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Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #1 
[image] 
It's been almost two weeks since we sent you on your last journey, my Bodie. I think it's getting a little better, but I still miss you so very much. Thinking about you too much makes me cry...trying to keep distracted with other things but it's difficult when I just want to pet you and hear your bark again.

I remembered when we were naming you, puppy. I wanted to call you Sam Gamgee after Lord of the Rings, but we have a "Sam" in our family and Mom didn't want to name a dog after a human. The Olympics was on and Mom saw a skiier named Bodie. I remember asking you, "Bodie? Is that your name?" and your tail wagged happily and you jumped up on me like you did so many times. I think you liked your name and it suited you, my little scruffy boy. (I still called you Bodie Gamgee _lastname_!)

I wanted to start a place where I could talk about you/to you without making people I know nervous. They don't really understand what I'm going through. So I guess I can "talk" to you a little bit when I want to. I love you so much, my puppy, forever...--Your mommy


Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #2 
My boy,

I put you in your urn tonight. I cut a little bit of your blanket and wrapped you up in it and put you down for your long sleep. Some of your ashes are going to the cremation bead jeweler soon; then I'll have a bit of you with me wherever I go. Now I'm just lying here crying and wishing again you were still here with me. I hope you like your urn; I'll put a picture of you on the front when the pictures I ordered get here. I know your remains aren't what made you "you" but I hope eventually it will be comforting to have a little of you near always. Love you forever; sleep sweet, my Bodie-do. --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #3 
My puppy, it's been two weeks ago today we put you to rest. I was able to keep distracted a good part of the day--until bedtime--and I started looking at your pictures and reading things I wrote about you. More tears. I miss you so much and I hate that you went like you did. I know you were old and ready to go but I keep thinking...that wound you opened up on your back...what if we had treated it? Maybe you were only so tired-seeming because of your wound. I know that likely isn't the case but I cant stop myself thinking it. I know you were infirm and old but sometimes it just doesn't help. I hope someday I can think about you without crying, because you brought so much love into my life and I want to remember how wonderful you are, not just how much it hurts that you're gone. I promise you I'll never forget you. Even when I have another dog, years down the road when we have a fenced yard again, you'll always be my baby, Bodie-do. --Love, mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #4 
My Bodie,

I participated in the candle ceremony on this website tonight, my boy. I don't know if it helped, but I sure sent all my love up to you and the other furbabies, and the human loves I've lost along the way. Your loss has me thinking so much of everyone I've loved and lost. I wish your fuzzy self were here and I could let you jump up on me and curl up and scratch the top of your head or your sweet bearded chin. You were a comfort and a love. I remember many nights of your body pressed into my side or lying content on my lap. You were a snuggler, that's for sure!

Trying to think of happy memories of you to call up when the pain is taking my breath. You never got the hang of fetch, but I remember your "roo roo!" barking at me when I'd throw the jingly ball and you'd grab it and run away, joyfully playing keep-away. Another thing I'll never forget is how utterly happy you were just to see me whenever I came home, barking joyfully, jumping around and leaping up to put your paws on me. I hated when I had to leave you at my parents' but I know you never forgot me and I never ever forgot you, nor will I ever forget you. You could be a stinky and scruffy boy, your gray fur sticking out so adorably. I loved it when your coat grew out and you were just the cutest fuzzy puppy ever. I remember when I would breathe at your nose and you'd sniff eagerly to drink in my scent whatever it was.

You always, always leaned your body into my hand when I pet you as if you were trying to pet me back and love me. I miss the sensation of your sweet chin in my hand so much, as you lying your chin on me was your way of saying "I love you".  I even miss the days you were having tummy trouble, but would still come over and ever so gently lick each kibble of dog food one by one out of my hand, because it was your mistress, your mommy giving them to you. You were such a gentle soul despite being so rambunctious in your younger years. I still hate that I will never see you again and I miss everything about you, my boy. Loving you for eternity --Your mommy [image] 
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #5 

My sweet Bodie,

Your memorial photo album came tonight, as well as your photos. I put your photo in your urn tonight and also added the photo to the first memorial item I got for you--a Christmas ornament. I also sent your ashes away for your memorial bead. It's very important to me for some reason to have ways to memorialize you and honor you...maybe because I'm the only person in charge of those remembrances and the one who cares most. I organized the shelf in the display case where your urn is, at least until I get a frame for your paw prints. I would like to get a better "flameless" candle for the area but for now, I think this is pretty and I hope you like it, my boy.

