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SheCatWoman2

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Posts: 18
 #1 
I haven't been able to stay here, its just been too painful, so stayed with friends and family. 
Came back to a cold, empty, quiet home and again couldn't stay.

Tomorrow will be the first time in nearly 4 weeks I am allowing others in here and to be honest I'm dreading it, because 3 of them this week will either say "where's the cat" or "how's the cat" or "so sorry".
I've decided to tell the first other coming here a lie.  I will either say he's sleeping and is not to be disturbed, or that he's at the vet. I just can't deal with anymore than that.

The other 2 people who know me a bit better, are each coming here the next day.  One of them already knows but I am still dreading what she might say.
The other I know doesn't know why they've had to wait till this week to come here, but I've decided I will tell them whats happened.
But what I'm dreading most, is these 2 people seeing the cat's things in their place when my cat's not here.  I'm going to have to say to them that I am just not ready for anything to be moved. I'm afraid of their reaction, of what they might think. And I'm nervous of my reaction, that I could literally break down in floods of tears and I don't really want to do that in front of them.

But I cannot bear to move the clean cat litter tray, the water bowl, the beds and the scratching posts. They have to stay where they are.

I was able though, to throw away the rest of the dried foods. I reminded myself he wasn't that keen on those, as they weren't his regular dried foods. I've cleaned out the container, and put the container back in the cupboard where it was.

I also bought a new water bowl, but its in its wrapping as I can't bear to move his water bowl that's already here.

But later this week it'll be 4 weeks, and then this weekend will be a month, and I have again banned anyone from being here.  Those days I need alone.

It is just so hard being here without him being here.  




SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #2 
I am so, so relieved, that the visitor today did not ask anything at all about my cat, what a huge relief, he probably thought then, that my cat was in the other room (which in a sense he is, isn't he... just that the other room is now up in the skies...)

So, one visitor down, 2 to go tomorrow.

I have found myself looking at cat re-homing charities.
Then phoned a couple up.
Telling them I'm just thinking about things, but not yet, as I'm not ready, but maybe in a month or so...

And then I get sad, as I don't want my male cat to be forgotten in any way, and I am still heavily grieving for him, everything still sets me off.

But I did say to him before he left, for him to send me another one.

And I remember, when I had to part with my first cat, it took me 7 years before I was able to take in another cat.  That was a very long, hard, 7 years.
Then after my female cat 12 years ago, I took on my male cat just 3 and a half weeks later.  I confess it was hard at first dealing with the love of the new male cat alongside the loss of my 13 year old female cat, but the love for both of them was there.

Its not quite 4 weeks now, since losing my male cat.
Its too soon.
At the moment.
But, 12 years ago, I bought a new blue cat bed, and a new cat bowl.
And here I am now, buying a new cat water bowl, while greatly missing my male cat.

Anyhow I expressed my initial interest about possibly having another cat in the autumn.  They told me to get back in touch with them then.

The reality of my situation is this - the thought of not having a cat, well I truly won't want to stick around. I need a cat in my life.  There are cats out there in need and one shall be coming here, but when the time is right.

But not yet.

I first need to get through tomorrow's 2 visitors asking me questions about my cat, and I'm very anxious about all of that.
MossimoLove

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #3 
SheCatWoman2 i understand all you are going through very well.  i too have kept my boy's (13yo french bulldog Mossimo) things exactly where they are. I have had to isolate myself for the last 2 weeks because the depression has been so bad.  I havent wanted to vacuum since he had to go because i dont want anything about his presence to change or go away.  im going at my own pace as they say. i understand the anxiety you feel about letting people in during this difficult time both emotionally and physically.   I tried to foster a frenchie in need and it was too soon, which intensified my anxiety, sadness and depression.   I just wanted to say i understand and i think you are doing the best you can considering the love you had for your little guy.  

in silent solidarity, compassion and love.  hang in there.
Mossimo's mom, anastacia

JoeR

Registered:
Posts: 62
 #4 
Thank you for sharing.
Maggiesmum

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Posts: 3
 #5 
Sending love
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #6 
thank you so much MossimoLove and Maggiesmum, and to everyone else.

I'm sorry its very difficult to respond very much at the moment, I keep breaking down today.  But knowing you are here means a lot. Truly.

