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SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #1 
I haven't been able to stay here, its just been too painful, so stayed with friends and family. 
Came back to a cold, empty, quiet home and again couldn't stay.

Tomorrow will be the first time in nearly 4 weeks I am allowing others in here and to be honest I'm dreading it, because 3 of them this week will either say "where's the cat" or "how's the cat" or "so sorry".
I've decided to tell the first other coming here a lie.  I will either say he's sleeping and is not to be disturbed, or that he's at the vet. I just can't deal with anymore than that.

The other 2 people who know me a bit better, are each coming here the next day.  One of them already knows but I am still dreading what she might say.
The other I know doesn't know why they've had to wait till this week to come here, but I've decided I will tell them whats happened.
But what I'm dreading most, is these 2 people seeing the cat's things in their place when my cat's not here.  I'm going to have to say to them that I am just not ready for anything to be moved. I'm afraid of their reaction, of what they might think. And I'm nervous of my reaction, that I could literally break down in floods of tears and I don't really want to do that in front of them.

But I cannot bear to move the clean cat litter tray, the water bowl, the beds and the scratching posts. They have to stay where they are.

I was able though, to throw away the rest of the dried foods. I reminded myself he wasn't that keen on those, as they weren't his regular dried foods. I've cleaned out the container, and put the container back in the cupboard where it was.

I also bought a new water bowl, but its in its wrapping as I can't bear to move his water bowl that's already here.

But later this week it'll be 4 weeks, and then this weekend will be a month, and I have again banned anyone from being here.  Those days I need alone.

It is just so hard being here without him being here.  




SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #2 
I am so, so relieved, that the visitor today did not ask anything at all about my cat, what a huge relief, he probably thought then, that my cat was in the other room (which in a sense he is, isn't he... just that the other room is now up in the skies...)

So, one visitor down, 2 to go tomorrow.

I have found myself looking at cat re-homing charities.
Then phoned a couple up.
Telling them I'm just thinking about things, but not yet, as I'm not ready, but maybe in a month or so...

And then I get sad, as I don't want my male cat to be forgotten in any way, and I am still heavily grieving for him, everything still sets me off.

But I did say to him before he left, for him to send me another one.

And I remember, when I had to part with my first cat, it took me 7 years before I was able to take in another cat.  That was a very long, hard, 7 years.
Then after my female cat 12 years ago, I took on my male cat just 3 and a half weeks later.  I confess it was hard at first dealing with the love of the new male cat alongside the loss of my 13 year old female cat, but the love for both of them was there.

Its not quite 4 weeks now, since losing my male cat.
Its too soon.
At the moment.
But, 12 years ago, I bought a new blue cat bed, and a new cat bowl.
And here I am now, buying a new cat water bowl, while greatly missing my male cat.

Anyhow I expressed my initial interest about possibly having another cat in the autumn.  They told me to get back in touch with them then.

The reality of my situation is this - the thought of not having a cat, well I truly won't want to stick around. I need a cat in my life.  There are cats out there in need and one shall be coming here, but when the time is right.

But not yet.

I first need to get through tomorrow's 2 visitors asking me questions about my cat, and I'm very anxious about all of that.
MossimoLove

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Posts: 47
 #3 
SheCatWoman2 i understand all you are going through very well.  i too have kept my boy's (13yo french bulldog Mossimo) things exactly where they are. I have had to isolate myself for the last 2 weeks because the depression has been so bad.  I havent wanted to vacuum since he had to go because i dont want anything about his presence to change or go away.  im going at my own pace as they say. i understand the anxiety you feel about letting people in during this difficult time both emotionally and physically.   I tried to foster a frenchie in need and it was too soon, which intensified my anxiety, sadness and depression.   I just wanted to say i understand and i think you are doing the best you can considering the love you had for your little guy.  

in silent solidarity, compassion and love.  hang in there.
Mossimo's mom, anastacia

JoeR

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Posts: 67
 #4 
Thank you for sharing.
Maggiesmum

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Posts: 3
 #5 
Sending love
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #6 
thank you so much MossimoLove and Maggiesmum, and to everyone else.

I'm sorry its very difficult to respond very much at the moment, I keep breaking down today.  But knowing you are here means a lot. Truly.

Yesterday, the 2nd visitor said she was sorry about my cat, but as I didn't want to break down, I immediately said I needed to leave his things where they were, which she understood.  I wasn't ready nor able to talk any further with her.

