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Ljldrn

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Posts: 19
 #1 
Monday, August 13th, 2018, my swee boy “Bandit” passed away. He was 15 years and two months old. Bandit was a health robust Shih Tzu, black & white, beautiful baby! He was my best friend, my Blarney Stone, my constant companion, and my sleeping buddy. About a month ago he started having trouble breathing, my husband and I took him to the vet and they did tests, X-rays, blood work. No pneumonia, no blood work out of order, but they saw a small mass located by his spleen (the radiologist saw it the vet did not). She gave me antibiotics and prednisone and told me to see how he did. The vet also said his heart was borderline enlarged (she did not think this was an issue since he never had any heart problems). The mass...they offered an abdominal sonogram, and then biopsy, surgery, chemo (if it was CA) and radiation. I was like....”why would I put my precious boy through that?”...for one thing I could not afford it...but I would somehow manage, and another...at his age...he could die from the surgery. Thankfully, the antibiotics and prednisone helped...he got better and started playing a bit more. His appetite had decreased suddenly when all this was going on, however, never did he turn down a treat. On his last day here on earth...I had made him a grooming appt. as he was better, and his nails were in bad need of a trim, and his hair needed cutting d/t the hot Texas weather. I explained everything to my groomer (whom we had been going to for many, many years) and she said she would take special care and call me immediately if there were any issues. The vet office was also available and if there were any problems they would take him there and call me immediately. I waited nervously during the two hours, but...no calls. I picked him up and she said he did great, and seemed to be doing okay, even was giving her kisses. I took him outside and noticed when I put him down he was a little wobble on his feet but he did his business. He also seemed to be breathing a bit harder. I was worried. I took him home and the unsteadiness seemed worse. I tried to get him to drink and eat. He wanted none of that, not even treats. He did however eat a piece of ham...so I thought maybe he is just tired. I took him upstairs (I had been carrying him for a couple of years now) and put him on my bed...he wouldn’t look at me and kept turning away from me. I needed to go get his brother and sister, so I was worried he might fall off the bed. I put him on his furry blanket on the floor. When I got back up there I sat down beside him and noticed he was really panting. He again turned away from me and got up and slowly walked over to his pillow in front of the window. I had turned away to do something, and heard a big thud. I walked over there and I guess when he was trying to get up on his pillow he fell back down. His head was down, he was breathing hard and his back legs were all sprawled out. I picked him up and petted him, kissing him (crying all the while) and took him back around to his fluffy blanket. I could tell he was getting weaker and I got really scared...I knew something was happening. I called my husband who was out of town, and he agreed...take him to the emergency vet...he was crying also. I knew I could not drive, so I called my son to come pick me up and take me. He lives about 12 minutes away...he said he would be there as quick as he could. Bandit turned away from me again, his breathing became more labored, he was panting or breathing really fast and I could tell he was having difficulty. I kept petting him, telling him how much I loved him, and telling him it was okay if he needed to leave me, I was sobbing...I could not help it. The fast breathing/panting started slowing and about every 10 seconds he would take a big breath...I was beside myself...I knew he was dying...then the fast breathing/panting stopped and only the deep breath every 10 seconds or so...but he was almost lifeless by this time and upon exhaling his mouth was making noises like he was blowing through his lips. I picked him up in my arms and his head just kind of flopped over, but I thought he was still breathing, I was hysterical by this time, and ran downstairs to meet my son when he got there so we could rush him to the vet. I was screaming and crying and just sat down at the bottom of the stairs with him in my arms, I laid him on my lap and he maybe took 2 more breaths and that was it. He died right there in my arms. His eyes were open and I could not feel any breath nor could I feel a heartbeat. I just continued stroking him and telling him how much I loved him. My mom lives with me and she was also very upset (she is elderly and doesn’t drive, move well). About that time my son walked in and he said are you ready...he then looked at my boy and said mom...did he die...I told him yes...he’s gone. He said I got here in 15 minutes...I hurried...I reassured him it would not have helped. We spent some time with him, me holding him the whole time. My son called our emergency vet and they said they would be able to help us with his body, cremation is what I wanted, and they would take care of everything. I put my sweet boy in a blanket and inside a box because my son insisted because I was inconsolable and feeling very sick at my stomach. We took him to the vet, filled out the papers and they took my sweet wonderful boy away. I am still waiting on his ashes. I cannot stop crying, I don’t want to eat, I am lost without my best friend. He has not gave me a sign he is okay, nothing...and I am deeply mourning him. I keep going over and over the events of the day...I am not sleeping good and when I do, no dreams, nothing. I know it has only been three days...but I so badly need a sign from him that he is okay. I loved that dog so very much. I am hurting, just needing guidance, something...was what I did wrong? I don’t know...I keep going everything over and over. The whole timeframe from when he got through with the groomer to his death was 2 hours and 13 minutes. The last part from taking him upstairs until his death was 32 minutes. It seemed like hours. Any thoughts, help sorting through this would be appreciated. I am lost...:(

Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #2 
Here is a picture of my sweet boy Bandit. :(.

http://www.petloss.com/mbphotos4/bandit.jpg
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #3 
Bandit was very handsome!! I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it must feel very traumatic for you. Very all of a sudden, eventhough you knew he was sick.

Humans who are terminally ill have been known to 'rally', or appear to improve shortly before passing on.

I don't know about a sign from beyond -- that your baby is ok. My beloved Arby passed on July 31st and I'm not sure if I have gotten a clear sign he's alright or not...

I have seen a cardinal or another just as I've been thinking of him in our back yard, more than once. I hope that's my baby telling me he's ok. I miss him dearly.

((hugs))
Monique3305

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #4 
Bandit was such a handsome dog ! I am so very sorry. I lost my 9 yr old Jax on July 23rd. He had terminal cancer that we did not know he had 1  HE never showed any signs until 6 days before his death. When I saw his x rays I have no idea how Jax acted normal for so long.

We love our babies so much, that is why we grieve so deeply. i cry at least once a day. Today I am missing him more than usual.....

Hugs to you...may we all try to heal and remember the precious good times they gave us..
Deb
pb313

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #5 
Bandit was a handsome guy. This will not bring you much comfort right now as not much will. But Bandit wanted to save you his suffering. He knew the depth of your love. And then ultimately you got to comfort him as he passed. Not easy to think about now but it will at some point. He was loved for every single second of his life.

I lost Raider a month ago yesterday and it is getting better, but I still miss him and his sweet smile. Give yourself permission to grieve. He was a family member. I hate that it hurts this bad but that can only happen if you have loved that much.

Wishing you peace.
LifeHater

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #6 
I feel horrible. I know what you're going through, as horrible as it sounds Im glad I found your post. My black and white Shih Tzu Duke passed away yesterday from wounds inflicted by my Texas Heeler Scout we have set to be put down. Im heartbroken. Best of luck in recovering, I know its hard.
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #7 
LifeHater....thank you for your response! I loved my baby and I am grieving heavily...but I am coming to terms with it. My boy knew I loved him, he loved me. Your baby did too. He is okay now...not hurting anymore and he is forever in your heart. I have been reading posts from this website and others and responding and I believe this has really helped me. Keep reading and posting, it will help. I don’t know your beliefs but I have read many many articles of fur baby parents receiving signs from their beloved pets that they have passed and are okay. I was distraught because I hadn’t receiving anything...no dreams...nothing. Until 2 days ago...then coins started showing up everywhere and then yesterday we were driving home and I looked up to the clouds there was my precious boys face in the clouds so clear to me and it really surprised me. Maybe it was just my mind, but I just started crying and suddenly felt at peace and I know my boy is okay. I had my boy cremated (I live in the city) and he came home Friday. He has a special place on my mantle, a memorial in my bedroom. I talk to him everyday when I go to my room, I tell him I love him, and I kiss his picture (may sound crazy but this is comforting to me). Allow yourself time to heal. You too will be okay and find your own way to cope with your loss. Just look up...look around...I bet your baby(s) are letting you know they are okay. I know the decision you made is very difficult and I hope you find the peace you need. Take care of yourself. Post pics of your beautiful fur babies. I am setting up memorials for my Bandit to help myself grieve..and next month I am planting a tree for him in our backyard. Keep in touch. The pain you are feeling are those paw prints your babies left on your heart.
rubiabel

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #8 
Ljldrn,
 

Sorry for your loss, he was so cute. My little chihuahua Mia passed away two months ago due to a heart failure. I took her to the vet office and I was told that she was slightly decompensated. They gave her some meds and said that the best thing to do was taking her back home so she didn't feel anxious. She seemed to improve for a couple of hours, but then she went through exactly the same that your little boy and two and a half hours later she was dead. She was experiencing problems to breath and eventually died in my arms on the way back to the vet office. For weeks, I couldn't stop thinking about her last hours over and over. The vets assured me that it was nothing I could do to save her. Still, the pain is terrible and the feelings of emptiness seem to last forever. I guess this pain is part of the healing process and hope we will be able to replace this pain with good memories one day.  

