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reg285

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Posts: 6
 #1 
Hi everyone-

My 12 year old dog Jake passed at the end of December. He had cancer and it was a shocking death and I didn't get to say goodbye to him.

I wanted to make sure after he passed that I didn't rush into anything and get new pets for a long time. I was devastated by his death and I wanted to process it and have other things going on so wanted fo be responsible and wait.

Almost two weeks ago I helped to foster a lost dog, I thought would be for a day. After trying hard to find them the owners never came and I think he was dumped.

Yesterday I was supposed to take him back to a lady who would adopt him. I fell in love with this dog and felt connected to him and I didn't want to confuse him by sending him to live with her. He looked at me and was confused when I was going to give him to her, so I talked with her and she felt it would be best for me to keep him.

Immediately after I felt instant regret. I asked myself "what have you done?" So many feelings from my other dog came up, and I felt like I can't have a new dog yet. It's too much responsibility and it is too soon and I'm not following what I really wanted.

I care for this dog so much and don't want to return him, yet the idea of keeping him is suffocating and I feel panic. He is an amazing dog, but I feel like he can't be mine. It feels like more responsibility than I can handle and emotionally it's too much. I miss Jake so much, I like this dog, but I can't make it a permanent home.

My family loves this dog and I feel like a terrible person, I'm considering taking him back to the lady, but I know I'll miss him and I think she and everyone else will think I'm a crazy person, especially after committing yesterday. But, it's like the floodgates have opened and I feel physically sick from the stress this is causing me. I didn't anticipate this happening, but it's like all my reasoning went out the window when I said yes, and it all hit me when I made it permanent.

I don't know what to do😪😪...
Mondo

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Posts: 994
 #2 

It's a very difficult situation.  You say you fell in love with this dog, so maybe that's your answer?    Would Jake want you to have a new dog in your life, to love and take care of?  And of course to take care of you?

It's been years for me now.  2014 Tuffy passed away, we still had Toby for another year, and he passed 11 months later in 2015.  I wasn't ready to get another dog.  But my wife was, so 2 months after Toby passed away we adopted Ellie and Missy.

The first months were very hard.  Still grieving and at the same time bonding.  Laughing and crying minutes apart.  Here it is 2019 and I am so glad that things turned out as they did.  I didn't think I could love the girls as much as I did the boys.  But I do. Although it is different.  Tuffy was my first dog ever, at age 40.  

There were times it was too much, but part of what helped me was to think of the adoption of the girls to be in honor of the boys.  That they would have wanted this.

It is impossible to know how things will turn out. But you seem to have a big heart, and you seem to have love for another dog.  I know what I would do.  :-)

Hugs!

reg285

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #3 
Thank you for your kind words. I will give it a little time and go from there! Thanks again
reg285

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #4 
Also sorry for your loss of your dogs but glad it worked out with your new doggies too!
MossimoLove

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Posts: 54
 #5 
dear reg285,

im so sorry for your loss. i personally understand the grief and confusion you are navigating.  I too was struggling after my little man, Mossimo had to go.  And i felt that if i could channel my grief through fostering a special needs frenchie, then maybe I could find some joy again.  I began fostering 2.5 weeks after Mo had to go and though I had the best of intentions and wanted desperately to make this his forever home, i realized by the 3rd week it was having the opposite effect on my mental health.

the foster pup is a wonderful, loving and easy special needs pup, but somehow it sent my hyper-worry of his health into over drive. i havent been able to sleep, im slowly losing the ability to function and like you said physically ill from the stress.   And i feel like i am abandoning this little guy and it just adds to how much im still not able to process with Mossimo. 

So after many more sleepless nights of anguish and crying, I told the rescue that wouldnt be able to complete the fostering process and provide a forever home.  And this weekend, I will drive him back to the rescue.  

I feel terrible that I put myself in this situation, terrible that i wasnt ready to commit, terrible that i let this little guy down.  But i try to remember what my friend said to me as reflection.  "Regardless of the outcome of this experience, you helped the rescue and the foster pup for these last weeks and you provided some time for the prefect forever family to come forward."

I know we all process this experience differently, and i know the internal conflict you are struggling with. And though I cant provide the perfect answer, i do know you will make the best decision for YOURSELF and the PUP with love and compassion. 
In time i will be ready to bring another frenchie into my life, but now is not the right time for me.

Dont beat yourself up. If you need anything, please reach out. 
lightness and love,
Mossimo's Mom
Anastacia 


reg285

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #6 
Thank you so much Anastacia. I'm sorry you are going through the same situation. The past two days have been terrible for me and I have felt so much anxiety and sadness. I feel like I am leaning towards not keeping him. The problem is there was another lady who was going to adopt him and she said I could just keep him. Now I have no idea if she wants him back. It's such a hard thing because I still feel like emotionally it's too much, but then I have to hope this lady will take him back and it makes me feel awful because he was abandoned by his owners. It's also hard because I truly care for this dog yet feel this way. I just feel so physically sick over the situation, and I wish I would have just been strong the first time and not have taken him since some doubts were there. I was just trying to do right by everyone and not make him more confused and yet I ended up doing that. I also feel terrible and so sad to see him go. I think I'm going to give myself another day and see what i feel is right to do. I need to make sure he will have a good home, or it's not right to get rid of him. I never thought this situation would happen or I would feel this way...
reg285