Then the 3rd visitor yesterday, I told him what had happened with my cat, he looked so shocked and upset, and told me my cat was a beautiful cat, which made me tearful, but he too understood about me needing to keep things in their place.

A heavy day.

And today.  It is 4 weeks today since...

Last night, I printed out a photo of my cat and made it into a thank you card, and went back to the vets today to give it to them.  It was very emotional, we were all trying not to cry, but I'm glad they know I appreciated the care they gave, and that they have a photo of my cat who they cared for.

I told them I'd be back, just not yet..

Leaving the vets today was very hard.  Hard to contain myself.  So I stayed out, and went to a place I used to live many moons ago.  A change of scene.  It was upsetting that the toy shop that had been there since the 70's has closed down, and a pub had been demolished.  But I couldn't stay there, it was all a bit much.  A quick glance around, and then I left.

I decided to buy a new plastic plate, a cat plate, and found one that was suitable, totally different to my current plate.  I bought a green plate, and when home, placed the current plate in the bin without looking at it.  It would just be too hard in the future to use the same plate. I bought a bowl too, but haven't been able to remove the current one, so just put the new one out of sight.  It's there, but I can't move anything or change anything more.

This is all too much.  This weekend will be a month, I just can't be here at home this weekend, this sunday...  so I won't be here this weekend, I will be away, its too hard.

Then an email from a friend.  They said there's an Fiv cat out there, but I have had to tell them thank you but I am just not ready to have another yet.  I feel they understand but I feel bad.  I feel awful.  I can't have another one yet, I'm still falling apart and the reality of him not being here is so, so hard and makes me cry so much.

I just can't stay here.  But when I come back here it hits me all over again.  I don't know if not being here is the right way or if I am supposed to stay here all the time, but its too upsetting, without my beautiful little boy...

Am I kidding myself in preparing to have another, by buying these new things, and having had the carpet cleaned, and enquiring with certain rescue centres, when all the while I would love to now have another sign from my little sweetypie...  I feel greedy, I already had 3 signs but I can't cope it is just so lonely without him strolling in and plonking himself on my lap and all the other things, but now it has been 4 weeks since I last saw him, since he was here with me, and this is the longest I've ever been without him...

Tomorrow I am forcing myself to be with a friend, the weekend I'm not here. 

Just don't know, this time round, the grief seems so hard.  Maybe I've just forgotten how hard it was 12 years ago.  I do recall though, 12 years ago, of feeling like I was in a complete daze and hanging around pet shops, which isn't that different to now.

And I also now can recall, that 12 years ago, the other vet rang me when my female cat was already an in patient on a drip, and told me they'd have to let her go.  So that time they made the decision.  I was with her at the end.  This time, I was the one who made the decision to end my male cat's suffering.  I didn't want him to go through any more stress, so I informed the vet that 4 weeks ago would be his last day.  It was the right thing to do, because my cat was suffering physically, and nothing was helping.  I don't think I feel guilty but somehow perhaps because I made the decision this time round, I dunno, maybe that's why it's hitting me harder, I just don't know. I was with him at the end, he had a very gentle and loving ending with me, the vet and the nurse, I just miss him so much, my darling boy...

2 songs I used to sing to him - My Guy by Mary Wells [changed to My Boy], and parts of the Kinks dedicated follower of fashion (they seek him here, they seek him there...  ...oh yes he is, oh yes he is!)

One thing I do want to do.  I've now looked at all his photos.  And there are about 4 or 5 I want printed out and put in a big frame on the wall in here.  Before any other changes, before anything else new is here...  -That is what I might need to do next, but not now.  Feeling way too traumatised after yesterday and today to do that yet.  Although the photo's are nearby.

Its been a tough 2 days...
Brandy_Mommy18

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Posts: 10
 #7 
Everything you are doing to cope...I am doing the same. I know your pain...I feel your pain. Be strong. I have learned that there is no way around this pain but to go straight through it and let time take it's course. Sending hugs...you are not alone.
f_defillo1

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Posts: 27
 #8 
Bless all your heart. I know how hard is to explain to visitors what happened to your beloved pet. I lost my Jack Russell 5 weeks ago to a car accident and thunk of him every day. I want to move on but the joy of being with him and the guilt of the accident makes it hard to forget. We all will experience our highs and lows, the important thing is to find support and live one day at a time. Do things you feel your pet would be proud off to memoralize.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #9 
Brandy_Mommy18 thank you and I send you, and f_defillo1 you too, enormous hugs.

