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Chapps1

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Posts: 3
 #1 

I lost my little boy Kitty Katt on the 27/02/2019. I had him since he was just 4 months old and we were together for almost 10 years. it was literally the worst day of my 38 year old life to make the decision to euthanize him. I have lost family members before and even when my mom died i did not suffer with the loss as i am now. I now truly understand the loss that a parent experiences with a death of a child. I loved him more than anything in this world and knowing that I am the responsible for his death is something that I cannot come to terms with and I do not think I could ever forgive myself for. I left home that morning to take him to the vet with every intention of getting him better and coming back home with him. I really was not prepared for it when the vet told me that the best option was to put him off to sleep. I was not ready to say goodbye to him. All i can think of is that my baby would have thought that i was taking him to the vet to kill him. He trusted for me everything and I feel like i failed him when he needed me the most. 

He was the most loving kitty that I had ever met and also one of the most talkative. I could have long conversations with him although admittedly I did not know what he was saying most of the time, but I really miss hearing his voice around the house. He was just too cute and used to make baby kitty sounds to try to manipulate me. I remember when it was winter he used to make baby kitty sounds especially so that I would let him sleep under the blankets.  He seemed to understand everything that was happening around him and I always used to tell him that he is a human in a cat’s body. I will never forget the day that he saved me from getting held up in my home, I was in my bedroom and he came in there looking all frantic and his hair was standing up and he ran straight to me and stood up on his hind legs and tapped me on legs and ran out to the lounge so I followed him because I could see that he was trying to tell me something. His eyes were fixed on the balcony, (i used to always leave to balcony door slightly open) so I walked towards the balcony and pulled back the curtain and saw a guy climbing into my balcony. Luckily before he was all the way in, I screamed at him and he jumped back down and ran off. The same guy then held up two people in my building in their homes while they were asleep later in the same week. Wow, how lucky was I that i had my boy there to warn me. I was so very proud of my boy for saving me that day and I showered him with love more than usual.!! I used to joke with him that he was always sitting on top of me (he was a 100% lap kitty), always sleeping on top of me, always invading my personal space (i could not go to the toilet without him trying to come and sit on me) yet I could never carry him for longer than a minute.

well it has been two months since he has gone, and every single day is a struggle. Not a day goes by that I do not just break down and cry over him even while sitting at work.  I have never felt so depressed in my life and I do not think that time is going to heal this because I cannot and do not want to forgive myself because I know that i have failed him. he was still so young and i always imagined us being together until he was old. I also feel that towards the end my Kitty Katt did not have the same affection and love for me as he previously did.. From day one that we were together he slept with me and slept where ever I slept, always making his biscuits on me and then to curl up all comfy next to me but towards the end he would only lie next to me for a few minutes and then would retreat under the bed. He also stopped giving me kisses and he was one that never shied away from a kiss in fact he would insist on getting a kiss by forcing one out of me. I would hate to think that he had stopped loving me and I really hope that was not the case.

People tell me that I made the best decision for him to end his suffering, but I relive his death day every single day since then and it is killing me inside and I do not know how to deal with it. I miss my boy so much and i just want him to know that i love him and always will. 

Karmacat

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Posts: 167
 #2 
I too had to put my cat down in Dec 2017, and even now I still grieve for her and miss her so much. Like you, I never experienced such profound grief before. It surpassed the death of my parents, friends and even lovers. In the same event, I learned the meaning of real unconditional love and the terrible pain of losing it.

There isn't much I can offer to assuage your pain - I cried for hours every day for more than a year, and even now I can't think of my Karma cat without breaking down. It may take a long time, but the pain will slowly lessen. I still can't really accept that she's gone for good even now.

You sound like you had the most wonderful loving cat, and you gave her such a good life, so thank you very much for that. Those perfect moments, with your kitty next to you, wanting and needing nothing more, what a wonderful time that was...
CleanneMom29

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Posts: 14
 #3 
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. I lost my cat, Cleanne, in December - right before Christmas. It was awful. All of the emotions you are going through are so normal, but those same emotions have a way of distorting the true story. The truth is Kitty Katt was loved immensely by you - I can tell just by how you write about him. And the story you told of how he warned you about the man on the balcony - wow how he must have adored you - what a special bond you two must have shared.

I relive so many moments with Cleanne beating myself up about how I failed her - it can be torture. But it’s just a normal part of grieving. We just miss them so much. We hurt and experience such pain in proportion to the love and bond we shared, which is why our grief can still so overwhelming.

Just please know you are not alone - others like me know the struggle when we lose a pet is hard. Our pets were loved so much and they knew it. That’s why it’s so hard when they aren’t with us anymore.

Reading your post helped me as well - knowing others share in a heartbreaking grief that only devoted pet owners experience.
CleanneMom29

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Posts: 14
 #4 
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. I lost my cat, Cleanne, in December - right before Christmas. It was awful. All of the emotions you are going through are so normal, but those same emotions have a way of distorting the true story. The truth is Kitty Katt was loved immensely by you - I can tell just by how you write about him. And the story you told of how he warned you about the man on the balcony - wow how he must have adored you - what a special bond you two must have shared.

I relive so many moments with Cleanne beating myself up about how I failed her - it can be torture. But it’s just a normal part of grieving. We just miss them so much. We hurt and experience such pain in proportion to the love and bond we shared, which is why our grief can still so overwhelming.

