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Amieb

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Posts: 8
 #1 
I feel like i have had my heart torn out and my stomach turns everytime i think about my poor little man(he was my baby, my life) mikey had to go too sleep 2 days ago, he was 17 and i have had him since he was a kitten. He saved me from the depths of depression, from my lonelyness when no one else was there, he was my baby when i couldnt have babys of myown, he was with me through abusive relationships,he was my constant. Every night after i turned my light off he would bite my arm so i would move it and make space for him on my pillow. He slept on my pillow with his paw touching my arm for his comfort every night for 17 amazing years. He was an indoor cat, always there when i needed him and i was always there when he needed me.Mikey showed no signs of age, he didnt lose any teeth, he didnt have athritis, he ran a million miles an hour in excitement to the kitchen when he heard me open a tin of his favourite tuna, he still jumped on top of my high wardrobes and fridge, he had a full shiny coat, and its been 2 days since he went to sleep, i have no peace. I feel i killed my best friend, i feel i didnt give him time. I hate myself for what i have done. 2 weeks ago i took him too the vets as his breathing was very fast, they said he had heart failure and there was no going back. They offered to euthanize there and then. I wasnt ready, and not like that. Its not what i wanted for my best friend. They gave me duretics to help drain the fluid from his stomach and around his lungs. I was told he could live upto 18 months like that. I took him home, he stopped eating, he layed under the bed and cried when i had to get him out 3 times a day for his medication, i cried and told him sorry everytime i had to do it, he still managed to get to his litter tray and for his drink. I had 8 different bowls of 8 different food available to him to try and tempt him, i changed those bowls and food twice a day, i didnt care that i was throwing money away, this little man bought me comfort for 17 years, i have little money but it suddenly became no object, i spent xmas eve,xmas day and boxing day laying next to my little man on the floor next to the bed where he layed underneath.i slept there 3 nights with him telling him how much i loved him and thanking him for bringing me so much happyneds and for being my uncondtional friend. after 4 days of seeing him like this i was scared to go to work incase he passed away on his own,he didnt deserve that, so i got my dad who lives 30 miles away to come and sit with him every morning for 4 days. On the 5th day i walked out of work, i didnt care, i had to be with my little man. I drove straight to the vets and asked if they could give me some lungworm medication and he agreed that the syptoms can be similar. He also gave him some antibiotics. So then the pain of giving my mikey medication 5 times a day began. He had lost so much weight and i began to realise that maybe he was too frail too fight. So i had to make the horrible decision that once the vets were open the day after boxing day i would let my best friend go too sleep. The night before however, he started to show interest in food for the first time in 10 days, he had his first poo in 5 days... i felt hope. The next morning i called the vets, i had come too terms that his little munch out the night before was his last little bit of fight. I made the call, i asked the vets to come to our home, i felt he deserved the dignity of being where he has layed for 17 years, and the indignity of weeing himself in his crate everytime i took him to the vets through stress. I sat and waited, i called him over too me knowing it would be the last time , but he actually came too me!!! He hadnt for 10 days, he didnt have the energy but now he did!! He ate a little more, the bin lorry came up the road, he sat bolt upright and looked out of the window like he did every time he heard it but hadnt done for 10 days. My head was spinning... were the antibiotics and lungworm treatment kicking in after 5 days!??? I have never felt so scared at making a decision in my life. The vet arrived, i asked her to check his heart.... to check the fluid.... i almost wanted her too say yes, the vets were right , its heart failure, theres no going back, but she didnt.. she said his heart sounded fine and his lungs sounded nearly clear.... i looked to my mum for guidance... the vet said that even if he was to recover fully that there wasnt some underlying condition, that he may go downhill very quickly again and maybe i wont be there to help him next time. My little man was laying there , unaware of the massive choice i had to make. They said he had lost alot of weight, he was weak and maybe wasnt strong enough to get back to his old kitten in mind and also in body like state. That he may just lay there day in day out, growing old and miserable. He had been a kitten in body and mind up until that night he couldnt breath. I couldnt bare to think that he would ever suffer, i made the decision and its one i will always live to regret. I hate myself, it msy have been just an infection, maybe all the nursing and antibiotics were only just starting to kick in, he had made improvement but they told me it may not last. I sat with him while they injected him, i tried to hold my sobs back but the emotions were to strong, i howled snd i hate myself for letting him hear me cry, his last moments where that of stress from me, the guilt is immense, i cant let go, i keep thinking what if i had given him a few more days on the meds, his little face, the trust he had in me and i have done that to him. I hurt inside, my stomach is churning and my heart is broken. I hate myself, i just want my little man back .
Jeff814