I really don't know what I'd do without having you all here, its so hard, this pain, isn't it.
I remember when I had to part from my first cat, those 7 years till I felt able to have another, that during those 7 years, I had no support at all from anyone.  Back then, pet loss support was unheard of, mocked, and you really were on your own.

Bless you both and your pain but also thank you for sharing your pain with me xx
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #10 
Being away, I could breathe again, I felt physically that being away was the right thing todo.  But oh, coming home, I had to fight back tears all the way home, because I was afraid of being here and of not being able to stop crying like last week again.  I really dreaded coming back.

So I will be away again in a few days, it is just too hard to stay here, nearly 5 weeks on....

Ordered a multi photo frame, but it was grotesque, so sent it back and ordered a different one, to go on the wall..

During this time, I have bought 2 new cat beds, which haven't arrived yet, and a cat doughnut bed, but I can't bring myself to unwrap the packaging. One of the new 2's will be a replacement for an old one, but I am not sure when or if I can bid farewell to the old one, as he always sat in it in that room, but I am telling myself that the padding at the bottom is now completely flat and won't be comfortable anymore for his spirit or for a new cat, so I found a very similar one, its just a different colour.  The other new 2's, will be specifically for a new cat, who might need the igloo to hide in. The doughnut I might not even keep, too many changes I'm not ready for.

Had to tell someone else yesterday about my cat.  So blinking hard and upsetting.  She told me I seem totally different and not myself.

I'm not.  That's just it.

This has all knocked me for six.  I am feeling so low and tearful and can't cope with lots of things right now.  Today I think I had a kind of panic attack of some description because an annoying repair man on the phone was too much to deal with.  I just hung up and snapped and cracked afterwards, in tears.  Can't cope.

In a way I wish I was ready for a new cat, however conflicting it would be, but I am not ready, I am stuck in this part of the grieving thing.  But helpful things include looking at cat accessories etc online, music, sleeping, not being at home, not talking to anyone out there just doing my own thing with headphones and sunglasses, not picking the phone up, turning the doorbell off, not having lots to do each day as its too overwhelming, freedom to stop whatever I am doing whenever I need to, being part of this group, and other support, but, whatever I do or don't do, the tears just keep coming, and the pain, the physical pain of this loss, is just too great, and I am falling apart.

Am glad I'm able to not be here again at home soon, but again, the coming home bit, I'm already dreading it, but if I need to repeat this pattern then so shall it be, that if I just can't stay at home then I won't.

The reality feels empty, like I won't get another sign, even though I wish I could have another one, but the reality is he isn't here, and it hurts like hell, 5 weeks later...

f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #11 
SheCatWoman2 I completely understand how you feel. Nights are tough for us because that's when we spent time with our dog and that's when the accident happen, when we thought things were at its calmest, things got out of control. We have a bunch of memorabilia from our dog that we put in a bag and my wife decided to use in our next dog. During summer vacation we took our dog to this lady who watched him for about 11 days. He befriended this female puppy and got along with her. Now the owner offered her to us. After 6 weeks of grieving we decided to go ahead and bring a dog home. For starters this was a dog our Jack had a friendly relationship with, so we're taking care of what we called his "girlfriend", and second she will keep company to our daughter who has felt very lonely since Jack passed away. I would say dont rush yourself until you dont feel ready, but also give yourself a chance to love again if the situation arises.
f_defillo1

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Posts: 27
 #12 
For me the pain of seeing my dog's stuff around made it worst, so I opted for storing everything in a bag. My daughter opted for sleeping with some of my dog's stuffed toys, so I was glad we kept them around. But seeing pictures or items brings me sadness so for now I opted not to see the items. I do understand if for some of you keeping items makes it better. But open yourself to spending time with a close friend or walking in nature wich helps.
SheCatWoman2

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Posts: 32
 #13 
f_defillo1,
thank you for sharing.  I think the girlfriend is so special it is absolutely right she's with you.
SheCatWoman2

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Posts: 32
 #14 
It's 6 weeks today since...

I have not been able to stay at home much at all, and feel I need to keep this pattern of behaviour going for the time being.  Either that or I make myself ill with exhaustion.

I sent all new cat beds back, and the hideous multi photo frame.
Ordered another cat bed.  I wanted it to be similar to the one my male cat liked, but they are hard to find. Found one, but was sent a totally different one, and it made me angry.  Why is it so difficult to get the right cat bed?  Maybe because replacing his one will be truly difficult...  But I think at long last I have now ordered the right one, and it'll be here next week..