Yesterday, the 2nd visitor said she was sorry about my cat, but as I didn't want to break down, I immediately said I needed to leave his things where they were, which she understood.  I wasn't ready nor able to talk any further with her.

Then the 3rd visitor yesterday, I told him what had happened with my cat, he looked so shocked and upset, and told me my cat was a beautiful cat, which made me tearful, but he too understood about me needing to keep things in their place.

A heavy day.

And today.  It is 4 weeks today since...

Last night, I printed out a photo of my cat and made it into a thank you card, and went back to the vets today to give it to them.  It was very emotional, we were all trying not to cry, but I'm glad they know I appreciated the care they gave, and that they have a photo of my cat who they cared for.

I told them I'd be back, just not yet..

Leaving the vets today was very hard.  Hard to contain myself.  So I stayed out, and went to a place I used to live many moons ago.  A change of scene.  It was upsetting that the toy shop that had been there since the 70's has closed down, and a pub had been demolished.  But I couldn't stay there, it was all a bit much.  A quick glance around, and then I left.

I decided to buy a new plastic plate, a cat plate, and found one that was suitable, totally different to my current plate.  I bought a green plate, and when home, placed the current plate in the bin without looking at it.  It would just be too hard in the future to use the same plate. I bought a bowl too, but haven't been able to remove the current one, so just put the new one out of sight.  It's there, but I can't move anything or change anything more.

This is all too much.  This weekend will be a month, I just can't be here at home this weekend, this sunday...  so I won't be here this weekend, I will be away, its too hard.

Then an email from a friend.  They said there's an Fiv cat out there, but I have had to tell them thank you but I am just not ready to have another yet.  I feel they understand but I feel bad.  I feel awful.  I can't have another one yet, I'm still falling apart and the reality of him not being here is so, so hard and makes me cry so much.

I just can't stay here.  But when I come back here it hits me all over again.  I don't know if not being here is the right way or if I am supposed to stay here all the time, but its too upsetting, without my beautiful little boy...

Am I kidding myself in preparing to have another, by buying these new things, and having had the carpet cleaned, and enquiring with certain rescue centres, when all the while I would love to now have another sign from my little sweetypie...  I feel greedy, I already had 3 signs but I can't cope it is just so lonely without him strolling in and plonking himself on my lap and all the other things, but now it has been 4 weeks since I last saw him, since he was here with me, and this is the longest I've ever been without him...

Tomorrow I am forcing myself to be with a friend, the weekend I'm not here. 

Just don't know, this time round, the grief seems so hard.  Maybe I've just forgotten how hard it was 12 years ago.  I do recall though, 12 years ago, of feeling like I was in a complete daze and hanging around pet shops, which isn't that different to now.

And I also now can recall, that 12 years ago, the other vet rang me when my female cat was already an in patient on a drip, and told me they'd have to let her go.  So that time they made the decision.  I was with her at the end.  This time, I was the one who made the decision to end my male cat's suffering.  I didn't want him to go through any more stress, so I informed the vet that 4 weeks ago would be his last day.  It was the right thing to do, because my cat was suffering physically, and nothing was helping.  I don't think I feel guilty but somehow perhaps because I made the decision this time round, I dunno, maybe that's why it's hitting me harder, I just don't know. I was with him at the end, he had a very gentle and loving ending with me, the vet and the nurse, I just miss him so much, my darling boy...

2 songs I used to sing to him - My Guy by Mary Wells [changed to My Boy], and parts of the Kinks dedicated follower of fashion (they seek him here, they seek him there...  ...oh yes he is, oh yes he is!)

One thing I do want to do.  I've now looked at all his photos.  And there are about 4 or 5 I want printed out and put in a big frame on the wall in here.  Before any other changes, before anything else new is here...  -That is what I might need to do next, but not now.  Feeling way too traumatised after yesterday and today to do that yet.  Although the photo's are nearby.

Its been a tough 2 days...
Brandy_Mommy18

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #7 
Everything you are doing to cope...I am doing the same. I know your pain...I feel your pain. Be strong. I have learned that there is no way around this pain but to go straight through it and let time take it's course. Sending hugs...you are not alone.
f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #8 
Bless all your heart. I know how hard is to explain to visitors what happened to your beloved pet. I lost my Jack Russell 5 weeks ago to a car accident and thunk of him every day. I want to move on but the joy of being with him and the guilt of the accident makes it hard to forget. We all will experience our highs and lows, the important thing is to find support and live one day at a time. Do things you feel your pet would be proud off to memoralize.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #9 
Brandy_Mommy18 thank you and I send you, and f_defillo1 you too, enormous hugs.