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #2 
I can’t spare you the grief you have, but your care and devotion , right now has Mickey telling the other cats, yes , that’s the lengths my owner went to, with a proud response. Many of our friends don’t get the type of parents we are.. I was laid off, so I spent time with my Sophie, and it was part of the “plan”, and I realize that now. I did the best I could, which is what it sounds like you did. Yes I think Mickey is pretty proud of your depth of commitment , and strutting the type of parent you were. I have seen heartbreaking tradgedy of people that don’t care. This isn’t you. There isn’t a book of rules to follow for perfect results. We can only do our best, and hope that’s good enough. I think Mickey is pretty proud of you, and thankful for your devotion. I wish we could bring our “kids” back because we miss them so much. I lost mine 2 days ago, and it is brutal. I told my wife that if i was given a deal by god, that I had twenty years left to live, but if I only took ten years, I could could go out together with my girl the same day, I’d take it right now. You are a good person, and and fury friend would be blessed to have you as their parent. You care, and this world needs more people like you. Your a good person. Do Mickey proud and hang in there, because their are like him that need your love. You can’t get him back now, but I think you will see him again, and you need some good stories of all have done, while you were apart.
Cosmocat

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #3 
You gave an amazing life to your Mickey and all the love you have. He knew that and felt it every day, every hour, minute, second he lived. You offered him dignity and respect. Please don’t hate yourself. You are an admirable person. I understand the grief and pain but do not feel guilt. I hope these thoughts and words bring you a little comfort.
sunspark

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #4 
Hi Jeff814,

You said something that is exactly what I have been thinking too -- I would gladly take off 10 years, 20 years of my life if I could only have my Peety back again. I mean it, I would do it. 

The pain is so intense, I loved him so much, he was such a sweet, gentle loving soul. I don't know how I am going to go on without him, I don't want to. 
Amieb

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #5 
Thankyou for youre kind words they mean alot. My partner of 11 years never really liked cats but if it came to it i would have picked my cat over any man. Even the thought of anything happening to me first killed me inside because no one could care for him the way i did. He was a charachter, he didnt let anyone go near him apart from me and my dad which we all found quite amusing. Even when the nurse came that day, it broke my heart that he hadnt had to hiss at her which he hadnt done in the previous 10 days with other vets and nurses. Thats why i hate myself for killing him. He saved me from taking my life many times but i couldnt do the same for him, and for that i will never forgive myself. My partner feels is long enough to be grieving and that i should start 'pulling myself together'. No one understands the true depths of love i had for my cat. I havent been able to eat since he went to sleep, i have had to take sleeping pills to sleep because my mind wont let me have peace, i cant stop looking at the sofa where he took his last breath, i have scratches on my arms from where he fought his medication that i dont ever want to heal, there is the white oral cream medication that is marked on the sofa where he shook his head after taking and it splattered on the sofa which i dont want to clean. 17 years everyday in my life, im not sure i want too or can get over the loss
InMemoryOfRascal

Registered:
Posts: 2,440
 #6 
I am so sorry for the hard decision that you had to make for your baby, your Mikey.  Sadly I know the pain and guilt that come after being forced with that choice.

I can tell just how much you love your Mikey, know that love is forever.  Because of that love you have to trust that your heart would NEVER let you do anything that was not in his best interest.  I know that his last night with you he seemed a little better but I know that even for people they can have that final "rally" but it is not a sign of true recovery.  I believe that your Mikey knew it was time for him to leave you for now and he drew upon his great love for you to rally - for you to have a few more moments, memories of him feeling a bit better.  He did that for you.  And he knew that you would always do what is right for him.