I kept looking at the clean cat litter tray with cat litter in it.  It's been there for 6 weeks.  It is hard seeing it. So tonight I emptied the cat litter and cleaned the tray, put the tray back, because it was his tray and I can visualise him using it, but I have placed the new blue cat litter tray in it, with a folded newspaper in that.  I am glad to still have his cat litter tray.  I can't bear to part with it.  I won't.  I'll use both for the new cat, but I'm not ready yet to have another cat.

The alternative multi photo frame came yesterday.  Its okay, not too big and not too flashy.  It's black and gold with carvings.  There's enough room for a few photos.  But all I've been able to do is put the frame on the wall, without photos. I need time to get used to seeing the frame first.

The water bowl is still in it's place filled with water, and there it shall stay until whenever.

The toys and one bed have not been washed.  I know I ought to wash them all before I get a new cat, but as I'm not ready yet, I won't be washing them or moving them yet.

A few nights ago I had a dream about my cat.  We were in a taxi, and there were all these obstacles, but he was always with me and I with him, no matter what obstacles we faced.  And that's how it was with him, we stuck together and got through lots together.

I have looked again briefly at cats needing homes web pages.  But that's as far as I go.

The catnip plant, that my cat loved but could no longer nibble on without throwing up, which I gave to my friend, it's grown so much, it hurt at first to see it but when I saw it the other day it made me smile.  I told my friend whenever I get another cat to give me a cutting of it.

The neighbouring cat comes here sometimes, outside, he keeps looking through all my windows.  I think he knows my cat isn't here anymore.  Then he looks at me, and rubs himself against me.  Then off he goes.  Perhaps he's just checking up on me.

And I still see the local ginger tom stray cat, who is still doing his rounds, who my cat was fixated with when he saw him in the garden.  The ginger cat comes, and then off he goes too.

And I feel sad, but then I remember that I will very soon not be at home much again soon and that is a relief.  To be near nature in a peaceful place with others who look after me in some way, helps.  Even though the coming home bit and opening my door and for a second expecting him to be there, then after a second realising he's not.  

6 weeks on...
f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #15 
6 weeks for me now as well. Its difficult, time makes it bit better, but not much. Walking in nature really helps, God bless and hope you feel better. I dont like looking at my dog's pictures, take your time.
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,147
 #16 
When my Blackie passed away I couldn't bear to move any of his things. I kept his food and water bowls, his bed, his toys, even the unopened cans of food and his medicine in the same place. I got mad at one of my other cats (Rufus) for sleeping in Blackie's bed, but then I apologized to him because I remembered they used to share the bed. Rufus is still alive and he still loves to sleep in that bed...

I didn't move any of Blackie's things until I moved out of the home we shared for 2 years and into the place I currently live. Before I moved, I purchased a toy chest and decorated it with lots of Blackie's pictures. Once it came time to pack everything up, I put all of Blackie's things (except the bed Rufus likes to use) in the toy chest and it now sits at the foot of my bed in my bedroom. It's been over 10 years since Blackie passed away, but every now and then I open the chest and go through Blackie's things, remembering the times we shared and the love we both had for each other. My eyes still fill with tears when I think of our life together. I love and miss him so much and I always will, no matter how much time passes.

I agree that being near nature helps. It really helps calm and bring peace to the soul. I was lucky that Blackie & I lived in a townhouse that was surrounded by nature. Our complex had many trees and some good walking trails and a nice little pond. It was very peaceful and we would take walks together throughout the complex. Those were some of my favorite memories - Blackie & I taking some lovely, peaceful walks throughout our neighborhood...

From what you are writing, it sounds as though you are slowly starting to heal. I hope coming here and sharing your thoughts and what you are going through helps. Remember, you are among friends and we will always be here to listen for as long as you need...

Hugs to you

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #17 
thanks guys xx

it's now 7 and a half weeks since...

Only today was I able to put the selected photos of my male cat in the multi photo frame.  They're all in it now, on the wall.  And in a way I can now "touch" his face and kiss him, speak to him calling him by his name, and stroke him, in the photos...  I am glad he's now up on my wall, it's like he's here again somehow, though, of course, I get tearful because I wish he really was here but he isn't...

Yesterday I had to tell someone else about my cat, it felt harder than before, I got upset.  They were ok about it all.