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #7 
Hi again everyone-

Here's an update! I decided to return the little dog to the lady and unfortunately she could not take him back. The only other option is to adopt him out and try to find a new owner. The problem is there are alot of people wanting this dog and alot of them seem really weird. I would hate for him to go to a bad home, so my family and I decided to keep him. I know its the right choice for his safety, but I feel in complete turmoil about it still. I'm still just not ready for this and it feels like it's too much. I do enjoy the dog, but to keep it forever I feel so much stress. I'm hoping the feelings will pass, but I'm so scared they won't. This is a responsibility I just wasn't expecting. I've never felt this way before and it's difficult because we have to keep him now. I'm a huge animal lover so it's difficult on me that I even feel this way and I feel like an awful person.
Mondo

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 994
 #8 
Congrats on the new addition.  

I've been in a similar place.  Still grieving and suddenly we had adopted, 2 months after Toby had passed, 13 after Tuffy.  And the new pups were crazy.  Still are to a degree but now I know and "manage" them.  

However, 4 years later they are both loved with all of our hearts, just like the boys were. I wish you a similar future.  

It is great to give them a good life.  

Hugs!
Dogsrgreat3

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #9 
It's not awkward to feel like this, you will know when you're ready for the companionship of a new partner, i don't call them pets because they have their own personalities and show emotion too. You need to greeve and only you know when you're ready to move on. All I can say don't force it but also don't push this new addition away, its a tricky situation but maybe this is what you need.
alleyjo

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #10 
 

Hello Group,

I lost my best friend and love of my life on Aug 9th. He was a gorgeous cream-colored Pomeranian I adopted over 10 years ago from a rescue. He was my sidekick and I took him everywhere. He was my medicine because I was so happy just being around him. Now, I live off two antidepressants because the depression and grief were too much for me. Well this past weekend I went to a rescue to adopt another dog and after filling out the paperwork I panicked. I thought to myself was it too soon? Am I pushing it and how will I feel seeing another dog in Charlies space. I ended up walking away without the dog. Reg285 your feelings are valid and since you have the dog think of it as saving a life. Hopefully as time goes on you’ll bond with this new doggy. Please keep us poster. I’m grateful for this group. I come here when I’m feeling down and realize I’m not alone.

reg285

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #11 
Hi Mondo, Dogsrgreat3, and alleyjo,

Thank you to everyone who has said a kind word and encouraged me during this time. It's been very difficult for me as you all read before! The past few days I've tried to look at this situation differently. This dog has no where else to go and it's only right that we keep him safe. I wouldn't want him to have to go to new owners after staying with us for this amount of time. I've also taken the pressure off my feelings and I'm not worrying about when I will feel different. I've also tried to spend more time with him as I felt like I pushed him away before and it was making it worse. I've been feeling alot better and less anxious and enjoying him more like I did originally!

I still feel like I have a long way to go to get used to things, but it's a start and I feel better than before. Today its 8 months since Jake died. For some that would be long enough to get a new pet, but its still a process for me and I'm trying not to judge myself and just get to know this dog as a new little friend.

Alley jo- I'm so sorry for your loss. When Jake first died I don't think I slept well for 3 weeks. I was very anxious everyday and so sad and cried all the time. I never thought it would get better, but it did. Most days I'm not as sad, but sometimes things will trigger my grief and I cry and miss him. Especially now during the summer, we used to do so many fun things together. You are in my thoughts and I think it's good you waited since you didn't feel ready. Let a new pet happen when you feel at peace with it and joyful in your heart. That's what I was waiting for, but life had other plans. But, I think I'm going to be ok anyway ❤
SunriseSunset

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #12 
I felt the same way after I lost my sweety Coy. Didn't want another dog for a long time. I thought I was ready when I picked up a stray, starving dog. When I got my new dog after losing Coy she reminded me that she was not my Coy. I didn't like her much which surprised me because I love all dogs.

All it took was time. Thate gorgeous, sweet and loyal dog bonded so strongly with me, and me with her that everyone considered her "my" dog. 

So take your time and do not panic. I think you might be reacting more to change than to grief. You have a new dog in your house that you are getting to know. This new dog has not fully earned your trust in that you can't predict all his behavior, and he cannot pick up on all your moods and feelings yet. You two will establish trust and bond together and calm will return.
Mondo

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 994
 #13 
Thanks for the update reg285.  You sound a little 'upbeat'.  But believe me I understand.  I recall after we adopted the girls, how my days would be a mix of laughter at the girls and tears over the boys.  It took a few months.  

The first year for me after losing Tuffy was the hardest, all the firsts.  His birthday, my birthday, first snow (always an exciting time for him), Christmas, our first  road trip without him ... 

Looking at the situation differently is awesome.  It worked for me to look at our adoption of the girls as a continuance of the boys.  Honoring them.  Doing this in memory of them.  Doing what they would have wanted - give some love to those in need.

I think you're going to be okay too.  You seem to be aware that there will be ups and downs, and this is a journey.  Love is infinite.  Giving love to your new dog takes nothing away from Jake.  


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