Know that everyone here has felt the pain and understands how hard it is to be without our babies.  Losing my Rascal was the hardest thing I ever went through.  This board and the people here were my lifeline.  They told me that it gets better with time.  In all honesty I am not sure I believed them (how could it be better) but I held onto those words.  They were right.  It isn't overnight or sudden, but it will get better.

I don't believe you ever get over it, you will however get to a point of focusing on the years together and the love shared.  Of course your heart is broken, you and your boy shared the deepest of love for 17 years.  

I am so happy that you were blessed to have your boy in your life, to feel that kind of unconditional pure love.  The pain now is hard but the love over the past 17 years is priceless and worth every tear.

Take care
InMemoryOfRascal...and Rambo.
Jeff814

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #7 
I know that I will heal enough in time, that my grief will subside. I look out the window, and see the snow covered frozen mound of dirt in the back yard, where my beautiful Sophie rests. It’s difficult. I want nothing more than my Sophie back. I know I will never have another Sophie, and know nothing will rival my love I have for her. Eventually lifes journey, will take me down a unexpected path, and I will come across a totally different friend. We never really own any of our kids, we are only blessed with being able to share a portion of our lives with them. I remember being told at a young age, that if I chose to say hello to a new pet, at my young age, that I needed to be able to say good bye, since I would outlive their short lifespan. I said yes, because at that young age, you don’t think of tomorrow, and life goes forever. Once on my own in life, I acquired my first friend, and life was full. When I lost him, it felt like my life lost value and purpose. I thought, what’s the point? I managed to stumble forward, and managed the extreme grief. A friend mentioned a grief support group, but was able to get by. Life went on, where I helped others with their “kids”, and gave the a good person to babysit while they were away. Fast forward 20 years, and my wife wanted a black miniature Schnauzer puppy. I went along with the request. I remembered telling her that Sophie would be her total responsibility, that I travel for work and I wouldn’t have time to take care of her needs. Well, Sophie ended up as my girl. With no children of my own, she became my life, and went averywhere with me. We shared snacks, and she cleaned supper spills on my shirt, as we shared the recliner in front of the tv. Then came the lymphoma. Now Sophie is under that fresh mound of snow covered dirt. Here’s that bitter pain again. More friends lost on my own path through life, plus a year of loss of human friends. I know these kids of mine, can never be replaced, nore duplicated, they were each different, and each special. I was blessed to have shared life with them. I gave them the best I could, and they gave me their all. I treasure my life with them, and will always miss each one. I can’t control the sad times of the past, but I can do something about the future. I’ll still pull my truck over to pick up a dumped cat, dog, or move a turtle off the road, or get the injured to care. We take the good we have within us, to help others. If someone would have found my lost or injured Sophie, I would hope some kind person would have helped her, and made a effort for her to return to me. I will have to continue to be that guy that will help others, and not look away. I have to find the path to clear away the tears and grief, so I can clearly see those that need help, when the occasion comes up. I know that for myself, trying to continue being a kind, caring, compassionate man, requires it. Then my “kids” can see , I stayed true to myself. Some day, maybe I will be able to allow another child in my life. For all of us, a long life or a short, each is but a moment in time. We have to do the best, with whatever time we are blessed with.
Amieb

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #8 
Still not able to get my head around my little man not being here, thankyou for youre kind messages. Saw new year in crying my eyes out while everyone where celebrating, but i dont feel i can celebrate something when im in so much pain. Its been 5 days and the pain is so raw and the gulit is killing me. I cant stop seeing his little face when they gave him the injection, he fought it, he didnt want to leave yet. The days are going by so slow and im yet to start feeling joy when i think of him, my stomach is in constant knots of sickness when i think what i did to him. I want this pain to stop but is literally tearing me up inside. 😥
ddgirl

