the child that I never had.  How can you go on after such devastation?  My Bella was my sunshine and reason to get up in the morning.  When I was sad she acted like a clown to make me laugh.  When I was sick she laid next to me for as long as it took for me to get up. My sweet baby girl I doubt very much that this searing pain and guilt will ever leave me.  I love you sweetheart....forgive me.
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #36 
MyBabyGirlPeanut,

A couple of things. As always, you can reject or accept. Nothing I ever say is written in stone.

First of all...there is a slight..yes, just a slight chance that you are taking this harder than Bella. I won't go into the why's or wherefore's  but with Pearl I was a basket case truly ready to be admitted to a mental hospital. By that I mean I didn't try to be admitted to one but in my heart and soul I felt I needed to be in one. I was out of my mind and my body ached. I was 1 million percent convinced and suffering over the fact that I had my baby girl killed. Not "euthanized", but KILLED!

It was a living nightmarish horror story that simply never went away and as time went on it got worse. If you can possibly believe that. That's because in the beginning of trauma we are either fully or partially in shock. And the shock protects us from knowing and feeling 
the full impact of what has happened. Shock is a natural built in protector. But as time goes on we begin to thaw out. And wow, that's when the pain really makes itself know. A living nightmarish hell that persists, won't disappear and in my case had me on the brink of insanity and of wanting to die. Like I said in another post..there is grief and there is trauma. They are not the same thing. What I am talking about is the trauma of losing Pearl. All that went down with her death. I haven't told you the whole story or even part of it. But if you knew, you would fully understand.

So you are very traumatized right now. That's why everything is the way it is.

As for the cremains and paw print..go get them! You can do this! That's Bella we're talking about. She is in those cremains. She is in that paw print. You can handle this MyBabyGirlPeanut. This is something you can do. This is not bigger than you. When I went to pick up Shad's cremains I was like you. Terrified, freaking out. And when I got there and walked into the place the staff were sitting around laughing. I was so furious on the inside. Here I was going to pick up my baby's dead body that had been burned to death and these (blanks quite honestly) are sitting around laughing. Not at me. They were laughing when I walked in. But I took it up with the owner on what a bad impression that made. And she told me that in their business they have to laugh or they would be crying all the time.

So listen up. You go get those cremains and that paw print. And also...consider just maybe, maybe just maybe this is harder on your than it is on Bella. Just maybe.

Keep talking,
Stephanie
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #37 
Dear Stephanie,

We did go and pick up my baby Bella last night. Cried uncontrollably for hours , held her paw print in my hands and kissed it, slept with her wrapped in a blanket with me all night.  I keep praying for a sign that my little one is in heaven healthy and playing with her friends.  I just wish I knew that she is watching over me.

This morning I got up and, of course, the first thing on my mind was my sweet Bella....then immediately the tears flowed. I went to this message board hoping someone would be here for me and there you were. Thank you so very much for you're understanding and insight.

By the way, I just saw the most beautiful red cardinal outside the window that Bella loved to look out of. Bella would sit up on the arm of the sofa and watch the animals in the yard.

Please dear Lord, help me through the pain and longing.

Baby Bella's Mom
Bev
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #38 
Dear Sweet Bella,

Will I ever heal from the loss of my soulmate and sweetheart?  You mean so much to me.  My little Doxie girl....you were with me through thick and thin and all the loneliness.
Forgive me but I can't get past those awful images of you walking away from me (trying to hide your pain?) and then seeing your legs collapse and hearing your loud whimper. I thought that I would race you to the vet and he would give you some oxygen for your heart and you would be better. I believed this would happen because it happened to your sister baby Peanut.  Was I wrong...I ran to get some clothes on and came back to pick you up and you seemed limp.  I ran to the car and, at that point, you seemed pretty listless.  By the time we got to the vet I believe you passed on my lap as I was driving you there. Did you know???  I know that the vet really made you scared and nervous...did you want to leave...did you want help...was I there when you passed or did you pass as I was stupid enough to try to get some clothes on before we left?? I pray that you forgive me foor being so stupid and not knowing that those would be my last moments with you?  The pain and heartache are only getting worse with each day.  Stephanie, you are so right...the shock protects us for a while and the trauma sets in.  What unbelievable pain and heartache.  My sweet girl you passed on Wednesday February 5th in the early morning and that is the day my life changed forever.  My sweet baby, my soulmate, mama loves you with all my heart and misses you so desperately.  Please forgive me and wait for me.  I am so very lost and don't know how to go on without you.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET BELLA.....your mom always, Bev
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 618
 #39 
Bev,

It is good you are expressing these feelings. They say you aren't supposed to say to someone "I know how you feel" because their loss is not your loss. But I DO understand how you feel. I felt all of these things and had all of these thoughts. I was (like you) 'consumed' about every fiber of what happened. Concerned about everything that happened from second to second. Nothing  was left out. Everything that happened and didn't happen mattered. And there were hundreds of things. Can you imagine thinking of so many things and they are all horrible?

But the good news is that by you expressing all of this, it means you are "processing" it. Why is that good? Because a person..any person can't heal until they have "processed" what happened. You are processing this right now. It's going to take a long time tho Bev. I mean as in a couple of years. So sit back and get comfortable because this isn't going away for some time.

The anguish is petrifying. And bleak. There is no end in sight.

But strangely and oddly..I swear to you, you will see improvement. I was so angry because I knew in my heart of hearts there would never be improvement. Not based on what was happening to me. There was no freaking way there could be "improvement". I was a nightmare basket case.

The rest of your life isn't going to be like this.

- Stephanie


MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #40 
Dear Stephanie,

Thank you for being here.  I have had one of the saddest days ever.  I have sobbed out loud for most of the day and I still have more tears now.

I don't know how to go on when all I see is my baby girl and all I feel is how much I miss her.

I don't know if I can go on feeling that "there is no end in sight".

The anguish is beyond all belief.....

Dearest Bella, please help me.

Your sobbing momma,

bev
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