And so the saga of getting new appropriate cat beds continues.  All the ones received to date have turned out to be awful (cheaply made, terrible material, etc).  I have ordered 3 more, ones a bit small but I will probably keep it, and I hope the other 2 of them will be the right replacements.  As said, I am fussy about which beds because in a way I want my cat's approval even though he isn't here...  I know which type of beds he liked best and those are hard to now find 12 years later... but I haven't given up.  If I am to find new ones they must be perfect, otherwise it just doesn't feel right.  I am preparing for a new cat, but at the same time the beds have to be ones my male cat who isn't here liked.  Does that sound mad?  Probably, but I can't do anything any other way..

I am glad to have found his food bowl online in a different colour, even though that company has stopped making that particular design, but as I am not sure I can bear to use my male cat's feeding bowl then the next best thing is to have it in a different colour, for the new cat.

This last week I have been contacted by a cattery to see if I'm ready to take on a cat but I wanted to inform them thanks but I am not ready yet. I couldn't even do that.  I said I was away (which I am not), because I can't cope with any possible pressure by anyone about anything.  I want to feel free to decide when I'm ready, you see... and I'm not, yet..

I'm still finding things much more stressful than ever before, including being expected to do or attend something which I just can't, and including external noise, such as people intruding into my space.  Can't handle it.  Still need space, isolation, solitude, peace and quiet.  Still stuck in the grieving thing, even if tears aren't never ending as they were, the pain still hurts as badly, like a part of me has been ripped away, the pain of losing him, of him not being here...  7 and a half weeks on...
f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #18 
It takes time, God bless. Walking in nature alone really helped me. After 8 weeks we're feeling bit better, but I remember my dog every single minute of my life. We walk this path alone, only nature will empathize.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #19 
thanks f_defillo1 xx

It's now over 8 and a half weeks since...

I've been indoors a lot and its been hard, but in a way, seeing his photos on the wall I am able to state to myself that "he's back".  I am able to "talk" to him (looking at him in the photos) and say all the nicknames to him as I did when he was here.  It feels a relief to be able to say them all to him again.  Even though he's not here...

I now have 3 new cat beds and will use parts of the old ones which are losing their oomph to make the new ones less uneasy and more...  ...more okay...  ...for me to have here and for his memory and for the new cat...  I have tried to place each new bed where the old one/s were and didn't feel comfortable so now they're all on the floor the new ones, till I work out how to feel more okay with them all being partial replacements.   I don't like that word, replacement, at the moment, I don't want to replace anything or anyone, I don't want what was to ever be forgotten, I want to feel like nothing will ever fade away...  I don't want my cat to be forgotten...  I have cleaned the rest of his bedding and his toys which still smell of catnip which I'm pleased about.  They stay, they aren't going anywhere.  Yes, I shall somehow incorporate his beds or parts of them, onto the new ones, so that in a way they stay too, without being replaced...

Recently stroked a cat I didn't know, the cat was so calm, and allowed me to stroke him as much as I wanted to.  It was the first time I'd properly stroked a cat since...  It was nice...

Had another look at online cat rehoming places, but again I can go no further.  I am not ready.

Mid-week will be 2 months exactly since...  -I won't be here, I don't feel I can stay here, will be looked after again by others, I just can't be here.  It still hurts like hell.


f_defillo1

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Posts: 27
 #20 
Take your time. The fact that you were able to show some love to another cat is progress. Don't feel you're disrespecting your cat by showing love to another cat. Take it one day at a time and I walk alot in nature to meditate and feel closer to nature and all the wonderful animals God has given us.
SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #21 
thank you f_defillo1..

it will soon be 10 whole weeks since...

And sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with sadness and pain and emotion & tears, thinking about his last day, realising he is not here, and how I miss him so much..

I couldn't keep any of the new cat beds, except for one - they made me feel uncomfortable, they all had to go (to those who needed them).  Have chosen instead (thanks cuz) to repair the ones that were his, for the next cat, I can't bear to part with them and I don't want them to be replaced, so here they stay. With an added cushion too. 

Bought a couple of new toys, they are exactly the same as his toys, one or 2 in another colour, just one is a different shape but it's still a catnip one.

I don't need nor want to part with his things and why should I, they belong here, they can be re-used, and I know the next cat will like them too.

Phoned one of the cat adoption places, I'm having a home visit in the next week or so, but if I don't feel ready to take on a cat I will tell them this, I'm sure they'll understand, but it won't hurt having a home visit, if anything it will be nice to talk about my male cat.  They'll soon know I'm just another crazy cat lady, and hopefully they'll approve.

so it's kinda all over the place but in a way it's the way I have to go, and perhaps my male cat is guiding me this way...  ...I like to think so...


f_defillo1

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #22 
I think you're doing fine. One step at a time. You're open to adopting another cat and that is great. Hopefully it works out for you, but if you find out you need more time, then be it. If loving animals means we're crazy, then be it as well, I think is the good kind of crazy anyway. God bless.
SheCatWoman2

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Posts: 32
 #23 
God bless you too, F_defillo1 xx

So the beds I donated to a cat rehoming organisation.  And the others are now repaired and washed, and ready...

