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rena

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Posts: 174
 #1 

Last night I dreamt that the baby I lost recently came to me with my other cat that died in the fall in a horrible nightmare.  I woke up crying and all the old guilt and pain really walloped me again.  Sherry was dying in front of me again like it was in real life when I found her convulsing over and over again before she was pts.  My other cat who died 6 months before that was nearby and sick but still alive.  Is this my guilt conscience over doing nothing when Sherry was so sick with her kidneys failing because I waited too long to take her to the vets (her appt. had been scheduled exactly 7 days before she died).  I cut off months maybe yearl of her life.  Daisy was ill for quite a while with pancreatic cancer and was on medication constantly and had regular checkups.  My other cat Taco has had CRF for 4 years and is doing well on medications to treat it.  Sherry could have many more years perhaps.  Her symptoms were just the opposite of Taco's and that is why I think I waited plus Taco and his sister were in and out of this hospital soon after Daisy died and my vet bills were high.  I feel awful that all the vet bills including another cat that is currently bein treated for hypothyroidism and has had it for 2 years.  How in God's name could I have noticed all of the other cats' symptoms so quickly and in time to give them several more years of life while I seem to have ignored Sherry.  She and Daisy slept with me every night while the other cats slept downstairs.  She was a darling baby and once or twice a night would nuzzle her face between my head and shoulders and gently nead her paws but never hurting me because she was just showing me how much she loved me.  How could this have happened?  It haunts me and always will.  I can never forgive myself for having failed her so terribly when she needed me the most.

Nancee

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Posts: 1,328
 #2 

Rena--All I can say is boy do I understand. I had 4 up to January. Some days I couldn't tell who was peeing/pooping, vomiting, etc. It's so hard with multiple sick animals to individually be on top of everything with each one.
I have a diabetic cat and he began with severe eye problems right at the time the kidney cat was at her worst (1 week or 2 before I she crossed over). The youngest one (almost 14) had megacolon dx in October and was at the time (and still) on multiple meds. The husky would be unsteady on her feet (still is)-- one day she fell in the pool and I had to kinda guide her out. It was cold in there, too!
It's hard to know when to go to the vet. I always wait a bit-- and see if things get worse or straighten themselves up.
I know about the vet bills--this is normal, too--you know you can't spend large amounts every week and you have to weigh all of this together.
Your animals are lucky to have you--you really care about all of them.
With kidney failure--it's so individual--how could you know exactly? My kidney cat was losing weight, but eating great and acting fine. Her numbers were pretty good, yet she continually lost weight. Even at the end, her numbers were excellent--but her peeing and drinking were like the diabetics at times. We actually thought it was him (but it was her).
With the megacolon cat, I have to poop check every day. Some days, I need to be a PI to figure out who's doo doo is who's.
 Your animals and Sherry especially know you love and care about them. We're not perfect humans who know how to perfectly handle everything at all times. I know because I'm hard on myself for any percieved infraction--in all areas.

I hope you get a happy Sherry dream soon-her telling you what a good mom you were to her. Take care.

Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #3 
Dear Rena,

I'm so sorry you had that horrible nightmare, they can be so frightening and can leave us shaken to the core.  Having never had multiple fur kids, I can't imagine how you, Nancee and others who do, manage when they are ill.  It makes me dizzy just thinking about it - my life was totally devoted to the care of my Boxer boy, Grunt for nearly 2 years and it wore me out physically and emotionally - I honestly don't know how you did it.  All I know is that you have a huge heart that you've shared with so many furbabies and you did all you could for them in any given situation.  That equals GOOD MOM.  You love, they know.  The guilt plagues all of us, I think it comes with losing a Beloved One, no matter what the circumstances.  It's part of the deep sadness that we will always feel.  I'm sorry I can't help you with this, but I can say that your babies were so blessed to have you for a mom.

Hugs,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever   
Deb1

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #4 
Rena,

This is my first post here.  I was up all last night crying and found this board and read many of your posts and others who are feeling guilt too.  I am glad I am not alone.

I too neglected the signs of kidney/heart failure in my beagle.  He was 14-15 yrs old and thought many of his symptoms were more signs of "old age".  I am almost inconsolable when I think about it.  I too was medicating another pet, a 16 yr old cat and can feel overwhelmed by these combined issues.

It's been 10 days since his passing and I am worse now then when it happened.  I am hoping that coming here will help me get through this.

I am so sorry for your nightmares and your painful grieving.  I read your posts and I honestly feel that you did so much good for these cats that you don't deserve to suffer yourself. I know what you mean when you say it haunts you and always will.  I am afraid I am in the same boat.  Barney, my beagle was the most "cuddly" of my pets like you described Sherry and that makes it all the more painful. 

It is truly a heartwrenching, searing pain of being unable to turn back time and do the things you see "now" you could have done differently.  The worst part of the grieving process IMO. 

I can't even call my friends as they will just try to console me and I don't want to put them through listening to me cry and telling me not to feel guilty.  Now, just reading posts from others, like you, who are going through similar feelings (I hope) will bring me some peace. 
rena

Registered:
Posts: 174
 #5 
Dear Nancee:  I know what a wonderful mother you have been to all your babies and how difficult it can be sometimes when they get older and start having multiple illnesses. It is hard to keep an eye on each one ALL of the time even though we love them each equally.  Unfortunately as you know sometimes while we're treating one who might be older another one who is younger can actually be a lot more ill.  That is the problem for moms like us with multiple furbabies.  God bless you for your big heart.  I know those furbabies are lucky to have you for a mom.

Dear Gruntsmomforever:

Each furbaby is precious to us and losing any of them is just as devastating.  Thank you for your kind thoughts and I think you're a great mom too.

Dear Deb1:

My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you came to petloss for support. I am always here and if you need to email me rena.mcgrath@yahoo.com I check my mail a couple of times a day and would love to have you come to me whenever you need to.  10 days is such a short time.  I remember that first week, I was numb and in shock and couldn't eat or sleep for almost 2 weeks.  I was in therapy before and started going more often when I finally could function a little better and it's helped a little to talk out your feelings.  It's still very hard at two months though and it just feels like life is unreal.  You go on but a big chunk of your heart has been ripped out and there's a whole there all the time.  Why is it that even when we didn't mean to overlook anything this kind of tragedy can just happen out of left field with a younger animal that at first didn't seem as ill as the one that's gone.  I always loved her and Daisy the most and in 6 months my heart babies were gone.  I love the other 6 cats but it's not the same now.  My husband did bring home a kitten and she's 9 months and sleeps with me now but I still miss my special girls. Please keep posting there are a lot of good and caring people here who want to help and email any time.  I'll be there for you.

Rena

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