[image] 

I like having a place I can come and think about you, my boy. I also like being able to see you every day. When I went to send your ashes to the memorial bead company I started crying again...it feels like I'm sending you away, but at least you'll come back to me and I can wear your bead all the time. I still wish you were here with me, my boy, and I love you eternally.  I wonder when it will start to feel a bit easier. When my grandmother died last year I was very sad for months. This feels different and yet the same...both more and less intense, because you were a dog, but at the same time you were my baby and you loved me more than anyone else. I know I just have to give it time, but I still miss you so much as I go into the third week of not having you alive anymore.

I wish I could hear you barking again, as weird as that is. You were quite protective of your house and always barked when someone came in...sometimes we had to remove you from the room when people came to visit because your enthusiasm in the "roo roo roo" barking was just so loud!! You just wanted to say hi to everyone and be everyone's friend. I'm very grateful that you chose me to be your best friend and mommy. 

Love you forever, my Bodie-do...-Your mommy

Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #6 
Oh my puppy, it's a bad night again. I'm having more times when I go along kind of normally. But then my mind sticks on the fact that you're gone, adds in the fact that I lost both grandmothers over the past year and a half and all the friends I've lost and I lose it. Just spent fifteen minutes sobbing in bed.(Kitty Clyde ran in when he heard me; it was kind of sweeet. Neither of my cats have done that before. I think they can tell that I'm hurting.) Your loss seems to have ripped the scabs off my former griefs. I just want you to come back, my love. Why can't you come back to me?

I've started stopping by your urn every night to say goodnight. Sometimes when I open the display case to check that the flameless candle I have next to you is set on its timer I smell you. I wonder if you're near and I hope you are. Please stay with me, Bodie, I'm so lost without you...this hurts so much and all I want is you. I love you eternally, my Bodie-baby. -Love, mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #7 
My boy...today was a better day. I still think about you all the time but I don't think I was as sad today. The kitties did a good job of keeping me distracted. We never really socialized you with other people/animals so I don't know if you would have liked cats or not...you would probably have barked them into hiding and wondered why they weren't playing with you! But when another warm fuzzy body is cuddling me it both distracts from and makes me wish that I could snuggle you again.

I think writing to you is helping me process all this, Bodie. It still royally stinks that you're not here and I miss you but I wasn't quite drowning today. I know it'll come in waves for awhile. Getting your bead back might be kinda hard..I'm hoping to maybe sense you and know you're near. I haven't gotten much of that, except when I heard a dove, rare around here, coo for 15 minutes the morning after you died. I hope that was you telling me you're all right. I wish I could scratch behind your ears again, feel your sweet warmth next to me. I hope the pain fades but I will never, ever stop loving you. Miss you every day and I wish more than anything I could have you back. Love you eternally, Bodie-do. --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #8 
Sigh...nights are the worst time when it comes to missing you, my puppy. Tomorrow is three weeks since you left me...starting to feel like a lifetime has gone by already. I had a good day today spending time with my husband and family. But now that it's quiet and we're just relaxing, I see a picture of another miniature schnauzer and how much I want to see you comes rushing back to me. I want to hear your bark again and pet your soft fur and feel your warmth next to me. Miss you forever and ever...I've been looking at pictures of adoptable dogs even though I know I won't have another dog for years, at least until we get a fenced yard, and of course I'm not ready for another dog yet. I hope they're half as good a boy as you were, puppy-mine. The feeling of your head against me or cradled in my hand I will forever miss. Always sending you light and love wherever you are now, my sweet Bodie-do. I love you forever and a day. --Your mommy
jfivecents5