Hugs to you...
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #9 
Rubiabel,
Your response was appreciated. I am so very sorry for your loss...as I know it was just as hard as mine. I still keep questioning everything that happened, wondering if I should’ve/could’ve done everything I could. It all happened so fast. I am trying to make sense of why he left so fast...just doesn’t seem right. I have received some signs (maybe in my head) that he is okay. I saw his sweet face in the clouds...it was just clear as day to me, I find coins, I hear his collar jingle, and last night I went outside to put the trash out at the street, walked to the front of my house and was staring at my stairs...and in the background a faint faint dog was barking...funny thing was I looked around thinking it was my boy as it sounded just like his cute little bark, I then heard the sound of his collar again. Some people may find this strange but I have been praying that some sign would show me he was okay...hopefully, these are it. It gives me a little peace however, I still cry all the time and think of him all day long. I brought his ashes home Friday and they are on my mantle in my bedroom along with his picture and his collar...that too gave me some peace. I will never forget my darling boy, he brought me so much love and happiness. The love I felt for my Bandit was a love that lasts a lifetime, and I cannot wait to one day when I see him again. Peace and comfort to you, your baby is right beside you, looking over you, look for the signs, you will see. We just have to open our minds and let the love flow in. I really believe this. Take care!
LifeHater

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #10 
Ljldrn
I just got back to this site, after being kind of...in a do nothing at all mood for the past few days. My grades have dropped in school, but Im getting them back up. I was just reading one of your replies and I keep thinking about Duke. There's something about Shih Tzus, that makes losing them a pain in the ass. I decided later to not put my other dog down, for the following reasons:
We are not sure it was JUST him, since we have never seen that type of extremely behavior in him
I don't want to lose another
I still love him a lot, and Im still on the fence of forgiving him and myself for what happened.
Im unbelievably angry at myself, because minutes before the attack, all three of our Shih tzus were barking at the back door to be let in. I walked past, and thought they needed just a little longer. I know everyone will say its not my fault but to me it somewhat is. While I didn't directly affect it, if I let them in, I wouldn't be on this site. Im so angry.
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #11 
You are not to blame...really you are not! You couldn’t have known this was going to happen...if we could all see the future what kind of life would we have??? We live day by day in the moment...and the next moment we don’t know what is going to happen...believe that! You need to work through this as anything anyone says will not make you feel better...but know...by talking about it you are! The decision to not put down your other pup is a HUGE step...I am relieved for you...I understand why you thought you needed to put the other baby down, but I myself couldn’t have made that decision. Losing one fur baby is enough for you to handle now, and no matter what you think...you could not have known this was going to happen. Forgive yourself and grieve for your baby...let those tears flow and start thinking about all the wonderful days you spent with him. I am trying to put the night of my Bandit’s death out of my mind...it’s hard...but I am trying. I feel guilty too...I am a nurse...should I have know my boy was going to die in 2 hours??? I think in the back of my head...yes...but really I didn’t know until the last 20 minutes...there was nothing I could do...believe me I would have. Your baby had a good life...he had a human who loved him...he loved you...know that! Take care and find your peace and comfort. :)
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #12 
I have been reading about guilt...guilt is a belief, and one that humans inflict upon themselves. We cannot live life without feeling guilt...guilt...healthy guilt is necessary in our life’s lessons, it keeps us from making mistakes again and again. If we are feeling guilty about our pet loss it is because we loved them, we loved them so much and cared that is why we are in agony over their loss. If we don’t feel guilty, did we really care about them? We cannot keep reliving our guilty feelings, but we have to choose not to...we cannot change what has happened...even though we want to...we must always remind ourselves of all the good memories of what we did with or for our fur babies, instead of dwelling on the bad times....we are here and we must’ve cared and I am sure we were great pet owners...they were loved and cared for. We are not perfect, no one is...we are not perfect 100% of the time, but neither are we flawed 100% of the time. WE ARE HUMAN, loving, caring humans...that is why we are on this site...we loved and cared! We have to forgive ourselves out of necessity. It is the only way we can go on day to day. I am writing this for myself and anyone else who is suffering from feeling guilt over their pets loss.
rubiabel