And I had the home visit.  The lady was very gentle with me when I said I wasn't sure if I was ready to have another cat, but she then told me about this little female cat who wouldn't let anyone near her.  She showed me her photo.   It felt perfectly natural to respond to her by saying to bring her round next weekend...  The lady said it might not work out, the cat might be too aggressive, but this is the type of cat I would be open to having because they are always harder to home.  She told me to treat it more like a project... 

I have "spoken" to my male cat, its now coming up to 11 weeks since he...  I have tried to look at him in his photos about this little female cat, and I don't feel any disapproval... 

The lady knows I am still grieving and hurting about the loss of my male cat.

It won't only be me who will be readjusting, the cat will too.  I don't know how this is going to pan out, it all depends on the new female cat.  There is no rush, but there'll be a period of calmness and lots of gentle looking and gentle talking, without touching, as I'm sure she won't want the touching.  That's okay. 

I am glad I have a week to go, instead of it being like, today.

You guys are the first I've told about this, the new female cat.  

This week will probably feel different because I now have 2 cats on my mind, my beautiful male cat who I miss dreadfully, and the little female cat who doesn't trust anyone right now..

to be continued...

overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #24 
Hi SheCatWoman2:  i just lost my 20 year old beloved angel yesterday and am really really struggling with grief.

I have read your posts from the last few weeks and have to say that you have encouraged me and offer me hope, as I have seen you progress and grow through your grief.

Thank you. I look forward to the continuation of your story.

SheCatWoman2

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #25 
thank you sweet overwhelmed xx  I am so sorry about your loss, I truly feel for you..

thank you for your lovely words.

of course its up and down, up and down, I've been thinking about which corner to designate for the new female cat, and stuff, but then I look at the photos of my male cat of one of the last photos of us together, and I can't stop weeping and crying my eyes out tonight...  I miss him so much, it hurts so much, 

somebody told me a little while ago that it would be best if I got another cat sooner rather than later, given the relentless crying and very low mood.

I'm just reminded of when I first got my male cat as a 6 week old kitten who wasn't well, just 3 and a half weeks after the loss of my last female cat.  It was really hard handling 2 sets of feelings and 2 sets of emotions, and it is again now, with the recent loss of my 12 year old male cat and a week left of feeling this grief in full, a week left before another cat comes here.  I am very open to having the new little female cat, but, in a strange sense, its like another goodbye, a goodbye of the grief taking hold without being able to stop it.  

Another change, like the new beds and bowls, another cat.  

I'm looking forward to looking after the new female cat, but, I just don't want my male cat to be forgotten and I wish that now more than ever, during the next week, that I get some kind of sign from him, before the little female cat comes here.  I think I'd feel better if I could just have another sign.

Gotta stop crying gotta go sleep, tomorrow is a hectic day, but on monday my friend will give me a cutting of the catnip plant I gave to him.  I've told him to keep the plant as it's doing well there.

so its a case of things being up, then down, then up then down...


overwhelmed

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 #26 
Dear SheCatWoman2: thank you for your post and for providing insight..

In reference to considering adopting a cat after the death of your male cat...you said it would be hard to deal with "2 sets of emotions and feeings", obviously the mourning of your male cat and the excitement of a new cat. That really put things into perspective for me. I can appreciate that if one hasnt fully and completely mourned, adding a new pet could be detrimental.

I know some folks wait a very long time before accepting a new member, and yet some folks never accept another. We all handle grief differently. I have always had the perspective that by not having an animal in my life, I am only missing out on the love they can give and as a result, I always have multiple pets in my life. I think in some respects this offers me a false set of protection and hope. If I lose a dear pet, theoretically I will still have the love of the remaining pet.

