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BodhisMom

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Hello all, I'm not sure why but my heart is racing right now.  Possibly because I have so much emotion and grief running through my body and mind.  
Yesterday, I lost my best friend of 13 years, my Weimaraner- Bodhi Rae.  Similar to the posts of others, I'm feeling an overwhelming amount of grief, loss, despair, "did I do the right thing", anger (at myself), hurt, pain (so much pain), and don't know how to go on.
He had so many issues over the years, environmental and food allergies, fatty lypomas, acid reflux/gerd, severe separation anxiety, chronic ear infections and just a few months ago was diagnosed with a lung tumor. 
I've done everything in my power to keep him as healthy as possible, I've actually put myself into a really bad place financially just to take care of him.  And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.  
I loved that dog more than anything or anyone, my ex-husband actually used to remark "You love your dog more than you love me." and he was right.  
Bodhi was there through the toughest things in my life- loss of 2 pregnancies, divorce, moves, homelessness, and through building our lives back up again.  In many ways he became the child that I couldn't have.  
Monday he was having a really good day- we went for a few walks, he even wanted to play with his toys and throw them around, much like he did as a puppy.  Nothing to indicate how the next day would be.
Tuesday morning he woke me up as usual to go out and potty, then he came back in for breakfast and ate that (also as usual).  I turned my computer (I work from home) and noticed that I could hear him making a bit of grumbling/groaning noises- not too alarming since he was always a pretty vocal/grumbly dog and had his "old man" noises. Then I smelled poop, and at first thought he was farting and needed to go for his morning walk, but he had pooped inside.  This was something he hadn't done since he was a puppy.  He wasn't able to walk well and was having some difficulty breathing.  
Everything continued to get progressively worse from there- over a few hours his gums went from pale pink to white, his legs got cold, he was miserable.  I knew it was time.
I called my ex-boyfriend, who also loved Bodhi, and asked if he could be there for me/us.
Funny how everything was almost in slow motion.  I was calm, upset, but knew I needed to be there and be strong for him.  We got to the vet's office about an hour early for our appointment and he had to be physically carried from the car. We had lots of blankets and made him as comfortable as possible. We talked about memories, we talked to Bodhi, we told him what a good dog he was and how there wasn't going to be any more pain.  
The vet assured me that I was doing the right thing, that he was bleeding somewhere internally and that he was at a stage where letting him go was the most humane thing to do.  
I held him as he took his last breath.
I held him and cried so hard that I didn't think I could breathe.  The Vet cried, we all cried.  Then I just wanted him back.  I wasn't ready.  I just want one more day.  I'm not ready to say goodbye!  I'm not ready.  
I'll never be ready.
I had the Vet come back in after a bit and asked her to make sure he was gone.  I couldn't leave with even a trace of doubt in my mind.  But he was gone.  
I feel like a failure.  I feel like I should have done more.  I feel as though my world is shattered and that I don't know what to do or where to go.  How do I deal with this.  
How?
I know that he wanted me to be happy, and that he would want me to live a full life.  I want to try, but how, where.  
I don't want to be at home.  I couldn't sleep last night.  It's a beautiful day and I can't even appreciate it.

I'd like to know if there are any others who would like to meet up, maybe in a park, and talk, or do a memorial candle lighting, or anything.  I really need support, and to be around some other people who can relate.  
Thank you, Stacey- Bodhi's Mom

PoisonIvy

Registered:
Posts: 60
 #2 
Hi, Stacey.  I'm sorry about the death of your dear Bodhi.  I understand how painful a sudden death is, even when the animal has been ill for awhile.  My collie had osteosarcoma and although I knew it would eventually kill him, I thought his decline would be more gradual.  Instead, it was like Bodhi's:  okay on a Tuesday morning (two weeks ago), a few hours later he stopped walking, by the next morning I had to make the euthanasia decision.  It was the only compassionate choice, just as I think euthanasia was the only compassionate choice for you and Bodhi.  Something that helped me feel better was the realization that my dog didn't suffer for long: in the scheme of things, 24 hours is not that long.  It seemed as though it would have been selfish for me to keep him alive because of my grief.  He wouldn't have been able to walk, he would have been in great pain, he would have been peeing on himself.  I really do think that allowing our animal to die with assistance is often the kindest gift we can give them.

This doesn't mean their deaths don't hurt us.  They do.  Don't deny yourself the grief.  That you are sad means you are a good person.  
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 69
 #3 
I am deeply sorry for your loss, Everything that you said and all of the emotions and the feelings that you felt Cane rushing back to me of the day I lost my Jada. I don’t know what to say to make your pain or your grief any better. I too was in shock the day that she passed and was in disbelief because it happened so soon , I also blamed myself for not seeing any signs but looking back she didn’t really show me any . I woke up the next morning after she passed and I can swear that I saw her face where I always saw her face every morning at the side of my bed smiling at me. I thought that maybe it was just a bad dream but when I woke up and she wasn’t there it was more like a nightmare , a never ending nightmare. I had horrible anxiety attacks first few nights she wasn’t there. My mind wouldn’t accept it.
All of your feelings are normal because that was your angel on earth dressed in fur, but he is still with you, still watching over you, still by your side. I know none of that helps you right now. But in time after your mind clears a little, he may show you signs that he’s allright, that he lioved the life you gave him, & he’s pain free now. Yours & His unconditional love will never die. I wish I could be more helpful, but when you lose someone you love THAT deeply, there is no other way to feel, but heartbroken. You will heal & your memories of him will live on in you forever.

So sorry, hugs to you.
Jadas mom
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