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #13 
Hi Ljldrn, 

Thank you for your posts and your words of comfort. You are so right... guilt is part of the healing process and we feel guilty because we loved our dear pets. I also believe that I'll see my little baby again and that she is always by my side, somehow. I hope that we'll find peace one day and we'll be able to remember the good moments with our pets and smile. 
LifeHater

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #14 
Ljldrn
Thanks! I understand. I had a bad childhood, and have seen friends and family killed, right in fromt of me, one of the incidents that stood out was my mom slitting her wrists trying to kill herself. My godmother ran in the house before anything serious could occur. I was 7. But for some reason, I haven't experienced a loss that I felt that hurt as much as Duke going, so that was interesting. I cried the night he passed, not again. Its kind of been on my mind, but I haven't really...I don't know. Im happy I found this place. I've talked in depth about deaths, so I could kind of put it behind me, so Im happy I found this place, again.
rubiabel

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #15 
Lifehater, 

I've just read your posts. Your story is so sad... but you should not blame yourself. It was no way you knew what could happen and we always see things clearer when we look back. I also think that this site is great, it's helping me a lot to speak out about my feelings and see that there are so many people out there who feel so much love for their fur babies. I am also feeling guilty because I didn't realize that my baby was about to die in a few hours. But then, no even the vet realized it. I really think that we cannot fight against destiny or Mother Nature. Simply, it was their time to say goodbye by now.

As you, I never thought that the death of my dog could affect me so much. I lost my grandmother last year. I was very closed to her and spent quite a lot of time at her place as she lived nearby. She died suddenly due to a heart failure. I had a really hard time when she passed away, but I never imagine that I could feel even worse regarding my pet who died due to the same reasons than my grandmother. I didn't feel guilty when my grandma passed away. I was in shock, but accepted that her heart was weak and it was her time to go. However, I find very hard to accept that my dog's heart was also very weak and it was nothing that I could do about it. I guess that I felt responsible for her wellbeing and, somehow, I let her down. Don't worry if you cannot cry, we all face difficult situations and go through the healing process in our own ways. Try to stick to the good moments that you shared with your pet. I'm sure that he had a good and happy life by your side. Take care of yourself!   
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #16 
It has been two weeks now...I miss my boy so much! I cry every day, I relive the events of the day and wish I could’ve changed the outcome. I know it was his time to go...but my selfish heart wanted him to live forever. He was my heart! Miss you my Bandit, my puppers, my pupper Jean, Bubby, stinkaroni...until we meet again someday! Stay close because I really need to feel your presence. Love Momma. :(
Ljldrn

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #17 
Three weeks have passed since I was able to hold my baby boy. I miss him so much and my heart is so heavy still. I am afraid I will forget what it felt like to hold him and how his fur felt. Still cry all the time. I love you my sweet Bandit!! Momma loves you and misses you terribly. You were a blessing and I was lucky to have you for 15 years. My best friend is gone and even though I have two more beautiful fur babies you will always be my number one. Until we meet again my bubby, poobers, pups, pupper Jean, my beautiful Bandit. 😢
rubiabel

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #18 
Hi, 

Be patient, you will feel better little by little. I'm starting to feel better now, two and a half months later. I went to talk to the vet again. I couldn't figure out what I have done wrong. I knew that my little one had CHF but her condition seemed to be under control. She passed a complete veterinarian checking only a few days before she died and everything seemed to be ok. Also, I took her to the emergency vet a couple of hours before she died and she was only slightly decompensated. So, I couldn't understand when and how her condition worsened so suddenly. The vet explained everything to me in detail and now I know that it was nothing else that I could do and it was nothing that I could do different. Now I don't feel guilty anymore, although, as you, I afraid I will forget the touch of her fur or her little face and I guess that's guiltiness too. Overall, I am feeling better than one month ago and I'm starting to enjoy spending time with my other dog. I am still miss her so much and she is in my mind constantly, but it doesn't hurt that much now. Last week I was very surprised when I found myself remembering good times with her and a smile came to my face. I'm sure that you will feel better in a couple of months. Your lost is still too recent and you have to allow yourself to grieve. You will find some peace soon. Hugs to you...
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