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Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #41 
Hi everyone,

I’m so sorry I haven’t been on lately. I’ve been severely depressed to the point I have gotten sick. Dealing with 102 fever all weekend. Tomorrow will be one of my most difficult days. 3 years since I let go of Aztec and 3 weeks since Margarita. My loves. My soulmates. I will write again once I have the strength. Sending hugs and love to all of you.

P.S. Bev....I am feeling exactly what you are feeling. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Missing them is absolute hell. I’ve been carrying Rita’s blanket around with me everywhere. I feel like a crazy person. 💔😫

Angie~
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 619
 #42 
Bev,

Right now..in the here and now there is no end in sight. That's how you feel and that
is true for you.

But as an outsider looking in, I can tell you that the trauma you are experiencing and all that goes with being severely traumatized is one day going to start to calm down. Until such time it will go to extremes.

In short what I am saying is that a person can recover from what has happened to you. I should know.

I have told you I was a desperate basket case. There was no and I repeat no end in sight and 
nothing anyone said helped.

The only thing that "helped" was someone saying "this won't last forever". But it only helped for a few minutes. Then it was back to the nightmare that wouldn't go away. Back to normal I guess you could say. Normal was a living hell, a nightmare. Worst than a horror movie.

My body was tense, my chest hurt, I was crying and my eyes hurt, hyperventilating. You name it. And that went on for an extremely long time. In fact it got worse over time.

But eventually things started to subside. And things will subside for you in due time.

Keep telling yourself that given the circumstances, what is happening to you right now
is normal. "Given the circumstances, what's happening to me right now is normal".

You are having a normal reaction to a very serious loss. A loss you can and will one day
recover from.

Just not right now. This loss is such a form of torture but you have to ride it out. And I think the worst part is having no hope that it will ever end.

I know you miss Bella so much. You will never stop loving Bella but someday the painful part of loving her and missing her is going to lessen. And you won't feel guilty either that you are less sad. You won't be in torture that you love Bella and miss her but you aren't suffering to the extent you are right now.

You used to love Bella when she was alive and you weren't suffering. That will come back to you. Someday.

The agony of losing her is getting to you. There was like a big nerve that connected the two of you and that nerve has been severed and you are in excruciating pain. But not for ever. You will see that someday you can live life, love Bella and love her without suffering.

Right now that is impossible to imagine. I know that the things I am saying aren't changing anything.

But it's good to get some outside feedback.

Just be really strong about this. Cry and get out the pain, sob, scream, wail. But tell yourself that you can do this. You will get through this.

Others have before you and you are no different. You will survive this. Life isn't going to leave you in a perpetual state of suffering.


There is something called "continuing bonds". It is where you can continue to have a relationship with your pet. You can continue to have that bond. Just because Bella died it doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship with her.


Get some rest and take some hot baths and wash your hair. Do you things that normally would make you feel good when Bella was alive.

Take care,
Stephanie

MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #43 
Dear Stephanie,

Thank God for wonderful, understanding people as yourself.   Your insight is invaluable. You have helped me to ease a bit of the pain every time I hear from you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For now I must get ready for work and try to be strong for a little while.

Miss you baby Bella,
Love Momma
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #44 
Oh god, I had one of the worst nights ever. I know you all will understand. Once I finally was able to fall asleep, I woke up an hour later due to a bad panic attack. Fell back asleep again after getting through it, only to wake up 2 more times because of nightmares. I was drenched with sweat. I’m so out of it right now and I’m heading to work. 2 of my dogs today are super tough to groom. Grooming is hard on a good day. I guess all of this stress is finally catching up to me. Grief is debilitating!!!!!!!! 💔😭
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #45 
So very sorry you had one of those awful nights.  I have been having those terrible night sweats also.  Something that has helped me a little is talking to my Bella and wishing her a good night with a prayer or two.  I also sleep with on of her old stuffed animals that I wrap up in her blanket and sleep with it.

I know it may sound a little crazy but I feel much closer to Bella by doing this.

Please dear God help lessen the pain for all of us.

Hugs,
Bev
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #46 
My Sweet Bella,

Tomorrow will mark 14 days since you left us.  It seems like yesterday.  The pain, grief, trauma and guilt are somehow worse now the when you left.  I have so many regrets for all the time I was not with you when you were sick....had to work....lousy excuse. Now  I have extreme guilt for not spending every single second with you.  You are my heart my sweet and beautiful little one.

I wish I could be with you to hold and love you.

I miss you so very much.  The house is too quiet and my life is too lonely without you.  Please know that you will always be on my mind and always be forever in my heart.

Until we are reunited my little one I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.  May God hold you in his healing hands and may He help me cope with the overwhelming pain and sorrow.