I really don't know what I'd do without having you all here, its so hard, this pain, isn't it.
I remember when I had to part from my first cat, those 7 years till I felt able to have another, that during those 7 years, I had no support at all from anyone.  Back then, pet loss support was unheard of, mocked, and you really were on your own.

Bless you both and your pain but also thank you for sharing your pain with me xx
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #10 
Being away, I could breathe again, I felt physically that being away was the right thing todo.  But oh, coming home, I had to fight back tears all the way home, because I was afraid of being here and of not being able to stop crying like last week again.  I really dreaded coming back.

So I will be away again in a few days, it is just too hard to stay here, nearly 5 weeks on....

Ordered a multi photo frame, but it was grotesque, so sent it back and ordered a different one, to go on the wall..

During this time, I have bought 2 new cat beds, which haven't arrived yet, and a cat doughnut bed, but I can't bring myself to unwrap the packaging. One of the new 2's will be a replacement for an old one, but I am not sure when or if I can bid farewell to the old one, as he always sat in it in that room, but I am telling myself that the padding at the bottom is now completely flat and won't be comfortable anymore for his spirit or for a new cat, so I found a very similar one, its just a different colour.  The other new 2's, will be specifically for a new cat, who might need the igloo to hide in. The doughnut I might not even keep, too many changes I'm not ready for.

Had to tell someone else yesterday about my cat.  So blinking hard and upsetting.  She told me I seem totally different and not myself.

I'm not.  That's just it.

This has all knocked me for six.  I am feeling so low and tearful and can't cope with lots of things right now.  Today I think I had a kind of panic attack of some description because an annoying repair man on the phone was too much to deal with.  I just hung up and snapped and cracked afterwards, in tears.  Can't cope.

In a way I wish I was ready for a new cat, however conflicting it would be, but I am not ready, I am stuck in this part of the grieving thing.  But helpful things include looking at cat accessories etc online, music, sleeping, not being at home, not talking to anyone out there just doing my own thing with headphones and sunglasses, not picking the phone up, turning the doorbell off, not having lots to do each day as its too overwhelming, freedom to stop whatever I am doing whenever I need to, being part of this group, and other support, but, whatever I do or don't do, the tears just keep coming, and the pain, the physical pain of this loss, is just too great, and I am falling apart.

Am glad I'm able to not be here again at home soon, but again, the coming home bit, I'm already dreading it, but if I need to repeat this pattern then so shall it be, that if I just can't stay at home then I won't.

The reality feels empty, like I won't get another sign, even though I wish I could have another one, but the reality is he isn't here, and it hurts like hell, 5 weeks later...

f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #11 
SheCatWoman2 I completely understand how you feel. Nights are tough for us because that's when we spent time with our dog and that's when the accident happen, when we thought things were at its calmest, things got out of control. We have a bunch of memorabilia from our dog that we put in a bag and my wife decided to use in our next dog. During summer vacation we took our dog to this lady who watched him for about 11 days. He befriended this female puppy and got along with her. Now the owner offered her to us. After 6 weeks of grieving we decided to go ahead and bring a dog home. For starters this was a dog our Jack had a friendly relationship with, so we're taking care of what we called his "girlfriend", and second she will keep company to our daughter who has felt very lonely since Jack passed away. I would say dont rush yourself until you dont feel ready, but also give yourself a chance to love again if the situation arises.
f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #12 
For me the pain of seeing my dog's stuff around made it worst, so I opted for storing everything in a bag. My daughter opted for sleeping with some of my dog's stuffed toys, so I was glad we kept them around. But seeing pictures or items brings me sadness so for now I opted not to see the items. I do understand if for some of you keeping items makes it better. But open yourself to spending time with a close friend or walking in nature wich helps.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #13 
f_defillo1,
thank you for sharing.  I think the girlfriend is so special it is absolutely right she's with you.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #14 
It's 6 weeks today since...