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #9 
Hello Amieb, I'm new here and just read your post. My heart breaks for you. So much of what you express is what I'm currently going through. I've lost and grieved for dear pets in the past, but this one is different. Every single thing I did for the past 8 yrs has revolved around my dog. I'm retired, live alone, and he was my connection to a normal life. I walked the neighborhood with him daily, rain or shine, at least twice a day. I met and talked with neighbors, neighbors' kids, those out walking their own dogs and those just outside tending to their homes. He was the one I hurried home to because I didn't want him to be alone too long, and I did it gladly. There's no family nearby, but there's no doubt I erred big-time in not developing stronger bonds with people, because there's no foundation in place for in-person, face-to-face support. I, too, now struggle with "what did I do?" I know my guy was declining and these past many, many months were so stressful for me. I tried to separate my frustration from the decision, but there simply was no preparing for the intensity of pain I now feel. I read your post and can feel how much you struggled with both Mikey's care and the decision to help him pass. I don't know how this resolves, other than with time, but I can join you in attesting to how utterly fallen a person can feel at this time. They say let grief happen, but I have to try to distract myself, because now that visiting family is gone, all I do is cry and cry and cry. We HAVE to find peace in our decision, Amieb. I watched my guy, like yours, fail, then rally. I watched myself go to the brink of "I can't do this anymore" to "Yes, I can, I'll keep trying" - every new med I tried, which he always hated, I looked for hope. But you couple that with the inability to KNOW, to truly know, if we're doing the right thing, and we push until our brains and hearts just can't manage the thought of making that call. We summon up the courage to do "what's right" - I actually think I just went to autopilot, because I just didn't think I could trust whether I was prolonging his struggle for him or for me. I knew this was going to be bad. I knew it. But even though I knew it, I honestly could not begin to perceive how REALLY badly this would hurt, especially in these early days. While I feel so much of your pain, I'll give the same advice I need to take myself. Be gentle on yourself. Don't wrap 17 yrs of love and devotion in pain. I honestly don't know how well we'll recover, but I do know that time eases the sting. This self-doubt might be natural, but it's not a place I want to get stuck in. I wish us both comfort. We just have to tough this out until we find a new normal. And we need the legacy of our dear, sweet, beloved pets to be one of joy and happiness. We have to try, right?
ddgirl

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #10 
I also want to add how surprised I am at how much this is affecting me physically, Amieb. I don't have any ailments that causes these feelings, and it's more than just emotional disorientation ... I was out shopping yesterday, just to distract myself, and honestly felt weighed down as if I were truly physically ill, as if I could pass out at any moment. I keep telling myself I have to actively work at not just focusing on the final act being the blame, but rather the change and adapting to the change ahead that is also a major part of our pain. I don't know if it's even possible, but I think I will drive myself mad if I don't.

This is so unfair ... all that love we gave for so long, and yet we are left with these feelings of doubt. I would never, ever, ever want my dear pet to suffer, but I have to say, euthanasia is both a blessing and a curse.
Amieb

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #11 
Im so so sorry for everyones poor babies, and thankyou for youre kind words. Im so wrapped up in my own grief that its so selfish of me not reply to everyone. Ddgirl, im exactly the same as you. Ive reclused myself for along time, turning down days out as all i ever wanted to do was sit at home with my little man. Never even sat and watched a whole tv programme as mikey would be on my lap rubbing his face on mine constantly, even going to make a cup of tea he would want to be sat over my shoulder. You dont realise how much time you spend with youre babies until they are suddenly not there. Even the simplest of things set me off. I keep asking myself why he had to leave then i remind myself that i did this too him. He didnt want to go, i should of taken him for one more checkup to see from a medical point of view if he had made an improvement but i didnt, i was only thinking of how ill he had been over xmas day and boxing day, not the improvement he made the night and morning i did what i did,i will never ever forgive myself for that . Like you, i cant stop crying and i cant stop thinking what if. He has been at the vets since last weds and today he will go to the crematoriam. I feel sick, his tiny body will not be physically here on this earth anymore and i feel sick. Dont know how time will heal this as i will never get my closure as i will never know if he was getting better and they made the wrong diagnosis .
Amieb

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #12 
And ddgirl, i feel i am going mad too, i feel like im completely losing the plot. Its consuming my mind morning day and night. I cant even bring myself to go out as i just want to be at home as i dont even want to speak to people, my family has said that i keep saying the same thing over and over and they dont know what i want them to say , i dont know what i want them to say, i need to talk as feel if i bottle it up then i will completely lose my mind. Its awful and dont know how to find peace in all of this. Ive lost nearly a stone since he became ill, i cant eat , i cant sleep. I feel like i need to punish myself for what i have done , i dont want to smile or laugh , going a little crazy .
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