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Posts: 36
 #9 
Thank you for your lovely posts about sweet Bodie, they are helping me process my own grief. I lost my dog Mickey almost a month ago--a rambunctious Aussie Shepherd--to hemangiosarcoma, we didn't even know he had it. Some of the guilt is fading away (how could I not have known?) but I still feel pretty sad. Like you, I'm trying to remember all the happiness he gave us. It's so hard to be without our precious companions. If I try hard enough, I can almost sense his spirit nearby. Doing things to honor their memory is very comforting. This past weekend I printed out all the pictures I could find of our Mickey, to make photo albums for myself, my husband and our two adult children who are grieving also. Thank you again for your posts, I think it's a wonderful idea to talk to Bodie through this forum. I can also relate to your fence situation. We have an old chainlink fence and our neighbors have a pitbull--not that he's a terrible dog, but he fence barks and intimidated our Mickey the last year of his life. I won't get another dog until we can put up a wood fence where the neighbor dog won't be visible to any new dog--then at least the fence barking won't be as scary. This makes me feel guilty that I wasn't able to do that for Mickey. I hope the stress didn't set off Mickey's cancer. The vet told me no, that it was genetic as Aussies are prone to this type of cancer. Anyway, blessings to you and hoping you are sensing Bodie's spirit presence now and forever.
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #10 
My little boy,

I've started working on your scrapbook, puppy. Organizing your pictures sure brings back memories! Like the Christmas when all you wanted was to curl up under the Christmas tree...with the tree skirt wrapped all around your feet! That led to some of my favorite pictures of you. Everyone in the family thought that was adorable, and I'm glad we have the beautiful pictures to help remember you by.

I don't like seeing dog commercials right now, puppy. Seeing all the things you'll never do again is kind of heartbreaking. Still having times of sorrow and crying but that's to be expected...you were part of my life for fifteen years and I don't want to forget you. You really were the best dog...you got excitable when people you didn't know came over and tried to jump up on them, but the only time you ever hurt anyone was from pain as you entered your decline. Your favorite place to be was curled up with your head on my lap. I would give a lot to have you curled up next to me again.

Still having trouble getting into a normal routine without you. I'm not practicing my instruments as much as I probably should and I haven't been to the gym since you passed. But life is slowly starting to go on. It'll never be the same without you, Loving you every day --Your mommy

Jfivecents5, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I'm helping someone else going through this awfulness. ❤️
Bodiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #11 
Oh my puppy...

I'm feeling so lost right now, sweet boy, and I wish so very much you could come home. Things that I normally love with all my heart I'm ambivalent about. I'm seeing Paul McCartney for the seventh time this Sunday, my favorite musician of all time, and normally I'd be bouncing off the walls with excitement right about now. Nope. I'm playing shows with my bands soon and I can't make myself focus on practice; normally fiddle is my life. I know/hope this is all just a side effect of losing you...still going along kind of normally but with a fog over everything. I just want to see you again, pet your sweet fur and hear that roo-roo bark I'll never hear again.

Your remains are in a box in my living room and I still don't think it feels real that you're gone. I keep hoping I can go to mom and dad's and see you again even though my rational brain knows I can't. I wasn't ready to let you go...I know it was time and I saved you from suffering but I still just want you to come home. Please be near to me if you can, puppy...the only way I'll ever see you again is in dreams, as unreal as it still seems. I think it's getting better, but you being gone is just still so very not all right. Love you forever, my Bodie-do. --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #12 
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just pretend things are okay when everything's awful without you, Bodie. I loved you so much and now you're gone. You were my love for fifteen years, one of my longest relationships, and even though I can kind of function normally nothing is okay now that you're not here. Broke down again tonight and all I want is you. I feel like my friends don't care except a few who I'm quite grateful for. It's like a cycle...things will start feeling better and then the absolute wrong of you being gone sucker-punches me again and I'm flat under the awful grief. I want to see your adoring eyes under that silly gray fringe of eyebrows that we kept long. I want to pet your body and feel you absolutely thrill to my touch, rippling in joy at your mommy petting and loving on you. I want to get slightly annoyed that you don't know what fetch is, I want to clean up after you, I just want you so very badly. It's the most wrong thing in the universe that I can never have you again.