I have not been able to stay at home much at all, and feel I need to keep this pattern of behaviour going for the time being.  Either that or I make myself ill with exhaustion.

I sent all new cat beds back, and the hideous multi photo frame.
Ordered another cat bed.  I wanted it to be similar to the one my male cat liked, but they are hard to find. Found one, but was sent a totally different one, and it made me angry.  Why is it so difficult to get the right cat bed?  Maybe because replacing his one will be truly difficult...  But I think at long last I have now ordered the right one, and it'll be here next week..

I kept looking at the clean cat litter tray with cat litter in it.  It's been there for 6 weeks.  It is hard seeing it. So tonight I emptied the cat litter and cleaned the tray, put the tray back, because it was his tray and I can visualise him using it, but I have placed the new blue cat litter tray in it, with a folded newspaper in that.  I am glad to still have his cat litter tray.  I can't bear to part with it.  I won't.  I'll use both for the new cat, but I'm not ready yet to have another cat.

The alternative multi photo frame came yesterday.  Its okay, not too big and not too flashy.  It's black and gold with carvings.  There's enough room for a few photos.  But all I've been able to do is put the frame on the wall, without photos. I need time to get used to seeing the frame first.

The water bowl is still in it's place filled with water, and there it shall stay until whenever.

The toys and one bed have not been washed.  I know I ought to wash them all before I get a new cat, but as I'm not ready yet, I won't be washing them or moving them yet.

A few nights ago I had a dream about my cat.  We were in a taxi, and there were all these obstacles, but he was always with me and I with him, no matter what obstacles we faced.  And that's how it was with him, we stuck together and got through lots together.

I have looked again briefly at cats needing homes web pages.  But that's as far as I go.

The catnip plant, that my cat loved but could no longer nibble on without throwing up, which I gave to my friend, it's grown so much, it hurt at first to see it but when I saw it the other day it made me smile.  I told my friend whenever I get another cat to give me a cutting of it.

The neighbouring cat comes here sometimes, outside, he keeps looking through all my windows.  I think he knows my cat isn't here anymore.  Then he looks at me, and rubs himself against me.  Then off he goes.  Perhaps he's just checking up on me.

And I still see the local ginger tom stray cat, who is still doing his rounds, who my cat was fixated with when he saw him in the garden.  The ginger cat comes, and then off he goes too.

And I feel sad, but then I remember that I will very soon not be at home much again soon and that is a relief.  To be near nature in a peaceful place with others who look after me in some way, helps.  Even though the coming home bit and opening my door and for a second expecting him to be there, then after a second realising he's not.  

6 weeks on...
f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #15 
6 weeks for me now as well. Its difficult, time makes it bit better, but not much. Walking in nature really helps, God bless and hope you feel better. I dont like looking at my dog's pictures, take your time.
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,125
 #16 
When my Blackie passed away I couldn't bear to move any of his things. I kept his food and water bowls, his bed, his toys, even the unopened cans of food and his medicine in the same place. I got mad at one of my other cats (Rufus) for sleeping in Blackie's bed, but then I apologized to him because I remembered they used to share the bed. Rufus is still alive and he still loves to sleep in that bed...

I didn't move any of Blackie's things until I moved out of the home we shared for 2 years and into the place I currently live. Before I moved, I purchased a toy chest and decorated it with lots of Blackie's pictures. Once it came time to pack everything up, I put all of Blackie's things (except the bed Rufus likes to use) in the toy chest and it now sits at the foot of my bed in my bedroom. It's been over 10 years since Blackie passed away, but every now and then I open the chest and go through Blackie's things, remembering the times we shared and the love we both had for each other. My eyes still fill with tears when I think of our life together. I love and miss him so much and I always will, no matter how much time passes.

I agree that being near nature helps. It really helps calm and bring peace to the soul. I was lucky that Blackie & I lived in a townhouse that was surrounded by nature. Our complex had many trees and some good walking trails and a nice little pond. It was very peaceful and we would take walks together throughout the complex. Those were some of my favorite memories - Blackie & I taking some lovely, peaceful walks throughout our neighborhood...

From what you are writing, it sounds as though you are slowly starting to heal. I hope coming here and sharing your thoughts and what you are going through helps. Remember, you are among friends and we will always be here to listen for as long as you need...

Hugs to you

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
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