Have you ever shared the name of your much loved boy?
Just my opinion but I don't think he will ever be forgotten. As long as you live, he will be remembered. And I am betting that he would not want you to be sad or unhappy.

f_defillo1

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 #27 
Dear SheCatWoman2,
I think you're doing a wonderful thing by at least trying to home this female cat in your home.  Especially, since you mentioned, she might be a bit hard to rehome otherwise.  Praying it works out and that you're at peace with your male cat in Heaven and your female cat on Earth.  Its like a connection between the two.  I still think about Jack every single day, although the pain has eased a bit, it doesn't mean I have stopped loving my dog.  I'm sure he's happy in heaven and looking down to me hoping I'm happy on Earth.  Coincidentally we got this new puppy who spent some time with Jack on Earth, so I feel an instant connection to Jack in Heaven and Luna on Earth.  Please share with us how it goes with the new feline friend, and God bless for opening your heart to another pet.
f_defillo1

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 #28 
Overwhelmed so sorry for your loss. 20 beautiful years with your beloved pet. Its a reason to grieve, but also celebrate in a way all the beautiful memories you had.
f_defillo1

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 #29 
Its hard losing and loving a pet, and welcoming a new one. We got a puppy 8 weeks after the death of Jack and it wasnt easy. Bitter sweet. Constant reminder of Jack, but Luna brings a sense of happines and tranquility, like if Jack wouldve chosen her for us, to make us happy.
overwhelmed

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 #30 
Thank you f_defillo1   for your kind words.

You are correct, a lot of wonderful memories over 20 years! Ripley was in my life longer than some of my relationships - he was a constant bright light!

So happy to hear you have Luna in your life, although I know that doesn't lessen the pain of your loss of Jack.
SheCatWoman2

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 #31 
overwhelmed,
thank you - your bright light is a lovely description, and my thoughts are with you too xx

f_defillo1,
I'm very happy to read that Luna is doing great and that you are too, that's so special x
SheCatWoman2

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 #32 
it is now 11 weeks since my male cat...

He's been on my mind a lot, especially this morning...

Its a weird day.  11 whole weeks and I cry for I remember the bad and the loving, and I miss him.  I wanted so much to have a sign from him this week, because the new female cat is coming tomorrow.  I deliberately looked for a sign.  Nothing happened.  Until, I got a letter from a family member speaking to me as if it was my male cat speaking directly to me and it really got to me, saying things like he's in cat heaven and that he'd want me to look after his cat cousins who are in need and that he approves and thinks the female cat will be coming to the right home..  made me cry.  Was that the sign from him?  Was it, I don't know, but it struck a chord and for a moment I believed it to be him...  sounds mad, probably, I know, but perhaps that was the sign...

I had a dream last night about the new female cat, that she became affectionate and trusting of me from day one..

It's 11 weeks since and I Thank You For The Days...days I'll remember all my life (song)... and through the tears and the loss and the intense pain of losing him, I am so glad to see his collage of photos in that frame on the wall everyday, and it's also now The Day Before You Came (song)..  2 sets of things, side by side... love and loss... dark and light...  mourning and wondering... his beds and the new beds...  the 2 cat litter trays, the 2 feeding bowls...  

His (clean) water bowl is still in the same place, I cannot bear to move it, but now I think so what if it is there, it's staying there and if the new female cat drinks from it what does it matter, I do not have to move it at all.  His beds and most toys are clean, except for one toy which is unwashed, out of choice, in a safe place.

I feel that adding another cat now (yikes - in about 24 hours' time!!) well there isn't really a right time, I am still grieving, that may go on for some time, it may go on for longer than the pain of those 7 years after the first cat and I had to part, it may feel as deep as it did for my last female cat, but there isn't a right time for another cat to come.  It just happens when it happens.  Perhaps she was sent to me by him, who knows...  I did ask him when he was here to send another to me... and I hope I have found her...

11 weeks since, and soon it will be tomorrow...
f_defillo1

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 #33 
Big day tomorrow. Praying for you. Just give yourself space to feel and breathe.. Mixed emotions will come and go, but everything will be fine. Time will tell.
SheCatWoman2

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 #34 
Thank you f_defillo1, a few hours to go before the new female cat arrives..

And then I remembered today, that last night I had a dream of my beloved greatly missed male cat, I dreamt there was a storm coming, and the skies were grey, and I saw a very dark if not black cloud formation hovering, and I knew its shape so well, so I called out his name and the cloud stopped and turned to me for a second and then turned back and followed the other clouds.. 

-I like to think that was the sign I'd hoped to get this week, before the new cat arrives..
goofygirlinva

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Posts: 1,147
 #35 
I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes with the new kitty. It will be an adjustment period for the both of you, but I'll bet the new kitty warms up to you pretty quickly, once she realizes she is being cared for a person that will do right by her and give her the love and stability she needs...

