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Spooky0718

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Posts: 7
 #1 
   I just had to put my cat Spooky to sleep 2 days ago. He would've been 11 years old in May. He passed away from intestinal cancer which couldn't be treated with surgery. I had to make the painful decision to let him go because he was suffering. 
   I made sure I held him to the very end. I also paid for a private cremation so I would get his remains quickly and to spend one last time with him. 
   Now I feel so empty inside and like a zombie. I'll just cry at different times when I start to replay everything in my head. I also suffer from mild depression so it's making it worse. I feel like I'll never be the same again. I miss him so much. 
   Spooky has a sister Vivian from the same litter so I have to be strong to take care of her. But the house now feels so empty without him. He loved to talk a lot so you would hear him all the time. 
   My heart is broken. Hardest part is to not breakdown at work. So I have to hold it all in until I get home where I just fall apart. 
ChristinaofTX

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Posts: 19
 #2 
I am so sorry for your loss.   It is so so painful I know.   I just had to put my beloved kitty of 17 years down on Monday.   I'm not sure how I could even go to work if I did have a job to go to.   You are incredibly strong.   In doing things like getting groceries and going to doctor appointments I can't even hold in the emotions at times ... because everything everywhere reminds me ....
At home I have found some comfort from putting photos of Meena (and Tony because we lost him 3 weeks ago to sudden and very unexpected severe illness) and their urns and things  in one little memorial spot with one of those little candles battery operated -- it helps me to see pictures from before ... when she was healthy and energetic.   At times it's too painful but for the most part it has helped.  
I too have underlying low grade depression and it can escalate ... I see a counselor and that helps some.   I think it's important to find safe people to talk to so it's not all stuffed down (the emotion) - this is a safe place.  The people here are very caring and supportive.  
I too feel I will never be the same again.   I am grateful for the years with my cats and I have one cat still with us -  she is 18 years old & is Meena's momma.   I think the most important thing of all is to know that our feelings of grief are normal and valid and to be as kind to ourselves as we possibly can going thru this.  
Memories will shift to the more happy ones in time I believe (from past experience) but right now it's all so fresh and traumatic ....
Just know that you are not alone!  I wish comfort and peace for you and for all of us experiencing a loss of a beloved animal.  
~Chris~
usa_kitty

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Posts: 32
 #3 
Pearl had intestinal cancer and it was a living nightmare. I was in a state of mind I never want to be in again. I couldn't think straight. I felt sorry for her and fought for her all the time and I was a complete mental and nervous wreck. It was the worst time in my life and I miss Pearl so much. Her experience is one reason I will never adopt a pet again.
Spooky0718

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Posts: 7
 #4 
Thank you ChristinaofTX for reaching out. I have seen a counselor for my depression for about 5 years now. It has helped me find ways manage my stress and depression. I think that's why I can get up and go to work. But I'm just pretending to be fine at work. 

I'm not even finding joy in anything I used to do. I can barely eat. If I eat it's because I need to have something so I won't die. But it doesn't give me any pleasure like it used to. I thought I could eat something I might enjoy but was only able to eat a small portion of it tonight. 

Somehow I found this messageboard while googling pet loss sites. It's a blessing cause I feel like most people in my life don't understand the grief I have for my furbaby. I don't want or have kids. My furbaby is my child. So I'm amazed to see how many people here loved their babies just as me. 

I haven't even cleaned his cat carrier out to put it away. It still had the towel and my used t shirt I put in there so he could smell me while on our way to the vet. The clothes I wore that day lay on my bedroom floor too. I don't know if I want to wash them just yet.

Spooky0718

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Posts: 7
 #5 
Re:usa_kitty

I'm so sorry for your loss. I read your old posts about what happened. That sounded like a horrific experience. 

A long time ago there was a stray cat that used to come around and I thought I'd take him in. So I decided that it should get neutered. The vet ran blood work and found out that he had FIV. They called me on the phone and told me that he should be euthanized because we shouldn't spread the disease to other cats cause it's like AIDS to them. Also it would die a horrible death. I didn't know any better and just agreed with what the doctor said on the phone. I never even went back to the vet to watch them do it cause I wasn't attached to him yet. But also I didn't want to watch it either. Ever since then I have always carried a pain with me of why did I let them do that to him. Why didn't I just take him home and let him run free like he had been? I ended his life by taking him there and all he wanted was some love or food.  

Ever since then I vowed I would always do what I can for my cat or a cat before I have them euthanized. And I swore they would not die alone. 
SpookyWolfe

Moderator
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Posts: 607
 #6 
I noticed your username and felt compelled to respond.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my own Spooky-girl 16 years ago next month.  My Spooky was a little black toy poodle.  She was only a year and a half old and it was a very unexpected loss on a routine trip to the groomer.

Grief is a unique thing for everyone.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  We just do whatever we can to get through it.  It does get better over time.  It's not just the death, but also the learning to live without them.  That is a slow and painful process.  As time passes, the pain dulls and only occasionally hits our hearts sharply as a lost memory surfaces unexpectedly. 


You are right, this is a very safe place to talk.  EdW had made sure of that.  The internet can be a very ugly place, but this is one place where we can come together across the miles and comfort each other in our shared pain and understanding of loss.  

Take care of yourself and give yourself time to process the loss.  You may never be the same, but you will be OK.   
Missing_Coco

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Posts: 35
 #7 
Spooky0718, I know how you feel.
It's been nearly 2 weeks and I can't bring myself to wash my skirt that I was wearing that day because she cuddled up to me and laid on it.
I also cannot wash her food bowl.
I have her favourite toy and her blanket next to my bed on my bedside table, because it smells like her.

Yes, Coco was dog, but she was my baby.
Spooky0718

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #8 
Re:ChristinaofTX

I wanna apologize for not acknowledging your loss in an earlier post to you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. We both had to put down our beloved furbaby the same day. I know the sorrow you're going through. 


Spooky0718

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #9 
Re:SpookyWolfe

Wow I have not met anyone who has a furbaby named Spooky as well. Your baby was so young when she passed. That breaks my heart to hear that. So many broken hearts in this forum. It's sad to read these stories but it's nice to know I'm not the only who loved their furbabies. 


Spooky0718

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #10 
Re:Missing_Coco

So sorry for your loss. It is hard isn't it to attempt to wash their things. I'm not a religious person but I would like to think our babies are up there across that rainbow bridge playing together in a green meadow. 
Spooky0718

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #11 
Someone told me today that each day it will get better. Then I think about if I feel better then does it mean i'm losing my love for Spooky? Does it mean I won't miss him because I'm not in pain anymore? So many thoughts.

I still need to buy an engraved urn for him. I also want to get a memory box to put some of his things in there like his clay paw print, toys, collars, etc. I want to make an area in my bedroom to put the memorial items on. I also will get a tattoo with his name, pawprint, and some artwork. But i'm not exactly in the mood for shopping around right now. So I'll have to wait on that. 

I carry his ashes from room to room depending on where I'll be for awhile. Like if I'm in the living room I'll bring his ashes and put them on my coffee table where he used to love to sit in front of me while I'm watching shows. He thought I should be watching him not the tv. At night when I go to bed I bring them to my night stand so we can go to sleep. I always have his favorite toy from when he was a kitten with it too. Actually I hold that toy at night when sleeping. 

I haven't seen him in my dreams yet. I wish I will someday. His sister Vivian seems to be okay, I can't really tell if she even knows he's not coming back. 
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