I just miss you and I hurt, my Bodie-do. Grief is the worst...it kind of sucks everything else away until it's all you can focus on. I wish you were here, Bodie. I wish you could come back to me. I love you so very very much and I can't ever have you again and that's not okay, it's not right. You were mine and you're gone. But I'll never ever stop loving you or remembering you even though the pain brings me to my knees sometimes. You deserve all the love I can give, because you gave me your entire heart and I'll cherish that and you forever. --Love, mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #13 
My Bodie,

A month, already. A whole month has gone by since I held you in my arms and cried as I released you from your pain. A month since I held you, petted you, heard you bark. I had a great weekend going to a wedding and seeing Paul McCartney, but knowing today was coming still made me sad and I had a moment of grief today, looking at your urn and knowing it was a whole month since I saw you in the flesh. Your bead came the other day and it's beautiful...it's a bit comforting having a bit of you to have on my wrist whenever I want to. 

I still just want to hold you again and pet you and feel you next to me. I hate that you're not here with me. It doesn't seem like you've been gone this long and at the same time it feels like forever since I saw you. Miss you every day, my puppy, and I love you longer than forever. --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #14 
It's silly, my puppy, but sometimes I think I'm starting to forget you. The normal times are getting longer, the sad times a little fewer. I still think about you a lot when I'm alone at night and I wish it were you curled up beside me in addition to the cats. I kind of don't like that I'm having fewer sad moments currently because it feels like an affront to you...I know that's not true, I know life will go on without you and that's okay and normal. But I think I'll always have times of missing you. You were my baby, you were the best puppy ever and I know that at least I'll never forget you even if it feels that way sometimes. I almost feel guilty for having normal days. But like I said, I guess that's just life...and besides, I can't imagine you'd want me to be sad forever. You were about the most joyful puppy I've ever seen. Your whole body would wag, not just your tail, and you loved bounding around and jumping everywhere you could.

I still wish I'd had more time with you. Since you stayed with my parents when we moved, I didn't get to see you much your last few years of life. Maybe that's a blessing in disguise because I didn't see much of the bad days and I can try to remember you as the happy, vivacious spirit you were before you got old. I keep trying to think of memories to write down so I really won't ever forget. I'll keep writing to you when I feel like I need to...maybe somewhere you know. I know you knew how very loved you were...your chin pressed into me shows you knew and loved me right back. I'll keep loving and missing you as long as I live, my boy. -love, your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #15 
Oh my boy,

I don't know why today's a bad day, but it is. I can't quit dwelling on your absence; I've felt like crying/cried off and on all day and have songs about loss stuck in my head. I want you back so very badly. I absolutely hate these waves...I'll be okay a little while and then I'm drowning. I jus miss you so, so much...I still can't believe I'll never pet you again. It's still just not right that you're gone. It never will be. You were mine, and now you're gone, forever, where I can't follow or even see you ever again. It hurts...I think it will always hurt.

I can't believe over a month has gone since you left us. It still has that weird feeling of the loss happening yesterday and years ago at the same time. I'm trying to get things back to normal in my life. I've played my instruments and gone to the gym. I have started having some good days. But the bad ones still knock me off my feet with just how much I miss you. You were absolutely amazing, Bodie. I even miss feeding you, cleaning up after your potty accidents or your wet dog smell. I don't know when I'll have another dog, but they'll never compare to you. Stay close, baby boy, if you can, if you're anywhere in this world or some other one. I've been so afraid that you're all alone or sad or hurting even though you probably aren't. You don't deserve any pain...you deserve all love and good things...you were a source of endless love and joy to me and I can't thank you enough for that. I miss you, forever. I know it'll take time to get over you...I knew you for fifteen years, after all! Maybe someday I can smile instead of cry. Until then I'll just hang on and love you, always. --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

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Posts: 26
 #16 
Thinking about you a lot this morning, my sweetest puppy. Always going to miss your wonderful fuzzy gray self. I need to get frames for the extra pictures I had printed that are duplicates of ones in your scrapbook. I want reminders of your life to be around always. Just wish I could hold you one last time.