That is an amazing dream you had. Am I right in thinking your beloved male cat was a black cat? If so, black cats are such magnificent creatures, aren't they? I mean, all cats are gorgeous, but there is just something about black cats (and particularly male black cats) that is so...special...until Red and Thomas came along, all I had was male black cats, both as a child and as an adult. They've all been so special, I cannot imagine why people would not automatically be drawn to little black panthers... :-) 

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
f_defillo1

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 #36 
Glad for you. There's not a single day I dont think of Jack. He would still be alive if several things wouldnt have happened. He slipt by me and I feel closest responsible for his death. Wouldve rather have him die of Age or Sickness.. so yes, Luna makes it bit easier, but I have my bad days thinking about Jack. Just to let you know this might be a roller coaster ride. Try to enjoy the happy moments and not be so hard on yourself on the way down. Sometimes I think Im too hard on myself. Only time will tell. Eventually I will either receive a sign from Jack or meet him in heaven and have time to chat and see what happened on that gloomy, rainy night.
SheCatWoman2

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 #37 
thanks Goofygirlinva and f_defillo1 for sharing your pain, I can feel the pain of all of your losses xx I love black cats too in fact I love em all, but no my male cat wasn't a black cat

Today, it is exactly 3 months since...  since my beautiful little feline boy, since he...

I had a dream about him a few days ago, that he'd been taken, and in the dream I was so upset trying to find him again, and then he reappeared, and all was well.  Then I woke up...

That dream happened after I took in a new female cat, 2 weeks ago.

There have been moments of sadness about my male cat, but then I look at his photos and "talk" to him and "kiss" him, and it helps "seeing" him every day.

The new cat, she is so very frightened, she was abandoned and is not feral, because she hasn't spit once, she hasn't growled or attacked me viciously, her ears haven't bent right down, and her pupils are sometimes now dinky, not frozen with fear as she was 2 weeks ago.  But she doesn't meow, she doesn't purr, she doesn't pad.  So we are both aware of each other and allow each other space.  She likes to play with my male cat's toys and that feels nice, and it feels okay to watch her use his cat scratching post too.  And she's so small she sleeps in what was my male cat's bed that he fitted in as a kitten.

It feels okay to have taken another cat in, 3 months since...
I feel my male cat would approve and does approve, and I suspect my new female cat feels okay with me too.

I asked for a timid cat, and I've got one!  She does play with me, sniffs my finger, allows me to quickly touch her paw, watches me, eats the cat treats I give her.
The song that seems apt for her is "Reet Petite"

However long it takes, I am looking forward to her letting me stroke her, and to hear her purr, but it's small steps till then. Tbc...
f_defillo1

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 #38 
Im songlad things are going well. Just take it one day at a time. Hopefully the one heaven influenced the one on Earth to be with you. Hopefully the purpose is for you to give all your love to this new cat. Best of luck.
SheCatWoman2

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Posts: 32
 #39 
thank you f_defillo1, i hope you are doing okay with your lady Luna.

It has now been 4 whole months since I last was with my male cat, I miss him so much, just touching him, stroking him, hearing him purr, on the exact night when it was exactly 4 months I had a dream about him, that I was looking for him and asked to see him again, and then he appeared, but only for a short time, during which we fussed and stroked and purred and loved, and then I had to put him back in the cat box and he would be taken away again...

I miss him ever so much my darling..

And the new female cat has been with me for about 6 weeks.  On his 4 month anniversary she had a very watery eye.  I kept an eye on it, and when I phoned the vet to book an appointment for the next day, I looked at her and have continued to do so, and her eye has completely healed, it is indeed a miracle.. or a sign...  

She still won't let me touch her but she follows me about our home, and now sleeps on one of my male cat's favourite spots where he liked to sleep, and that makes me smile.  She now plays not only with the new toys, but all of his toys, and I like that, a lot. 

I have a feeling she will allow me to touch her soon.  It will mean so much when that happens.  I was told that if I hadn't taken her, because she would swipe anyone who came near her, if she wasn't with me, she would have ended up in some sanctuary.  I feel so sad when I think of a probable unhappy unloved life, and am very glad I asked for a very nervous cat.  A friend said to me recently "she is in safe hands, she just doesn't know it yet" and I think that sums her all up xx

take care everyone and get all the support you need and continue to share here xx

f_defillo1

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Posts: 27
 #40 
Im extremely happy things are working out with your new furry friend. Especially if she would've ended in a worst place if it wasnt because of you. Eventually she will feNeverWeeklyDailyImmediately
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