Registered: 1287540615 Posts: 6
It's been 2 days since Benny has been put down.
and I have all these new feelings. We took him to our vet who has known Benny since he was born and had them do it there, however, I couldn't dare stay, I would have went into hysterics and just scared Benny and I didn't want him to feel those emotions. I was inconsolable.
Now, I regret more then ever not being there. And I never fully accepted that he's really gone. I feel like they have him locked up in a cage somewhere, doing tests on him, and he's scared. I might sound like a complete lunatic right now for saying these things, but it's true. Our vet was very reputable and clean and they always treated Benny perfect, I know they would never do such a thing, but it's where my mind keeps going, and I don't know why.
It's part of my denial. I feel like I need to go rescue him.
It's making it hard for me to let go.
Registered: 1279850525 Posts: 282
Lauren, since it's only been 2 days, I think you should call your vet and ask if it's possible to see Benny's body, for closure. You don't need to tell him your fears about him being tested. Your vet will understand completely that seeing the body is necessary sometimes for closure. This will help you so much. I know that my dog's body was at our vet's office for 4 days waiting to be transported for cremation. And yes, this is just a stage called "panic" which is part of the grief. In your heart you know that the vet put Benny to sleep peacefully. But if you want peace of mind, turn to your vet for help. He will understand.
Registered: 1228234766 Posts: 347
I felt like I needed to respond to your post because it reminded me so much of myself. First, let me say how very sorry I am for your loss of Benny. This is never an easy thing. I also could not stay in the room. I was so upset and did not want to scare my boy or have him see me that way. The pain and guilt I felt was just unbearable. It will be two years next month, whereas for you it has only been two days. I'm sure Benny was under the best of care. I know that there is not much that will comfort you right now, but I will be praying that your hurting heart will find some peace.
Registered: 1279288501 Posts: 564
Lauren, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your precious pup! Clearly you love Benny so much, and he knows that. Many people here have chosen to not be with their pets during the process of euthanasia for the same reason you've given....they knew they wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally, and it was for the sake of the animal. It was not a selfish thing!
The feelings and thoughts you're having are not unusual for someone in the early stages of grief. Even when my Luke was euthanized this summer, and even though I did witness it, I had thoughts afterwards that maybe they didn't give him enough of the chemical, and he was only unconscious, and maybe I should dig him up just to make sure that he wasn't buried alive! Our minds do strange things to us when we're in the raw stages of our grief.....as you clearly are now! You will be on an emotional roller-coaster for some time, and your mind will continue to plague you with guilt, second guessing yourself, anger, depression....you name it!! But, it will get better! I know, because I've been there. I lost my two pups in July, just three weeks apart, and I wasn't sure that I could go on without them.....or if I even wanted to! With the help and support of the folks on this forum, I have found that my thinking has indeed improved, as has my deep feelings of pain and despair. I will always hurt over the loss of my babies, but it becomes more manageable as time goes on! It will for you, too. Please keep coming back to this forum.....you will find that the people here are kind, caring and non-judgmental. And, you are definitely not a lunatic! May God Bless and give you comfort in your pain and grief! Rick
Registered: 1277081065 Posts: 80
Dear Lauren, Wow.....you are reminding me of what I went through with "Mac" yrs ago. I couldn't even go in the car to the vet with him. My husband put him in the car and off Mac went wagging his tail while I stayed home and sobbed and sobbed for feeling like I betrayed him. Like you, I too began imagining different "scenerios" since my husband didn't stay either while they put him to sleep. I was just SURE that he was going to end up somewhere else. I sometimes liked to think that maybe an unknown vet tech that day stepped in and intervened and took Mac to a loving home. But I know deep in my heart that he was gone. It's not that we're crazy but I think we momentarily are a little crazy in our grief if that makes sense. I think it's how our brains and hearts try to absorb what has happpened. If it makes you feel any better I was acting really wierd this past June when we realized we had to put the sweetest dog ever, my 13 y.o Bennie, to sleep. On THE day I went upstairs and VACUUMED rather than spend time with bennie. my husband came home and we took him together. This time I was calm and we stayed with him. But at the last second I panicked that she wouldn't get the vein on the 1st try and he'd cry so I went behind him and held him from behind while my husband looked into his eyes. She did get the vein instantly and it was the most peaceful thing I've ever seen. Truly, what a way to go. And I was still upset with myself that I didn't stay in front of Bennie so he could have seen me in his last seconds since he was "my" dog. Somehow though.... our pets know, love and trust us unconditionally. So if they've been loved by us I believe they are trusting us that whatever is happening is right,,,,and they love us more for it . xoxo Hang on b/c it IS a roller coaster of feelings but over time 9different for each of us) it will even out and without realizing it you'll find yourself talking about Benny to someone and it's all good.
Registered: 1287584470 Posts: 4
So sorry to hear about the loss of Benny! I have come to realize that all these feelings of guilt we have after losing a beloved pet are normal. I had the horrible task of putting my beautiful JRT to sleep two months ago because of severe complications. I did stay with her till the end and sometime after, and am still having the same feelings of guilt and denial. I know Booboo knew my love for her was put to its greatest test that day, and I still feel in my heart that I could no longer watch her suffer and be in pain.I pray to God that I made the right decision and often wonder if i had the right too. I hope in time all our pain will ease so we can reflect on the memories of these beautiful babies.
Registered: 1287708758 Posts: 1
It has been almost 2 months since we had to have our Great Pyrenees Mountain Dog euthanised. He was 11 yrs 6mos 18 days. We considered him our son. My wife & I were with him when they put him down, it was the hardest thing we ever experienced, but we felt that we owed it to him, and although we'll never get that day out of our minds, we're so thankful for being there for him as well as us. I've experienced all the emotions that you have referred too. Theres nothing that I can say to ease your grief/ sorrow. Sorry for your loss, the unconditional love that our best friends give us, only those who have experienced all the emotions can truly understand.