The change of seasons has more memories of you floating to the surface. I remember many chilly mornings of you curled up with me or nested in your blanket. You'd dig and dig at your bed or blanket to get it just right so it was the most comfortable for you to curl up in against the cold. Your tail would wag so happily when I got up to let you out and you'd start to dance around, jumping around in excitement. Everything was 100 percent fascinating or awesome to you. You definitely taught me a lot about life in your too-short 15 years of it, my Bodie. I was so lucky to have your cold wet nose (warm warm heart) in my life. ❤️

Before you got old, before the pain and dementia hid your personality from us, you were such an active and energetic little boy. You adored a good game of tug-of-war or keep-away...never got you to fully comprehend the concept of fetch, though you'd fetch sometimes, especially if I bribed you with treats or food! I remember how adorable it was to see you prancing through fall leaves or snow. Winter won't be the same without dog-sized furrows in the snow or you adorably covered in snowballs (we made sure to dry you off quick each time you went out in the snow so you didn't get cold!). I don't like going through firsts without you...first change of seasons...first holidays without you are definitely going to be difficult. Just be near me if you can, sweet Bodie. Still a lot to learn about life without you, but I'll slowly get through it. Love and miss you forever --Your mommy
Bodiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #17 
Hi, my sweet pup,

Thinking about you with tears in my eyes tonight. The two-month anniversary of your passing is coming this week, and I'm missing your physical presence with me a lot. All the times when you would jump up in my lap and cuddle...I miss those cuddles and pets so much. I started reading memories of you that I had on Facebook. "Bodie! Quit licking my CDs!"...you lying with your head on my shoe as a pillow...being on your leash, dropping your ball, and chasing it the few feet you could, then bringing it back and dropping it again...giving my knee puppy kisses. You really were a silly, silly puppy, and I miss your sweet silly antics. 

Friday is going to be a difficult day, I think. I may be out of town so I may be distracted, but it will still be another reminder that the time you aren't here is just going to grow and grow. I wish I could hold you again and pet your soft fluffy fur. I miss you still, so very much. You were the best boy ever. It's been a better month, but thinking about you still brings more tears than smiles. Guess I just have to give it time...I'll never ever stop loving you, though. Loving you always--Your mommy
Bodiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #18 
Two months three days ago. Two whole months of you being gone. I got teary tonight as I passed your urn. It still seems so unfair that you're gone and I can never hold you again. I hadn't been on a walk with you for awhile before you went...I'd give so much for one more day with you, but I suppose it can't be helped now. I feel normal and okay a lot of the time, but thinking about you is like a punch in the gut because it hits me again that you're gone. Found some more pictures of you...you were absolutely adorable. I don't know if I'll have another miniature schnauzer--how can one be as precious and love me as much as you did?

I miss you always, my Bodie. It's still so strange not having a dog anymore. I don't need to worry when my parents aren't home that I need to go take care of you--that was another shock the other day; I started to think I needed to go let you out because they were gone and I remembered you are gone, too. I wish you were here by my side, Bodie-do. Loving you always--Your mommy
Bodiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #19 
Oh my puppy...life is going on without you. This month is five months since you left me, and when I saw a picture of a dog tonight it hit me and I started crying. It’s still not fair. Most of the time it’s okay, but you being gone is still so wrong. I miss you so very much and still wish I could pet your sweet head again. You were the best pup. The holidays will be so strange without you there on Thanksgiving and Christmas...another beloved one missing from the celebration. I haven’t written to you in awhile, but just had to come send an I love you out into the ether tonight, sweetest pup. Missing you always -Your Mommy
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