Just please know you are not alone - others like me know the struggle when we lose a pet is hard. Our pets were loved so much and they knew it. That’s why it’s so hard when they aren’t with us anymore.

Reading your post helped me as well - knowing others share in a heartbreaking grief that only devoted pet owners experience.
Mother_of_gliders1

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Posts: 13
 #5 
What a brave wonderful kitty. You said toward the end you boy would retreat under the bed, it's not that he stopped loving you. But because he loved you, he was trying to spare you pain. Our babies don't realize we will feel the pain no matter what.
All I can give you for advice is to remember the good times you had together. Let those be a comfort to you.
Chapps1

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #6 
I thank you,  Mother_of_gliders1, CleanneMom29 and Karmacat for reading my story and for your kinds words and sympathies and i am also very sorry for the loss of your babies too. 

Yes, you guys are right, he was the most wonderful kitty and he had an amazing personality and i am very happy to have shared my life with him. I realize that Kitty Katt always wanting to be near me or on top of me was the ultimate sign of the great love he had for me. From reading other peoples posts here I guess it must be normal to only focus on the bad rather than the good times that were shared. Since my baby had departed, I have not had a chance to open up and share my grief with people who understands the severity of the loss i am experiencing and what i am going through so i am happy to have found the good people on this site. Its hard being around people who have no idea of what you are going through (or do not have the same love for animals as you do) and you have to put up this fake appearance meanwhile you are falling apart inside. 

What does brings me a lot of comfort is knowing that my Kitty Katt was never just a cat or a pet, never to me and not to the people in my life. Whenever i spoke to or saw family or friends they would always ask without fail "how is Kitty Katt or how is your baby.?" He was a very special boy and i am happy that most of the people in my life got to meet him. 

I recently had my Kitty Katt's photos printed and framed and had them hung around the house but that just makes the pain worse. Every time i walk into a room and see him looking back at me is a constant reminder of how i failed him. I cannot look at him without breaking down because i miss him so damn much, so i had to take down the photos. Being at home is like torture but on the other hand i have lost all interest wanting to go out or to socialize. How do you try to find joy in your life when the best part of your life is no more.

Declan129

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #7 
Jake was my best friend since I was four. Amazing lovable dog. Nothing was harder in my life than making the decision to put him down with my family. last year when I was 16, my dog Jake was diagnosed with bladder cancer, along with liver infections and liver stones. I could've put him on medicine and had him have surgery for some more months with him. But I made the decision to not put him through pain, and also after research I learned he wouldn't be the same because of the pain and how drugged out he would be. I didn't want his last memories to be of pain and anguish. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, is worse than having your best friend die in your arms by injection as you pet him goodbye. Im sorry for your loss and mine helps me with sympathy for others, good luck on your journey, and your pet lived the greatest life and wouldn't of wished to have another owner, as he loved you and you only.
Chapps1

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #8 
[kittykatt2] 

Declan129,  Thank you for your message. I am very sorry that you lost your best friend Jake. The way you described it, Jake must have suffered with the pain and its heartbreaking, im truly sorry...!! My baby also suffered and his condition deteriorated so quick towards the end and i had to put him down to end his suffering. I always wonder whether they will find it in their hearts to forgive us for making that terrible decision. I know that it will be a very long time, if ever,  before i ever forgive myself. 
Mother_of_gliders1

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #9 
Kitty Katt what a handsome boy. I don't know what he was thinking or doing when you took this photo, but from the look in his eye he was up to something. I'm sorry to say I don't have many photos of Barney. I didn't take any baby pictures of him. I was so focused the first few months of his life keeping him alive, I thought photos might jinx it. Silly I know. Gliders are nocturnal so getting a decent picture isn't was. I do have a couple and I cry when I look at them. Seeing how much he changed over the last few years, breaks my heart. Sending you hugs.
CleanneMom29

Registered:
Posts: 14
 #10 
What a great picture of Kitty Katt -- thanks for sharing.  He looks so spoiled!  It's interesting how we all react to the grief of our pets in such different ways.  I have had many pets in my life and the euthanizing decision is never the part that overwhelms me after a pet loss.  I don't overly struggle with that part.  Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely AWFUL and heart-wrenching, but that is not where my guilt lies after a pet dies.  The part I struggle with is the guilt of wondering if I was a good owner and just thinking of everything I feel I did wrong or how I could have given them a better life.  I don't know why that is where my feelings always go with grief, but it's the guilt that is always so hard for me in thinking I wasn't the perfect owner.  It is completely irrational, but during the grieving process it is the only truth I see, which torments me.  It's difficult enough to lose a pet, but then to have to deal with the agonizing emotions that go with it, it sometimes feels like it will be unbearable to go on.  That is what drives me insane.  I'm sure our personalities are what determines a lot of how we handle grief, so any emotion you are dealing with is completely normal and does not mean you did anything wrong -- grief distorts the real picture because we are broken.  We all struggle in different ways with different aspects of the grieving process, but it all is because of the one, same underlying reason -- we simply miss our pets -- those beloved family members that we had to say good-bye to -- and they all truly were a part of our family, whether we are single or married, big family or small -- they were family and we simply just miss them.   
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