Bella's Momma
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #47 
Hi my sweet Bella,

It's Saturday night and the excruciating pain of losing you is back full force.  The tears won't stop, the searing pain in my heart won't stop.....I miss you so very much.  I want to be with you so badly. 

You are my soulmate little one.  How is one expected to go on living without my little sweetheart and companion?  Life is so unbearably lonely without you. There are people all around but I feel invisible...just a shell with no emotions left in me other than extreme sadness.

Please little Bella know that momma loves you and misses you so much.

When does this heartbreak end?

Love you baby Bella,

momma
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #48 
Hi everyone,

I’m sorry for not replying lately. I’ve been fighting these fevers on and off for over 12 days. Had another one last night. Never had this happen to me before and I think they may be stress related. I hope you all are holding up as best as you can. The last couple of days I’ve been reliving Rita’s final moments in my head over and over again. When I would hold her sometimes, she would get super antsy and start to cry because she wanted to get down and pace due to her dementia. She was doing the very same thing at the ER while in my lap. Crying and flailing because she wanted to get down. The vet advised against letting her down because she had an IV in her leg. Then she administered her the sedative which completely knocked her out, followed by the final shot. It all happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to hold her and tell her all the things I wanted to. I was able to after the fact, but it was too late at that point. I hated seeing her struggling and I should have just put her on the floor. I hated that the sedative worked too quickly. I thought I would have quiet time with her for a few minutes while she was slowly falling asleep, but could still hear me. These last moments are burned into my brain.



Felina’s mom,

Thank you so very much for your kind words and your insight. I should have also mentioned that her legs were really weak and she would fall sometimes. I think it was a combination of being weak and her circling. She would get dizzy and lose her balance. The vets related that to neurological issues as well. I guess I was just in denial. Now, I’m struggling with the thoughts of letting her go too soon AND not soon enough. Such bizarre emotions go through.


Tiny Dancer,

Thank you for sharing your story and they do seem very similar. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s so devastating. I feel you did all you could for your sweet Teddie too, even though neither of us really feel that way right now. We may think we could have done more. I kept thinking I could fix Rita and in some ways I did. I guess I couldn’t fix everything though.


Stephanie,

Thank you again for your words of wisdom. I do find some comfort in what you are saying. It does give me a little bit of hope. I’m so sorry to hear about your family passing away and you feeling alone. I understand those feelings. I actually do feel like a mental case most of the time. The thoughts that run through my head are so scary and devastating. I actually started on medicine a week ago and the side effects are so horrible. And I’m on the lowest dose. I took this medicine 20 years ago without a problem, but since our bodies change, I guess it’s not doing well in my system this time around. It becomes frustrating and overwhelming when you try to get help for yourself and things don’t work. The more you have to keep trying, the more exhausting it becomes. I’m already beyond exhausted.


Hugs to all,

Angie~
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #49 
Hi All,

I am having a very bad time.  It is almost  a month ago that I lost my sweet Bella to heart failure.  I keep reliving those last precious moments with her when I thought I had time to get Bella to the emergency vet after she had collapsed.  I ran to get my pants on and I keep thinking that she passed when I was momentarily gone.  Why didn't I just hold her and tell her how much I loved her.....I THOUGHT I HAD TIME!!!!!! These feelings have been overwhelming me.  I think even though she was so weak she came out to be with me in her final breaths and I wasn't there for her.  I hate myself and will never forgive myself for that.  Why couldn't I have done more for her...my sweet soulmate.

I am a walking shell of what I once was when Bella was here. I don't think I can go on without her.

Sweet baby, please forgive me and know how very much momma loves and misses you.

Please be safe in heaven without pain.
Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #50 
Hi everyone,

I’ve been very sick for the last month and was just released from the hospital after being admitted for 2 weeks. I ended up needing major abdominal surgery. I’m still not out of the woods because I keep having complications. It’s a long road ahead for me. During this time, I’ve felt nothing but extreme guilt for not being able to grieve for my baby girl properly. It’s really killing me. Things are just at their worst right now.

Bev....I keep reliving those last moments too. I always say I thought I had more time. I wish we both did and I’m sorry you are hurting. I’m still here for you even though I’m battling this illness.


Sincerely,

Angie~
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #51 
Hi Angie,

I am so sorry that you are so ill.  I will pray for you to get better fast. Your sweet girl knows what you are going through and wants you to get better.  She knows how much you care and how much you are hurting.
I feel bad that you are going through these things at the same time.  Please be strong and know that we care.

My baby girl has been gone almost 2 months now and I miss her so very much every day.  She was such a huge part of my life and she left a huge hole in my heart.  I try to be brave and face the world but deep down I hurt. 

Just believe that one day we will all be reunited happy and healthy.  In the mean time know that there are a lot of people that care.

Hugs,

Bella's Mom Bev
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